Reply to Help me with techniques for addressing my MIL’s behavior

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]First PP had great advice.

My late MIL was like this, too. Fairly clear she was neurodivergent in some way and was raised by a narcissist. Jury is out as to whether she was a narcissist herself or just had some maladaptive habits/tics (they call them "FLEAS") as a result of being raised by one. It wasn't dementia, and it wasn't old age-- she had always been this way.

Basically your MIL doesn't know and/or doesn't care about how her actions affect others, and/or those actions are compulsions that she can't/doesn't much help. (The wet painting thing is such a ND thing to me, in particular, but so is some of the perseverating... and just... a lot of the behaviors you describe. I have ADHD and a lot of relatives and ILs with ADHD and ASD, so this all terribly familiar.)

That these things are hardwired is good and bad news-- bad and frustrating in that those actions are unchangeable or very resistant to change, but good in the sense that you can stop trying to affect them. You are free! At least the responsibility is not yours, or your husband's, or anyone else's to *change* them. Communication can and should be largely shifted to your husband.

But I'd also recommend "gray rocking" or a lot of "mm hmms" rather than either responding in good faith or trying to shift the conversation much. Leave the room if you have to, and if it works, but don't try to move an immovable object.

It's really really hard sometimes to tune this stuff out, but I think the more you can do this-- maybe while you knit! that was my SIL's solution!-- the better. I'd only step in if it were crossing a parenting boundary in the sense of directly and negatively affecting my kid. [/quote]

Very good advice here OP.

If MIL is neuroatypical she will keep lacking common sense and not having back and forth conversations. Ever. She likely developed some more negative coping mechanisms too over the decades to self protect from her confusion.

Detach from expecting normal behavior or responses from her. Diligently watch your child. Keep things simple and safe for your child if she is around. Good for your state of mind too. Don’t try to get more out of this, you’ll frustrate yourself. [/quote]

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