Help me with techniques for addressing my MIL’s behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like you don’t like your MIL and are picking at what are slightly annoying but fairly harmless behaviors. You also sound dramatic and judgmental.

My ILs are a huge PIA to host, and my FIL tells lots of war stories and I smile and keep my mouth shut and cook them dinners that I wouldn’t normally cook because they like bland food. Because they love my DH, they love our 4 kids, and I can bear it for their sake because I am a mature adult. I do give my DH hell to try to set some boundaries before they come, because they are really challenging people to host, but I’m not hosting them because they are my friends, but because it’s important to my kids and my DH.

You could have given this advice without being so judgmental of OP. I would be irritated as well.

Being critical and judgmental yourself right off the bat undermines the soundness of your counsel.

But that PP is right. Based on facts presented, OP is dramatic and judgmental. What her DH is saying is pretty telling. For a DH to say something that strongly worded points to the fact that the PP is correct.

Too big a generalization from one sample point and not helpful to launch character assassination. She asked for help and perspective - launching torpedos tends to sink ships rather than help them stay afloat and heading in right direction …

[Anonymous]

Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think there are a few important things:

- you are exhausted already, so don't have bandwidth for this
- you shouldn't be asked to handle everything for her.

I'd suggest:
- I love the PP's suggestions of all the things you need to do. Maybe it's just to go to someone else's house. Or retreating into your room for long periods of time. But really, create a schedule that allows you a lot of down time. the annoying stories will be much easier in smaller doses.
- Your sleep is critical, so say 8pm-8am you are in your room. DH and MIL can handle the kids except your DH can bring you the baby.
- Your DH should take MIL out on some special outings. That is not your job. You are staying home with the baby, DH can take the kids.
- Your DH handles the food situation -- he can call her to get a sense of some things she likes. He can buy some premade food or just steam vegetables or brown rice as sides for your meals that are easy to do so she always has an alternative. You can continue to cook if that is normal but the planning and mental load for what to serve to satisfy her are on him.
- Your DH should approach the problem of the glitter / decorations and gifts. He can make it into a moral issue: "We are worried that glitter and many of the adhesives are terrible for the environment. We are really working to commit to all natural material stuffies, wood toys, etc.." or whatever includes what you would find acceptable. She's already moralistic about food so this should play right in.
- I agree that some internal amusements about her stories, etc are probably good therapy for bad situations. But really, you should have a way to excuse yourself as needed while she is there. I threw my FIL out of my house after a visit where I was really sick from childbirth and he expected to be waited on. He was being a jerk, but really I could have handled it better by drawing my boundaries before the point where I lost it and asked DH and BIL who was also visiting for more help.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

Yeah plus she is nursing - Give her a freaking break …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound very judgmental.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

Yeah plus she is nursing - Give her a freaking break …

I no was a nursing mother once too, did not make me be mean to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound very judgmental.

This!

Ha ha it is the posters piling on OP who is exhausted and nursing and was being honest who are the very judgmental ones …

[Anonymous]

You have picked apart every single thing about her.
You do not sound nice at all. No grace or consideration shown at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound very judgmental.

This!

Ha ha it is the posters piling on OP who is exhausted and nursing and was being honest who are the very judgmental ones …

Please
She is a grown ass woman sent over the edge by an olady walking too hard or repeating a story. Nothing in her post even hinted at any self awareness or kindness. If her own husband can see she is calling her out but her response is figuring out how to address it with the old lady.
Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

Yeah plus she is nursing - Give her a freaking break …

I no was a nursing mother once too, did not make me be mean to other people.

She wasn’t being mean - she was anonymously expressing frustration … I would be frustrated in her shoes as well. Loved the post of the person who plies her critical in laws with food and drink and plops them by the fire … while
Cheerily nodding and ignoring the passive aggressive jabs …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound very judgmental.

This!

Ha ha it is the posters piling on OP who is exhausted and nursing and was being honest who are the very judgmental ones …

Her husband is telling her the exact same thing. That is a giant red alarm bell in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Who cares if she says the kids look like her family?
Seriously!!
My kids favor their father and gets lots of comments about it. That does not negate my feelings or my contribution , who cares?
It’s a rabbit hole for a kid to ask if grandma is sad because her mom is dead?
Really?
You don’t talk about life and death and feelings with your kids??
What are people supposed to do around you, be still and pretend to be invisible???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

Yeah plus she is nursing - Give her a freaking break …

I no was a nursing mother once too, did not make me be mean to other people.

She wasn’t being mean - she was anonymously expressing frustration … I would be frustrated in her shoes as well. Loved the post of the person who plies her critical in laws with food and drink and plops them by the fire … while
Cheerily nodding and ignoring the passive aggressive jabs …

Can you read?
HER DH CALLED HER OUT IN HER OBVIOUS IRRITATION!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

Yeah plus she is nursing - Give her a freaking break …

I no was a nursing mother once too, did not make me be mean to other people.

She wasn’t being mean - she was anonymously expressing frustration … I would be frustrated in her shoes as well. Loved the post of the person who plies her critical in laws with food and drink and plops them by the fire … while
Cheerily nodding and ignoring the passive aggressive jabs …

DP. But it's not just anonymous frustration, because her husband has said some very strongly worded opinions on her behavior. If OP had not talked about what her husband said, I would agree with you. But it is clear from the fact her husband has talked about it that OP is in fact being mean.

How many men do you know that would say something like what OP reported to their nursing wife? It would only happen if the wife's behavior was egregious. For her DH to get to the point of saying something, her behavior must be pretty awful.