Help me with techniques for addressing my MIL’s behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First PP had great advice.

My late MIL was like this, too. Fairly clear she was neurodivergent in some way and was raised by a narcissist. Jury is out as to whether she was a narcissist herself or just had some maladaptive habits/tics (they call them "FLEAS") as a result of being raised by one. It wasn't dementia, and it wasn't old age-- she had always been this way.

Basically your MIL doesn't know and/or doesn't care about how her actions affect others, and/or those actions are compulsions that she can't/doesn't much help. (The wet painting thing is such a ND thing to me, in particular, but so is some of the perseverating... and just... a lot of the behaviors you describe. I have ADHD and a lot of relatives and ILs with ADHD and ASD, so this all terribly familiar.)

That these things are hardwired is good and bad news-- bad and frustrating in that those actions are unchangeable or very resistant to change, but good in the sense that you can stop trying to affect them. You are free! At least the responsibility is not yours, or your husband's, or anyone else's to *change* them. Communication can and should be largely shifted to your husband.

But I'd also recommend "gray rocking" or a lot of "mm hmms" rather than either responding in good faith or trying to shift the conversation much. Leave the room if you have to, and if it works, but don't try to move an immovable object.

It's really really hard sometimes to tune this stuff out, but I think the more you can do this-- maybe while you knit! that was my SIL's solution!-- the better. I'd only step in if it were crossing a parenting boundary in the sense of directly and negatively affecting my kid.

+1 to the above. You need to reset your expectations that you will ever have a normal, reciprocal conversation or relationship with her. Do not overshare or engage with her in any meaningful way. Practice polite detachment while simultaneously finding ways to take a break and have your DH take charge. You have the perfect excuse of nursing to take prolonged breaks from interacting with her, tacking on additional time for cuddles/nap with the baby or taking older child for an an outing. I’m wondering if you’re also on maternity leave and are stuck with her all day? That would drive me bonkers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother in law might be a candidate for a gift like storyworth. She obviously wants to talk about her family history more, stories from your husband’s childhood and about her dead relatives - maybe you should find a productive way for her to get those stories written down, or encourage your husband to video tape her when she starts telling the stories and archive them somewhere.

I'm the PP who mentioned neurodivergence, and while I think this is a lovely idea, I'd personally bet it would go nowhere with this MIL.

Probably not, because it wouldn’t give her a real-time audience and the attention she so obviously craves.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound like you don’t like your MIL and are picking at what are slightly annoying but fairly harmless behaviors. You also sound dramatic and judgmental.

My ILs are a huge PIA to host, and my FIL tells lots of war stories and I smile and keep my mouth shut and cook them dinners that I wouldn’t normally cook because they like bland food. Because they love my DH, they love our 4 kids, and I can bear it for their sake because I am a mature adult. I do give my DH hell to try to set some boundaries before they come, because they are really challenging people to host, but I’m not hosting them because they are my friends, but because it’s important to my kids and my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What you describe is VERY similar to my MIL. None of it is egregious, or mean-spirited, or manipulative, just extremely annoying.

My advice for you, based on years of experience, is to not try to control her in any way, but rather adjust your own mindset. This is an old woman with annoying quirks. Endure it, zone out when you need to. And take frequent "naps" to get some time away.

+1 I can sooo relate to so much of this. Especially the repeated stories, dead relatives, pointing out similarities… so crazy that so many do this!!

[Anonymous]

OP, can you put in earbuds and listen to podcasts? Tell her it's a meditation soundtrack, I don't know.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound very judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Nothing about what you wrote would annoy me apart from the mess on the wall. I think that your busy parent life is exhausting you and making you less tolerant, not that your MIL is especially annoying.

My MIL tells the same stories over and over, and I just smile and nod and exclaim. She perseverates on certain topics that she's clearly anxious about, and I reassure her again and again. She has different idea on raising kids, different ideas on gender roles, different ideas on so many things than I do, and that's fine. She has tics of speech too.

But she's still lovable and deserves respect. She's old. Old people do lots of weird things. Your MIL is not rude. She's old.

Now if you want stories of people being heinously rude, abusive and lacking in the elemental boundaries, I can tell you about my OWN MOTHER!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t think any of this is that bad. Just tune her out.

+1. Other than the hanging the wet painting thing, all of this is just mildly annoying. I don’t understand why OP can’t just smile and nod.

Team DH here.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks, lots of good suggestions. I’m exhausted and I hate hosting company when I’m sleep deprived. I have no reserves left and then MIL comes and exhausts me further. I should add that on top of this My MIL also has a ton of food issues. She can’t cook to save her life and eats only organic, gluten free and dairy free and vegetarian which makes cooking meals when she’s here impossible. She also obsessively monitors what everyone else eats and is constantly asking me what the kids are eating. And then at mealtime she stares at and obsessively monitors what I and DH and the kids eat. And she refuses all alcohol and dessert and makes a big production about how “rich” the foods we eat are and they don’t agree with her and make her feel ill to eat. So Larla will say Grandma why don’t you eat meat? And we all have to eat a lecture about how bad meat is. And then Larla will say, have ice cream Grandma! And she will go on about how dairy is too rich and makes her feel ill. Maybe if I could have a glass of wine or some dessert or even dinner without her staring at me or peppering me endlessly (what’s Larla eating right now? At snack time for instance) and monitoring me because she clearly has some undiagnosed eating disorder I wouldn’t mind her presence so much. Or if she’d cook for herself and not expect us to cater to her insane diet. So I guess that just fuels my fire.

[Anonymous]

Wow that’s a lot to deal with… could she be on the autism spectrum or just completely clueless?

[Anonymous]

My techniques would be to be VERY busy with child care anytime she launches into a story I've heard before. Or man it looks like I gotta take the trash out RIGHT NOW. Leave your DH listening to it ALONE. The reason he is blaming you is because he has already learned to ignore it completely. Which means you are sitting there acting polite, when everyone else in the room is IGNORING HER already.

So put it back on him. When she starts, you leave to check on a kid or buzz around doing dishes or whatever. Leave him there to be the only one to absorb the endless diatribes.

My MIL does this too. I have heard the same damn stories about my DH for YEARS. She wants to talk about dead relatives, and I just excuse myself BEFORE my DH does the same thing. That way, he's holding the bag. It was years of me sitting there wondering why everyone else had found something else to do while I had to listen to the ranting. Now I beat them to it! And let me tell you, it doesn't stop it! But I feel better. Now she yells at my DH for not paying enough attention to her. Oh well! It's your mom, you deal with it.

She also likes to launch into Advice Mode. Which is generally criticizing financial choices we've made. Which is pretty interesting from a woman who has had almost NO financial security in her life.

I also drink a lot of wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like you don’t like your MIL and are picking at what are slightly annoying but fairly harmless behaviors. You also sound dramatic and judgmental.

My ILs are a huge PIA to host, and my FIL tells lots of war stories and I smile and keep my mouth shut and cook them dinners that I wouldn’t normally cook because they like bland food. Because they love my DH, they love our 4 kids, and I can bear it for their sake because I am a mature adult. I do give my DH hell to try to set some boundaries before they come, because they are really challenging people to host, but I’m not hosting them because they are my friends, but because it’s important to my kids and my DH.

You could have given this advice without being so judgmental of OP. I would be irritated as well.

Being critical and judgmental yourself right off the bat undermines the soundness of your counsel.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my MIL. She is fixated on my kids looking just like my husband (they don’t), and cannot make it 3 minutes into a conversation without delving into her personal genealogy and family tree, it’s baffling because NO ONE cares about someone else’s family tree but she just can’t stop talking about how my daughter must like fish “because of her Swedish genes, did I tell you I found out I had a Swedish great half aunt”?

She also used to pick up my babies and not hand them back to me when asked, when I was laid up after my C sections. Like I’d be in the hospital bed and say “please hand me Larlo back” she’d say “I’m not ready to”. And I couldn’t get up. I will say that only happened with the first because I wouldn’t let her visit in the hospital with the others after that, which was a whole other drama that I’m sure she tells everyone about without mentioning how she’d take my babies and not give them back to me (I literally had to call the nurse and say, please take my child from that woman and give him back to me, because I can’t get up and she is refusing to”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of these behaviors are irritating, and that's about the extent of it. I actually don't think there's anything to address other than not hanging wet paintings up.

She sounds like an old lady that doesn't have a lot of people around to listen to her stories.

I'd suggest planning her future visits where your husband is around a good bit of the time and he can take her out with the kids while you "catch up on chores," which can mean actually doing some task or reading a book.

Meditate, pray, go exercise every morning. In all honesty, I think you just need a little patience and spousal support.

+1

This is an opportunity to show some grace. She's not malicious, she's not unkind, she just does stuff you find annoying. Other than the wet painting thing, so what? Find some activities out of the house for everyone, and work on reframing your reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother in law might be a candidate for a gift like storyworth. She obviously wants to talk about her family history more, stories from your husband’s childhood and about her dead relatives - maybe you should find a productive way for her to get those stories written down, or encourage your husband to video tape her when she starts telling the stories and archive them somewhere.

+1

You think these stories are boring, but your kids might really love to hear them someday, but she won't be around to tell them. (My kids think stories about parents and grandparents as children are fascinating.) She might find it flattering, too, and it would channel the behavior.