Help me with techniques for addressing my MIL’s behavior

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters who just say you need more patience. Can you focus on the positives of her? this description could be my MIL entirely - every trait of my children (physical, emotional, mental, whatever) has apparently come from my husband and sometimes I wonder if she even remembers that I was needed to actually birth the children! she loves them though, and she loves seeing her genes passed on, I guess, so it's something I can do for her. I've heard EVERY story about my husband a zillion times, telling her I've heard it doesn't work, so I just engage politely. it's really the least I can do given how much she loves my family. you'll be old one day too, OP

[Anonymous]

I just zone out and make my to do list in my head when the same old stories come out.

I've done a Bingo / drinking game with one relatives behaviors. You can also excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and stay there for a while to take a break. If you can direct her to a sacrificial area you have designated as a fun craft / play area to mess all she wants to, it might be helpful.

You can't change her OP, you can just change what you are doing.

It could be worse: my parents just sat there like lumps and watched tv. I couldn't even get any old time Christmas stories out of them. If they did say anything about me as a child it was usually criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Add activities! Have DH take his mom out for a drive, out for lunch, even a sightseeing tour.

Have things that YOU have to do-take your nursing baby out and about with you (then just drive away for a few hours, go to a new playground and sit) and have MIL babysit the others.

Could you embark on an at home project while MIL is visiting and be over the up grateful that she can watch your kids while you do X in another room? I’m thinking; pulling out your winter clothes or filling a bag with donations that you’ll immediately drive to a thrift store? Or, even laundry - get in all done.

Limit your one on one time with MIL. Do something engaging as a family. A walk around the neighborhood? Have MIL play a board game or bake cookies with older kids?

OP! I’m this PP and just read that your MIL has zero interest in outside activities. Same w/ my mom! Maddening!

Again I’ll urge you to vacate - embark on a “really important” project! Then, leave with your nursing baby. DH needs to step up and help and provide lots of one on one son time. My mom looooooves to brag about how attentive my older brother is when she stays with his family. Granted his children are young adults and the youngest is in HS. There’s time for my brother to hang out with mom solo.

I’ll note that my wise SIL always is very, very busy “training” and “staying fit” and it seems like my Mom’s visits coincide with an upcoming bike ride or charity fun run. SIL announces she’s leaving/getting up early/out all day/needs to go to sleep early because of “training.” SIL goes out all day for “bike rides” and then “out to dinner” with friends. My mom returns and tells me all about how SIL schedule. Well played, SIL, well played. She’s not done a 5k for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would sit down and tell DH:

1) I will work on not showing my irritation. You are right: she is a guest in my home, and I should do my best to be pleasant and to leave the room if I am starting to lose my patience.

2) What will help me with this is if YOU take the lead in entertaining her and cleaning up after her. She makes a mess in this house, and you either need to nip it in the bud by asking her to clean up after herself, or you need to do the cleaning. I will not be cleaning up her messes. I also need you to lead the conversation as much as possible so that I can just smile and mentally check out when I need to. I also am going to do chores around the house and run errands to try to get breaks, so you’re taking the lead and I’m leaving you to it.

So basically, give what you can.

A lot of this is so understandable about old people: of course she wants to talk about her memories, her relatives, family resemblances—this is common. This is her “imprinting” on you younger folks so that she won’t be forgotten after she dies. You being irritated with her about this is about as reasonable as you being irritated with a little kid for telling rambling stories or a teenager for sulking and withdrawing.

You nurse when you nurse. If she tells you baby needs to nurse and it’s not time, just “Mmm hmm uh huh” her. Don’t engage.

Her trying to get a reaction from your kids over gifts has nothing to do with you—the natural consequence of that irritating behavior is that they won’t like spending time with grandma as they get older. OK.

Like, a lot of this is purely ignore-able.

Yes, sit down with DH and make a mature deal with him. This is a productive way forward. You really haven’t figured out how to just leave the room more? You have time now to suddenly start daily walks/runs. Do it now and your husband won’t be like “Wait, what, you don’t exercise” when she’s here.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you should ask your DH to take the lead more. And find time when you can have chores that get you out of the house away from her (running to the store, breastfeeding). Tell her that your doctor said that you need to exercise and then go do it. Also, you have plenty of data that she is not going to change. Just expect this week you will have, essentially, an additional child to take care of.

I went through something similar with my parents and ILs and honestly it gets a little better when the kids are older and you don't have the pressure of taking care of them while you also try to manage your guests. Once the kids were independent, I also just started announcing I was going to take a nap and then retreat to my bedroom for a couple of hours. MIL thinks I am lazy. I don't care; the peace is bliss and gets me through the visits.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is asking you to show your irritation less. I think the best way to do this is some distance. You need to leave the room and take deep breaths when you are feeling yourself get irritated by your mother in law’s quirks. Maybe that’s a good time to grab the baby and go nurse in a separate room - or at least make her think you are - put baby on a mat for tummy time and sit down with a magazine for 15 minutes.

Ditto the posters who recommended outings. The worst thing you can do is spend more time around your mother in law in the house where she can make a mess.

[Anonymous]

I can see why this is all irritating but overall - she sounds sweet and like she means well. My mil, like others, is an active nut pot - she has melt downs, tantrums, has accused my parents of hitting my kids, says all kinds of outlandish things all the time - and I would take this benign annoyance in a heartbeat. You’ve made up your mind to be irritated by her and not like her. Cut her some slack. I just laugh at mine, have wine, and raise my eyebrows and I’m telling you - nutty city.

[Anonymous]

Your mother in law might be a candidate for a gift like storyworth. She obviously wants to talk about her family history more, stories from your husband’s childhood and about her dead relatives - maybe you should find a productive way for her to get those stories written down, or encourage your husband to video tape her when she starts telling the stories and archive them somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL will be staying with us for a week for the holidays and I am totally dreading it. As I’ve gotten older and now that we have two kids and life is much more complicated, my tolerance for her is just at an all time low. There are some specific behaviors she has that drive me bonkers, and I need new techniques/responses for dealing with her. Specifically, here’s what I need ideas for:

-she tells me the same stories over and over about my partner as a child. We have been together 14 years and it’s not dementia - she just likes to tell the same stories to people over and over again that she thinks are endearing (they aren’t—just to her) and she expects me to be enthralled and act like I have never heard them before. When I try to interject politely, “oh yes, you’ve told us about how Larla dumped trucks in the toilet when he was 2,” or gently tease her, “I think I’ve heard this one quite a few times before, didn’t X happen next,” she doesn’t take the hint and keeps telling the same story.
Make a list of same old stories and put on a card. Use the BINGO card for yourself. If it fills up, give yourself a special treat.
-she is constantly talking about the past and all her deceased relatives and how the holidays were so much better when they were around. She resists any attempts I make to divert the topic, and my attempts to get her to stop sitting around lamenting the past and create new holiday memories (let’s go look at lights, let’s go to the zoo, etc) and rebuffed.
Stop waiting for her to join in. Just invite her. If she says no, then say “Oh well. I’m taking the kids out for a walk. See you in an hour.”

-I am nursing. Whenever my babies or toddlers get fussy, she tells me they need to nurse or will announce in a passive aggressive way, “I think Larla needs to
Nurse.” She nursed her kids on demand whenever they wanted or fussed about anything and I don’t do that and it frustrates me when she tries to dictate my nursing schedule.
“Perfect. That means it’s time for Mommy-Larla time. Madge, thanks for watching the kids while I take the baby.” Then leave the room and enjoy some quiet time away from here.

-she is very loud and can’t moderate her noises - she slams doors, toilet seats, etc. and walks around with heavy feet when the babies are napping and never seems to remember to be quiet, but when they wake up it’s my problem.
Not sure what to do about this. Remind yourself that she’s only there for a week.


-whenever DH or I express any frustration about anything (oh, Larla isn’t sleeping well or work is stressful or whatever) she always interrupts and says, “Oh I know.” I find it very rude and invalidating but I don’t know how to respond.
STOP SHARING! This is on you. For a week you can regulate yourself and keep your complaints/frustrations to yourself. Call a friend. Write in your journal. But stop trying to make conversation with her about this.

-she brings excessive amounts of gifts that often have tiny pieces, paint, glitter, or are duplicates of what we have. Then she insists on bringing them out and making a huge production of the kids opening them. If the kids don’t respond positively, she keeps trying to get them to play with her toys for the rest of her visit and keeps saying things like, did you see what I got Larla? It’s really so great. Etc.
It’s a week. You can manage this behavior. Stop judging her. She’s a grandparent and wants to feel like she’s doing something special for her grandchildren.”

-she doesn’t treat our home with care. At her last visit she insisted Larla make a collage with feathers and glitter paint she brought, and then immediately hung it up on the wall without letting it dry so the glitter paint ran down my walls and I had to clean it up. Her home is pretty sloppy but that is not how we keep our home and I was dumbfounded that an adult who had children would hang up a wet painting without letting it dry first.
Your husband needs to address this.

-she constantly tells me how my kids look like her dead relatives (eg oh Larla has great aunt Louise’s nose) and never says anything about how they resemble me or my side of the family. My DH has admitted he thinks this is a tic of hers because she is sad our kids strongly resemble me and my family, but I feel so weird when she’s constantly talking about my kids and their features, especially since these are dead people and my older kid gets sad hearing about people who are dead and then goes down rabbit holes about it, like Grandma are you sad your mom is dead? How did she die? Etc.
Let it go.

Thank you for any ideas for how to it would address this, my husband thinks I’m a horrible daughter in law because he says I don’t hide my irritation from
Her on these things very well.

[Anonymous]

First PP had great advice.

My late MIL was like this, too. Fairly clear she was neurodivergent in some way and was raised by a narcissist. Jury is out as to whether she was a narcissist herself or just had some maladaptive habits/tics (they call them "FLEAS") as a result of being raised by one. It wasn't dementia, and it wasn't old age-- she had always been this way.

Basically your MIL doesn't know and/or doesn't care about how her actions affect others, and/or those actions are compulsions that she can't/doesn't much help. (The wet painting thing is such a ND thing to me, in particular, but so is some of the perseverating... and just... a lot of the behaviors you describe. I have ADHD and a lot of relatives and ILs with ADHD and ASD, so this all terribly familiar.)

That these things are hardwired is good and bad news-- bad and frustrating in that those actions are unchangeable or very resistant to change, but good in the sense that you can stop trying to affect them. You are free! At least the responsibility is not yours, or your husband's, or anyone else's to *change* them. Communication can and should be largely shifted to your husband.

But I'd also recommend "gray rocking" or a lot of "mm hmms" rather than either responding in good faith or trying to shift the conversation much. Leave the room if you have to, and if it works, but don't try to move an immovable object.

It's really really hard sometimes to tune this stuff out, but I think the more you can do this-- maybe while you knit! that was my SIL's solution!-- the better. I'd only step in if it were crossing a parenting boundary in the sense of directly and negatively affecting my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother in law might be a candidate for a gift like storyworth. She obviously wants to talk about her family history more, stories from your husband’s childhood and about her dead relatives - maybe you should find a productive way for her to get those stories written down, or encourage your husband to video tape her when she starts telling the stories and archive them somewhere.

I'm the PP who mentioned neurodivergence, and while I think this is a lovely idea, I'd personally bet it would go nowhere with this MIL.

[Anonymous]

OP, you limit the time you are available since things drive your crazy. You need a schedule (even if it's just for her visits) where you are out of the house for a predictable, set amount of time. Each day. The same each day, ideally. 9 to 11am, whatever. Drive off and go sit in your car somewhere if you have to. Where/what you do is unimportant. But this is *you* time. Or you and your kids. Not with her. No explanation needed.

Assume she will never take a hint about anything she says. Sorry about her noise, and dictating your nursing schedule. Don't know what to say about that. Sorry about the dead relatives, Let that go. Don't know what to say about thatYou and your DH should not be expressing your frustrations to her. She's not an appropriate person to share with. You know it will not go well --- so don't. Your husband may slip but you have control over yourself.

Also -- your husband is not your confidant on all this. When you have established *some* time when you're gone every day, don't involve him. Don't discuss, jsut do. Don't discuss the details. Don't discuss his Mother anymore than you absolutely have to. No two married people are going to be on the exact same page re: ILs and Parents.

The overall problem is: too much togetherness. You need to lessen the togetherness.

[Anonymous]

Get away when you can and involved more people when you can. My MIL is annoying in many similar ways. I get coffee or go for a run with a friend every day she’s here. I do big cooking/baking projects. I send her, DH, and kid out to do stuff. I invite friends over for dinner or dessert. Just have to mix up the social dynamics. I also go to bed by 9 and let DH and mom hang out. Use kids nap time as an “everybody rests” time.

[Anonymous]

Coincidentally, when my ILs visit, work is SO busy for me! I have to work late and early, there are work events in the evening, my gym class schedule picks up, I suddenly have to run errands for particular lightbulbs that are sold at the farther away specialty lighting store, etc. It’s so amazing that all of this just happens to coincide with their visits. After years of mounting irritation and frustration with their behavior, I took the “not my circus not my monkeys” approach and let H deal with them. Shockingly, without me there to bear the brunt of their behavior and to shield him from it, he now finds their visits intolerable and the frequency and duration of the visits has decreased drastically since subjected to the full regimen of their outlandish behavior and demands as guests, he doesn’t want a 16 day visit anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP you've got it easy.

My MIL told the same story over and over about how she locked my DH in a room when he was a baby because his toddler sister jumped on his head if she didn't. And when she finally opened the door at the end of the day he'd eaten his own diaper.

This horrified me as it is a tale of neglect she would dish up at meal time as a funny tale.

I would look at her and wait for her to finish telling it for the 1000th time and then change the subject.