When you pay for your daughter's $$ wedding, what about your sons?
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Anonymous
This is extraordinarily elitist and rude. There’s so much more to life. |
Anonymous
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Just give equal amounts to both OP. If you already gave DS $100K, either give DD a $50K DP and a $50K wedding, or, if you think you need a $100K wedding and need to give DD a $100K DP, gift DS another $100K.
But definitely be fair. You will create resentment between your kids if you play favorites (which is what you are doing). |
Anonymous
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My FIL & MIL are paying for SIL wedding, a huge destination event, I'm pretty sure FIL even took out a 10k loan if rumors are to be believed.
My husband and I got married in his mothers backyard with 10 people, all family, no bridesmaids/groomsmen or rehearsal dinners or anything like that, we paid for it. My mother is fairly poor and my dad died years ago so no monetary help from my family at all. My MIL did have her house professionally cleaned and paid for the food (Under $200). Same year for both weddings, all of us are about the same age, no resentment on me or husbands part about things not being "fair." I got exactly the wedding I wanted (planned in 2 weeks! we just wanted to be married) and SIL will get exactly the wedding she wants. For us, what was important was for his grandparents to be there without inconveniencing them as they're in their 80's...we are very close with them and they live in town where we got married. We only wanted very close family there, the theatrics around everything seemed stressful and unnecessary to us, so kept it super simple and it was beautiful/perfect! A 2 week timeframe also dictated that we didn't have much choice in keeping it simple lol! No help for us for down payment, I don't know about SIL but I don't think they've had any help either. It doesn't matter to me either way though, we're all happy and healthy and get along great so no need to "keep score." |
Anonymous
That is a very transactional view of a celebration. |
Anonymous
It is, but how much do you remember from your wedding? Mine was a complete blur that I’d never remember if it wasn’t for the pictures. Big weddings (at least the good ones) are all about the guests. |
Anonymous
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Each kid gets a cash gift. If they want to spend it on a wedding, it’s up to them.
My husband and I are not traditional, lived together and co-owned property for many years before getting married, and no one paid for our wedding, nor did we expect it. |
Anonymous
| I would take this on a case by case basis, trying to be fair, but not necessarily equal. Like if we spent 50k on our daughters wedding while our son also had a 50k wedding paid for by the brides parents, I would not be giving my son 50k. In this case they both got the same wedding, which seems fair. If I give 50k to my son in this situation, he gets a 50k wedding plus 50k. On the other hand, if the brides parents did not pay, then I would offer to pay for my sons wedding. Now, say son opts to not have a wedding, I am not giving him 50k, but some lesser amount would be fair. The 50k wedding at least I get something for my money and part of the overall expense would be for me, inviting my family, friends etc |
Anonymous
What if your daughter's in-laws also give them $50k and now the wedding costs $100k? But your son's in-laws are poor and can't spare any money. Will you give your son $100k to match your daughter's wedding? I think one of the big discrepancies between posters is that some view weddings as a budget. You pay $X towards the wedding, and the son or daughter can choose how to spend it. The event is for the child and their soon to be spouse and they make the calls. Some posters view the wedding as something they have a stake and interest in. They will invite people. They will enjoy it. They will help plan it. And more often than not, the mom gets a say in the daughter's wedding but not the daughter-in-law's wedding. So they justify the unequal treatment by putting value on their own participation and enjoyment and say "well it's not just for Larla." |
Anonymous
That is a bit of a hard line. So if the groom's family doesn't have means you are okay with not including people from your future son in law's side of the family in the celebration of the marriage of your DD? We paid for DDs wedding as the groom's family does not have a lot of money. Many friends and family of the groom attended and it was a joyful and fun event. I can't imagine telling my son in law he couldn't invite people from his side. And based on our experience, the additional per guest charge isn't that big a factor in the overall costs. The expensive parts were things like the venue, photographer, flowers, dress, etc. Yes the catering was a big piece, but the additional cost per plate was a fraction of the total. Of course if you have limited resources that's a different story but I would just encourage them to downscale the wedding significantly. That was not something we had to worry about. |
Anonymous
That’s why I said case by case, fair but not necessarily equal, lol. But in your example, no I would probably not be spending 100k on my sons wedding. They still both got a wedding, it is fair enough. I have a sister and our parents paid towards both our weddings (my husbands parents chipped in too), but I have no idea if they spent the same amount. We both got a wedding, and I am not worried about everything being equal dollar for dollar. I guess I expect the same attitude from my own kids. |
Anonymous
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My parents gave each kid 10k as a wedding gift that we could use as we wanted… to help cover wedding expenses, to use towards a down payment, to use on a honeymoon.
100k seems kind of extravagant of a gift (but that’s besides the point) but whatever the amount is just give each kid regardless of gender the same amount and let them choose whether they want to blow it all on an extravagant party or use it for a down payment. |
Anonymous
We’re expensing the wedding as a family reunion. We’ll help the sons along future DIL’s wishes. All will get closing cost on a first house that they can get a mortgage for. |
Anonymous
I have a lovely daughter. Either of them interested? 😉 Seriously though it is something I remember discussing with my niece (my daughter is too young). If her boyfriend’s parents don’t wish to contribute to the wedding, it does say something about how traditional they are. And the question of whether she would fit in the family came up. I thought it was actually pretty insightful on her part. |
Anonymous
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We will contribute to all our children's weddings and housing, I hope. Seems like the right thing to do. Gender is immaterial. |
Anonymous
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I plan to follow tradition. Pay only part of sons' weddings (rehearsal dinner and maybe booze) and the majority of DD's. The only thing that would make me change my mind is if DSs fall in love with girls from very modest backgrounds and, without our help, there wouldn't be much wedding to speak of. But otherwise I don't agree it's unfair--each couple gets a wedding.
And I definitely would not short DD downpayment help! These are different things. |