When you pay for your daughter's $$ wedding, what about your sons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The last handful of weddings where I know "who paid", half the couples paid the vast majority (about 90%), and the other half, the bride's family paid the majority (about 75%).

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have always told our kids that we will not pay for their weddings. If they cannot pay for own wedding they are not ready to get married. We have, however, paid for all their education- colleges and post college professional school education. We also plan to give them cash gift of 300k each when they settle down. Maybe use it as first home down payment.

Np. To be truthful is the party tthat is so expensive. You can get married at the court! I can't imagine spending $100,000 on a party.

PP you are responding to. And that (married at the court) is fine with us. It's not the wedding that's important, it's what happens after the wedding that matters more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rich people problem alert! (none of this money will effect our retirement money or plans)

Do you try to make that "fair" with your sons? DH wants to just offer each of the kids the same amount, say $100,000, and let them use for wedding and house downpayment. But in truth, I cannot see denying DD the fancy wedding (which we will all truly enjoy) and also helping her get into her first house. For the oldest son, we paid closing costs and whatever else after DS first secured a mortgage loan on his own, which came to just under $100,000.

Agree with DH. If you already helped oldest DS to the tune of almost 100K, then make your DD the same offer--she chooses whether to allocate all or just some of it to her wedding. Same for your younger DS. This would be fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have always told our kids that we will not pay for their weddings. If they cannot pay for own wedding they are not ready to get married. We have, however, paid for all their education- colleges and post college professional school education. We also plan to give them cash gift of 300k each when they settle down. Maybe use it as first home down payment.

Np. To be truthful is the party tthat is so expensive. You can get married at the court! I can't imagine spending $100,000 on a party.

This part gets me a bit. Sure, it’s DD’s wedding, but you’re actually hosting a huge and very fun family & friends reunion (at hosts’ choice — no one needs a $100,000 wedding). Not sure all of that should be tallied in DD’s column, so to speak. That’s the part where I feel DD should also get help with down payment (again, where there’s plenty of $ to go around).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are giving them cash. How they spend it is up to them. The is the bride's day, along with her mother's, so I'm trying to stay in the background and let them do the planning. We aren't wealthy. Their wedding will be small. Also, I'm a minister and I'm officiating. They are getting married in our backyard by the pool. The reception is catered, but at our home. We have a large outdoor kitchen with a really nice bar. I think it will be fun!

This sounds absolutely lovely. Smart couple💕

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are giving them cash. How they spend it is up to them. The is the bride's day, along with her mother's, so I'm trying to stay in the background and let them do the planning. We aren't wealthy. Their wedding will be small. Also, I'm a minister and I'm officiating. They are getting married in our backyard by the pool. The reception is catered, but at our home. We have a large outdoor kitchen with a really nice bar. I think it will be fun!

This sounds absolutely lovely. Smart couple💕

Thanks! I'm really getting excited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your DH but in reality I expect it would matter what the kids and kids fiances and kids fiances parents were liked and wanted to do.

Personally I think the whole “parents of the bride pay for the wedding” is pretty antiquated (is it instead of or in addition to a dowry?) so I wouldn’t start with that as a baseline. I’d start with giving kids money to spend as seemed best to them.

It may be antiquated in your eyes but it's still the reality for most. We've paid for three daughter weddings; none of our sons-in-laws parents offered to pay much of anything.

It’s entirely up to you if you wanted to pay for that. If you weren’t willing to have a discussion with your kid or the other parents about expectations you can hardly complain “that’s the reality”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have always told our kids that we will not pay for their weddings. If they cannot pay for own wedding they are not ready to get married. We have, however, paid for all their education- colleges and post college professional school education. We also plan to give them cash gift of 300k each when they settle down. Maybe use it as first home down payment.

Your money, your family, your choices, but I can’t imagine being willing to give my kid $300k cash “when they settle down” but being unwilling to give then anything for a wedding.

[Anonymous]

My DH's parents paid half, because they had a much larger family and their family culture is larger and more high-end. My parents paid about one-third and DH and I the remaining one-sixth. But both sets of parents just announced an amount without knowing what the other was paying and what the total cost was.

I would have preferred a smaller wedding but went along with the larger guest list because it's what they thought was important. The man's parents should not be able to take more than half of the guest list without covering the cost IMO, and my in-laws agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have always told our kids that we will not pay for their weddings. If they cannot pay for own wedding they are not ready to get married. We have, however, paid for all their education- colleges and post college professional school education. We also plan to give them cash gift of 300k each when they settle down. Maybe use it as first home down payment.

Your money, your family, your choices, but I can’t imagine being willing to give my kid $300k cash “when they settle down” but being unwilling to give then anything for a wedding.

I guess we are all different. Not paying for wedding is not about money but that's another thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your DH but in reality I expect it would matter what the kids and kids fiances and kids fiances parents were liked and wanted to do.

Personally I think the whole “parents of the bride pay for the wedding” is pretty antiquated (is it instead of or in addition to a dowry?) so I wouldn’t start with that as a baseline. I’d start with giving kids money to spend as seemed best to them.

It may be antiquated in your eyes but it's still the reality for most. We've paid for three daughter weddings; none of our sons-in-laws parents offered to pay much of anything.

It’s entirely up to you if you wanted to pay for that. If you weren’t willing to have a discussion with your kid or the other parents about expectations you can hardly complain “that’s the reality”

I wasn't complaining. I was stating the reality. I was fine with it.

[Anonymous]

My personal view of weddings has changed drastically since I was married (courthouse, small dinner after, all the money we could afford, never wished for more). Now, since covid, DD has a serious BF, we’ve traveled nowhere, haven’t seen long distance family friends, money’s done crazy well in the stock market during covid, my parents can’t get around as well, etc, etc. DD’s always dreamed of a destination wedding (ugh, I know). But a friend found a breath-takingly beautiful wedding venue near the Amalia Coast. We could rent the entire site, all lodging & food for 3 days, 2 nights. And pay travel expenses for family member who needed it. If this is something DD wants, I’ve come around to thinking, “what a great idea,”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My personal view of weddings has changed drastically since I was married (courthouse, small dinner after, all the money we could afford, never wished for more). Now, since covid, DD has a serious BF, we’ve traveled nowhere, haven’t seen long distance family friends, money’s done crazy well in the stock market during covid, my parents can’t get around as well, etc, etc. DD’s always dreamed of a destination wedding (ugh, I know). But a friend found a breath-takingly beautiful wedding venue near the Amalia Coast. We could rent the entire site, all lodging & food for 3 days, 2 nights. And pay travel expenses for family member who needed it. If this is something DD wants, I’ve come around to thinking, “what a great idea,”

But you didn't answer the question. Who pays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your DH but in reality I expect it would matter what the kids and kids fiances and kids fiances parents were liked and wanted to do.

Personally I think the whole “parents of the bride pay for the wedding” is pretty antiquated (is it instead of or in addition to a dowry?) so I wouldn’t start with that as a baseline. I’d start with giving kids money to spend as seemed best to them.

It may be antiquated in your eyes but it's still the reality for most. We've paid for three daughter weddings; none of our sons-in-laws parents offered to pay much of anything.

It’s entirely up to you if you wanted to pay for that. If you weren’t willing to have a discussion with your kid or the other parents about expectations you can hardly complain “that’s the reality”

I wasn't complaining. I was stating the reality. I was fine with it.

That’s fine but it was your reality not some objective immutable reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You paid for your daughters wedding in full, with no help from her in laws? And planning not to help at all with son’s? Everyone I know is going 50-50 on weddings these days, it’s so archaic and sexist otherwise. That would also solve your other problem — yes, it is unfair for your sons to get downpayment help and not your daughter.

Your social circle must be small. This is not the norm, even today.

What’s the norm?