When you pay for your daughter's $$ wedding, what about your sons?

[Anonymous]

Rich people problem alert! (none of this money will effect our retirement money or plans)

Do you try to make that "fair" with your sons? DH wants to just offer each of the kids the same amount, say $100,000, and let them use for wedding and house downpayment. But in truth, I cannot see denying DD the fancy wedding (which we will all truly enjoy) and also helping her get into her first house. For the oldest son, we paid closing costs and whatever else after DS first secured a mortgage loan on his own, which came to just under $100,000.

[Anonymous]

Neither. I'll probably offer a cash gift - wedding, down-payment or grad school.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your DH but in reality I expect it would matter what the kids and kids fiances and kids fiances parents were liked and wanted to do.

Personally I think the whole “parents of the bride pay for the wedding” is pretty antiquated (is it instead of or in addition to a dowry?) so I wouldn’t start with that as a baseline. I’d start with giving kids money to spend as seemed best to them.

[Anonymous]

You paid for your daughters wedding in full, with no help from her in laws? And planning not to help at all with son’s? Everyone I know is going 50-50 on weddings these days, it’s so archaic and sexist otherwise. That would also solve your other problem — yes, it is unfair for your sons to get downpayment help and not your daughter.

[Anonymous]

The last handful of weddings where I know "who paid", half the couples paid the vast majority (about 90%), and the other half, the bride's family paid the majority (about 75%).

[Anonymous]

these days the grooms fam is "expected" to pay for more than they were in the past. this message hasn't seemed to make it to lots of the grooms' families. we paid for our DD's entire wedding. groom's fam paid for rehearsal dinner.

it doesn't seem fair to spend 100k on a daughter's wedding and then nothing for the son. but it also doesn't seem fair to pay 100k for a wedding and 100k (example numbers) and then just pay 100k to the son for downpayment.

if the wedding wasn't so extravagant, there wouldn't be such a discrepancy, but i feel like spending 100k on a wedding is more for the parents to show off than what the bride actually **needs** to pull off a nicee wedding.

we went to a wedding last night that was over 100k. it was very nice, but i think it is kind of crazy to spend that much for a one night party. i would rather have money to put on a house.

[Anonymous]

We have always told our kids that we will not pay for their weddings. If they cannot pay for own wedding they are not ready to get married. We have, however, paid for all their education- colleges and post college professional school education. We also plan to give them cash gift of 300k each when they settle down. Maybe use it as first home down payment.

[Anonymous]

I would not pay that much for anyone’s wedding, but I wouldn’t give my children different amounts of money based on their sexes.

[Anonymous]

I would pay equal, but I think I would pay more in a sympathetic situation. Like if DD married someone whose family is well-off, but my DS married someone whose parents had already passed away and never had much. Or if my DS married someone in an admirable but low-paid profession I would be more than happy to top up.

[Anonymous]

We paid in the $80-90k range for DDs wedding. Grooms family did the rehearsal. For DS it will depend on what he does/who he marries. If it’s a rich girl whose family pays, then great, we will do the rehearsal. If the girls’s family doesn’t have as much and they want to have a big wedding we’d be happy to pay a big chunk. If there is no wedding then I’m not sure I’d hand over $100k to equalize.

[Anonymous]

Agree w your husband. Easy to be fair like this
Gift Daughter30 k, Son in law 30k, Son 30 first year
Same 2nd year.
That gives the wedding couple more as the new family member benefits but it feels fair to son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have always told our kids that we will not pay for their weddings. If they cannot pay for own wedding they are not ready to get married. We have, however, paid for all their education- colleges and post college professional school education. We also plan to give them cash gift of 300k each when they settle down. Maybe use it as first home down payment.

Np. To be truthful is the party tthat is so expensive. You can get married at the court! I can't imagine spending $100,000 on a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your DH but in reality I expect it would matter what the kids and kids fiances and kids fiances parents were liked and wanted to do.

Personally I think the whole “parents of the bride pay for the wedding” is pretty antiquated (is it instead of or in addition to a dowry?) so I wouldn’t start with that as a baseline. I’d start with giving kids money to spend as seemed best to them.

It may be antiquated in your eyes but it's still the reality for most. We've paid for three daughter weddings; none of our sons-in-laws parents offered to pay much of anything.

[Anonymous]

We are giving them cash. How they spend it is up to them. The is the bride's day, along with her mother's, so I'm trying to stay in the background and let them do the planning. We aren't wealthy. Their wedding will be small. Also, I'm a minister and I'm officiating. They are getting married in our backyard by the pool. The reception is catered, but at our home. We have a large outdoor kitchen with a really nice bar. I think it will be fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You paid for your daughters wedding in full, with no help from her in laws? And planning not to help at all with son’s? Everyone I know is going 50-50 on weddings these days, it’s so archaic and sexist otherwise. That would also solve your other problem — yes, it is unfair for your sons to get downpayment help and not your daughter.

Your social circle must be small. This is not the norm, even today.