When you pay for your daughter's $$ wedding, what about your sons?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
After seeing a huge big fat wedding recently, we know that for our DD's wedding we will only pay for our guests, guests of our children + the nuclear family of the groom/bride(if needed). The groom and his family can pay for their side of guests. Else, you will have resentment for everything you spend on. Same goes for my DS. We get the guests, we pay.
Culturally, different families value different things. The trick is to have a frank conversation at the onset and work out the numbers with both sets of parents and bride and groom. Frankly, if the couple would rather spend their money on the honeymoon and want a backyard ceremony, I am all for it. If one set of parents want events and ceremonies they care about, then they should pay for it. And they are not obligated to invite guests from the other side. I will pay the same for both my DS and DD. Same goes for giving help for down-payment or for looking after their children. |
Anonymous
This sounds right for our family too. |
Anonymous
|
Thing I am missing a wedding is not a lot of money to do.
I got married in 1998. We did a nice wedding. We kept guests to 110. We had older aunts and uncles and some couples young kids. We did a 10 am Mass, did a catering hall near church for a 1-6 wedding. We spent money on great food and drink, dancing. Pre wedding outside top of line food and drinks, sit down dinner. Wonderful desert selection on top of cake. Everyone stayed to end unlike those crazy 7- midnight weddings where 1/2 folks leave. In the end since we focused on guests, kept guest list tight we broke even. My wife and I paid ourself but got 100 percent back in wedding day. So by not doing it would have saved zero. |
Anonymous
|
My in-laws paid for their daughter's wedding. They also contributed about the same amount to their son's wedding (to me), which was more expensive overall. I (the bride) did not want a big wedding, and my parent's were indifferent, but their family (including my now-DH) did.
I would never have asked my parents to pay for a big wedding that none of our family wanted. DH and I paid for most of the wedding, but his parents helped a lot. I think everyone felt it was fair and worked out okay. I still would have skipped the big wedding, but what is marriage if not compromise? |
Anonymous
|
My in-laws paid for a crazy expensive wedding for my husband's sister. Her in-laws apparently didn't contribute at all.
When we got married a few years before, we had to pay for the bulk of the wedding ourselves. I was the bride, and my parents weren't in a position to contribute much financially, and my in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner but didn't otherwise contribute to their son's wedding. This wasn't about the money (they have plenty), but about what was "traditional". I didn't really care that they splashed out for their daughter's wedding after not contributing to their son's, except that when we got married, they kept pushing us to invite all their friends and extended relatives, and to spend money on upgrades / fancier things. That annoyed me a lot in hindsight, since if they wanted to dictate the wedding, they should have opened their pocket book. |
Anonymous
| Mom of 2 sons here. I haven't thought about wedding costs, yet, but I would absolutely offer to either pay half or give the couple money to use as they wish. I can't believe the people who say they don't pay for their sons' weddings. If you're going to be that old-fashioned, do you refuse to send your daughters to college, too? |
Anonymous
Aaaaaand this is how you alienate your children. OP, this is archaic thinking. Your daughter's wedding is a family expense?! My ass it is. You're picking and choosing your old fashioned traditions. If you're going to pay only for your daughter's wedding with no equal compensation to your sons, you should withhold college tuition from your daughter because this era of thinking also did not think women should be educated. If you want a giant blowout wedding for your own sake (and I can only imagine this will end up on a Carolyn Hax letter some day), fine. But you need to also give your sons the same money towards their own weddings. |
Anonymous
| I got married within the last 5 years. $10k cash gift from my parents (who are UMC), nothing from DH's parents (who are poor), so we paid cash for most of it, keeping costs under $30k with a little creativity and a smaller wedding. Spent almost as much on our honeymoon, which was worth every cent! |
Anonymous
| I expect my daughters to pay for their own weddings if they want to get married. -Mom |
Anonymous
This! Be an adult. All these coddled adult “kids” will never make it in real life. 50% will end up divorced. Embarrassing and yes everyone will gossip about it. |
Anonymous
| Great wedding chat. But the question: is your daughter’s wedding in addition to or instead of the $$ you gave your son(s) for a house down payment? |
Anonymous
|
Equal money to all kids. How they choose to spend it is up to them.
|
Anonymous
|
The brides family paid 100 percent daughters wedding as historically groom provided the house.
In case of my both my grandmothers they married men who were eldest sons and inherited Farm/House. It set up their children in life. Today we have in the case of my niece marrying a man/child in a rental with student loans. My brother was more than happy to throw even a 100k wedding is she was marrying an Investment banker with a home in Chevy Chase and pied a tier in NYC with no pre Nup. This guy marrying his daughter deserves a value meal at McDonalds |
Anonymous
I have all daughters so I would like to see the new normal bride parents 1/3, groom parents 1/3 and bride and groom 1/3. |
Anonymous
|
How does engagement rings play into picture?
I dated a rich girl when I was 29. My net worth was like 20k total. We almost got engaged and this was 1991. We talked about engagement rings as her cousin just got engaged to an equally poor guy who spent 20k on ring. My girl friend said she would expect the same. She was very down to earth. I mean she lived in a studio apt and drive her college car at 29 Turns out huge fancy family weddings are expected. Her Dad is paying whole thing. Aunts and Uncles give 1k to 5k gifts and expect it to be over the top. She said her closing had 500 people and got around $250,000 in cash at wedding. So groom spending 20k on ring and 5k fancy honeymoon is an investment. Cant be throwing a $100,000 wedding with a tiny ring from Zales on finger. I did not marry her but I often thought what a great deal. I would have bought an amazing amazing house in 1992 with a 250k down payment In certain cases engagement rings and weddings are an investment not an expense |