When you pay for your daughter's $$ wedding, what about your sons?

[Anonymous]

I got married in the late 90s. My parents paid for the whole wedding, which was about $15,000 total.

A few years later my brother married. His wedding was much more expensive, the bride was from Ireland so that's where the wedding was held. My parents paid for a full week lodging for all of the groom's side--basically there was a golf resort a large cluster of vacation townhomes and my parents rented out many of them for the guests to stay in. The bride's family also rented some out for their guests.
My parents also paid airfare and other expenses for some of their guests that couldn't afford it, a rehersal dinner, and some of the other expenses. In the end, despite not paying anything (or much?) for the wedding itself, my parents spent way more on my brother's wedding. Two years later they were divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tradition is the groom pays FLOP- Flowers, liquor, orchestra, photographer and rehearsal dinner. Turns out to be about 50-50. We’re lucky in that neither of us had student loans so we were able to use our wedding gifts as part of our down payment.

Never in my nearly 50 years of walking on this earth have I heard this. Sounds like something made up by a Bride mag. Not saying it’s terrible; it’s certainly not “tradition”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tradition is the groom pays FLOP- Flowers, liquor, orchestra, photographer and rehearsal dinner. Turns out to be about 50-50. We’re lucky in that neither of us had student loans so we were able to use our wedding gifts as part of our down payment.

Never in my nearly 50 years of walking on this earth have I heard this. Sounds like something made up by a Bride mag. Not saying it’s terrible; it’s certainly not “tradition”.

??? That's the way we handled it in my family growing up. My parents paid the FLOP (and cake, bride's gifts to bridal party, bride's dress). Note that the FLOP also would include the church fees and all tips. For my sister's wedding my parents paid for everything, including flowers, band, bar, photographer and my brother in law's family paid for the rehearsal dinner. Our families had very different financial circumstances. On the other hand, my husband and I paid for everything ourselves because we could and we wanted to. Whatever.

For two of my girl cousins, the my aunt and uncle paid for everything, including the rehearsal dinner. None of their other 6 siblings never said a word about the supposed inequity. They were more interested in everyone having a nice wedding and reception.

[Anonymous]

This all depends on cultural traditions of both families (got to tread lightly when they don't overlap well), the age of couple, and the means of the parties involved. There simply is not a single set rule of "who pays."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tradition is the groom pays FLOP- Flowers, liquor, orchestra, photographer and rehearsal dinner. Turns out to be about 50-50. We’re lucky in that neither of us had student loans so we were able to use our wedding gifts as part of our down payment.

Never in my nearly 50 years of walking on this earth have I heard this. Sounds like something made up by a Bride mag. Not saying it’s terrible; it’s certainly not “tradition”.

Our cultural tradition is that the grooms family pays for liquor and the rehearsal dinner. I can see how the flowers would be a groom-side item, but brides tend to be really into what the flowers are and so usually pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Never in my nearly 50 years of walking on this earth have I heard this. Sounds like something made up by a Bride mag. Not saying it’s terrible; it’s certainly not “tradition”.

??? That's the way we handled it in my family growing up.

Fine, but that doesn’t make it traditional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents told each of us (4 kids - 2 boys, 2 girls) that they had $50k allocated to each of us that we could spend how we liked. I used half towards my wedding and half towards a down payment for a house. My sister used some for a wedding and some to help pay for grad school. My brother used it all to help pay for business school. I think it was a good approach on my parents’ part.

I would much rather give each of my kids money when they reach a certain age than tie it to a life event and associated party.

I say this even though my parents paid for my wedding. And my sister’s. And one brother’s. The other brother isn’t married (and I love the guy but I can’t imagine he’ll ever get married)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Never in my nearly 50 years of walking on this earth have I heard this. Sounds like something made up by a Bride mag. Not saying it’s terrible; it’s certainly not “tradition”.

??? That's the way we handled it in my family growing up.

Fine, but that doesn’t make it traditional.

Agree, I've never heard of this tradition. I've always heard that the grooms family pays for the rehersal dinner and the brides bouquet.
In my case, my Dh's parents offered a set amount towards the rehersal dinner (about 1/2.) She didn't say anything about the bouquet and it was just part of our whole order with the florist so my parents paid for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tradition is the groom pays FLOP- Flowers, liquor, orchestra, photographer and rehearsal dinner. Turns out to be about 50-50. We’re lucky in that neither of us had student loans so we were able to use our wedding gifts as part of our down payment.

Never in my nearly 50 years of walking on this earth have I heard this. Sounds like something made up by a Bride mag. Not saying it’s terrible; it’s certainly not “tradition”.

That is not the tradition. Groom family pays for rehearsal dinner and honeymoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aunt always says the mother of the grooms job at a wedding is to shut up and wear beige.

Lol! This is really funny. I totally disagree, but like your aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tradition is the groom pays FLOP- Flowers, liquor, orchestra, photographer and rehearsal dinner. Turns out to be about 50-50. We’re lucky in that neither of us had student loans so we were able to use our wedding gifts as part of our down payment.

Never in my nearly 50 years of walking on this earth have I heard this. Sounds like something made up by a Bride mag. Not saying it’s terrible; it’s certainly not “tradition”.

That is not the tradition. Groom family pays for rehearsal dinner and honeymoon.

And limosz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those who wouldn't help the same for their sons as their daughters, I dearly hope we never become in-laws. If by chance we do, I will ensure a strict prenup that will ensure my daughters maintain full financial control over their assets and inheritance.

From very wealthy mom who has evolved past the stone age

This is odd. If we were on the other side we would have the same thing. Why is this news?

Look -- yes I would pay for daughter's wedding -- any amount and I would not allow them to pay a dime. That is dumb. I have money that will be subject to the Estate tax. They do not. I would not let other parents pay. Pay gives control to other parents and I would not do it.

For my son, I will do what most wealthy parents do -- pay for honeymoon. It will be less than the wedding but I am not concerned about coming out dime for dime with each kid. If one went to Harvard and Harvard Law full pay and one did not go to college -- the one that did not go is not getting $500,000 plus. Just the way it goes.

In terms of house -- sure help with down payments if needed. More likely would be gifting maximum every year and there are other ways to transfer assets.

This makes no sense. If your son is engaged to someone who’s family can’t afford to cover a wedding you wouldn’t pay? Most of my wealthy friends parents and my parents (for my brother) let the brides parents give a number they were comfortable with and covered the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think as an Indian parent, I have a certain dream of what the weddings of my kids will look like. I want to invite people that I have spent a lifetime connecting with. So I would want a certain minimum standard to be adhered to and I have my list of guests too. I certainly won’t want to pay for the other party’s guests. I am willing to pay for 20 people from other side but the other party can pay for who so ever else that they they want to invite.

In short, I will pay the same amount for my son’s and my daughter’s wedding and I will pay for events that I want to happen, customs that I want to be observed, and guests that I want to be invited. If the bride and groom and the ILs want to piggyback on the event, and invite their own guests, they will have to cough up the cash for additional guests. And I am certainly not paying for events and ceremonies that is not from my own faith.

If my kids would rather do their own stuff and pay for it themselves, we are more than happy to show up like guests. However, the current trend is that non-Hindus love to get a Bollywood wedding and not spend a dime of their own money.

Ugh.

My (Indian) in-laws did exactly this. We threw, and paid for, our own modest wedding, with our own small guest list. My in-laws insisted on a massive, elaborate wedding, with everyone they'd ever met in attendance. It was the most miserable evening of my entire life. It was all about them, them, them. They also lied through their teeth about what it was, because I asked for it not to be an obnoxious massive affair, and ignored any request I had to not push ceremonies I was uncomfortable with. Many years later, I have never fully forgiven them.

Not Indian but I had a similar experience with my inlaws. They hijacked my wedding. It was ALL about them. It was awful. I was miserable. I have never gotten along with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tradition is the groom pays FLOP- Flowers, liquor, orchestra, photographer and rehearsal dinner. Turns out to be about 50-50. We’re lucky in that neither of us had student loans so we were able to use our wedding gifts as part of our down payment.

Never in my nearly 50 years of walking on this earth have I heard this. Sounds like something made up by a Bride mag. Not saying it’s terrible; it’s certainly not “tradition”.

Yeah I never in my life heard this. I’ve heard rehearsal dinner or alcohol. Dhs parents said they’d pay for rehearsal dinner but Dh wouldn’t call to discuss (this should have been a warning sign for how the rest of our life would go!!!). We were soooo broke so we moved forward with the rehearsal dinner we could afford at 24 after paying for our own wedding- pizza at my apartment. Dhs dad went to pick up the pizza even and didn’t bother to even pay them (it went on our credit card like a bazillion other things that month!). They eventually paid us back the $140 for pizza and that was all they paid for our wedding. I got some nice shower gifts. They paid for SILs wedding in full which I’m sure was over 50k. I was salty about how they didn’t even pay for their plate at their own sons wedding. I probably won’t ever get over it. Ha. My friends really did judge our rehearsal dinner as they flew in and my family is UMC.

[Anonymous]

People live together before getting married
A wedding can be low key
Do what you like