When you pay for your daughter's $$ wedding, what about your sons?

[Anonymous]

My son is getting married next year and I can’t imagine not contributing close to 50% within a reasonable budget. Weddings are insanely expensive these days and following the old “brides parents pay for everything” is a joke.

[Anonymous]

I could not attend a third cousin wedding recently I have not seen in at least 15 years. I sent a formal card Hallmark card expressing my regrets and a check for $150.

I would have sent more but the wedding was 250 Miles away and an awkward Friday night wedding so i not sure if I needed to be invited. Plus it was adults only and I still have a 12 year old at home and my two oldest were away at college.

If I went and they let 12 year old attend would have given $500. If it was a niece or nephew $1,000.

I am attending a second cousin wedding on three weeks also 250 miles away but it is a Saturday night and service is in hotel and by an Amtrak station and they also did not invite 12 year old so going by myself so wife can watch daughter.

Honestly what cheapskates brides and grooms. I understand not inviting screaming kids or maybe older kids but folks like me with kids 12-16 to young to leave home. And most wedding halls kids are a lot cheaper. I let them all come my wedding if no babysitting. I had around 25 kids. Guess what my 8-18 year old relatives liked it best.

I paid for college all my daughters in fact more girls in college than men. Men are the deadbeats not women today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is getting married next year and I can’t imagine not contributing close to 50% within a reasonable budget. Weddings are insanely expensive these days and following the old “brides parents pay for everything” is a joke.

If the bride's parents could not pay I would be happy to do so. But I would would never split paying. You are in or you are out. Bad way to start a relationship fighting over how much to spend on flowers.

Life isn't fair, has never been and never will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After seeing a huge big fat wedding recently, we know that for our DD's wedding we will only pay for our guests, guests of our children + the nuclear family of the groom/bride(if needed). The groom and his family can pay for their side of guests. Else, you will have resentment for everything you spend on. Same goes for my DS. We get the guests, we pay.

Culturally, different families value different things. The trick is to have a frank conversation at the onset and work out the numbers with both sets of parents and bride and groom. Frankly, if the couple would rather spend their money on the honeymoon and want a backyard ceremony, I am all for it. If one set of parents want events and ceremonies they care about, then they should pay for it. And they are not obligated to invite guests from the other side.

I will pay the same for both my DS and DD. Same goes for giving help for down-payment or for looking after their children.

That is a bit of a hard line. So if the groom's family doesn't have means you are okay with not including people from your future son in law's side of the family in the celebration of the marriage of your DD? We paid for DDs wedding as the groom's family does not have a lot of money. Many friends and family of the groom attended and it was a joyful and fun event. I can't imagine telling my son in law he couldn't invite people from his side.

And based on our experience, the additional per guest charge isn't that big a factor in the overall costs. The expensive parts were things like the venue, photographer, flowers, dress, etc. Yes the catering was a big piece, but the additional cost per plate was a fraction of the total.

Of course if you have limited resources that's a different story but I would just encourage them to downscale the wedding significantly. That was not something we had to worry about.

I think that people can take out loans to fund their guests. So the groom parents can choose to include their side by figuring out how to pay for those people. Both sets of parents and the bride and groom need to contribute.

[Anonymous]

My aunt always says the mother of the grooms job at a wedding is to shut up and wear beige.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could not attend a third cousin wedding recently I have not seen in at least 15 years. I sent a formal card Hallmark card expressing my regrets and a check for $150.

I would have sent more but the wedding was 250 Miles away and an awkward Friday night wedding so i not sure if I needed to be invited. Plus it was adults only and I still have a 12 year old at home and my two oldest were away at college.

If I went and they let 12 year old attend would have given $500. If it was a niece or nephew $1,000.

I am attending a second cousin wedding on three weeks also 250 miles away but it is a Saturday night and service is in hotel and by an Amtrak station and they also did not invite 12 year old so going by myself so wife can watch daughter.

Honestly what cheapskates brides and grooms. I understand not inviting screaming kids or maybe older kids but folks like me with kids 12-16 to young to leave home. And most wedding halls kids are a lot cheaper. I let them all come my wedding if no babysitting. I had around 25 kids. Guess what my 8-18 year old relatives liked it best.

I paid for college all my daughters in fact more girls in college than men. Men are the deadbeats not women today

Most teens have zero interest in going to weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is getting married next year and I can’t imagine not contributing close to 50% within a reasonable budget. Weddings are insanely expensive these days and following the old “brides parents pay for everything” is a joke.

If the bride's parents could not pay I would be happy to do so. But I would would never split paying. You are in or you are out. Bad way to start a relationship fighting over how much to spend on flowers.

Life isn't fair, has never been and never will be.

Then some parents just won’t help pay at all. I don’t see why at the very least you couldn’t split the costs paying for the guests on your side. It’s not uncommon for the groom’s parents to cause drama even when they don’t pay a penny towards the wedding anyway, or they want to invite guests that’s way over the limit. And honestly, no one but the bride and groom is obligated to pay for a wedding. Some people forget that a tradition is just that, a tradition, it’s not the same thing as a requirement. Wedding costs are obscene and I would never pay the entire costs for a daughters wedding on my own even if I could afford it. She’d be on her own if the costs weren’t split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thing I am missing a wedding is not a lot of money to do.

I got married in 1998. We did a nice wedding. We kept guests to 110. We had older aunts and uncles and some couples young kids.

We did a 10 am Mass, did a catering hall near church for a 1-6 wedding.

We spent money on great food and drink, dancing. Pre wedding outside top of line food and drinks, sit down dinner. Wonderful desert selection on top of cake.

Everyone stayed to end unlike those crazy 7- midnight weddings where 1/2 folks leave.

In the end since we focused on guests, kept guest list tight we broke even.

My wife and I paid ourself but got 100 percent back in wedding day. So by not doing it would have saved zero.

That is a very transactional view of a celebration.

Y
It is a transactional relationship. My two older sisters and brother were already married. My last sibling emailed a spreadsheet with the names and addresses of relatives who attended. It included the gift amounts given. So I knew the cost of wedding and ballpark the gift. My wife had similar list from older sister.

I knew ball park what my friends give so did wife. Single people always discuss what they give.

My wife and I laying ourselves were willing to lose money. In my case it appeared the closest people first 40 are generous. Next 40 are break even. The further out you go the lower the gift is.

My one uncle is really cheap I still invited him. He gives $25 dollars and expects you to put him up at your house two days and feed him. Luckily my mom got stuck.

Also bitter checks come. One of my wife’s best friends who was 34 and single with a huge high paying job gave $75 dollars. Not even close to cost and was sane amount a 22 year old would give and she made $250k.

Then a few generous folks. I was scrapping nickels together and my old aunts fixed income and my $25 dollar uncle I am fine with but folks who literally are loaded coming to a wedding that is $130 a plate and giving way under is annoying as same folks who brag they do $500 dinners all the time.

I have been giving $1,000 at weddings since around 2008 if kids invited and $500 if just as a couple. Even $500 a couple for a nice place covers the plates but not much left over.

I don’t think folks have to cover plate. But come somewhat close at least if a modest wedding.

Perhaps this is reason couples are skipping big weddings as the guests are stingy. Cause In normal times a $40k wedding you get at least $30-$35k gifts. Today you get no shows and folks show up a used bowl from a flea market

ou made the choice to have the wedding. My husband and I give $50 and that's it. I didn't expect more than that when I got married and it was exciting when it was. We make 200K a year-not here to fund your wedding. I wouldn't pay $130 for a meal of my own choosing, much less for wedding food so now I'm not giving a gift to cover your choice. You could have done cake/punch at the church. Your choice-your financial responsibility. Esp. if I'm flying out, paying for a hotel, taking vacation day, etc. No-just no. Why does your wedding need to cost me money? Do I want to see you? Yes. Do I need to spend $$$$ to do it? No.

BTW you do realize the mothers of the bride and the grooms ask about gifts. Most generous and cheapest come up. $50 has not been a wedding gift since the 1970s. Cake/punch at church? Not a thing on Catholic Church. And even my cousin who did the cheapest wedding on world in the backyard with tents and I thought skimpiest Food possible and a few local HS kids passing around for and drinks cost him at least $70 a person.

BTW there are minimums and fees. Even my local knights of Columbus hall if I ordered pizzas, beer, then a cake and coffee with rental fee hall and food a d required janitor fee for clean up is at least $40 a person.

$50 gift is what my kids get for a back yard bbq birthday party. And I loose money. I have a sister and brother show up three kids. On average just those five people bottle low priced wine, 4-5 beers, 3-6 sodas, 6-9 hamburgers and hotdogs and five slices of cake and salad and appetizers on side. They are giving $10 bucks a person. I appreciate the “gift” but dude giving $50 at a modest wedding is crazy. Don’t give anything you be better off.

I didn't grow up in an environment where we measured the value of the wedding gift against the cost of inviting the guest to the wedding. That wasn't the point....

You are a cheap skate. My invited some deadbeats like you and luckily my in-laws and parents gave extra to cover you. Stay home next time

What is it about weddings that makes people think they are entitled to whatever they want? You choose to get married. Having a wedding isn’t even a requirement to get married. Especially when many if not most couples are already living together in their own homes way before they have weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You paid for your daughters wedding in full, with no help from her in laws? And planning not to help at all with son’s? Everyone I know is going 50-50 on weddings these days, it’s so archaic and sexist otherwise. That would also solve your other problem — yes, it is unfair for your sons to get downpayment help and not your daughter.

Your social circle must be small. This is not the norm, even today.

HAHAHHAHAHA PP must have all daughters and doesn't want to spring for the weddings.

LOL.

[Anonymous]

My relative just paid for a big fat wedding that the groom and the groom's family did not contribute to. There is a lot of resentment about it. The fact that the groom's side is financially incapable and unwilling also tracks with other factors - family dysfunction, low education, and low SES in the groom's family and friends.

My relative is reacting to that more than the wedding finances part. The bride has chosen a man who does not have a solid support system in his social network, he will always have issues with crisis of one sort or another among family and friends etc. There are no guarantees in life but parents want some assurance that their child is marrying into a functional family where people value education and have good careers/income to support their families. No one wants their offspring married into a family where everyone is living paycheck to paycheck.

[Anonymous]

My parents told each of us (4 kids - 2 boys, 2 girls) that they had $50k allocated to each of us that we could spend how we liked. I used half towards my wedding and half towards a down payment for a house. My sister used some for a wedding and some to help pay for grad school. My brother used it all to help pay for business school. I think it was a good approach on my parents’ part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You paid for your daughters wedding in full, with no help from her in laws? And planning not to help at all with son’s? Everyone I know is going 50-50 on weddings these days, it’s so archaic and sexist otherwise. That would also solve your other problem — yes, it is unfair for your sons to get downpayment help and not your daughter.

Your social circle must be small. This is not the norm, even today.

HAHAHHAHAHA PP must have all daughters and doesn't want to spring for the weddings.

LOL.

I missed the memo that women have fully funded weddings paid for by their parents is a right, and required.

[Anonymous]

Your sons will benefit from a patriarchal society their entire lives. No need to worry.

I think it's ridiculous to spend so much money on a party, but if that's what you wish to do it's certainly your prerogative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You paid for your daughters wedding in full, with no help from her in laws? And planning not to help at all with son’s? Everyone I know is going 50-50 on weddings these days, it’s so archaic and sexist otherwise. That would also solve your other problem — yes, it is unfair for your sons to get downpayment help and not your daughter.

Your social circle must be small. This is not the norm, even today.

HAHAHHAHAHA PP must have all daughters and doesn't want to spring for the weddings.

LOL.

I missed the memo that women have fully funded weddings paid for by their parents is a right, and required.

Marriage itself is archaic and sexist. Wake up people.

[Anonymous]

Tradition is the groom pays FLOP- Flowers, liquor, orchestra, photographer and rehearsal dinner. Turns out to be about 50-50. We’re lucky in that neither of us had student loans so we were able to use our wedding gifts as part of our down payment.