SAHM-friend has NEVER once asked about my job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me see if I have this straight: so hearing about her dog or curtains or in-laws is fascinating, and my overseas trip to present ground-breaking science is boring.

And it is rude for her to inquire about the public facing part of my life, but not my retirement plans or medical history?

These "arguments" do not add up.

You sound cool.

And no, nobody wants to hear about your “ground-breaking” science project. Boring AF.

I guess if you are anti-intellectual.

Have fun dissecting last night's episode of Squid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me see if I have this straight: so hearing about her dog or curtains or in-laws is fascinating, and my overseas trip to present ground-breaking science is boring.

And it is rude for her to inquire about the public facing part of my life, but not my retirement plans or medical history?

These "arguments" do not add up.

Hearing about dogs and curtains and in-laws can definitely be fascinating and to me they are almost always interesting. I hate dogs but I love hearing what others' dogs do, I am always trying to figure out how to make my house look nicer and curtains are part of that, and in laws...when are they not interesting? I often get really into these conversations and part of that is I'm open-minded and choose to take an interest in what my friends are interested in.

I only ask about somebody's job when there is a lull in the conversation and I'm desperate for something to talk about. I know my husband sometimes doesn't want to talk about his job sometimes because it's stressful and he needs a break from thinking about it.

I do think it's odd to ask about medical history or retirement plans when somebody hasn't volunteered information about it. But if you want to talk about your job, just talk about your job! If you don't want to talk about curtains, politely change the subject! If you don't want to talk about your medical history, deflect! This is just social interaction 101.

Also, I'm a SAHM with a loooong mommy gap. There was a time when I was really insecure about it because the reason I was a stay at home mom was because I couldn't find a job that paid enough to cover childcare. I was interested in others' jobs but I hated talking about how I didn't have a job because I sucked, so I didn't ask a lot about others' jobs unless I was comfortable enough to share my insecurities with them. My husband makes a lot of money and that almost made it worse, because I felt like I didn't deserve what I had because I hadn't earned it.

I have gotten over my insecurities, but being a SAHM can be kind of embarrassing, especially if you get the vibe that somebody is judging you for it. Luckily exactly zero of my friends and the vast majority of people I have interacted with look down on me for being a SHAM.

I feel bad for your friend, OP. I think you two not being friends would be for the best, but barring that, I hope you can be a little less judgmental.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel my life is superior to hers in any way. But I think that where I spend all day Monday though Friday does not have to be off the table. It is AS deserving of discussion as what she does all week.

NOT better but real and worthy of inclusion in the conversation.

Why do most posters feel the need to disrespect a professional woman's contributions to the larger society?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel my life is superior to hers in any way. But I think that where I spend all day Monday though Friday does not have to be off the table. It is AS deserving of discussion as what she does all week.

NOT better but real and worthy of inclusion in the conversation.

Why do most posters feel the need to disrespect a professional woman's contributions to the larger society?

Um, I think most posters are professional when who contribute to the larger society, so I'm not sure that's what's going on here.

I didn't read all the comments, but did you mention that you tried to bring it up with your friend? I do think that it's a basic rule of human interaction that you don't wait around for somebody to talk about what you want to talk about.

[Anonymous]

The only reason anyone asks me about my job is because I’m a pediatrician and they want my advice on their kid’s rash. I don’t think anyone has ever asked my husband (NASA) how his work is going, unless they are also an aeronautical engineer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel my life is superior to hers in any way. But I think that where I spend all day Monday though Friday does not have to be off the table. It is AS deserving of discussion as what she does all week.

NOT better but real and worthy of inclusion in the conversation.

Why do most posters feel the need to disrespect a professional woman's contributions to the larger society?

Is she actually telling you not to talk about it, or just not asking about it? You’re allowed to bring up something you’re excited about, you don’t have to wait for an engraved invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has absolutely nothing to do with your friend being a SAHM.

I disagree. If a huge part of her day was the office, her boss, her projects, I think it would come up.

I see it as self-centeredness. If is does not exist in her bubble, it does not exist.

+1.

Bullshit! I work and I don't ask my friends about work unless they bring it up. For most people work isn't that interesting. OP simply doesn't have an identity outside of her job and is looking for a way to bash SAHMs. Sad.

+1 and a lot of us can't ethically discuss our work anyway. Office gossip maybe (if you are a gossip), but that would be boring if you don't know the players. Heck, even my friends who are writers know better than to give a real answer when someone asks, "tell me about your book." Ha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me see if I have this straight: so hearing about her dog or curtains or in-laws is fascinating, and my overseas trip to present ground-breaking science is boring.

And it is rude for her to inquire about the public facing part of my life, but not my retirement plans or medical history?

These "arguments" do not add up.

Correct. Some people are interested in hearing about scientific achievements in your workplace, and others are not. I don’t know why that’s hard to get? Retirement plans, health, in laws- these are things all people experience and can share opinions about and chat about (dogs, less so, if you’re not a pet owner). If she were a tax lawyer and expected you to ask her about changes in tax law for the fiscal year…. Would you be interested in that? I know I wouldn’t be. And it doesn’t mean I don’t respect her work it just means I have zero interest in the field of tax law.

[Anonymous]

I would want to hear a NASA engineer's opinion about space tourism.

I would ask my pediatrician friend how her practice has changed in light of the pandemic.

I might ask a lawyer what he thinks of the Jan 6 prosecutions or how Texas' abortion law might fare in the supreme court.

What do you people talk about at dinner parties? Who you go to for botox?

[Anonymous]

Op, I suspect she never asks b/c she wouldn't be able to relate. I have a friend like that. When we all socialize together, sometimes the conversations will meander to general work-related headaches and such. Her H would talk about it and my H and I would know exactly where he's coming from, but she does not. Not that we ever dwell on the topic, but when it comes up organically she's made it clear that she had no interest whatsoever. She acts so pointedly bored (could not even feign neutrality for 1 minute) that sometimes I wonder if it's her defense mechanism for her insecurity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to hear a NASA engineer's opinion about space tourism.

I would ask my pediatrician friend how her practice has changed in light of the pandemic.

I might ask a lawyer what he thinks of the Jan 6 prosecutions or how Texas' abortion law might fare in the supreme court.

What do you people talk about at dinner parties? Who you go to for botox?

Pediatrician here- I’ve been asked that question (or similar ones) so many times in the past year. The answer is I’m overworked and exhausted and don’t want to talk shop. Next!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to hear a NASA engineer's opinion about space tourism.

I would ask my pediatrician friend how her practice has changed in light of the pandemic.

I might ask a lawyer what he thinks of the Jan 6 prosecutions or how Texas' abortion law might fare in the supreme court.

What do you people talk about at dinner parties? Who you go to for botox?

Current events, recent or upcoming travel, our families, and yes sometimes our jobs if- for example- one is a vaccine researcher and pediatric covid vaccines are on the horizon. But if someone goes “so, Susan, how’s the old law firm these days?” it means that we have run out of more interesting topics and it’s probably time to wrap up the dinner party.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom and my mom friends almost all work. I never ask them about their jobs and they never ask me about mine....but we all of course bring up things going on at work if it's interesting or we want to talk about it, which we do regualrly.

Its the same as someone asking "hows your health, hows your marriage, hows your house, how are your parents...." questions like this are so tedius! With friends if you want to share something about your health / marriage / house / parents / work you just bring it up to discuss, you don't wait until someone is running through the boring laundry list of things to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to hear a NASA engineer's opinion about space tourism.

I would ask my pediatrician friend how her practice has changed in light of the pandemic.

I might ask a lawyer what he thinks of the Jan 6 prosecutions or how Texas' abortion law might fare in the supreme court.

What do you people talk about at dinner parties? Who you go to for botox?

I'm a psychiatrist and hate being asked about how the pandemic has affected people with mental illness. First of all, I am not an epidemiologist, and I don't really know. Secondly, I have no desire to tell personal stories about patients with mental illness at a dinner party. They nearly all come off as deeply tragic (even the ones I think are funny) if it isn't your day to day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel my life is superior to hers in any way. But I think that where I spend all day Monday though Friday does not have to be off the table. It is AS deserving of discussion as what she does all week.

NOT better but real and worthy of inclusion in the conversation.

Why do most posters feel the need to disrespect a professional woman's contributions to the larger society?

Oh gawd. No one has disrespected women’s contributions to larger society (vomit). Just talk about your job if it’s important to you. If she’s a friend she’ll listen.