Sigh. Another lonely weekend for my teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 17 year old and he is still the same. He is a very sweet kid with lots of interests including sports, politics, etc but I think he finds it hard to take friendships to a closer level. He also was very slow to join social media, in fact still does little with it, and I think that is a lot of how kids bonded, particularly in late middle school.

On one hand I do think my son has learned to enjoy his own company, which is great. On the other hand, I think he is often lonely (he is also an only child) and I think it is developmentally appropriate for teens to socialize with each other so find it a little concerning he is missing out on that.

It has given us food for thought as we discuss colleges (son is applying now). Some people have advised that son might more easily find friends at a smaller college, but I actually think he could feel more left out there as not being part of a group would be more noticeable (it is not like my son’s personality will magically change when he goes to college, and all of a sudden find it easy to make lots of friends). So I am encouraging him to apply to some larger colleges, and crossing my fingers he finds a few good friends at that stage of life.

My 16 year old is much the same. He’s good on his own generally, does a lot of school and out side of school activities and has a ton of homework and all. Seems perfectly sociable when I see him with other kids but he’s not hanging out with friends over the weekend or evenings. Also says he wants time to just do nothing after 10 hour school days. Do not think COVID helped.

My son is the same. Social and friendly. But he is not on social media (thinks it is trash and drama), is not into vaping or hanging out with othre kids as his schedule is packed. Now with college application ...that is another stress. He plays some sports at school, goes with friends to local fast food places to grab lunch at times, does his clubs, then comes home. Lots of homework and other EC activities. If someone is organizing something on the weekend, he will go for a couple of hours after he finishes his homework and EC work. He does not seem sad. He wants to catch up on sleep most of the times. One big interest is food. He likes for us to make him elaborate meals and different cuisines. So we cook a lot and he loves eating new things.

Before COVID, going to movies or restaurants was a normal thing. Now, even that has stopped. Somehow though he is doing alright. Video games is a life saver for the gen Z folks.

[Anonymous]

Do people not live in neighborhood with kids anymore? This is so foreign to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people not live in neighborhood with kids anymore? This is so foreign to me.

I live in a neighborhood with tons of kids, but things change a lot when they hit 12/13. Some kids get cliquey and mean, some recede to their bedrooms, some are online constantly. They’re not out running around anymore, at least in my experience.

[Anonymous]

That's a shame because that's not what I experienced. You'd think they'd want to all still do that especially if there are tons of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son got completely cancelled during COVID. In 8th grade. It really sucked. I was his friend. I took him hiking and biking and surfing at the beach. I took him skiing in the winter with my nephew to hang out with.

He started a new high school this year with no friends, and I was really nervous. He made a bunch of them fast, and has a really nice girlfriend too (first one). I think middle school can be really socially difficult. I'd just keep trying some different activities, to provide structure to his weekends, if nothing more. And hope that with enough variety in social groups, something will click. Sending hugs.

I love this, PP. I do think it matters tremendously if your parents have your back during years where your peers may not. It’s understandable that a large percentage of middle school kinds are idiots, but doesn’t change the fact that the idiocy can be really harmful to vulnerable teen/tweens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 17 year old and he is still the same. He is a very sweet kid with lots of interests including sports, politics, etc but I think he finds it hard to take friendships to a closer level. He also was very slow to join social media, in fact still does little with it, and I think that is a lot of how kids bonded, particularly in late middle school.

On one hand I do think my son has learned to enjoy his own company, which is great. On the other hand, I think he is often lonely (he is also an only child) and I think it is developmentally appropriate for teens to socialize with each other so find it a little concerning he is missing out on that.

It has given us food for thought as we discuss colleges (son is applying now). Some people have advised that son might more easily find friends at a smaller college, but I actually think he could feel more left out there as not being part of a group would be more noticeable (it is not like my son’s personality will magically change when he goes to college, and all of a sudden find it easy to make lots of friends). So I am encouraging him to apply to some larger colleges, and crossing my fingers he finds a few good friends at that stage of life.

My 16 year old is much the same. He’s good on his own generally, does a lot of school and out side of school activities and has a ton of homework and all. Seems perfectly sociable when I see him with other kids but he’s not hanging out with friends over the weekend or evenings. Also says he wants time to just do nothing after 10 hour school days. Do not think COVID helped.

My almost 16 yr old boy is much the same. Super smart and nice kid and not at all off putting or annoying but I think he just isn’t quite like most kids his age. He had a small but good group of friends through middle school but Covid hit in 8th grade and it’s just been weird since then and he doesn’t really seem to be finding his people in his big HS. Fortunately, he’s a pretty happy kid who claims to be fine and gets annoyed at my attempts to push him to be more social.

I have to say I think smaller might be better for college. I feel like he needs to be in situations where he sees the same people a lot whereas at big schools you can meet someone and never see them again.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, I wonder if this is a boy thing? I have an 8th grade daughter who regularly sees friends over the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, I wonder if this is a boy thing? I have an 8th grade daughter who regularly sees friends over the weekend.

No, this is not just a boy thing.

[Anonymous]

I think I scanned through all the comments, and I never saw where OP answered what to me is the most important question: Is OP's SON as upset about this as she is? Is he unhappy about it, is he distressed about it?

[Anonymous]

13 is not the time to be concerned about this OP. My gut says in a year or two, your son will be more social and seeking more peers in his off time. Unless he’s complaining, enjoy your time with him and do things as a family. Let him chill out and hang at home. Don’t project your own insecurities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, I wonder if this is a boy thing? I have an 8th grade daughter who regularly sees friends over the weekend.

No, this is not just a boy thing.

Definitely not. I have two girls, 13 and 15. They never see friends outside of school. But they have each other so it’s different, they aren’t lonely.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to all those sharing that their teen is often home on weekends too. Friendly kids who engage with others at school or activities, but not major social connections. Appreciate people sharing their experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staring down a long, lonely weekend for my 13 year old DS. There are two sports practices over the weekend so he will have some social interaction but even his long-time sport has not led to outside friendships. He has what adults might call "acquaintances" at school who he eats lunch with (or so he tells me) but no one who has translated into a friend to do things with outside of school. He used to have tons of friends in elementary and now has basically none. He is a friendly, upbeat kid but also marches to the beat of his own drum. I am totally at a loss as to why he is in this situation. I mean I see all kinds of groups of kids at his school and I just find it so hard to believe that he cannot find his group. I keep encouraging him to invite kids to do things but he is reluctant. I think his reluctance is based on how he used to invite kids to do things but he was rejected by some kids and others never reciprocated so he has stopped. We do plenty of activities as a family, so it is not that he is actually sitting around, but it just really, really sucks. When my own friends go on and on about how their kids are so busy, and have all these social obligations, I just feel sad. I try very hard not to make my DS feel bad about his situation, but I can only encourage him to reach out so much before I need to back off. Thanks for listening. Just kind of sad this afternoon.

Here’s some hope for you- DD had friends and a busy social, normal social life in ES. Nothing in middle school. Did not see friends ever outside school and did not seem to want to. Just had acquaintances- had people to sit with at lunch but nothing ever translated to seeing friends on the weekend. She found her people in HS. Is now happy and social in college.MS socializing is so gross and stupid and toxic- be grateful your kid is a little removed from it.

DS is super social and has plenty of friends in MS- also does not want to see them over the weekends. He will be fine

I really think MS sucks at some deep terrible level that some kids just need a break from it. Your kid will find their people and it’ll be ok. Trust your kid.

[Anonymous]

PP here- agree with the Poster who said have your kid’s back and NEVER make them feel bad for wanting to stay home. It’s their safe space. Please don’t telegraph your sadness to your kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staring down a long, lonely weekend for my 13 year old DS. There are two sports practices over the weekend so he will have some social interaction but even his long-time sport has not led to outside friendships. He has what adults might call "acquaintances" at school who he eats lunch with (or so he tells me) but no one who has translated into a friend to do things with outside of school. He used to have tons of friends in elementary and now has basically none. He is a friendly, upbeat kid but also marches to the beat of his own drum. I am totally at a loss as to why he is in this situation. I mean I see all kinds of groups of kids at his school and I just find it so hard to believe that he cannot find his group. I keep encouraging him to invite kids to do things but he is reluctant. I think his reluctance is based on how he used to invite kids to do things but he was rejected by some kids and others never reciprocated so he has stopped. We do plenty of activities as a family, so it is not that he is actually sitting around, but it just really, really sucks. When my own friends go on and on about how their kids are so busy, and have all these social obligations, I just feel sad. I try very hard not to make my DS feel bad about his situation, but I can only encourage him to reach out so much before I need to back off. Thanks for listening. Just kind of sad this afternoon.

So sorry. Get him invoked in a few activities or groups at school ASAP. There are clubs he can join. What about a religious group at school or one of the volunteer groups? Don’t push him. He knows his limitations currently which is why he is not asking. He will find his people but needs to get involved with several different things to be able to find his people. Not over scheduled but places where they can meet and get to know one another better.