Sigh. Another lonely weekend for my teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am OP of this thread. DS is now 16 and still same problems. Sometimes it doesn't get better...

Is he still active with the sports teams? Does he have friends within that context?
I'm the one who commented I could have written your original post.
My older kid is a son now in college and slowly "stepping out."
My younger one is a daughter now a high school senior. She still doesn't do anything social outside of school. I can count on one hand the number of times she has gotten together with someone outside of school to just hang out or go do something. It always depend on your schedule, but she has people to eat lunch with every other day (block schedule) but eats alone on the other days. She is a leader in her one extracurricular activity, and she has a limited # of "friends" in classes. She doesn't seem to be bothered by not doing more outside of school, as she really likes her down time and spends it mostly in her room doing schoolwork, reading, listening to music. And she's looking to participate in marching band at least her first year at college mainly to meet people. She's determined a mid-sized school would be best so she doesn't feel even more alone at a really small school if she doesn't find her people there. I am hopeful that her being away on her own at college will help spur her social skills and she'll develop some real friendships. My sister did not enjoy a particularly social high school experience; but she blossomed in college. I had a large social group in high school that I've stayed in touch with; but struggled to find my niche in college and have not been in contact from anyone (except a high school friend) from college at all.
Main concern is how your son feels about it right now. That's more important than whether he has a busy social life for now.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. DC still very active on sports team - on a varsity team and well integrated into the team - based on my observation of the sidelines at games but still struggles to find kids to eat with at lunch and doesn't do things on weekends IRL. He does now have 1-2 kids he will sporadically play video games with on weekends, so that is an "improvement." And he is certainly busy with sports practices but he never has actual social events to go to. No homecoming, no football games etc. I have absolutely hit a brick wall when I gently suggest inviting others to do things. I think he got rejected too many times and just decided to stop initiating and no one initiates with him. But overall I think he is ok... He is still an upbeat kid and when he is home on weekends he is social with us, will ask us to watch movie or go grab food, etc. I am really just very sad for him that he won't have had a typical high school experience of having friends. That is something you never get back, and it's just sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. DC still very active on sports team - on a varsity team and well integrated into the team - based on my observation of the sidelines at games but still struggles to find kids to eat with at lunch and doesn't do things on weekends IRL. He does now have 1-2 kids he will sporadically play video games with on weekends, so that is an "improvement." And he is certainly busy with sports practices but he never has actual social events to go to. No homecoming, no football games etc. I have absolutely hit a brick wall when I gently suggest inviting others to do things. I think he got rejected too many times and just decided to stop initiating and no one initiates with him. But overall I think he is ok... He is still an upbeat kid and when he is home on weekends he is social with us, will ask us to watch movie or go grab food, etc. I am really just very sad for him that he won't have had a typical high school experience of having friends. That is something you never get back, and it's just sad.

A lot of kids don’t have that high school experience that reads like a Hallmark movie. I hated high school. I loved college.

We moved when my son was going into high school. He had a very close friend K-8 and had a hard time at his new school. His social skills are poor. He does better with girls and adults but he always wanted a group of boys to hang around.

We are very close and I brought him with me to different activities or just plain errands. I couldn’t stand the idea of him being alone all weekend. It didn’t help that his sister was popular. I remember once I had to bring her to a Friday bowling party. I brought him because it was public and we bowled and then he went off to play games.

Luckily we had family close by so he’d hang out with his cousin who was equally awkward. I signed him up for acting which he liked. He liked the kids in the program but never saw them outside of class. He played video games which he loved. He loves music and knows everything about it so he reads a lot on the subject and listens to music. He’s gone to concerts, once with his cousin.

I found accepting him as he is helps. Instead of focusing on the sad think about what you can do to help out (easier said than done). He understands that he has anxiety in crowds and prefers to alone about half the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, all in activities, a dog that needs walking, chores, homework, church and family time. To say nothing of scheduled events like birthday parties, seeing relatives.

There’s no time for random hangouts most weekends. I’m happy if my eldest DD gets 2-4 of downtime to read a book or watch a movie.

She has plenty of time to see her friends in school or her activities.

Why, as a family, are your weekends so long and boring?

Besides the church I agree. There’s not a whole lot of time to be lonely if parents are in charge and make sure everyone does what they need to do. But teens still need occasional time to socialize and it’s tough to see your child having no one to call.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

I don't think we're dismissing it. It's just that I really feel like most kids are not hanging out these weekends. I know a lot of previously very social kids who don't have all sorts of weekend plans.

Where would they be hanging out and what would they be doing? These kids aren’t even old enough to drive yet?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with OP's son (the world is vast and full of people with different preferences) but I'm confused by how shocked you are by the idea of teens hanging out on the weekend. They'd hang out on porches, or in backyards. My teen kicks a soccer ball back and forth with her friends and talks, or bikes to the park and talks, or walks to the bakery and talks. Where do you live that you can't imagine kids just....hanging out together?

Do you even have a teen? This sounds like something people who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s did.

+1. Like a John Hughes movie fantasy of teen social life.

My 13-year-old is on the go a lot on the weekends. They either hang at someone's house or go to the mall, downtown Bethesda, or Georgetown. She is a go-go-go type kid, and I wish she'd chill at home a bit more.

yes. At 13 my kids started walking to (or asking for rides to) each others' friends homes, meeting at Starbucks or CVS, meeting in downdown Bethesda or Georgetown, going to movies, etc.

Where do you live that your kids don't do this? Every kid I know does--I'm not being snarky. Genuinely curious. Do your kids not go to other kid's homes? Do they not ask for a ride to Georgetown?

Who are you talking to? This is about a teen who doesn’t have a social life outside of school and it makes his mother sad. And there are plenty of kids who don’t hang out at the mall or downtown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. DC still very active on sports team - on a varsity team and well integrated into the team - based on my observation of the sidelines at games but still struggles to find kids to eat with at lunch and doesn't do things on weekends IRL. He does now have 1-2 kids he will sporadically play video games with on weekends, so that is an "improvement." And he is certainly busy with sports practices but he never has actual social events to go to. No homecoming, no football games etc. I have absolutely hit a brick wall when I gently suggest inviting others to do things. I think he got rejected too many times and just decided to stop initiating and no one initiates with him. But overall I think he is ok... He is still an upbeat kid and when he is home on weekends he is social with us, will ask us to watch movie or go grab food, etc. I am really just very sad for him that he won't have had a typical high school experience of having friends. That is something you never get back, and it's just sad.

I read this and think this sounds very positive. He is upbeat, on a varsity team, and still likes doing things with you. I am envious!!

[Anonymous]

I think friendships are very different today than they were in our time. My son has a lot of virtual friends plus ones on sports and in school. They don't hang out after school except online.

[Anonymous]

Aww I’m sorry to hear that OP but I will say - this was my high school experience - I didn’t have a group, didn’t go to any dances or any school event really unless I was there as a yearbook member to document. I did have a best friend, and we hung out but not all the time. I went to college and my life completely changed, dozens of friends, a huge friend group and constant plans. Tons of fun but my grades suffered. lol. I think in high school I just couldn’t figure out how to be social and navigate all the different “factions” maybe your son is the same. If he’s well liked and not being bullied/actively excluded I feel like his time will come.

My 16 year old had a sudden landing into the popular group in high school last year , and frankly it’s been kind of a nightmare to have a kid who is 16 going on 22 with constant access to trouble, and I’d be careful what you wish for, some of you…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid who would love to be busy all weekend socially but seems to have friends whose parents are either weird about covid or who aren’t as social as her so her plans are more sporadic. And I have one kid who would love nothing more than to sit around chilling on her phone/Netflix after a long week of school but has friends constantly bugging her to do stuff, and all of them have parents who allowed sleepovers at our house since mid April 2020.

My kids do usually have social plans once a week at minimum, but all of their friends live in the neighborhood.

It was a weird year and a half. Lots of friendships faded away. I get the feeling lots of kids are alone.

The problem with group activities like sports is that large group dynamics don’t lend themselves to deepened friendships with more socially shy kids. The socially adept ones tend to dominate. I’d suggest 2 things:

1. Clubs that tend to attract your less typical kids

2. Do any of your friends have kids this age? Within 2 years? I became friends with quite a few of my kids friends parents over the years, but it would work just as well in reverse. If you don’t have any friends yourself, are you surprised he doesn’t either?

I think girls are different than guys in terms of socialness, honestly.

True. But I have one of each and both have zero social life outside of the school day or school activities.

Agree. I have two girls and neither of them have social lives outside of school.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post (and follow up post) word for word for my 14 year old son in 9th grade. I really can’t tell if he minds it or not. I worry it is insecurity of being rejected that he doesn’t have any friends beyond acquaintances which is what concerns me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aww I’m sorry to hear that OP but I will say - this was my high school experience - I didn’t have a group, didn’t go to any dances or any school event really unless I was there as a yearbook member to document. I did have a best friend, and we hung out but not all the time. I went to college and my life completely changed, dozens of friends, a huge friend group and constant plans. Tons of fun but my grades suffered. lol. I think in high school I just couldn’t figure out how to be social and navigate all the different “factions” maybe your son is the same. If he’s well liked and not being bullied/actively excluded I feel like his time will come.

My 16 year old had a sudden landing into the popular group in high school last year , and frankly it’s been kind of a nightmare to have a kid who is 16 going on 22 with constant access to trouble, and I’d be careful what you wish for, some of you…

I had the exact same experience, but no best friend. I had lots of acquaintances, but no one to sit with at lunch. Thankfully, I had other options besides the cafeteria to eat! I think it's perfectly fine. I had several good friends in college. My daughter is similar. She will occasionally go to the coffee shop with friends after school, but she rarely has weekend plans. She seems well adjusted and has a small friend group at school. I'm thankful she has some friends to eat with though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. DC still very active on sports team - on a varsity team and well integrated into the team - based on my observation of the sidelines at games but still struggles to find kids to eat with at lunch and doesn't do things on weekends IRL. He does now have 1-2 kids he will sporadically play video games with on weekends, so that is an "improvement." And he is certainly busy with sports practices but he never has actual social events to go to. No homecoming, no football games etc. I have absolutely hit a brick wall when I gently suggest inviting others to do things. I think he got rejected too many times and just decided to stop initiating and no one initiates with him. But overall I think he is ok... He is still an upbeat kid and when he is home on weekends he is social with us, will ask us to watch movie or go grab food, etc. I am really just very sad for him that he won't have had a typical high school experience of having friends. That is something you never get back, and it's just sad.

I get it OP but this is about you. Fortunately, he doesn't seem sad. He seems like a great kid who is doing what he likes with his time. He's also a kid who not only loves his family but likes his family which many posters will tell you is a real rarity among a lot of teens! It's really a blessing that he's still interested in doing social things with you. As others have pointed out being social looks different these days. You can still be a social kid while doing things online and at activities.

[Anonymous]

Does he want more or are you projecting your issues on to him? Why are others responsible for preventing your child's loneliness? We don't spend all our weekends with friends. Weekends are mostly family time with an occasional friend thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. DC still very active on sports team - on a varsity team and well integrated into the team - based on my observation of the sidelines at games but still struggles to find kids to eat with at lunch and doesn't do things on weekends IRL. He does now have 1-2 kids he will sporadically play video games with on weekends, so that is an "improvement." And he is certainly busy with sports practices but he never has actual social events to go to. No homecoming, no football games etc. I have absolutely hit a brick wall when I gently suggest inviting others to do things. I think he got rejected too many times and just decided to stop initiating and no one initiates with him. But overall I think he is ok... He is still an upbeat kid and when he is home on weekends he is social with us, will ask us to watch movie or go grab food, etc. I am really just very sad for him that he won't have had a typical high school experience of having friends. That is something you never get back, and it's just sad.

I know EXACTLY what you're experiencing. My son fits that profile exactly, minus the sports team. Senior year was a significant improvement within the school setting, according to his school counselors and teachers. They noted his growth (in maturity), his having a group at lunch, smiling, laughing. Still never translated to anything outside of school.
As long as he isn't depressed and suffering from mental health issues, hang in there and keep engaging him within the family. He will likely find his place eventually, perhaps in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he want more or are you projecting your issues on to him? Why are others responsible for preventing your child's loneliness? We don't spend all our weekends with friends. Weekends are mostly family time with an occasional friend thing.

OP never suggested that. This sounds like a comment that would come from someone who's a bit sensitive about their lack of focus beyond themselves and their own, failing/not wanting to reach out to someone else because they don't need to.