Sigh. Another lonely weekend for my teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

I don't think we're dismissing it. It's just that I really feel like most kids are not hanging out these weekends. I know a lot of previously very social kids who don't have all sorts of weekend plans.

Where would they be hanging out and what would they be doing? These kids aren’t even old enough to drive yet?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with OP's son (the world is vast and full of people with different preferences) but I'm confused by how shocked you are by the idea of teens hanging out on the weekend. They'd hang out on porches, or in backyards. My teen kicks a soccer ball back and forth with her friends and talks, or bikes to the park and talks, or walks to the bakery and talks. Where do you live that you can't imagine kids just....hanging out together?

Do you even have a teen? This sounds like something people who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s did.

And we were a lot less busy with EC activities back then than teens are today.

Personally, I think that's the way kids should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? You need to calm down. This is extremely common for 13-year-old boys. You’re gonna project your insecurity on him and that’s gonna be worse.

+1

Stop projecting, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait my popular 13 year old boy has no plans and we don’t think twice. He has his sport and that is it. We are still in Covid time so every now and again he is out with classmates who are vaccinated. He does do a lot of chats and video games with friends. Your son may be doing the same.

Posters like this do not get it. OP said her kid never plays video games, text chats or goes out with peers. There is a big difference between that and what you describe.

+1 The PP's 13 year old son sounds socially secure. He has friends he can chat, play with, or get together with. For a kid like OP's son who doesn't have that, a weekend with no plans doesn't feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: When I say no friends, I mean no friends. No one to play video games with on weekends, no friends to invite to a pizza party (neighborhood kids exclude him). I agree that it is important that I don’t make him feel bad about it. But I know he has tried to reach out to kids to play video games with or meet up with. It’s just hard to understand why he is in this situation given that he is a pretty friendly, nice kid. He dresses well enough, sporty, funny. There are so many different groups of kids at his school but he hasn’t found anyone.

This could have been my dc. Almost exactly how I would describe him except mine was diagnosed adhd at about 5. Very nice and very friendly but lacking social skills. When younger it was ok because he was the silly, goofy one but by ms and HS it really impacted his social opportunities. Not because any less nice or friendly but he did things like talk over everyone constantly, re-tell joke the other friend just told to get the laugh, not good at any activity so hard to be part of a team or game, and other small things that simply added up.

He did have two neighborhood friends though as he had known them since pre- school and they continued to include him a bit and tolerated him in small doses as very nice boys. He ended up with one or two “ friends” at school to have lunch with but no real friendships. He also had “ friends” he knew from school who played video games with him but did not socialize with him in real life.

He met girlfriend in college, joined a small, quirky fraternity and will graduate soon. He seems happy to us. He will mention casually that kids were mean to him in HS but at the time he seemed happy enough because we did ask if a change would be good at one point and he said no.

It was really hard to watch and broke my heart at times but, on the other side of it now, he is doing pretty great for who he is. And again, seems happy with his life. He was/is just so different than my dh and I as a child and now as an adult so things I naturally thought would come never did. I’ve learned a lot about myself and the world.

[Anonymous]

Are you kidding me? You need to calm down. This is extremely common for 13-year-old boys.

Not OP, but this makes me feel better. My son is 12, almost 13 (in 7th) and has had a tough time making new friends in middle school that he sees outside of school. He does have kids that he considers friends that he eats with, but they live driving vs. walking distance away, and he refuses to ask for their numbers to try to meet up outside of school. He has two friends from elementary that he sees on weekends, but if those kids are not around, outside of soccer games, he plays video games alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I completely get your angst. My DS (now 17) was the same for several years. Rarely had plans, did not text with friends or play video games online. I was worried for a while and then realized that he was actually very content and comfortable with who he was and that I was projecting based on my own need to spend time with friends. Fast forward a few years and he is now starting to socialize a little more, still not as much as other kids, but much more than at 13. Totally different for my younger kid who has always had a group of friends so I completely understand what you are seeing other kids doing. Please try not to worry to much unless your son is actually telling you this bothers him. In that case, some PPs have given some helpful suggestions. Keep in mind that 13 is is a weird age where friendships transition significantly. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

I don't think we're dismissing it. It's just that I really feel like most kids are not hanging out these weekends. I know a lot of previously very social kids who don't have all sorts of weekend plans.

Where would they be hanging out and what would they be doing? These kids aren’t even old enough to drive yet?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with OP's son (the world is vast and full of people with different preferences) but I'm confused by how shocked you are by the idea of teens hanging out on the weekend. They'd hang out on porches, or in backyards. My teen kicks a soccer ball back and forth with her friends and talks, or bikes to the park and talks, or walks to the bakery and talks. Where do you live that you can't imagine kids just....hanging out together?

Do you even have a teen? This sounds like something people who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s did.

DP and I said my son rarely makes social plans on the weekend. But when he does it’s biking to Chipotle where they eat and then sit on their phones together for a couple hours before biking home. That’s not much different than what this poster is describing. Sitting and talking on phones means staring at their phones while next to each other and talking, I’m betting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 17 year old and he is still the same. He is a very sweet kid with lots of interests including sports, politics, etc but I think he finds it hard to take friendships to a closer level. He also was very slow to join social media, in fact still does little with it, and I think that is a lot of how kids bonded, particularly in late middle school.

On one hand I do think my son has learned to enjoy his own company, which is great. On the other hand, I think he is often lonely (he is also an only child) and I think it is developmentally appropriate for teens to socialize with each other so find it a little concerning he is missing out on that.

It has given us food for thought as we discuss colleges (son is applying now). Some people have advised that son might more easily find friends at a smaller college, but I actually think he could feel more left out there as not being part of a group would be more noticeable (it is not like my son’s personality will magically change when he goes to college, and all of a sudden find it easy to make lots of friends). So I am encouraging him to apply to some larger colleges, and crossing my fingers he finds a few good friends at that stage of life.

My 16 year old is much the same. He’s good on his own generally, does a lot of school and out side of school activities and has a ton of homework and all. Seems perfectly sociable when I see him with other kids but he’s not hanging out with friends over the weekend or evenings. Also says he wants time to just do nothing after 10 hour school days. Do not think COVID helped.

[Anonymous]

My kid mostly sees her friends during the week with the one off birthday party or gathering here and there. But she is mostly at home and doesn't seem bored. She's texting or playing games online. Keep in mind that COVID disrupted a lot of what was perceived normal and some kids are comfortable keeping it that way. Things kind of pick up in high school when kids have more independence. But I would not stress about this unless your SON is sad about it - not just because YOU are sad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid who would love to be busy all weekend socially but seems to have friends whose parents are either weird about covid or who aren’t as social as her so her plans are more sporadic. And I hto sit around chilling on her phone/Netflix after a long week of school but has friends constantly bugging her to do stuff, and all of them have ave one kid who would love nothing more than parents who allowed sleepovers at our house since mid April 2020.

My kids do usually have social plans once a week at minimum, but all of their friends live in the neighborhood.

It was a weird year and a half. Lots of friendships faded away. I get the feeling lots of kids are alone.

The problem with group activities like sports is that large group dynamics don’t lend themselves to deepened friendships with more socially shy kids. The socially adept ones tend to dominate. I’d suggest 2 things:

1. Clubs that tend to attract your less typical kids

2. Do any of your friends have kids this age? Within 2 years? I became friends with quite a few of my kids friends parents over the years, but it would work just as well in reverse. If you don’t have any friends yourself, are you surprised he doesn’t either?

Umm, April 2020 - just one month after the pandemic started - was way too early to have sleepovers. I would gauge that you thinking other parents are "weird about COVID" is them being normally precautious. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

My son got completely cancelled during COVID. In 8th grade. It really sucked. I was his friend. I took him hiking and biking and surfing at the beach. I took him skiing in the winter with my nephew to hang out with.

He started a new high school this year with no friends, and I was really nervous. He made a bunch of them fast, and has a really nice girlfriend too (first one). I think middle school can be really socially difficult. I'd just keep trying some different activities, to provide structure to his weekends, if nothing more. And hope that with enough variety in social groups, something will click. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you expect to see him doing? My kid plays sports on the weekends, but otherwise meets up with friends through online games like Fortnite.

Same with my 13 yr old daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? You need to calm down. This is extremely common for 13-year-old boys. You’re gonna project your insecurity on him and that’s gonna be worse.

Yes exactly

[Anonymous]

There are no kids in the neighborhood. My DC was the youngest of all when we moved into the neighborhood. Everyone was older (by 5-10 years) and they have now fledged. He also goes to a magnet school that is an hour away. As a result, his socialization happens mostly at school, on the bus, and over online video games once at home. 2 - 4 hours of study, EC, home gym, video games, shower, TV, dinner and then sleep.

Rinse and repeat. Does he feel bad? Not really. For him school and being in the class room is important. He is very happy because he is in the magnet program where kids are as nerdy as him. He would have been very isolated in a regular class room. His interests are academic.

Weekends, there are some kids who will organize something - an EC, community outreach, game, dinner, movie, activity, biking, hiking. Since it is an open invitation, all the boys who want to join, show up. That is something he looks forward to. He has cousins and older siblings who are there to talk to him. We are a close knit and very functional family.

But, unfortunately, being alone and friendless is becoming more of a normal thing in the world. I was so happy when schools opened because at least there is some interaction with other kids at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you expect to see him doing? My kid plays sports on the weekends, but otherwise meets up with friends through online games like Fortnite.

Same with my 13 yr old daughter.

+1 for my 13 year old son