Sigh. Another lonely weekend for my teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staring down a long, lonely weekend for my 13 year old DS. There are two sports practices over the weekend so he will have some social interaction but even his long-time sport has not led to outside friendships. He has what adults might call "acquaintances" at school who he eats lunch with (or so he tells me) but no one who has translated into a friend to do things with outside of school. He used to have tons of friends in elementary and now has basically none. He is a friendly, upbeat kid but also marches to the beat of his own drum. I am totally at a loss as to why he is in this situation. I mean I see all kinds of groups of kids at his school and I just find it so hard to believe that he cannot find his group. I keep encouraging him to invite kids to do things but he is reluctant. I think his reluctance is based on how he used to invite kids to do things but he was rejected by some kids and others never reciprocated so he has stopped. We do plenty of activities as a family, so it is not that he is actually sitting around, but it just really, really sucks. When my own friends go on and on about how their kids are so busy, and have all these social obligations, I just feel sad. I try very hard not to make my DS feel bad about his situation, but I can only encourage him to reach out so much before I need to back off. Thanks for listening. Just kind of sad this afternoon.

So sorry. Get him invoked in a few activities or groups at school ASAP. There are clubs he can join. What about a religious group at school or one of the volunteer groups? Don’t push him. He knows his limitations currently which is why he is not asking. He will find his people but needs to get involved with several different things to be able to find his people. Not over scheduled but places where they can meet and get to know one another better.

I am pp and will add do not put pressure on him. Please keep up the family activities. He may be more of a home body and needs those family obligations and activities. Don’t make him feel badly he doesn’t have plans. Some kids are fine hanging joke as they are exhausted as teens and schools and sports are demanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staring down a long, lonely weekend for my 13 year old DS. There are two sports practices over the weekend so he will have some social interaction but even his long-time sport has not led to outside friendships. He has what adults might call "acquaintances" at school who he eats lunch with (or so he tells me) but no one who has translated into a friend to do things with outside of school. He used to have tons of friends in elementary and now has basically none. He is a friendly, upbeat kid but also marches to the beat of his own drum. I am totally at a loss as to why he is in this situation. I mean I see all kinds of groups of kids at his school and I just find it so hard to believe that he cannot find his group. I keep encouraging him to invite kids to do things but he is reluctant. I think his reluctance is based on how he used to invite kids to do things but he was rejected by some kids and others never reciprocated so he has stopped. We do plenty of activities as a family, so it is not that he is actually sitting around, but it just really, really sucks. When my own friends go on and on about how their kids are so busy, and have all these social obligations, I just feel sad. I try very hard not to make my DS feel bad about his situation, but I can only encourage him to reach out so much before I need to back off. Thanks for listening. Just kind of sad this afternoon.

So sorry. Get him invoked in a few activities or groups at school ASAP. There are clubs he can join. What about a religious group at school or one of the volunteer groups? Don’t push him. He knows his limitations currently which is why he is not asking. He will find his people but needs to get involved with several different things to be able to find his people. Not over scheduled but places where they can meet and get to know one another better.

I am pp and will add do not put pressure on him. Please keep up the family activities. He may be more of a home body and needs those family obligations and activities. Don’t make him feel badly he doesn’t have plans. Some kids are fine hanging joke as they are exhausted as teens and schools and sports are demanding.

You’re describing my kid. I was worried too. She’s a freshman in college and making friends. It will be ok. Make sure you don’t make it too big a deal, and do lots of family activities. Enjoy his company. Encourage extracurriculars.

[Anonymous]

Put him in a JROTC program, OP. They'll keep him busy. My son loves it. Plus, he gets community service hrs for some of the work they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

Exactly the same for my daughter. She has tried so many times to get into friend groups and is loosely part of one in school, yet never gets invited over to their houses. We’ve thrown parties at our house, organized group outings, study groups etc. And yet no one has the decency to reciprocate and invite her anywhere. She spends the weekends counting the months left with her class so that she can go to a new school next year. She is so lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he sad about this?

Impossible to tell.
Kids can be really good at covering up feelings like this.
I know I did.

I didn't have friends but lied to my mom that I was hanging out at the mall with Lara and Mara. I didn't have friends name Lara and Mara. I went to the mall by myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

I don't think we're dismissing it. It's just that I really feel like most kids are not hanging out these weekends. I know a lot of previously very social kids who don't have all sorts of weekend plans.

Where would they be hanging out and what would they be doing? These kids aren’t even old enough to drive yet?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with OP's son (the world is vast and full of people with different preferences) but I'm confused by how shocked you are by the idea of teens hanging out on the weekend. They'd hang out on porches, or in backyards. My teen kicks a soccer ball back and forth with her friends and talks, or bikes to the park and talks, or walks to the bakery and talks. Where do you live that you can't imagine kids just....hanging out together?

Do you even have a teen? This sounds like something people who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s did.

+1. Like a John Hughes movie fantasy of teen social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid who would love to be busy all weekend socially but seems to have friends whose parents are either weird about covid or who aren’t as social as her so her plans are more sporadic. And I hto sit around chilling on her phone/Netflix after a long week of school but has friends constantly bugging her to do stuff, and all of them have ave one kid who would love nothing more than parents who allowed sleepovers at our house since mid April 2020.

My kids do usually have social plans once a week at minimum, but all of their friends live in the neighborhood.

It was a weird year and a half. Lots of friendships faded away. I get the feeling lots of kids are alone.

The problem with group activities like sports is that large group dynamics don’t lend themselves to deepened friendships with more socially shy kids. The socially adept ones tend to dominate. I’d suggest 2 things:

1. Clubs that tend to attract your less typical kids

2. Do any of your friends have kids this age? Within 2 years? I became friends with quite a few of my kids friends parents over the years, but it would work just as well in reverse. If you don’t have any friends yourself, are you surprised he doesn’t either?

Umm, April 2020 - just one month after the pandemic started - was way too early to have sleepovers. I would gauge that you thinking other parents are "weird about COVID" is them being normally precautious. Grow up.

This.

[Anonymous]

School sports and activities are the obvious solution. Plays, music, clubs and teams. Every season has at least one no cut sport. Fall is over so look at winter sports. Typical winter no cut sports for girls; swim, indoor track, wrestling.

I added wrestling for girls as it is a growing sport for girls, and in particular if your daughter is small, there is lots of demand even in big wrestling schools for even very beginners. Wrestling weight classes in high school start at under 106, and the bottom 2 and even 3 classes can often go empty. If a team though shows up with a kid in the weight class - they can get a forfeit win worth 6 points. In a close match those points can easily be the difference. So even big school programs now really want small girls to fill those weights.

Crew is another sport where small girls are in big demand.

Theater is also a program that happily takes every kid. You can have two left feet and can’t sing a lick, and stage crew will want you. A kid who can follow cues from back stage is a real help. Can you sew or do make up? Need those kids desperately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

I don't think we're dismissing it. It's just that I really feel like most kids are not hanging out these weekends. I know a lot of previously very social kids who don't have all sorts of weekend plans.

Where would they be hanging out and what would they be doing? These kids aren’t even old enough to drive yet?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with OP's son (the world is vast and full of people with different preferences) but I'm confused by how shocked you are by the idea of teens hanging out on the weekend. They'd hang out on porches, or in backyards. My teen kicks a soccer ball back and forth with her friends and talks, or bikes to the park and talks, or walks to the bakery and talks. Where do you live that you can't imagine kids just....hanging out together?

Do you even have a teen? This sounds like something people who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s did.

+1. Like a John Hughes movie fantasy of teen social life.

I'm the PP above and I guess I'm just confused. My teen in a touch older than OP's and does all of the above, as do the kids in our neighbhorhood. The girls tend to hang out on porches or kick soccer balls. The boys tend to walk to the basketball courts.

There's a bubble tea place that is really popular with the pre-driving teen set, and sometimes they walk or bike over there.

I'm wondering if this just a neighborhood/expectation difference. I live in a solidly middle class neighborhood so it is possible the teens are less heavily programmed. The kids have school, and then a sport or another hobby, but they are free a couple days a week and then usually one weekend day. They are good about finding a time when Larla is back from soccer but Larlo hasn't left for orchestra or whatever.

Anyways, maybe I'll regret letting them hang out on the porch swing when the Masters of the Universe above are running the show and my kids are working at McDonalds, but I tend to think some free time is good for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

I don't think we're dismissing it. It's just that I really feel like most kids are not hanging out these weekends. I know a lot of previously very social kids who don't have all sorts of weekend plans.

Where would they be hanging out and what would they be doing? These kids aren’t even old enough to drive yet?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with OP's son (the world is vast and full of people with different preferences) but I'm confused by how shocked you are by the idea of teens hanging out on the weekend. They'd hang out on porches, or in backyards. My teen kicks a soccer ball back and forth with her friends and talks, or bikes to the park and talks, or walks to the bakery and talks. Where do you live that you can't imagine kids just....hanging out together?

Do you even have a teen? This sounds like something people who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s did.

+1. Like a John Hughes movie fantasy of teen social life.

I'm the PP above and I guess I'm just confused. My teen in a touch older than OP's and does all of the above, as do the kids in our neighbhorhood. The girls tend to hang out on porches or kick soccer balls. The boys tend to walk to the basketball courts.

There's a bubble tea place that is really popular with the pre-driving teen set, and sometimes they walk or bike over there.

I'm wondering if this just a neighborhood/expectation difference. I live in a solidly middle class neighborhood so it is possible the teens are less heavily programmed. The kids have school, and then a sport or another hobby, but they are free a couple days a week and then usually one weekend day. They are good about finding a time when Larla is back from soccer but Larlo hasn't left for orchestra or whatever.

Anyways, maybe I'll regret letting them hang out on the porch swing when the Masters of the Universe above are running the show and my kids are working at McDonalds, but I tend to think some free time is good for them.

We live in a middle class neighborhood (think teachers and police officers) and the kids here do hang out in person. They play basketball or get treats at the closest grocery store/ice cream place. They also play online a lot, but definitely do things together at least for a couple of hours on weekends.

I have a teen who does this and a younger tween who has no friends at all (no contact in person or online outside of school). Sorry OP, it’s hard to witness as a parent.

[Anonymous]

OP here again: My son does not share that he is actively upset, but I know it hurts that he has asked plenty of kids to get together, play video games online, etc. and no one says yes, or they say yes the first time and it never goes anywhere. A lot of posters in this thread have noted that their kids socialize "only" by playing games online or texting or going to the basketball courts, etc. I know you mean well, but I am saying my son does not have anyone to do these things with and is rejected by other kids when he tries to initiate/join those activities.

I think this thread separated into two categories of feedback: (1) those saying that their kids socialize through a lot of online gaming and sports activities but do not do much other than that and (2) those saying their kids have tried everything in (1) and have not been able to find their group so do none of those things in (1). My son falls in category (2). Those whose kids are in category (1) probably have not had to deal with what it is like to have your kids try to so hard but not find their group.

I do hope it will help to just naturally give it time for him to mature socially and participate in sports in HS next year.

The good thing is that my DS is a great kid and we do many fun family activities. But I know from his actions that he wants friends to do things with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again: My son does not share that he is actively upset, but I know it hurts that he has asked plenty of kids to get together, play video games online, etc. and no one says yes, or they say yes the first time and it never goes anywhere. A lot of posters in this thread have noted that their kids socialize "only" by playing games online or texting or going to the basketball courts, etc. I know you mean well, but I am saying my son does not have anyone to do these things with and is rejected by other kids when he tries to initiate/join those activities.

I think this thread separated into two categories of feedback: (1) those saying that their kids socialize through a lot of online gaming and sports activities but do not do much other than that and (2) those saying their kids have tried everything in (1) and have not been able to find their group so do none of those things in (1). My son falls in category (2). Those whose kids are in category (1) probably have not had to deal with what it is like to have your kids try to so hard but not find their group.

I do hope it will help to just naturally give it time for him to mature socially and participate in sports in HS next year.

The good thing is that my DS is a great kid and we do many fun family activities. But I know from his actions that he wants friends to do things with.

OP, I'm so sorry. When you see him interact with peers at sports practices, what do you observe? I have similar worries about my kid, but when I watch him at school events/sports activities, he's clearly at ease and smiling with friends so I'm putting him into your category 1 for now, but I'm keeping an eye on it. Sounds like you are doing a great job supporting your kid. I have an observation and two suggestions.

First, the teen years before they are driving are a weird no-mans land. They can't really make their own plans that require transportation entirely independently (if you live in the burbs) but they are too old for parents to make plans for them. Once he drives, he can get a job, go to the gym, go get coffee etc., which will give him more interaction in the world than he has now even if it's not with "friends." As for suggestions, I would consider therapy just to get him another source of support/input. You might sell it as "I know you want to forge closer relationships with your peers. I'm no expert on this, but there are experts, so lets go talk to one. Finally, during virtual school, I had my teen working out with a personal trainer. That 1-to-1 interaction with a sort of cool adult who is not your parent provided another source of interaction that was helpful my kid's confidence. Building muscles/fitness helps too!

[Anonymous]

My 14 yo DD struggles with friendships. she is socially immature and I cringe sometimes when I observe her interactions with peers.
what I did: had her find a job over the summer that allowed her to work weekends now that she is in school. she didn't make friends because it was an older crowd, but it kept her busy and she enjoys it. ( restaurant)
Had her join a church youth group. She isn't entirely clicking with the girls, but they aren't mean and I am noticing some very subtle changes in her which makes me think she is picking up some of the other girls more age appropriate mannerisms. She is also on the church volleyball team so she has things to do many weekends. It isn't a very competitive league and most of the kids aren't that good but they have fun.
Had her join an activity at school. She is not athletic, but is doing a sport and a lunch extracurricular. She is friendly with the kids, but still no closer friendships. I am ok with that. I think the more she is exposed to a variety a kids, she will start mimicking some of their behaviors and learn what others are interested in. she seems so much happier being busy and having kids to spend time with, even though it hasn't yet produced a close friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13 is not the time to be concerned about this OP. My gut says in a year or two, your son will be more social and seeking more peers in his off time. Unless he’s complaining, enjoy your time with him and do things as a family. Let him chill out and hang at home. Don’t project your own insecurities.

What if he is as upset as the OP but keeps those feelings hidden? Then what?

Go.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again: My son does not share that he is actively upset, but I know it hurts that he has asked plenty of kids to get together, play video games online, etc. and no one says yes, or they say yes the first time and it never goes anywhere. A lot of posters in this thread have noted that their kids socialize "only" by playing games online or texting or going to the basketball courts, etc. I know you mean well, but I am saying my son does not have anyone to do these things with and is rejected by other kids when he tries to initiate/join those activities.

I think this thread separated into two categories of feedback: (1) those saying that their kids socialize through a lot of online gaming and sports activities but do not do much other than that and (2) those saying their kids have tried everything in (1) and have not been able to find their group so do none of those things in (1). My son falls in category (2). Those whose kids are in category (1) probably have not had to deal with what it is like to have your kids try to so hard but not find their group.

I do hope it will help to just naturally give it time for him to mature socially and participate in sports in HS next year.

The good thing is that my DS is a great kid and we do many fun family activities. But I know from his actions that he wants friends to do things with.

OP, I'm so sorry. When you see him interact with peers at sports practices, what do you observe? I have similar worries about my kid, but when I watch him at school events/sports activities, he's clearly at ease and smiling with friends so I'm putting him into your category 1 for now, but I'm keeping an eye on it. Sounds like you are doing a great job supporting your kid. I have an observation and two suggestions.

First, the teen years before they are driving are a weird no-mans land. They can't really make their own plans that require transportation entirely independently (if you live in the burbs) but they are too old for parents to make plans for them. Once he drives, he can get a job, go to the gym, go get coffee etc., which will give him more interaction in the world than he has now even if it's not with "friends." As for suggestions, I would consider therapy just to get him another source of support/input. You might sell it as "I know you want to forge closer relationships with your peers. I'm no expert on this, but there are experts, so lets go talk to one. Finally, during virtual school, I had my teen working out with a personal trainer. That 1-to-1 interaction with a sort of cool adult who is not your parent provided another source of interaction that was helpful my kid's confidence. Building muscles/fitness helps too!

This is great advice! I experienced this too with my (now 18 year old) son when he was this age. Once they have more autonomy (e.g., driving, the ability to have a part-time job, etc.) things can really change. My son had a tough time when we didn't live in a "neighborhood" (we're on the more rural outskirts of our school district) and in middle school, the kids seemed to run in packs based on where they lived. Because they didn't have to have mom drive them to someone else's house, arrange pick-up times, etc. They just ran from house to house. My DS couldn't really be a part of that.

Working out at the gym with a trainer is an idea. That has been a great thing for several of the men in my family when they were younger. Helps build self-esteem, focus their energy, get out of the house away from Mom and Dad. Good luck, OP. Middle school honestly earns it's reputation of being the worst.