Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this board does skew toward introverts.

Maybe it's tiring for YOU to meet at night, but think about what your friend needs. Maybe it's convenient for THEM and they need it. Friendship is about compromise.

Sure - as long as the friend who wants to go out compromises for a lunch date every so often too. That’s compromise.

[Anonymous]

My husband is mentally ill and cannot handle giving dinner and bath. I don't want to tell you this because I think you will stick Matthias our family. I always ask if you could hang out after the kid falls asleep, because my husband can watch him then. But you say you have to go to bed early!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

I do understand that for what it’s worth. I accept that I can’t be all things to all people. I can’t always go out. I work, I’m tired, I have 3 kids. I can’t go out enough for some people - and that’s fine. I hope they find other friends who want to go out as much. I understand theyll naturally become closer. Tonight my friend invited my whole family & our other friend’s whole family over for dinner. We all have 3 kids and we will hang from 6:30-8:30. I will naturally end up being closer to those people and that’s fine. I think that’s part of growing up. Im not mad. I’ve just accepted who I am.

+1. Some people enjoy going out a few nights a month but there are people who just don’t enjoy this and have friends who prefer to go hiking on weekends, out to brunch, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this board does skew toward introverts.

Maybe it's tiring for YOU to meet at night, but think about what your friend needs. Maybe it's convenient for THEM and they need it. Friendship is about compromise.

I just posted, and that may be true, but it’s important for people to learn how to get their needs met. If you’re an extrovert who has high social needs, it’s on you to meet them, not a specific introvert friend. There were a few friends who I would go out of my way to see or to combine errands, e.g., haircut in the city and late dinner with my BigLaw pal, but if someone demanded regularly that I meet their needs while I was in the thick of work and little kids, we’d no longer be friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

You sound charming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s probably a big hassle. Also, many husbands are bad and not real partners in parenting.

Dinner bath, bed and cleaning up is crazy time at my house. I could leave my husband to do it all though. I seldom do because it’s easier and there are less tears if we follow our normal schedule, it’s dedicated time with my kids, I have to do prep work to set things up for DH if I do go out, and I’m tired after a long day of working/parenting. If I get away for the evening, I usually want to do something with DH like a date night. I go out with friends at night a few times a year and did 1 girls weekend a year pre-pandemic. That’s about it. I prefer brunch.

WHY?! How do you women live like this?? Why does your husband need his wife (mommy) to set things up for him to complete a basic adult task?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s probably a big hassle. Also, many husbands are bad and not real partners in parenting.

Dinner bath, bed and cleaning up is crazy time at my house. I could leave my husband to do it all though. I seldom do because it’s easier and there are less tears if we follow our normal schedule, it’s dedicated time with my kids, I have to do prep work to set things up for DH if I do go out, and I’m tired after a long day of working/parenting. If I get away for the evening, I usually want to do something with DH like a date night. I go out with friends at night a few times a year and did 1 girls weekend a year pre-pandemic. That’s about it. I prefer brunch.

WHY?! How do you women live like this?? Why does your husband need his wife (mommy) to set things up for him to complete a basic adult task?!

Seriously: What on earth do you have to prep for your husband?

[Anonymous]

I have found that my friend who struggled with this generally had not great bedtime routines for their kids. It seemed like they were the families that struggled to get their kids to sleep and bedtime was an all hands on deck event every night. They were the friends who would always be complaining about having to lie down with their kids to get them to sleep or had their kids sleeping in their bed every night. It just seemed like bedtime was rough and having one parent out of the house made it way worse. It got a little better as people's kids got older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like women who call other moms "martyrs" because they won't do very specific social things - dinner out! girls night at the club! weekends in vegas! - are not all that different from frat guy who can't let the lifestyle go when they become husbands/fathers. There is more than one way to socialize and have a friendship. If you insist on doing an evening dinner, you're the one being inflexible and "clinging to a routine."

Found a martyr.

But if pp really just doesn’t enjoy late dinners, girls trips etc. wouldn’t she be martyring herself by doing these things that aren’t fun for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

You sound charming.

I’m sorry you have to face that reality that if a friend doesn’t want to meet you for your plans on your terms, it’s not necessarily because she has a bad husband or is an “overwhelmed” mother, or has have type of anxiety. Maybe—just maybe—She’s Just Not That Into You.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

You sound charming.

I’m sorry you have to face that reality that if a friend doesn’t want to meet you for your plans on your terms, it’s not necessarily because she has a bad husband or is an “overwhelmed” mother, or has have type of anxiety. Maybe—just maybe—She’s Just Not That Into You.

Oh dear. Then why are you perpetuating the facade of any friendship at all? If you have friends you will only meet for coffee...maybe just stop being friends? Sounds like you need to cut the cord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like women who call other moms "martyrs" because they won't do very specific social things - dinner out! girls night at the club! weekends in vegas! - are not all that different from frat guy who can't let the lifestyle go when they become husbands/fathers. There is more than one way to socialize and have a friendship. If you insist on doing an evening dinner, you're the one being inflexible and "clinging to a routine."

Found a martyr.

But if pp really just doesn’t enjoy late dinners, girls trips etc. wouldn’t she be martyring herself by doing these things that aren’t fun for her?

The martyrdom comes when you use your kids as an excuse. Just fess up that you'd rather stay home, don't blame your kids.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were young, I was extremely sleep deprived. Even after the infant years. Kids wake up early (5:30-6:00), having to work 8-10 hours, errands, cooking, laundry etc. By the time it was 7 pm I was pretty done. If it’s a birthday or another special occasion, I would make an effort, but going out at night every few weeks? It was just not realistic for me, if I wanted to function at work and at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree about not wanting to lose limited hours with my kids when they were babies/toddlers. In addition, when they were in bed and asleep, that was time my husband and I enjoyed together, just relaxing and talking. I preferred to be with my husband than to go out in the evening.

This post is going to sound judgy because it's typed and not spoken, but: Don't you ever get tired of only talking to your husband? What about talking to a friend?
I love my spouse but he cannot fulfill all of my social needs.

Honestly, I just really like being with my spouse. Also, he was active duty military when the kids were those ages and was gone for months at a time. So, we really treasure our time together.

And, yes, we both like being with each other much more than we like being with anyone else. We have other people in our lives, of course, but given limited time and resources, we’re going to pick time with each other over time with others pretty much every time we have that option.