Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

I have a standing once-every-other-week wine date with a few other close mom-friends. It's really essential for my sanity.

I leave even if the kids are fussy, the house is a mess, and DH has to cobble together takeout or mac and cheese, because I really need to prioritize that for myself.

I also want to show my kids that I'm more than a mom; I'm a human being with a social life and my own needs as well.

It's also fun for them to have 1:1 time with their dad who admittedly lets them watch TV while having dinner, which I do not.

My kids are young preschool and young elementary.

[Anonymous]

I think a distinction has to be made between posters who would like to go out but feel they can’t because of routines, money, unhelpful DH and people who simply don’t enjoy going out because it is not how they like to spend their time. It seems that some posters truly can’t believe there are women who don’t feel trapped and who aren’t martyrs but who prefer to socialize with friends during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a distinction has to be made between posters who would like to go out but feel they can’t because of routines, money, unhelpful DH and people who simply don’t enjoy going out because it is not how they like to spend their time. It seems that some posters truly can’t believe there are women who don’t feel trapped and who aren’t martyrs but who prefer to socialize with friends during the day.

Totally. I think some people just prefer to chill at home in the evenings. But it seems there are also women who can't seem to unpeel themselves from the household routine because their spouse is incompetent, lazy, a loaf, or they think their kids will somehow fuss and meltdown without them around for two hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a standing once-every-other-week wine date with a few other close mom-friends. It's really essential for my sanity.

I leave even if the kids are fussy, the house is a mess, and DH has to cobble together takeout or mac and cheese, because I really need to prioritize that for myself.

I also want to show my kids that I'm more than a mom; I'm a human being with a social life and my own needs as well.

It's also fun for them to have 1:1 time with their dad who admittedly lets them watch TV while having dinner, which I do not.

My kids are young preschool and young elementary.

I don’t think you were insinuating this but some other posters are and it’s silly to pretend that the only way to have an identity beyond ‘mom’ or a social life is to go out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

I do understand that for what it’s worth. I accept that I can’t be all things to all people. I can’t always go out. I work, I’m tired, I have 3 kids. I can’t go out enough for some people - and that’s fine. I hope they find other friends who want to go out as much. I understand theyll naturally become closer. Tonight my friend invited my whole family & our other friend’s whole family over for dinner. We all have 3 kids and we will hang from 6:30-8:30. I will naturally end up being closer to those people and that’s fine. I think that’s part of growing up. Im not mad. I’ve just accepted who I am.

+1. Some people enjoy going out a few nights a month but there are people who just don’t enjoy this and have friends who prefer to go hiking on weekends, out to brunch, etc.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me - if I’m already away from my kids for work, it’s hard to take even more time away otherwise.

I get that -- but once every few weeks?

I’m not sure how old your friends’ kids are. Of course it got easier as my kids got older. This is the infant & toddlers board, and yes, it was hard for me then. If they work and then are gone 6-10 they’re giving up most of their time with their child that day.

This. I do take a few hours to myself on the weekend, but I don’t like missing evenings during the week unless I really need to. I’m not trying to be a martyr but to be honest I like hanging out with my toddler and hearing about her day more than going to happy hour.

I guess I’m confused. Who says it has to be happy hour? I haven’t been to happy hour since before my kids were born. My friends and I go out to dinner at like 7:30 which is close to when the kids are going to bed anyway. I don’t really miss much time with my kids in that scenario. Why is it dinner at 6 or nothing?

I used happy hour as an example. OP asked about the hours from 6-10. My kid goes to bed around 8. As someone else noted, many people in this area are spread out so you need to factor in commute. To be honest, once 8 pm rolls around I’m wiped and want to decompress. Sometimes I need to work, but if not 8-10 is time I take to myself to read, workout, and catch up with my spouse. Would one night away from that kill me? No. But I’d much rather see my friends over lunch/brunch/a hike if their schedules allow. I don’t understand OP’s emphasis on weeknight activities when other times are so much easier for many parents. I’m saying this as someone whose DH does more childcare than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a distinction has to be made between posters who would like to go out but feel they can’t because of routines, money, unhelpful DH and people who simply don’t enjoy going out because it is not how they like to spend their time. It seems that some posters truly can’t believe there are women who don’t feel trapped and who aren’t martyrs but who prefer to socialize with friends during the day.

Totally. I think some people just prefer to chill at home in the evenings. But it seems there are also women who can't seem to unpeel themselves from the household routine because their spouse is incompetent, lazy, a loaf, or they think their kids will somehow fuss and meltdown without them around for two hours.

I have friends whose kids actually do meltdown and fuss for 3 hours when they go out at night. Their husbands call them constantly throughout the dinner about it. I would be so irritated if my spouse did that unless one of the kids was acting sick. Like handle it yourself, you’re an adult. We let men get away with being incompetent. If your kids are that hard to manage at night you need a better routine. I’m not talking about newborns… more like toddler and up. I have friends with 7 year olds who are a nightmare at bedtime due to years of letting the kids get away with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me - if I’m already away from my kids for work, it’s hard to take even more time away otherwise.

I get that -- but once every few weeks?

I’m not sure how old your friends’ kids are. Of course it got easier as my kids got older. This is the infant & toddlers board, and yes, it was hard for me then. If they work and then are gone 6-10 they’re giving up most of their time with their child that day.

This. I do take a few hours to myself on the weekend, but I don’t like missing evenings during the week unless I really need to. I’m not trying to be a martyr but to be honest I like hanging out with my toddler and hearing about her day more than going to happy hour.

I guess I’m confused. Who says it has to be happy hour? I haven’t been to happy hour since before my kids were born. My friends and I go out to dinner at like 7:30 which is close to when the kids are going to bed anyway. I don’t really miss much time with my kids in that scenario. Why is it dinner at 6 or nothing?

I used happy hour as an example. OP asked about the hours from 6-10. My kid goes to bed around 8. As someone else noted, many people in this area are spread out so you need to factor in commute. To be honest, once 8 pm rolls around I’m wiped and want to decompress. Sometimes I need to work, but if not 8-10 is time I take to myself to read, workout, and catch up with my spouse. Would one night away from that kill me? No. But I’d much rather see my friends over lunch/brunch/a hike if their schedules allow. I don’t understand OP’s emphasis on weeknight activities when other times are so much easier for many parents. I’m saying this as someone whose DH does more childcare than I do.

The original post only specified nights, not "week nights."

The catching up with spouse thing is interesting to me. I see my spouse every day. There's really not much to catch up on after maybe eight hours.
On the other hand, ducking out of work for lunch is tough for me. Brunch on a weekend conflicts with kids' sports schedules and their free time where we could do something as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a distinction has to be made between posters who would like to go out but feel they can’t because of routines, money, unhelpful DH and people who simply don’t enjoy going out because it is not how they like to spend their time. It seems that some posters truly can’t believe there are women who don’t feel trapped and who aren’t martyrs but who prefer to socialize with friends during the day.

Totally. I think some people just prefer to chill at home in the evenings. But it seems there are also women who can't seem to unpeel themselves from the household routine because their spouse is incompetent, lazy, a loaf, or they think their kids will somehow fuss and meltdown without them around for two hours.

I have friends whose kids actually do meltdown and fuss for 3 hours when they go out at night. Their husbands call them constantly throughout the dinner about it. I would be so irritated if my spouse did that unless one of the kids was acting sick. Like handle it yourself, you’re an adult. We let men get away with being incompetent. If your kids are that hard to manage at night you need a better routine. I’m not talking about newborns… more like toddler and up. I have friends with 7 year olds who are a nightmare at bedtime due to years of letting the kids get away with it.

+10000, and the parents enable it. If you expect a meltdown, you will get a meltdown. Set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s probably a big hassle. Also, many husbands are bad and not real partners in parenting.

Dinner bath, bed and cleaning up is crazy time at my house. I could leave my husband to do it all though. I seldom do because it’s easier and there are less tears if we follow our normal schedule, it’s dedicated time with my kids, I have to do prep work to set things up for DH if I do go out, and I’m tired after a long day of working/parenting. If I get away for the evening, I usually want to do something with DH like a date night. I go out with friends at night a few times a year and did 1 girls weekend a year pre-pandemic. That’s about it. I prefer brunch.

WHY?! How do you women live like this?? Why does your husband need his wife (mommy) to set things up for him to complete a basic adult task?!

Seriously: What on earth do you have to prep for your husband?

THIS. Women convince themselves it will all fall apart without them. Let your husband figure it out. Unless you’re talking about pumping milk for a nursing baby it makes no sense. I am not raising my boys to be so helpless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

You sound charming.

I’m sorry you have to face that reality that if a friend doesn’t want to meet you for your plans on your terms, it’s not necessarily because she has a bad husband or is an “overwhelmed” mother, or has have type of anxiety. Maybe—just maybe—She’s Just Not That Into You.

Oh dear. Then why are you perpetuating the facade of any friendship at all? If you have friends you will only meet for coffee...maybe just stop being friends? Sounds like you need to cut the cord.

I try. That's where all the "nos" to their invitations come from. But sometimes you feel like throwing the Desperados a bone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

"Give a flip?"

I guess most people enjoy social interaction and having...friends? If you don't, that's fine...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

You sound charming.

I’m sorry you have to face that reality that if a friend doesn’t want to meet you for your plans on your terms, it’s not necessarily because she has a bad husband or is an “overwhelmed” mother, or has have type of anxiety. Maybe—just maybe—She’s Just Not That Into You.

Oh dear. Then why are you perpetuating the facade of any friendship at all? If you have friends you will only meet for coffee...maybe just stop being friends? Sounds like you need to cut the cord.

I try. That's where all the "nos" to their invitations come from. But sometimes you feel like throwing the Desperados a bone.

Why? Seems like a very strange social experiment. You should probably be consistent with your Nos and honor your true feelings instead of toggling between two realities and engaging in mixed messaging. It sounds confusing for you, and for the other person!