Reply to Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

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[quote=Anonymous]My wife and I met 15 years ago. She lived 3 hours away in a small town, and I live in a big city, where I was born and raised. We chatted online for a few months and then she came to visit me. There was no immediate spark (for me anyway) and next thing she tells me she's moving to the city. I told her not to move here if it was for me. She said it wasn't. Her sister lived here and she wanted to be closer to her.

With her here we became close friends, which lead to other benefits, and 3 years later our friendship developed into a relationship.

Fast forward a couple of years and she starts talking about moving back home. I had a large business in the city, as well as my parents, so I said that moving wasn't an option for me. She'd suggest that I could just work remotely and come to the city every few weeks. Things got quite intense at one point, so I asked her to make a decision about the future. To stay here with me, or to move back home. She said she wants to be where I am.

Now that might sound selfish and all, but I was very established in the city, and she's from a very small town with a population of 8,000. To me, the idea of being so isolated and everybody knowing everybody makes me feel like I'd wither and die.

Every time we would come home from visiting her family she'd go into a low mood and talk about "if we lived there." It really takes a toll on me because it's so unsettling.

We now have 3 young children, with one in school, and it's come up again for her that she's really unhappy in the city and wants to move home to be closer to her sister and parents.

I sold my business 4 years ago, so I'm no longer tied to that, and I have started a new business that does not depend on me being in one place. Still, I'm only good at making small changes at a time, so uprooting our whole lives causes me so much anxiety.

She's been a SAHM for almost 8 years now and I've tried to encourage her to get involved in things in the community but she can be very negative, always with reasons about why things won't work. I on the other hand, despite my apprehension, have just joined Scouts with my son, as a youth leader, and I really love it.

I don't want there to be a winner and a loser in this situation. I don't want one of us to have be unhappy. I know I gave her the choice many years ago about our future, but I understand people change, especially when children arrive. I just don't know how I could make a compromise that will be happy for both of us. I really don't like the idea of "go try it and see how you like it" because it means taking my son out of his school and away from his friends, and then if we decide to come back we need to do it all again.

Help! Feel totally stuck!
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