Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I’ve been following this thread closely, and am (finally) posting a response with the courage of happy hour wines. I have been on the other side of this situation, the similarities so close that I’ve at times questioned if I were the other woman (with details changed). Before casting stones, in my case, I had no idea of the existence of a significant partner. Ironically, my own marriage ended after my ex-husband had an affair, and thus, would never have willingly engaged. He was never married (and no children, thankfully), but in a 20 year relationship with a woman he’d been with since 18. They’d only ever been with one another.

To give a brief overview, I met this man while he was in the DC area for business; we had an instant connection, shared hobbies, and ultimately, chemistry. We saw each other a few times while he was in DC, and he left for a distant country. In the few weeks after our initial meeting, we talked incessantly; in those first few weeks, we’d talk on the phone, sometimes for hours. It seemed impossible that he could be in a relationship given the time we spent communicating, and there was no reason to believe otherwise. With distance and time, the initial infatuation waned; that said, we remained in communication over the next six-months. For the most part, the conversation was not sexual, just shared interests and jokes; this allowed a friendship to build. Fast-forward sixth months, he returned on a work assignment. We reconnected, and spent the following three weeks largely inseparable. As we spent days and nights together, there was never any indication that there was a partner.

The affair was discovered not long after he returned to his country. I received a message in the middle of the night stating he would not be able to talk to me. A few days later, I received a call, and at that point, the 20 year relationship was disclosed. I spoke with her individually (she reached out to me), and my conversations with both (after the fact) are the reason I’m electing to participate in this conversation. There are many similarities, and I can understand, and while not condone his behavior, sympathize with both parties.

The most important takeaway is to echo exactly what you stated, that you did nothing wrong. This is one of the first things that she communicated to me; that she was a good partner, and she didn’t deserve this. I wholeheartedly agree. Their history also mirrors yours, they were together since 18, and accordingly, their families too had become intertwined. By all accounts, they did not argue, and had a positive, happy relationship.

One of the previous posters had mentioned a stifling feeling, and when explaining his indiscretions, this was exactly what he described. Because the relationship was ultimately good, and because they got along so well, there was a genuine hesitancy to bring up difficult feelings. Their families closeness also compounded the issues, and made it difficult for both to express discontent. Despite their individual needs not necessarily being met, neither want to rock the relationship (at least in terms of approaching one another; there is absolutely no dispute that he rocked the relationship).

If you’re still reading (my god I had a lot to say, sorry!), I think that your relationship is worth saving, but you’ll need to have incredibly honest and difficult conversations with one another. Occasionally, it’s ok to respectfully argue and express your needs, especially after 20 years. Given this experience, I’ve seen the immense sadness over the loss of what was a strong, but imperfect, relationship. Imperfections are alright though, OP. Anonymous hugs for the difficult situation that you are going through.

I find it so interesting to see what others consider a good relationship. I do not consider a relationship where there are warm fuzzy feelings but an unwillingness to talk about difficult things a relationship that is "ultimately good." To me it's "ultimately superficial."

[Anonymous]

Hi again, OP. This is the author of inadvertent home-wrecker post (lol). Candidly, the other woman in your case sounds unhinged - and also how I knew I was not a party to this situation. Threatening to reach out to your mother in law is insane, and frankly she seems unstable and needing of attention. Now that the bomb of discovery is dropped, there is no attention left to cling on to, and she will hopefully be harmless.

Just to be clear, I never spoke with the partner again after our initial conversation; I represent the personification of pain in a rough part of her life. Occasionally I’ll think of her, and I always feel sad. Despite the hurt expressed in our communication, it was clear she was a kind person, and didn’t deserve the bomb that had dropped into her life. Upon my discovery of her existence, I immediately exited the situation, and do not communicate with either - I think after these type of things, that’s really all you can do. Hopefully she’ll do the same.

I just wanted to share the experience, as I (unfortunately) played a role in the dissolution of a long term relationship, and had the opportunity to talk deeply with both effected by his choices.

[Anonymous]

“I find it so interesting to see what others consider a good relationship. I do not consider a relationship where there are warm fuzzy feelings but an unwillingness to talk about difficult things a relationship that is "ultimately good." To me it's "ultimately superficial."”

As I personally have never been in the same relationship since I was 18, I can’t speak with experience, but at that young age, I wasn’t having the hard conversations, and perhaps that is something difficult to grow into. Especially if you’ve always kept the peace. Not disagreeing with you, because now in my mid-30s I can appreciate how having these conversations strengthen a relationship.

[Anonymous]

An alcoholic having a secret affair with a bartender. He isn't a very creative thinker, is he?

Been there, OP--and have posted here previously. OW in our situation was not a bartender. But rehab was an essential element of rebuilding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi again, OP. This is the author of inadvertent home-wrecker post (lol). Candidly, the other woman in your case sounds unhinged - and also how I knew I was not a party to this situation. Threatening to reach out to your mother in law is insane, and frankly she seems unstable and needing of attention. Now that the bomb of discovery is dropped, there is no attention left to cling on to, and she will hopefully be harmless.

Just to be clear, I never spoke with the partner again after our initial conversation; I represent the personification of pain in a rough part of her life. Occasionally I’ll think of her, and I always feel sad. Despite the hurt expressed in our communication, it was clear she was a kind person, and didn’t deserve the bomb that had dropped into her life. Upon my discovery of her existence, I immediately exited the situation, and do not communicate with either - I think after these type of things, that’s really all you can do. Hopefully she’ll do the same.

I just wanted to share the experience, as I (unfortunately) played a role in the dissolution of a long term relationship, and had the opportunity to talk deeply with both effected by his choices.

NP here. This isn’t really relevant but I feel like while the wife was the primary victim, you were too. You can’t really say you played a role in it, it was more like the guy was a puppeteer.

[Anonymous]

^ This. Even with this OW, do you think OP's husband was like, "yes I have a wife and 2 children who I love very much" lol nope.

[Anonymous]

OP i don’t mean to sound harsh but it’s truly irrelevant if the woman is a psycho under employed bartender or a highly successful whatever. Do not spend any more mental energy or time on her. It’s irrelevant. I am afraid you are also trying to make yourself feel better or convince yourself he wouldn’t have actually left for her. I’m in my late 40s and have seen some crazy things happen recently with colleagues and friends. I also think you are looking back on your marriage with rose colored glasses. Re-read your earlier post. It also seems like you are evaluating staying or not based on options (financial, dating, etc). You do not stay in a relationship for the opportunity cost.

[Anonymous]

^ This too. Earlier back OP said that OP's therapist said something like "good thing OW never had kids" and, idk, that seems petty and simplistic? If a woman who sleeps with a married man shouldn't be a mother.... should a married man who sleeps with another woman be a father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP i don’t mean to sound harsh but it’s truly irrelevant if the woman is a psycho under employed bartender or a highly successful whatever. Do not spend any more mental energy or time on her. It’s irrelevant. I am afraid you are also trying to make yourself feel better or convince yourself he wouldn’t have actually left for her. I’m in my late 40s and have seen some crazy things happen recently with colleagues and friends. I also think you are looking back on your marriage with rose colored glasses. Re-read your earlier post. It also seems like you are evaluating staying or not based on options (financial, dating, etc). You do not stay in a relationship for the opportunity cost.

NP. But I think this is not so black and white, especially when you have kids. And also when your lives have been so intertwined for so long and you have a close-knit extended family. I mean I'm not saying OP should stay with her husband. Obviously if the trust is broken irreparably and she will never feel safe in the relationship again, she should not stay. If she no longer loves him and/or he no longer loves her after what has transpired, she should not stay. But it's usually not that simple. If you have kids, you do need to consider the financial repercussions of ending the relationship. If you have kids, you do need to think about what ending the marriage, moving out, and later on starting new relationships w/ other people would do to the kids. That is very important. Unfortunately, OP can't just make decisions that benefit herself. She has to also think of her kids in making these decisions. If they didn't have kids, sure it'd be easy to say that love or mutual respect are the only important factors in deciding whether to stay in the relationship or break up. But when you have kids, it does become more essential to weigh the "opportunity costs" as you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ This too. Earlier back OP said that OP's therapist said something like "good thing OW never had kids" and, idk, that seems petty and simplistic? If a woman who sleeps with a married man shouldn't be a mother.... should a married man who sleeps with another woman be a father?

I think the therapist said that as a way of saying that at least the OW and OP's husband's affair wasn't damaging even more people's lives. If the OW had kids, then more relationships and more people are in the equation which makes everything more complicated.

[Anonymous]

To Inadvervent home wrecker, I am 2019 DDay poster snd must say how kind your posts are. In my case the OW is a PhD educated person at an NGO who both knew about me, know I did not know and knew it wss not ok, knew my dh told her he loved me, had a good marriage and would not leave me, and still did. When I found out and he dropped her, she said ok, I knew this would happen. Cold as ice. She actually told him to delete more of his texts or he was going to get caught (reason to think He left the texts around for me to see which is childish but gives you a sense of it). You sound like you have both integrity and a heart and conscience. Good for you. I really hope for the worst for the OW because she coldly tore our life apart and worked with DH to traumatize me knowingly, She is also someone whose job is front facing about protecting children (has no real children) and so gallung when you think about the damage having our kids go through a divorce would have been. There are just bad and damaged people out there, You do not sound like one of them.

[Anonymous]

Galling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ This too. Earlier back OP said that OP's therapist said something like "good thing OW never had kids" and, idk, that seems petty and simplistic? If a woman who sleeps with a married man shouldn't be a mother.... should a married man who sleeps with another woman be a father?

This was a different PP sharing their experience. Not OP/OPs therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ This too. Earlier back OP said that OP's therapist said something like "good thing OW never had kids" and, idk, that seems petty and simplistic? If a woman who sleeps with a married man shouldn't be a mother.... should a married man who sleeps with another woman be a father?

This was a different PP sharing their experience. Not OP/OPs therapist.

Ah ok, I stand corrected if that was said in a different context / about a different relationship.

[Anonymous]

Comment was based on more tham just being an OW. But maybe yes.