If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?

[Anonymous]

I feel like the partner wanting a smaller family should "win." Before we got married, we both wanted two kids. Now understanding the reality of parenting, looking at our ages plus tight financial circumstances, my spouse wants to stop at one. I understand the decision, and the reasons are very logical. I just can't reach inner peace with it. I'm looking for how others got there. I don't want to end up bitter toward my spouse, which I'm afraid I'm starting to feel.

[Anonymous]

The veto always wins.

For us, our finances and my health sealed our fate.

[Anonymous]

I wanted 0, he wanted 4. Our compromise was 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the partner wanting a smaller family should "win." Before we got married, we both wanted two kids. Now understanding the reality of parenting, looking at our ages plus tight financial circumstances, my spouse wants to stop at one. I understand the decision, and the reasons are very logical. I just can't reach inner peace with it. I'm looking for how others got there. I don't want to end up bitter toward my spouse, which I'm afraid I'm starting to feel.

The lower number wins every time. Coercing people into having children that they do not want does not end well for anyone, least of all the unwanted child.

FWIW, this was a large part of why my first husband and I got divorced. "We" wanted 2 kids, which was a compromise for me as I wanted 1 and he wanted at least 4. We agreed on 2, but then he was a complete cad about how they had to be spaced very close together, with zero regard for the physical aspects of pregnancy that made me want to wait more than a year between kids. He also blamed the miscarriages I experienced when we were TTC #2 on my ambivalence about having more than 1 child. He actually said "Maybe if you wanted this child more, it wouldn't have died." I understand that everyone grieves differently, but that is a truly garbage thing to say to someone you claim to love and is an example of how unaddressed resentment can poison a marriage with this issue.

[Anonymous]

Lower number won because the one wanting more knew the other couldn't handle it, and that is a recipe for disaster. So you get busy with the family you have and enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

I think the spouse who wants to stop having children wins, BUT only after having serious, honest conversations about whether that spouse's concerns can be addressed.

For example if the concern is financial, I would expect that spouse to be willing to take a deep look at the budget, talk to a financial planner, consider ways of increasing income and reducing expenditures, etc.

[Anonymous]

There is a very common sentiment that the veto always wins...yet, this seems to imply the old story of proving the “real” mother doesn’t want her child cut in half. (That a real parent wouldn’t bring a child into the world that was potentially unwanted.)

I think this is BS! Yes, a person shouldn’t be forced into being a parent if they don’t want to be. But real, hard, deep dive conversations need to happen on both sides about the choice. I believe it is completely unfair for one spouse to unilaterally make this decision in either direction and that must be communicated. Otherwise both partners are losing out and risk bittnerness and disconnection.

I am the spouse who entered the marriage saying i would love to plan for 5 kids, but realistically 3 could be my ideal. DH was very clear that he felt 2 was his ideal. We agreed to re-examine in the future. After (and quite frankly during) the first pregnancy DH began to declare 1 and done. It was devastating to me. And terrible for our marriage. It was not at all in my mind what we had agreed to. I did genuinely consider my options of leaving and attempting to start over without him as my spouse.

We did a mix of agreed to time limits to discuss and then table the conversation. We worked very hard on respectful conflict resolution conversation. We worked on our marriage. We tried to stay open to hearing one another out. I did not resort to “tricking him” into an oops pregnancy. (Though lots of people advocate this.)

Eventually, we got to a place where with time, my rawness around the topic eased. We agreed to both stay open to the possibility without making a decision. From there, he was able to see a path where he could imagine having another. In our case, definitely hanging out with other families who had more than one kid helped him imagine his life with more than one. At the end of the day, I think he agreed to find a way to want a second kid because he knew it was so important to me. AND he could see it was no different than me trying to find a way...and quite frankly having spent a few years trying to be ok with having only one because I acknowledged it was important to him. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you work? Only asking because if the tight financial circumstances can be alleviated by you working then I would fight for my 2nd child.

I don't think your dream of two kids should be stunted because of your husband. Resentment works both ways and finances can improve. Resentment builds and never goes away. Ask yourself if you will resent him later in life for not having the 2nd.

I wanted three but my DH only wanted two. I was fine with not having three because it is hard and it is expensive; and I knew deep in my heart that wouldn't regret NOT having a third. However, I wanted more than one and we agreed on that.

[Anonymous]

The lower number won in our house. We discussed three when we dated and got married. DH's only request was that he wanted to wait 5 yrs before having kids as he felt marriage and relationship needed to be strong before children. We have 2. DH says he never agreed to 3. I have not resolved that we don't have 1 more. It doesn't seem like 2 would be that much of a disappointment but I come from a very large family. I have grown distant but he wants to be closer. I receive lots of gifts and flowers, this was not the case early in marriage. I can't be closer to someone who I feel changed/controlled my life in not the way I expected. I grieve, he has moved on. I somehow feel that if we were unable to have children I would feel differently, but at the moment I feel it is his fault. No medical issues, no financial issues, just said he wasn't comfortable with having more than 2 when I brought up having another child. Therapy has not changed that feeling. He is a great involved dad with our 2.

[Anonymous]

It took a long time to conceive #1. Number 2 came 2 years later. I wanted another, he felt we were too old. We discussed it over the course of 6 months and I eventually accepted his decision. I went through a period of grief soon after. It was so bad, he offered to try for another to make me happy -I declined. 7 years later, I am very happy with my 2 and I know it was the right choice.

[Anonymous]

I said "3" and he said "1." We settled on two kids.

[Anonymous]

I wanted three, husband wanted two. I won as it was my body and I would be the primary care giver. We never really argued over it and when I told him I was expecting number 3 he was very happy.

[Anonymous]

Would marriage counseling be helpful for the two of you? Sometimes having a third party help you talk through things can be useful.

I'm not sure this is a helpful perspective, but in times like this when I feel resentful about how things are, I imagine that there's an alternate universe in which things are different and I have the thing that I am imagining I have now. The alternate universe version of me is not living a perfect life, even if she has the thing that I want here. No life is perfect and changing our circumstances adds different sets of struggles. Thinking this way helps me to maintain my sense of balance and security -- there are things I dislike about the life I'm living, but much of it is so, so good; if things were different, the same would be true -- there would be things I like and dislike about that different life.

I have one child who is the light of my life. It's hard for me to imagine having another kid whom I could love just as much or more. I feel like I made a perfect kid on my first try. It's a lot of fun to imagine giving my current child a sibling and the fun they could have together. But perhaps in reality, it would be unduly disruptive to my current kid, who would grow to have resentment and anger and feel abandoned. Maybe my second child would have serious needs that I could not easily meet, or maybe second child and I just would not "click" and we would have constant battles trying to understand each other. These are the potential realities we do not consider when we are dreaming of a different reality. But this is the type of stuff I think about when I'm bitter and wishing things were different in my own life.

[Anonymous]

- mother's preference should have an edge
- raise the issue but don't dwell in it. ditch your birth control and try to get pregnant regardless. he will get over it.

[Anonymous]

I wanted 3, he wanted 2. After having 1, I agreed 2 was the way to go, but still secretly hoped for 3. I came to peace with it after having 2. I love our family of 4 and don't think it's missing anything. If anything, I sometimes wish for the time & peace I used to have to myself with only 1! But I wouldn't give up my 2nd for the world. For me, time & experience was all I needed to agree with DH.