If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?

[Anonymous]

We agreed before we got married. It’s one of those things you want to be on the same page about before commuting to one another. We agreed 3 is ideal and our max but we definitely wanted at least two. DW was an only child and hated it.

[Anonymous]

I am the one who carries, births and breastfeeds our children. If my husband wanted less, I would respect that and would have been ok with one. I am an only child.


If he wanted more than the two we have, that’s too bad. My womb is closed.

[Anonymous]

We agreed DH would be the main parent since he wanted kids and I didn't. We finally settled on one, then took a second in a family emergency and adopted that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:- mother's preference should have an edge
- raise the issue but don't dwell in it. ditch your birth control and try to get pregnant regardless. he will get over it.

Wow. How are your horrible life decisions working out for you thus far?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a very common sentiment that the veto always wins...yet, this seems to imply the old story of proving the “real” mother doesn’t want her child cut in half. (That a real parent wouldn’t bring a child into the world that was potentially unwanted.)

I think this is BS! Yes, a person shouldn’t be forced into being a parent if they don’t want to be. But real, hard, deep dive conversations need to happen on both sides about the choice. I believe it is completely unfair for one spouse to unilaterally make this decision in either direction and that must be communicated. Otherwise both partners are losing out and risk bittnerness and disconnection.

I am the spouse who entered the marriage saying i would love to plan for 5 kids, but realistically 3 could be my ideal. DH was very clear that he felt 2 was his ideal. We agreed to re-examine in the future. After (and quite frankly during) the first pregnancy DH began to declare 1 and done. It was devastating to me. And terrible for our marriage. It was not at all in my mind what we had agreed to. I did genuinely consider my options of leaving and attempting to start over without him as my spouse.

We did a mix of agreed to time limits to discuss and then table the conversation. We worked very hard on respectful conflict resolution conversation. We worked on our marriage. We tried to stay open to hearing one another out. I did not resort to “tricking him” into an oops pregnancy. (Though lots of people advocate this.)

Eventually, we got to a place where with time, my rawness around the topic eased. We agreed to both stay open to the possibility without making a decision. From there, he was able to see a path where he could imagine having another. In our case, definitely hanging out with other families who had more than one kid helped him imagine his life with more than one. At the end of the day, I think he agreed to find a way to want a second kid because he knew it was so important to me. AND he could see it was no different than me trying to find a way...and quite frankly having spent a few years trying to be ok with having only one because I acknowledged it was important to him. Good luck OP.

If by "lots of people" you mean sociopaths, then yes. Good Lord.

[Anonymous]

My spouse was willing to have a third, even though he didn't want to, if it was important to me. We actually tried for a couple months, before I eventually came around to his position. I'm still a bit sad about it, but I do think it was the right decision for our family (primarily for financial reasons).

We approached it like we do most decisions: with an open mind, willing to consider the other person's feelings, and willingness to sacrifice for each other. Typically in our relationship, the person who feels more strongly about something wins out. In this case, we both had mixed feelings (I wanted it more than him, but had some reservations as well) and came to the conclusion that in that case, it was best not to rock the boat.

[Anonymous]

Presumably you married this person because you’re in love with them and they complete your life.

So why would you put this desire for a nonexistent hypothetical being above what your husband—the person that’s supposed to be your soul mate—wants? You married him to be more than just a sperm donor, right? So respect his desires and make a happy life with him with what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you married this person because you’re in love with them and they complete your life.

So why would you put this desire for a nonexistent hypothetical being above what your husband—the person that’s supposed to be your soul mate—wants? You married him to be more than just a sperm donor, right? So respect his desires and make a happy life with him with what you have.

omg you again. Marriage is not about soulmates!! It is not about meeting someone to "complete you!" or you "one true love" as you wrote another time. It is about living and building a life together - which is why it's good to be on the same page about what kind of life you both want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you married this person because you’re in love with them and they complete your life.

So why would you put this desire for a nonexistent hypothetical being above what your husband—the person that’s supposed to be your soul mate—wants? You married him to be more than just a sperm donor, right? So respect his desires and make a happy life with him with what you have.

omg you again. Marriage is not about soulmates!! It is not about meeting someone to "complete you!" or you "one true love" as you wrote another time. It is about living and building a life together - which is why it's good to be on the same page about what kind of life you both want.

I’m sorry you married a roommate.

[Anonymous]

Well, my DH was unwilling to have a second child (this after we both agreed to have at least two). I worked on him, and basically conveyed the message that his decision put our marriage on the rocks. And a few other tricks.

After a few months, I got my way and he agreed to have a second. What do you know, he got into the children thing so much that he strongly suggested a third. Seven months along now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you married this person because you’re in love with them and they complete your life.

So why would you put this desire for a nonexistent hypothetical being above what your husband—the person that’s supposed to be your soul mate—wants? You married him to be more than just a sperm donor, right? So respect his desires and make a happy life with him with what you have.

omg you again. Marriage is not about soulmates!! It is not about meeting someone to "complete you!" or you "one true love" as you wrote another time. It is about living and building a life together - which is why it's good to be on the same page about what kind of life you both want.

I’m sorry you married a roommate.

\

I didn't. I married a partner with whom I share goals and real life intimacy rooted in reality. I am sorry your parents poisoned you with too many Disney movies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you married this person because you’re in love with them and they complete your life.

So why would you put this desire for a nonexistent hypothetical being above what your husband—the person that’s supposed to be your soul mate—wants? You married him to be more than just a sperm donor, right? So respect his desires and make a happy life with him with what you have.

Because I got married to build a particular kind of life, the life that I wanted and couldn't have by myself. If he didn't say he wanted the same, I wouldn't have married him. If he changed his mind midway, then he doesn't want the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I wanted 1, and he wanted 3. We're compromising and having 2. If he wants a third, he can divorce me and have one more with someone else, cause I'm not doing it.

[Anonymous]

DH would have been happy with 2, but I talked him into a 3rd.
We once had an oops and for a period of time (TWW) I was worried I was pregnant with #4. He handled it surprisingly well! (It turned out I was not pregnant)

[Anonymous]

But....there is the only child issue as well. That is the part I would NOT be okay with.