If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?

[Anonymous]

I wanted 0, he wanted 2. We have 2.

[Anonymous]

I also wanted 0, he wanted 2-3. I agreed to 1 with him as the primary parent. We ended up with twins with him as the primary parent. It worked out well because he did most of the childcare work- sahd for 5 years and part-time wahd once the kids started kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

I always wanted three and DH was on board with that. After the 2nd (tired, sleep-deprived, in a tough place), he wondered if we shouldn't just stop or at least space them out more. We talked about it and I said that we were already in a tough place and if we waited, we might not ever want to go through the infant/ small child stage again and that maybe we should just keep our head down and get through it in one swoop. That's what we did and he's very happy that we had them close in age. They are older now, my libido is in a better place and all is well.

[Anonymous]

I would generally say both have to be 100 percent on board with another kid. However, you might try making the case that it's about a sibling for your kid. That is the best thing you can give him or her.

[Anonymous]

We agreed before marriage on "kids." In my mind that was two, but he wanted three. After our second child was born (and around the time I would have been getting pregnant with our third) we did some marriage counseling on this issue specifically. It was helpful for both of us -- I was able to explain how stretched I would feel trying to care for three kids, and why I couldn't be more "relaxed" about what my responsibilities would be as a mom of three. And he was able to articulate his sense of loss, especially because I am one of two siblings but he comes from a bigger family.

Kids are now teenagers and we are still happily married. It was very constructive for both of us to process the decision with a third party. We haven't talked about it in a very long time, but I don't think my husband resents the decision to stop at two.

[Anonymous]

DW wants 3, I am very hesitant about having more than 2. We are expecting our second in a few months so we'll see how it goes. I suspect it will sort itself out as one of us will either see that a third will not be manageable or 2 isn't so bad and adding a third could work.

We don't have that weird dynamic that so many on here seem to have where one spouse does all or substantially all of the child care.

[Anonymous]

I got pregnant "accidentally"

To this day he still thinks he had to talk me into keeping the pregnancy, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted 0, he wanted 4. Our compromise was 1.

Are you happy? This feels like a relationship ender. A family of 6 is an entirely different vision than a family of 3. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting none, this just seems like kind of a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Simple answer. Vasectomy. Best decision ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I am more sad than angry at my spouse, and I don't feel like I wasted my fertile years on a dud at all. He said that if I felt 100 percent certain very strongly that we needed to have another, he would consider it, but he just really doesn't want to. He's older, almost 50, loves our child like crazy, but doesn't want to go back to the baby stage again or be trying to retire and pay college tuition at the same time and also feels like he doesn't have the energy to do two. It's hard to argue with that.

I worry abut leaving out child alone in the world. There are several cousins, but none close enough geographically to feel like siblings.

It's weird because I never had a strong baby urge before, but it's hitting me now. I had thought I'd "get over" it faster.

All very legitimate concerns, OP. Frankly, the thought of never being able to retire because of college, etc. would scare me as well. Realistically, even if you get pregnant right away, he'll be 68 - past full retirement age - when your kid graduated high school. That's a tough thought. And never mind that, at 50, having the energy to deal with an infant/toddler. I know some people could easily do it; I couldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I am more sad than angry at my spouse, and I don't feel like I wasted my fertile years on a dud at all. He said that if I felt 100 percent certain very strongly that we needed to have another, he would consider it, but he just really doesn't want to. He's older, almost 50, loves our child like crazy, but doesn't want to go back to the baby stage again or be trying to retire and pay college tuition at the same time and also feels like he doesn't have the energy to do two. It's hard to argue with that.

I worry abut leaving out child alone in the world. There are several cousins, but none close enough geographically to feel like siblings.

It's weird because I never had a strong baby urge before, but it's hitting me now. I had thought I'd "get over" it faster.

All very legitimate concerns, OP. Frankly, the thought of never being able to retire because of college, etc. would scare me as well. Realistically, even if you get pregnant right away, he'll be 68 - past full retirement age - when your kid graduated high school. That's a tough thought. And never mind that, at 50, having the energy to deal with an infant/toddler. I know some people could easily do it; I couldn't.

NP here and I don't mean to be morbid but there's also a more significant chance that he could end up dying while the child is still a teenager than if he was closer to your age. Obviously, any of us could go at any time but the probabilities increase with age.

[Anonymous]

Why do you all portray having an only child as such a negative thing?

We both wanted 2 kids. I got pregnant on the first try and had a healthy, happy pregnancy and delivery. We loved parenthood so much we started TTC #2 right away before #1 was even 6 months old. Then we were faced with secondary infertility (totally unexpected after such an easy first time around) and while we're still TTC #2 it's been 4 years now with no success, so very likely our child will be an only unless a miracle occurs.

I have come to terms with it and see many benefits in having an only child, so has my husband. While we would have loved to have 2, it seems like it was not meant to be for us.

[Anonymous]

When my brother married his wife, they both were on board with not having children. She started badgering him for 1 and he held his ground. Of course she "accidentally" got pregnant. He ended up loving his daughter, but once again the wife started in badgering him, relentlessly for a 2nd. He then took a "work trip" for a week, got a vasectomy on a Monday and "returned home" on Friday. She still badgers him and he just shrugs it off now, not even slightly worried about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you all portray having an only child as such a negative thing?

We both wanted 2 kids. I got pregnant on the first try and had a healthy, happy pregnancy and delivery. We loved parenthood so much we started TTC #2 right away before #1 was even 6 months old. Then we were faced with secondary infertility (totally unexpected after such an easy first time around) and while we're still TTC #2 it's been 4 years now with no success, so very likely our child will be an only unless a miracle occurs.

I have come to terms with it and see many benefits in having an only child, so has my husband. While we would have loved to have 2, it seems like it was not meant to be for us.

Its not negative if both of you want an only child. It can be embraced and loved if for biological reasons you can't make it happen. But if you dreamed of a life with two/three/four/whatever kids and the thing that came between you and that was a spouse going back on a previous commitment then it will cause bitterness.

I would imagine that getting over your husband's refusal to TTC #2 would have been much harder then getting over a biological issue. One you can control/influence, one you cannot.

[Anonymous]

I pushed for a third and he eventually got on board.
Now he wants a 4th. Not happening.

I do all the work for the third. It doesn't even occur to him to do much for her. He tends to focus on the older two, which is fine. The baby is pretty much the best part of my life and even if he helped zero, I would want her.
That said, I am getting an IUD to make sure we don't have a 4th