If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indon’t Know if I agree with everyone else. If your situation (financial and otherwise) was bad enough to make a second child impossible, you would not resent your husband. Since you do, my guess is that you can probably make it work. Since you had agreed before on 2 and since the wife does most of the work anyway, I say that you have more power in this decision. Would he hate to have another or does he simply think it would be better to stop at 1?
My DH was happy with one. I wanted two and then he agreed... now we are contemplating a third. Some men can change their mind easily and having a sibling is such a great thing....

I completely agree with this. DCUM loves the "fewer wins, hard atop." line, but in a case where one partner has effectively pulled a complete bait and switch I'm inclined to disagree. And an only child vs having siblings is DEFINITELY a complete bait and switch

How do you define "most of the work"? There is child care but there is also a financial cost and the fathers income provides for that. I think you are selectively only recognizing certain "work" and ignoring other types of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree with everyone else that the person who wants fewer should "win," that doesn't mean it's a decision you should be expected to swallow with a smile and never think of again. Not having that second child you want and that you thought your partner was in agreement on having is a loss, and it's okay to grieve that loss. That doesn't mean you should punish your husband for changing his mind, only that it's okay to be sad about it, and that you don't have to pretend you're not. You'll come to your place of peace with it in your own time.

Wanted to follow on with a couple of other things. First, if you feel like your sadness over this is turning into resentment and you're not sure how to manage your feelings, consider talking to a counselor about it to help process your feelings in a healthier way.

Also, how old is your child? My personal experience was that once my child had gotten a little older (toward elementary age), I found myself a lot more at peace with our family despite not having the additional child I wanted. Our family dynamic changed so much once we were out of the baby/toddler/little kid phase, and I found myself really enjoying it and no longer wishing for another baby that would pull us out of the place we were now in.

Thanks for this. Maybe a counselor would help. I've never been to one and have no idea how to start to find one or what type to get. If it would be partially covered by insurance I'd be more inclined.

Our child's is almost six. We had originally talked about a three year age gap, which then became four, then the decision to not try again at all. So I've been dealing with the only child reality for about three years now. I think I repressed it a bit and it's looming larger now because we have a few second child pregnancies in family members we spent time with over Easter. And I realized that people who had been asking when or number two was coming no longer even ask. I'll be 40 next month, which also is weighing on me. And I'm home sick today, so finally started grappling with why I feel down and resentful lately.

I'll have to re-read this thread. There are some good points in here. I agree that an only seems like a very different ball park than siblings. The financial issues are not insurmountable, but my spouse is resistant to lifestyle changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indon’t Know if I agree with everyone else. If your situation (financial and otherwise) was bad enough to make a second child impossible, you would not resent your husband. Since you do, my guess is that you can probably make it work. Since you had agreed before on 2 and since the wife does most of the work anyway, I say that you have more power in this decision. Would he hate to have another or does he simply think it would be better to stop at 1?
My DH was happy with one. I wanted two and then he agreed... now we are contemplating a third. Some men can change their mind easily and having a sibling is such a great thing....

I completely agree with this. DCUM loves the "fewer wins, hard atop." line, but in a case where one partner has effectively pulled a complete bait and switch I'm inclined to disagree. And an only child vs having siblings is DEFINITELY a complete bait and switch

How do you define "most of the work"? There is child care but there is also a financial cost and the fathers income provides for that. I think you are selectively only recognizing certain "work" and ignoring other types of work.

No, unless the home stands gets a second job to provide for the second child, most of the extra work usually is on mom (pregnancy, bf, caring, etc). Unless of course the wife plans to have the kid and then let the husband be the primary parent... then my opinion changes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree with everyone else that the person who wants fewer should "win," that doesn't mean it's a decision you should be expected to swallow with a smile and never think of again. Not having that second child you want and that you thought your partner was in agreement on having is a loss, and it's okay to grieve that loss. That doesn't mean you should punish your husband for changing his mind, only that it's okay to be sad about it, and that you don't have to pretend you're not. You'll come to your place of peace with it in your own time.

Wanted to follow on with a couple of other things. First, if you feel like your sadness over this is turning into resentment and you're not sure how to manage your feelings, consider talking to a counselor about it to help process your feelings in a healthier way.

Also, how old is your child? My personal experience was that once my child had gotten a little older (toward elementary age), I found myself a lot more at peace with our family despite not having the additional child I wanted. Our family dynamic changed so much once we were out of the baby/toddler/little kid phase, and I found myself really enjoying it and no longer wishing for another baby that would pull us out of the place we were now in.

Thanks for this. Maybe a counselor would help. I've never been to one and have no idea how to start to find one or what type to get. If it would be partially covered by insurance I'd be more inclined.

Our child's is almost six. We had originally talked about a three year age gap, which then became four, then the decision to not try again at all. So I've been dealing with the only child reality for about three years now. I think I repressed it a bit and it's looming larger now because we have a few second child pregnancies in family members we spent time with over Easter. And I realized that people who had been asking when or number two was coming no longer even ask. I'll be 40 next month, which also is weighing on me. And I'm home sick today, so finally started grappling with why I feel down and resentful lately.

I'll have to re-read this thread. There are some good points in here. I agree that an only seems like a very different ball park than siblings. The financial issues are not insurmountable, but my spouse is resistant to lifestyle changes.

I think your husband is selfish. Sorry OP. You really want another and your time is running out. You had agreed on 2 and you are likely going to do most of the work. Maybe my post does not help you, but I would be furious

[Anonymous]

The veto always wins. However, I do think it's crappy to renege on an agreement to have more than just one. Some people really don't want to have an only child.

Now if you a scaling back from 4 to three or three to two, I can see that. Also can see if it's an extreme health or financial situation. Ie another pregnancy is risky, don't want to adopt, serious financial struggle... etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The veto always wins. However, I do think it's crappy to renege on an agreement to have more than just one. Some people really don't want to have an only child.

Now if you a scaling back from 4 to three or three to two, I can see that. Also can see if it's an extreme health or financial situation. Ie another pregnancy is risky, don't want to adopt, serious financial struggle... etc

I definitely agree with this. IMO that is REALLY not okay, I would be furious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The veto always wins. However, I do think it's crappy to renege on an agreement to have more than just one. Some people really don't want to have an only child.

Now if you a scaling back from 4 to three or three to two, I can see that. Also can see if it's an extreme health or financial situation. Ie another pregnancy is risky, don't want to adopt, serious financial struggle... etc

I definitely agree with this. IMO that is REALLY not okay, I would be furious

+1 the veto "wins" in so far that they can't be forced to have a child they don't want to have, but they might end up paying with their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The veto always wins. However, I do think it's crappy to renege on an agreement to have more than just one. Some people really don't want to have an only child.

Now if you a scaling back from 4 to three or three to two, I can see that. Also can see if it's an extreme health or financial situation. Ie another pregnancy is risky, don't want to adopt, serious financial struggle... etc

I definitely agree with this. IMO that is REALLY not okay, I would be furious

Yes. Because if the husband is the resisting party, remember that for him, this decision is easily reversible - he can decide to have a second child fifteen years from now, with someone else! For you, it may not be. He in effect made you waste your fertile years on a dud.

[Anonymous]

Op again. I am more sad than angry at my spouse, and I don't feel like I wasted my fertile years on a dud at all. He said that if I felt 100 percent certain very strongly that we needed to have another, he would consider it, but he just really doesn't want to. He's older, almost 50, loves our child like crazy, but doesn't want to go back to the baby stage again or be trying to retire and pay college tuition at the same time and also feels like he doesn't have the energy to do two. It's hard to argue with that.

I worry abut leaving out child alone in the world. There are several cousins, but none close enough geographically to feel like siblings.

It's weird because I never had a strong baby urge before, but it's hitting me now. I had thought I'd "get over" it faster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:- mother's preference should have an edge
- raise the issue but don't dwell in it. ditch your birth control and try to get pregnant regardless. he will get over it.

Wow. How are your horrible life decisions working out for you thus far?

My SIL did this and was divorced before the oops baby was a year old. Big mistake.

then their marriage was shaky to start with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I am more sad than angry at my spouse, and I don't feel like I wasted my fertile years on a dud at all. He said that if I felt 100 percent certain very strongly that we needed to have another, he would consider it, but he just really doesn't want to. He's older, almost 50, loves our child like crazy, but doesn't want to go back to the baby stage again or be trying to retire and pay college tuition at the same time and also feels like he doesn't have the energy to do two. It's hard to argue with that.

I worry abut leaving out child alone in the world. There are several cousins, but none close enough geographically to feel like siblings.

It's weird because I never had a strong baby urge before, but it's hitting me now. I had thought I'd "get over" it faster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I am more sad than angry at my spouse, and I don't feel like I wasted my fertile years on a dud at all. He said that if I felt 100 percent certain very strongly that we needed to have another, he would consider it, but he just really doesn't want to. He's older, almost 50, loves our child like crazy, but doesn't want to go back to the baby stage again or be trying to retire and pay college tuition at the same time and also feels like he doesn't have the energy to do two. It's hard to argue with that.

I worry abut leaving out child alone in the world. There are several cousins, but none close enough geographically to feel like siblings.

It's weird because I never had a strong baby urge before, but it's hitting me now. I had thought I'd "get over" it faster.

If you can convince him, I would absolutely do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I am more sad than angry at my spouse, and I don't feel like I wasted my fertile years on a dud at all. He said that if I felt 100 percent certain very strongly that we needed to have another, he would consider it, but he just really doesn't want to. He's older, almost 50, loves our child like crazy, but doesn't want to go back to the baby stage again or be trying to retire and pay college tuition at the same time and also feels like he doesn't have the energy to do two. It's hard to argue with that.

I worry abut leaving out child alone in the world. There are several cousins, but none close enough geographically to feel like siblings.

It's weird because I never had a strong baby urge before, but it's hitting me now. I had thought I'd "get over" it faster.

Family is what you make it, OP. I love my sister, but without her I wouldn’t be alone in the world - my husband and (only) child are far more fundamental to my sense of not-aloneness. With luck, by the time you kick the bucket your child will have his or her own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I am more sad than angry at my spouse, and I don't feel like I wasted my fertile years on a dud at all. He said that if I felt 100 percent certain very strongly that we needed to have another, he would consider it, but he just really doesn't want to. He's older, almost 50, loves our child like crazy, but doesn't want to go back to the baby stage again or be trying to retire and pay college tuition at the same time and also feels like he doesn't have the energy to do two. It's hard to argue with that.

I worry abut leaving out child alone in the world. There are several cousins, but none close enough geographically to feel like siblings.

It's weird because I never had a strong baby urge before, but it's hitting me now. I had thought I'd "get over" it faster.

Family is what you make it, OP. I love my sister, but without her I wouldn’t be alone in the world - my husband and (only) child are far more fundamental to my sense of not-aloneness. With luck, by the time you kick the bucket your child will have his or her own family.

This is VERY true. I still thinking that more family is better than less. I moved away from my family (different country) and I miss them everyday and I am really sad my kids are not growing up near them... we are c Nsid ring moving back so that we can be close to my brother and his family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the spouse who wants to stop having children wins, BUT only after having serious, honest conversations about whether that spouse's concerns can be addressed.

For example if the concern is financial, I would expect that spouse to be willing to take a deep look at the budget, talk to a financial planner, consider ways of increasing income and reducing expenditures, etc.

Whoa, what? Assuming there was no "pre-kids understanding" as to number of kids you would eventually have, if mom one day announces she wants 3 and dad was happy with 2, dad should be required to put in more hours at the office and have to cut back on his leisure activities? Just because of mom's whims?

Yeah, that's exactly what I said