Reply to If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?

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Reply to "If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?"

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[quote=Anonymous]There is a very common sentiment that the veto always wins...yet, this seems to imply the old story of proving the “real” mother doesn’t want her child cut in half. (That a real parent wouldn’t bring a child into the world that was potentially unwanted.)

I think this is BS! Yes, a person shouldn’t be forced into being a parent if they don’t want to be. But real, hard, deep dive conversations need to happen on both sides about the choice. I believe it is completely unfair for one spouse to unilaterally make this decision in either direction and that must be communicated. Otherwise both partners are losing out and risk bittnerness and disconnection.

I am the spouse who entered the marriage saying i would love to plan for 5 kids, but realistically 3 could be my ideal. DH was very clear that he felt 2 was his ideal. We agreed to re-examine in the future. After (and quite frankly during) the first pregnancy DH began to declare 1 and done. It was devastating to me. And terrible for our marriage. It was not at all in my mind what we had agreed to. I did genuinely consider my options of leaving and attempting to start over without him as my spouse.

We did a mix of agreed to time limits to discuss and then table the conversation. We worked very hard on respectful conflict resolution conversation. We worked on our marriage. We tried to stay open to hearing one another out. I did not resort to “tricking him” into an oops pregnancy. (Though lots of people advocate this.)

Eventually, we got to a place where with time, my rawness around the topic eased. We agreed to both stay open to the possibility without making a decision. From there, he was able to see a path where he could imagine having another. In our case, definitely hanging out with other families who had more than one kid helped him imagine his life with more than one. At the end of the day, I think he agreed to find a way to want a second kid because he knew it was so important to me. AND he could see it was no different than me trying to find a way...and quite frankly having spent a few years trying to be ok with having only one because I acknowledged it was important to him. Good luck OP. [/quote]

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