If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the helpful replies. It's nice not to feel alone in this.

Jokingly I'm thinking that I should have said I wanted three so that we could compromise on two. But i thought things would work out well since we both wanted two.

To the pp who asked, yes, I work, but I cut back to two thirds time to cut back on the need for after school care. Unfortunately neither of us are exceptionally high earners (fed and non profit). We have a fairly simple lifestyle, but I'm more willing to cut back expenses than he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted 1, and he wanted 3. We're compromising and having 2. If he wants a third, he can divorce me and have one more with someone else, cause I'm not doing it.

Yes, I think the exact words I said were "I'm done, if you want a 3rd you need to find a new wife."

[Anonymous]

I started out wanting 3. When our kid was 2, he broke it to me that he strongly didn’t want more. We fought and fought, and cried and cried (both of us).

Eventually he said he couldn’t live without making me miserable. I wanted it badly enough to accept that offer. Then secondary infertility entered. Many, many IVFs and miscarriages later, we’re done. We are a family of three, and so we shall remain.

So in a way we both won, and we both lost. At least I have the peace of knowing that I tried, and he has the peace of knowing that he tried to give it to me.

There’s no easy answers, but I wish you peace.

[Anonymous]

That should say “live with making me miserable”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you married this person because you’re in love with them and they complete your life.

So why would you put this desire for a nonexistent hypothetical being above what your husband—the person that’s supposed to be your soul mate—wants? You married him to be more than just a sperm donor, right? So respect his desires and make a happy life with him with what you have.

omg you again. Marriage is not about soulmates!! It is not about meeting someone to "complete you!" or you "one true love" as you wrote another time. It is about living and building a life together - which is why it's good to be on the same page about what kind of life you both want.

+1

[Anonymous]

I dunno...I am honestly of the opinion that what was agreed to pre-marriage should hold a pretty significant amount of weight. ESPECIALLY if it's an only child situation and you did not agree on that beforehand. An only child is on a whole different plane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the partner wanting a smaller family should "win." Before we got married, we both wanted two kids. Now understanding the reality of parenting, looking at our ages plus tight financial circumstances, my spouse wants to stop at one. I understand the decision, and the reasons are very logical. I just can't reach inner peace with it. I'm looking for how others got there. I don't want to end up bitter toward my spouse, which I'm afraid I'm starting to feel.

This is how we operate. I wouldn't want to bring an extra child into the world knowing that 1 parent didn't want them. Lowest wins in our house and we were a 2vs 4. We have 2

[Anonymous]

While I agree with everyone else that the person who wants fewer should "win," that doesn't mean it's a decision you should be expected to swallow with a smile and never think of again. Not having that second child you want and that you thought your partner was in agreement on having is a loss, and it's okay to grieve that loss. That doesn't mean you should punish your husband for changing his mind, only that it's okay to be sad about it, and that you don't have to pretend you're not. You'll come to your place of peace with it in your own time.

[Anonymous]

Indon’t Know if I agree with everyone else. If your situation (financial and otherwise) was bad enough to make a second child impossible, you would not resent your husband. Since you do, my guess is that you can probably make it work. Since you had agreed before on 2 and since the wife does most of the work anyway, I say that you have more power in this decision. Would he hate to have another or does he simply think it would be better to stop at 1?
My DH was happy with one. I wanted two and then he agreed... now we are contemplating a third. Some men can change their mind easily and having a sibling is such a great thing....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I agree with everyone else that the person who wants fewer should "win," that doesn't mean it's a decision you should be expected to swallow with a smile and never think of again. Not having that second child you want and that you thought your partner was in agreement on having is a loss, and it's okay to grieve that loss. That doesn't mean you should punish your husband for changing his mind, only that it's okay to be sad about it, and that you don't have to pretend you're not. You'll come to your place of peace with it in your own time.

Wanted to follow on with a couple of other things. First, if you feel like your sadness over this is turning into resentment and you're not sure how to manage your feelings, consider talking to a counselor about it to help process your feelings in a healthier way.

Also, how old is your child? My personal experience was that once my child had gotten a little older (toward elementary age), I found myself a lot more at peace with our family despite not having the additional child I wanted. Our family dynamic changed so much once we were out of the baby/toddler/little kid phase, and I found myself really enjoying it and no longer wishing for another baby that would pull us out of the place we were now in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indon’t Know if I agree with everyone else. If your situation (financial and otherwise) was bad enough to make a second child impossible, you would not resent your husband. Since you do, my guess is that you can probably make it work. Since you had agreed before on 2 and since the wife does most of the work anyway, I say that you have more power in this decision. Would he hate to have another or does he simply think it would be better to stop at 1?
My DH was happy with one. I wanted two and then he agreed... now we are contemplating a third. Some men can change their mind easily and having a sibling is such a great thing....

I completely agree with this. DCUM loves the "fewer wins, hard atop." line, but in a case where one partner has effectively pulled a complete bait and switch I'm inclined to disagree. And an only child vs having siblings is DEFINITELY a complete bait and switch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:- mother's preference should have an edge
- raise the issue but don't dwell in it. ditch your birth control and try to get pregnant regardless. he will get over it.

Wow. How are your horrible life decisions working out for you thus far?

My SIL did this and was divorced before the oops baby was a year old. Big mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the spouse who wants to stop having children wins, BUT only after having serious, honest conversations about whether that spouse's concerns can be addressed.

For example if the concern is financial, I would expect that spouse to be willing to take a deep look at the budget, talk to a financial planner, consider ways of increasing income and reducing expenditures, etc.

Whoa, what? Assuming there was no "pre-kids understanding" as to number of kids you would eventually have, if mom one day announces she wants 3 and dad was happy with 2, dad should be required to put in more hours at the office and have to cut back on his leisure activities? Just because of mom's whims?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted three, husband wanted two. I won as it was my body and I would be the primary care giver. We never really argued over it and when I told him I was expecting number 3 he was very happy.

YES! my body my choice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But....there is the only child issue as well. That is the part I would NOT be okay with.

This is not an issue. Signed, happy only child.