Discovered my dad is cheating on my mom - WWYD

[Anonymous]

I still use my dad's HBO GO account (I know, grow up, right? :oops but each person in our family has an email address from the cable provider. I thought I was logged into my email, so when I saw I had a new message, of course I clicked and read it. Except it wasn't my email. It was my dad's because I was using the HBO account recently, and it was from a woman who is very much NOT my mom. Before I figured out it wasn't for me I read something like "I tried to get out *to the store* earlier but she wanted to come! Damn! I will talk to you tonight. Miss you and love you so much" I closed out before I could read anything more. Putting two and two together: my dad is having an affair. Slowly the pieces came together; she's the paralegal/secretary at my dad's firm. They go on "business trips" (now thinking back to when he was telling me about the "conferences" he was going on makes me want to throw up) and I have heard her name a lot. I just can't believe it. They've been married for 35+ years.

Also: before the anti-snooping people come out, 1. I really don't feel like I snooped. It was completely honest and even though there were DOZENS of emails I barely read two sentences before I closed out. I want to throw my laptop out the window, ugh. 2., He freely and willingly shares his login and password with me (and my sister!) to watch HBO GO so I am shocked this is happening in a place we can so easily access.

Of course he's an adult, we're all adults, but I am so worried about my mom in this. If they get divorced, she will be so screwed. He's in biglaw, she's a special ed teacher. They have a mortgage, my dad's student loans, CC debt... there is no way my mom would be able to hire a lawyer, let alone survive financially if they got a divorce. Do I talk to him about it? Warn my mom? Send an anonymous email? This just happened like 10 minutes ago so I am completely freaking out. Help please.

[Anonymous]

Troll.

If he is in Biglaw, and has adult children, he should not have student loans.

[Anonymous]

You should have forwarded that email to your mom's email and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

If he is in Biglaw, and has adult children, he should not have student loans.

+1. That was the first thing that popped out at me too.

[Anonymous]

If Dad can afford a side piece, he can afford a divorce. Tell your mother and you all gang up on Viagra Dad.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is being very careless by leaving these emails where they can be so easily seen by his kids. Is this a cowardly way of giving his children a heads up as to what is going on...while continuing to keep his their mom in the dark until he is ready to drop the bomb on her?

Forward the email.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you know and tell him to stop it.

It's either her or you ... make him choose.

See who he cares about more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you know and tell him to stop it.

It's either her or you ... make him choose.

See who he cares about more.

Its not that he will care about "her" more, its that he cares about himself more. The AP is incidental, its all on him.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Tell your father that HE (not YOU) must tell your mother. Give him a deadline of 24 or 48 hours. After that, tell him that you have the email (even if you don't) and will forward it to your mom. Also tell him that you will inform his employer since I'm sure the firm has a policy against fraternization, especially between partners and secretaries. Note that your dad will not blink about you telling your mom but he WILL get off his keister and be honest with your mom if you threaten his job.

But the whole point is that HE should be the one to tell your mom, not you.

You don't say much about your parents financial situation and who contributes what. Usually, though, it is the wife who is the lower wage earner (if she is employed at all outside the home) and also the person who is most at risk for serious financial harm. So while this is all happening, make sure your mom has a separate bank account from your father, separate credit cards, be ready to help her re-key the locks on the house, etc. You may also want to research good divorce attorneys for your mom. She may be completely unknowing about the affair and could be totally devastated by this so you don't want him to take advantage of the situation and leave her in dire straits. Also, see if you can get the email so that your mom can use it when she petitions for divorce. She can use it to substantiate her claims against him.

Again, I'm sorry for your troubles. Please do your best to make your father to be honest with your mother and to leave you out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you know and tell him to stop it.

It's either her or you ... make him choose.

See who he cares about more.

Its not that he will care about "her" more, its that he cares about himself more. The AP is incidental, its all on him.

If he is careless enough to leave these emails where his kids can see them, then you can about bet that he is being careless in other ways, too.

Forward the email and let your mom decide what, if anything, she wants to do about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I wish I could rewind time to an hour ago before I found this. My heart is aching. I am not a troll. My dad has loans because my parents lived way above their means and had too many kids (5) while alsohelping out with some of my siblings' student loans. They are underwater on their house and already in a bad place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

If he is in Biglaw, and has adult children, he should not have student loans.

+1. That was the first thing that popped out at me too.

+2
Troll fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this happened to you.

Tell your father that HE (not YOU) must tell your mother. Give him a deadline of 24 or 48 hours. After that, tell him that you have the email (even if you don't) and will forward it to your mom. Also tell him that you will inform his employer since I'm sure the firm has a policy against fraternization, especially between partners and secretaries. Note that your dad will not blink about you telling your mom but he WILL get off his keister and be honest with your mom if you threaten his job.

But the whole point is that HE should be the one to tell your mom, not you.

You don't say much about your parents financial situation and who contributes what. Usually, though, it is the wife who is the lower wage earner (if she is employed at all outside the home) and also the person who is most at risk for serious financial harm. So while this is all happening, make sure your mom has a separate bank account from your father, separate credit cards, be ready to help her re-key the locks on the house, etc. You may also want to research good divorce attorneys for your mom. She may be completely unknowing about the affair and could be totally devastated by this so you don't want him to take advantage of the situation and leave her in dire straits. Also, see if you can get the email so that your mom can use it when she petitions for divorce. She can use it to substantiate her claims against him.

Again, I'm sorry for your troubles. Please do your best to make your father to be honest with your mother and to leave you out of it.

I would not try to "handle" this for Mom that seems really condescending. Isn't it her life, her marriage, her husband? Op's dad screwed up and laid his dirty laundry out for his kids to see. He is clearly not being above board and honest with Op's mom. That's wrong of him and Op is under absolutely no obligation to keep this a secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I wish I could rewind time to an hour ago before I found this. My heart is aching. I am not a troll. My dad has loans because my parents lived way above their means and had too many kids (5) while alsohelping out with some of my siblings' student loans. They are underwater on their house and already in a bad place.

Forward the email and let your mom decide what she wants to do about it. She might choose to ignore it and pretend that she never saw it. She might choose to get counseling with her husband and try to save their marriage. She might consult with a divorce attorney to figure out how to best protect herself from an impending divorce. But do not try to decide these things for her. She is the one who will have to live with this.

Dad was careless and that carelessness comes with consequences. Op this is not your burden. Expecting you to keep this knowledge a secret or for you to make it all better for your mom is not fair or realistic.

This mess is between your parents and it is up to them to handle it. I am really sorry that this has happened.

[Anonymous]

I'm going in a different direction. It's not your marriage. Your mom either knows, suspects, or doesn't care. MYOB, or at best tell your dad to be more careful with his email. It's never your place to blow up someone else's marriage.