Discovered my dad is cheating on my mom - WWYD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I took screenshots of the most recent ones if/when I tell him to fess up or if I need to tell my mom. I am absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know how I'll be able to look at him the same way again.

Of course you can't look at him the same way again. I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I'm trying to think this out logically. I have three choices (I think, let me know if you think of more):

1. Tell dad I know and tell him to tell mom.

He could deny it (but I screenshotted the emails), he could blow up and cut everyone off/basically go nuclear, he could be remorseful and try to fix things with my mom, he could get a divorce but nut nuclear.

2. Tell mom

She could divorce him first but it would be so bad for her financially, she could try to forgive him (opening her self up to divorce in the future?) or do nothing with the info

3. I do nothing

Maybe dad will end the affair on his own? I don't know. Mom may know and may want to keep it secret, this wouldn't embarrass her. If mom found out and divorced later and it somehow got out that I knew, it might ruin our relationship.

My husband says to do nothing, because they're adults and I don't know all the details. Maybe mom is condoning it, or at least looking the other way?

Another option (but probably popped into my head because I'm going a little crazy right now) is to be passive aggressive about him knowing. Talking to him about my "affair" (DH and I love each other very much this isn't real) but then telling him about the guilt and "if I were being cheated on I'd want to know." That sounds so immature typing it out now, haha!

Or I could anonymously email parties involved?

I need to sleep on this and think more clearly tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should tell. It's not your place. Maybe everyone is happy with the situation.

Op wouldn't be telling her mom. She would simply be forwarding an email. I suppose if everyone is happy with the situation then it follows that Mom wouldn't be blindsided by this email. Mom can be the one to scold dad for not being more discrete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm trying to think this out logically. I have three choices (I think, let me know if you think of more):

1. Tell dad I know and tell him to tell mom.

He could deny it (but I screenshotted the emails), he could blow up and cut everyone off/basically go nuclear, he could be remorseful and try to fix things with my mom, he could get a divorce but nut nuclear.

2. Tell mom

She could divorce him first but it would be so bad for her financially, she could try to forgive him (opening her self up to divorce in the future?) or do nothing with the info

3. I do nothing

Maybe dad will end the affair on his own? I don't know. Mom may know and may want to keep it secret, this wouldn't embarrass her. If mom found out and divorced later and it somehow got out that I knew, it might ruin our relationship.

My husband says to do nothing, because they're adults and I don't know all the details. Maybe mom is condoning it, or at least looking the other way?

Another option (but probably popped into my head because I'm going a little crazy right now) is to be passive aggressive about him knowing. Talking to him about my "affair" (DH and I love each other very much this isn't real) but then telling him about the guilt and "if I were being cheated on I'd want to know." That sounds so immature typing it out now, haha!

Or I could anonymously email parties involved?

I need to sleep on this and think more clearly tomorrow.

Op - I do not think that you should step in and attempt to talk to your parents about this. This is their marriage and they are truly the ones that need to work this out.

If your husband was cheating on you, would you want people that you loved and trusted whispering about it behind your back and trying to figure out how best to handle it all for you. To me, that would be awful and quite honestly as much a betrayal as the affair itself. But that is me.

[Anonymous]

When I was in HD/college I found out -- or heavily suspected -- that my dad had had an affair. I immediately put down the letter I had accidentally found and walked away. Thought about it from time to time since then (20 odd years) and found out recently from my mom that yes, he had (and she had a revenge affair)

I'm very glad I did not confront him or my mom. They are still married. They have persevered. They love each other. I can tell that. They must have had some rough years. I was unaware at the time (or maybe I've blocked them out?).

Back away slowly. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

^That is why I have suggested simply forwarding the email to your mom. Let her see the evidence with her own eyes and let her figure out how she wants to deal with it.

If your dad gives you any cr*p about forwarding the email, point out that his indiscretion left you very little choice and that you wish that he had not been so careless because that is not something that you ever wanted to know about him.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters are abusive, sex with the secretary is the least of your problems.

You need to tell your dad he needs to clean his sh*t up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters are abusive, sex with the secretary is the least of your problems.

You need to tell your dad he needs to clean his sh*t up.

And Dad will magically become a stand up guy? I say give Mom a heads up, give her irrefutable proof that something is going on (it isn't just in her head/she isn't crazy) and give her time to get an exit plan in place in case he suddenly decides to serve her with divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

My dad was having an affair as I was an adult. Of course you should tell your mom. She can get a good lawyer. Better to be happy alone than with a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm trying to think this out logically. I have three choices (I think, let me know if you think of more):

1. Tell dad I know and tell him to tell mom.

He could deny it (but I screenshotted the emails), he could blow up and cut everyone off/basically go nuclear, he could be remorseful and try to fix things with my mom, he could get a divorce but nut nuclear.

2. Tell mom

She could divorce him first but it would be so bad for her financially, she could try to forgive him (opening her self up to divorce in the future?) or do nothing with the info

3. I do nothing

Maybe dad will end the affair on his own? I don't know. Mom may know and may want to keep it secret, this wouldn't embarrass her. If mom found out and divorced later and it somehow got out that I knew, it might ruin our relationship.

My husband says to do nothing, because they're adults and I don't know all the details. Maybe mom is condoning it, or at least looking the other way?

Another option (but probably popped into my head because I'm going a little crazy right now) is to be passive aggressive about him knowing. Talking to him about my "affair" (DH and I love each other very much this isn't real) but then telling him about the guilt and "if I were being cheated on I'd want to know." That sounds so immature typing it out now, haha!

Or I could anonymously email parties involved?

I need to sleep on this and think more clearly tomorrow.

Tell your mom. I would want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Op - I do not think that you should step in and attempt to talk to your parents about this. This is their marriage and they are truly the ones that need to work this out.

If your husband was cheating on you, would you want people that you loved and trusted whispering about it behind your back and trying to figure out how best to handle it all for you. To me, that would be awful and quite honestly as much a betrayal as the affair itself. But that is me.

OP again. But if my husband was cheating on me and somebody knew, I would want to find out! Also, I really do not think my mom suspects anything. The email I saw today had a feeling of sneaking around ("went to the store but she wanted to come, Damn!")

I am leaning toward doing nothing. But my heart hurts so much for my mom.

I thought of another option - I tell my dad I was accidentally able access his email on the HBO app a few days ago and he should change the password for his privacy, because I'm getting my own subscription soon. Maybe that will plant the seed in his mind that his email was accessible and that I may know something, but nothing outright and see what he says. Is that also too psycho? God this sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op - I do not think that you should step in and attempt to talk to your parents about this. This is their marriage and they are truly the ones that need to work this out.

If your husband was cheating on you, would you want people that you loved and trusted whispering about it behind your back and trying to figure out how best to handle it all for you. To me, that would be awful and quite honestly as much a betrayal as the affair itself. But that is me.

OP again. But if my husband was cheating on me and somebody knew, I would want to find out! Also, I really do not think my mom suspects anything. The email I saw today had a feeling of sneaking around ("went to the store but she wanted to come, Damn!")

I am leaning toward doing nothing. But my heart hurts so much for my mom.

I thought of another option - I tell my dad I was accidentally able access his email on the HBO app a few days ago and he should change the password for his privacy, because I'm getting my own subscription soon. Maybe that will plant the seed in his mind that his email was accessible and that I may know something, but nothing outright and see what he says. Is that also too psycho? God this sucks.

I think you should send the screen shots to your mom. I do not think that you should step in and try to referee this thing between your parents. It is their marriage, let them decide what they want to do about it.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mother. Do NOT tell your father what you have seen. Allow your mother to absorb this info and give her the upper hand which she deserves. Maybe she will confront him or see a lawyer or cash out all of the savings accounts. Your mom needs to think this over without pressure from your attorney dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your mother. Do NOT tell your father what you have seen. Allow your mother to absorb this info and give her the upper hand which she deserves. Maybe she will confront him or see a lawyer or cash out all of the savings accounts. Your mom needs to think this over without pressure from your attorney dad.

This.

[Anonymous]

Do you think I should send them from my email or an anonymous one? I just don't want it to be like my mom goes to him and says "look what (OP) sent to me!!" And I'm inadvertently put in the middle.

I'm so scared my (now damaged but still in tact) relationship with my parents will be destroyed if they know it was me.