Discovered my dad is cheating on my mom - WWYD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

If he is in Biglaw, and has adult children, he should not have student loans.

+1. That was the first thing that popped out at me too.

Yup, same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

If he is in Biglaw, and has adult children, he should not have student loans.

+1. That was the first thing that popped out at me too.

Yup, same.

Please stop. I am not a lawyer so maybe I'm not using the term "biglaw" properly? My parents live in the south and my dad makes probably about $200k. He is not a partner and doesn't want to be (he wanted a better work/life balance) so maybe that's where I'm tripping up. He went to GU Law. I'm also fudging the details a little bit because you never know who's out there.

Now that is done, do you have any advice for me?

[Anonymous]

I went through something very similar.

First, OP, just wait a week or two before you do or say anything. Just let yourself be still with the information and have time to think about your next steps and the next right thing to do.

In my case, I decided to write my dad to make him aware of how careless he is being with his technology. I also let him know that I did not think it was my place to tell my mom and I hoped he would do what was right. Fast forward six months, my relationship with my dad is hard. I never call him anymore. I call my mom's cell instead of the house phone so I'm sure I'll get her and I only see him when we are at family gatherings. It's starting to get a little more normal but I don't think we'll ever have the same relationship which is incredibly sad to me.

Thinking of you, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through something very similar.

First, OP, just wait a week or two before you do or say anything. Just let yourself be still with the information and have time to think about your next steps and the next right thing to do.

In my case, I decided to write my dad to make him aware of how careless he is being with his technology. I also let him know that I did not think it was my place to tell my mom and I hoped he would do what was right. Fast forward six months, my relationship with my dad is hard. I never call him anymore. I call my mom's cell instead of the house phone so I'm sure I'll get her and I only see him when we are at family gatherings. It's starting to get a little more normal but I don't think we'll ever have the same relationship which is incredibly sad to me.

Thinking of you, OP

Does your mom know about his affair or is she still in the dark and now wondering why you and your dad are acting so weird around each other.

Honestly, that kind of gas lighting would be enough to make a person question their sanity.

[Anonymous]

You should tell your mom and let her decide what to do. It's her life. She's the one at risk for an STD. She's the one probably being whispered about at office functions.

Her life - her choice. But you absolutely must provide her with the pertinent information so that she can make an informed choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think I should send them from my email or an anonymous one? I just don't want it to be like my mom goes to him and says "look what (OP) sent to me!!" And I'm inadvertently put in the middle.

I'm so scared my (now damaged but still in tact) relationship with my parents will be destroyed if they know it was me.

Send from an anonymous one I guess. I hate to even suggest that but she deserves to know about this and, at the same time, she should not feel pressured into acting in a certain way just because "the kids know". It is enough that she knows and does what is right for her. Her grown kids will manage no matter what she decides to do.

Just stay close and keep an eye on her. Be ready and willing to fess up that you were the one who sent the screen shot to her.

You could also send from your email and just say "I am sorry to say that I ran across this email in error. I haven't read it all but I saw enough to think that you should know about this. I know this is between you and Dad. Just want you to know that I love you and I am here for you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous letters are stupid.

[Anonymous]

Wouldn't mom be more embarrassed or upset that her daughter knows about dad's infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't mom be more embarrassed or upset that her daughter knows about dad's infidelity?

Wouldn't mom rather find out than be kept ignorant and later find out when she tests positive for an STD?

OP, tell dad; show the screen shots you took; tell him that you have to assume his huge carelessness means either he wanted to get caught or he is so arrogant that he figured no one else would ever call him out. End with, "You've cheated not just on mom but on us as a family. I can't unlearn what I've learned, and I believe mom needs to know, at a minimum because you have put her at risk for STDs. You can tell her yourself before (date) but after that day I will tell her myself if you have not. This isn't a discussion or a negotiation. Either you tell her or I tell her but either way she knows."

Script it out and practice before you face him. Don't let him convince you you're imagining things.

You may have to add that if he tries to screw your mom financially you will have to let his lover know their cover is blown and both of them will discover their law firm is aware if how they've abused work travel or whatever. Some law partners wouldn't care but maybe his would....

[Anonymous]

So a bit OT but I have to say, I think its easier to know if your parent is a cheater (well, if they are chronic, if its a one time thing I honestly think the kids have zero right to know that shit) when you are younger. Its easier to deal with a parent you know is seriously flawed and build a relationship accordingly rather than have decades and decades to fall from grace. Obvi, not having a parent who is unfaithful is ideal but I see a lot of posts about very, very grown people getting rocked by these discoveries to their core. I mean it was no picnic to figure this out at 17 (my mom wouldn't talk about it directly until we were older, she was really a great example of knowing when is right/ what is too much info) and my sister was maybe 16 a couple years later when it was obvious for her too, but in some ways it was easier to get passed to process that before you have your "adult peer" stage of parental relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't mom be more embarrassed or upset that her daughter knows about dad's infidelity?

More angry that her H put his own daughter in this situation and that her daughter now has a father she will never respect.

[Anonymous]

This isn't your story and you shouldn't insert yourself. If you want to say something to your dad, that's separate. You should not insert yourself in their relationship.

If it's bothering you, see a therapist, work through your issues with it, but it's not your place to disrupt their marriage or determine how this comes out.

No good ever comes from being the messenger.

[Anonymous]

OP, before you saw that email, how would you have described your parents' marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your story and you shouldn't insert yourself. If you want to say something to your dad, that's separate. You should not insert yourself in their relationship.

If it's bothering you, see a therapist, work through your issues with it, but it's not your place to disrupt their marriage or determine how this comes out.

No good ever comes from being the messenger.

If Op had instead found an email that indicated that her dad had a huge gambling problem that could destroy her mother financially or that her dad had a major drug addiction or that he was plotting to kill someone....should Op stay out of it and not insert herself into her dad's business?

I don't think so. Op has learned something sad and troubling about her dad that could have some very major negative impacts on her mom. Mom is standing on the tracks and the train is barreling towards her - of course Op should mention this to her mom.

[Anonymous]

I've decided I'm going to send all the screenshots to my mom anonymously. I'm going to do it on Friday so she can use the weekend to process and think about her options before going back to work.

I believe that if I talked to my dad he would be remorseful that I found out (only that he got caught) but not about the affair itself. I also worry he would downplay what was really happening. My mom needs to see the truth about what he was saying and planning to do with the AP because it directly impacts my mom. There are emails talking about their plan to move to the NE together and about selling my childhood home and how long it might be on the market, about renting out her apartment, etc. This isn't a flig or an emotional affair. This is real and my mom needs to know.