No food at ILs

[Anonymous]

My ILs are sweet, but here I am on yet another visit, and WE ARE STARVING!

FIL doesn't cook at all, and is accustomed to MIL's behaviors and routines. MIL has a complex relationship with food/eating; DH even suspects she has an eating disorder.

MIL will cook a "big brunch" (really just a very standard breakfast at *7:30 a.m.,* and then says we don't need lunch because we had brunch. Then dinner is super early, is very sparse, and then "the kitchen is closed" with dishwasher running at 7 p.m. If anyone gets in the kitchen after hours or between meals, "Who's in there? What's going on? What do you need? Are you eating again?" I just can't take the judgment/scrutiny.

We're freaking hungry, again. And no, we can't bring our own food without tons of guilt trips and observation and commentary.

Any advice? Anyone been through this?

[Anonymous]

Don't stay with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have the exact same problem. This time I packed food in my suitcase and have been secretly eating upstairs. Tomorrow, I am sneaking the evidence out (i.e. wrappers).

[Anonymous]

Tell DH that during the visit he takes you out for lunch and dinner. If not, don't visit.

Who is the we that are hungry? Is DH afraid to tell his parents he, or his family, is hungry?

[Anonymous]

Stay at an hotel and go out to eat.

But more importantly, stand up for yourself.

"We are hungry, we are going to eat. Active people eat three meals a day."

Then do not engage or respond to anything she says.

[Anonymous]

Bring provisios, go out.

[Anonymous]

Provisions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are sweet, but here I am on yet another visit, and WE ARE STARVING!

FIL doesn't cook at all, and is accustomed to MIL's behaviors and routines. MIL has a complex relationship with food/eating; DH even suspects she has an eating disorder.

MIL will cook a "big brunch" (really just a very standard breakfast at *7:30 a.m.,* and then says we don't need lunch because we had brunch. Then dinner is super early, is very sparse, and then "the kitchen is closed" with dishwasher running at 7 p.m. If anyone gets in the kitchen after hours or between meals, "Who's in there? What's going on? What do you need? Are you eating again?" I just can't take the judgment/scrutiny.

We're freaking hungry, again. And no, we can't bring our own food without tons of guilt trips and observation and commentary.

Any advice? Anyone been through this?

You're adults. And food is a basic need. So be an adult and take care of your needs.

1. Get over the judgment and scrutiny. You need to eat. So what if she asks. She'll get over it. Make DH run interference.
2. Leave and go get something eat. "We're headed out for a bit. See you!"
3. Go to the grocery store and buy food. "Just picked up a few things."
4. Don't stay there.

This isn't that difficult, but you're making it difficult. Stop enabling this weird behavior and making this dramatic. Just eat.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why you put up with that crap. So she tries to guilt you--so what? Don't accept it! Bring your own food, don't hide it, put it in the kitchen, cook it yourself! Don't go along with crazy.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you?

[Anonymous]

Agree – don't stay with her anymore. But I think your husband needs to have a talk with your mom, and explain that you both are often hungry at her house, and feel scrutinized whenever you go into the kitchen to get food. He could go on to say that you need to have a regular lunch and a more filling dinner, and that you realize that your need for this may place a burden on her. So that therefore, you'll continue to enjoy spending time with them, but the two of you will manage your own meals.

Having written this, I can see that it's going to open up a huge can of worms. But I think being straight and direct about your needs, and not compromising or let her continue to control your food and eating habits when you stay with with her or visit her is important.

[Anonymous]

When we'd visit ILs for the day there was only junk to eat as MIL never cooks. Crackers, cheese, bread, donuts. I learned to never go there expecting to eat.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't stay there.

[Anonymous]

Brunch is supposed to be in between the hours of breakfast and lunch. Thus a 7:30am meal is breakfast and NOT brunch.

I'd take the family out for lunch. Then i'd order a pizza for dinner. And I'd say "We eat three meals a day. If you don't want to join us for them, that's okay, but we're eating three meals a day."

[Anonymous]

Who's in there?

Hey, it's me.

What's going on?

I'm making a snack.

What do you need?

Food. I'm hungry. Don't worry though, I'm making it myself.

Are you eating again?

Of course, I haven't eaten since 9am. Why aren't you eating? Should I be worried about you? Do you have an eating disorder? I know someone with an eating disorder and she didn't eat for 8 hours at a time either... maybe I could ask for a recommendation for an eating disorder therapist? I'm sure she'd know someone good around here... (etc)


I just can't take the judgment/scrutiny.

She's the one with an issue. Not you. Put the judgement back on her.

And if she says anything beyond the above, just say that food is necessary for life, and if it's not possible to eat the way normal people eat while you're in her house then you guys will have to decline visits in future. And maybe you guys can all just meet for a visit at the museum or something where people don't have to eat and so her eating disorder won't be an issue.