Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dramatic much? I have been having an affair for seven years with a guy who is open about the fact his marriage is pretty good, other than the infrequent, low passion sex. He never even said he doesn't get sex from his wife. Neither of us want to leave our spouses in general, and we do not want to be married to each other. We both find the sex and friendship worthwhile and gives us somethings we don't get in our marriages. We have five kids between us. I don't see how it would be better to be transparent and blow up two families than to continue seeing each other. We haven't seen each other since early March, so it's not like we can't live without each other.

Your spouses would be having passionate sex if they were having affairs too. It's the nature of affairs. Do you not understand that?

Long-term marriages NEED WORK. They need time and investment. If they go stale over time, you don't bail and screw somebody else. See a therapist, INVEST THE TIME AND GO TO THE HOTELS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE--not some other MARRIED PERSON.

And, yes, those five kids will not take it when they find out their mother and father are screwing other people behind their beloved parent's back.

You are selfish. Completely.

Look, my DH had a longtime AP. You need to know that children don't give a damn about their parents affair, especially young children. They just don't. If you are a wronged spouse and you're counting on your children to be "in your court", don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Big guy, when your wife’s friends or family decide to beat the crap out of your AP or shave her hair off like the op described—are you going to come running to AP’s defense ? What if they toilet paper her house and car with “whore” signs? Or are you just using AP for sex and couldn’t care?

Just trying to figure out where your loyalty would be in that situation.

I’m dying to hear the answer to this one ....

He doesn’t think she has it in her own. He counts on her being weak/meek.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Just another perspective - my DH had a multi-year affair. When it came to light, it never occurred to me to confront his AP or get violent with her in any way. She just isn't important that way.

Everyone is different. Everyone will react differently. How any single person will react to that kind of news is unpredictable.

That’s a risk people take when they cheat.

[Anonymous]

Go into it with assumption that the betrayed spouse will in fact destroy your life and haunt you for the rest of it. Tell everyone that knows you.

If you are willing to take that risk and the risk your spouse will divorce you when he/she tells them, then by all means play ball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with assumption that the betrayed spouse will in fact destroy your life and haunt you for the rest of it. Tell everyone that knows you.

If you are willing to take that risk and the risk your spouse will divorce you when he/she tells them, then by all means play ball.

You seriously overestimate how much people care. Adultery is common. A betrayed spouse has very little power to "destroy your life" simply because the number of people who'd care is very, very small. Like her parents+sister small. Seriously. Nobody cares. A betrayed spouse who tells "everyone that knows you" makes herself look pathetic and small. You have no idea how little people care. I mean he can get divorced today, remarry tomorrow and five years from now no one will remember. Get some perspective. I say this as a wronged spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with assumption that the betrayed spouse will in fact destroy your life and haunt you for the rest of it. Tell everyone that knows you.

If you are willing to take that risk and the risk your spouse will divorce you when he/she tells them, then by all means play ball.

You seriously overestimate how much people care. Adultery is common. A betrayed spouse has very little power to "destroy your life" simply because the number of people who'd care is very, very small. Like her parents+sister small. Seriously. Nobody cares. A betrayed spouse who tells "everyone that knows you" makes herself look pathetic and small. You have no idea how little people care. I mean he can get divorced today, remarry tomorrow and five years from now no one will remember. Get some perspective. I say this as a wronged spouse.

You are wrong. Most people care. Like, the American people would never elect a man who cheated on his wife because they care too much, especially the conservatives. Just like how when Bill Clinton was caught, his approval ratings went down and he was thrown out of office his second term. And you never hear people chanting "tiger" anymore on the golf course, since he was shunned since the cheating.

Thus the bill to remove MLK Day from our national holiday line-up, since he was a notorious philanderer.

[Anonymous]

^ I think many people care and some don’t but there are enough people who care as evidenced by replies to cheaters on here for example. Also, people who cheat on spouses will often will “cheat” in other spheres of life as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Big guy, when your wife’s friends or family decide to beat the crap out of your AP or shave her hair off like the op described—are you going to come running to AP’s defense ? What if they toilet paper her house and car with “whore” signs? Or are you just using AP for sex and couldn’t care?

Just trying to figure out where your loyalty would be in that situation.

I’m dying to hear the answer to this one ....

He doesn’t think she has it in her own. He counts on her being weak/meek.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Just another perspective - my DH had a multi-year affair. When it came to light, it never occurred to me to confront his AP or get violent with her in any way. She just isn't important that way.

I read emails from my DH to his AP. I wouldn't waste my time exacting revenge. She was a delusional loser building some kind of big romantic fantasy in her head. I actually felt sorry for her that she would think a married man was a catch. It was pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with assumption that the betrayed spouse will in fact destroy your life and haunt you for the rest of it. Tell everyone that knows you.

If you are willing to take that risk and the risk your spouse will divorce you when he/she tells them, then by all means play ball.

You seriously overestimate how much people care. Adultery is common. A betrayed spouse has very little power to "destroy your life" simply because the number of people who'd care is very, very small. Like her parents+sister small. Seriously. Nobody cares. A betrayed spouse who tells "everyone that knows you" makes herself look pathetic and small. You have no idea how little people care. I mean he can get divorced today, remarry tomorrow and five years from now no one will remember. Get some perspective. I say this as a wronged spouse.

Not in my world. Then you need to find better people to surround yourself with. My bil's kids won't allow the AP to come to their home or be around their own kids. They've never been to his home. Another lady I know her 2 kids wrote the dad off after he left the family for the AP. Only one kid stayed in contact. He never saw his grand-kids either. Yes a lot of people are disgusted. I dumped a friend after finding out she was cheating on her wonderful husband. She ended up divorce and regretted what she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with assumption that the betrayed spouse will in fact destroy your life and haunt you for the rest of it. Tell everyone that knows you.

If you are willing to take that risk and the risk your spouse will divorce you when he/she tells them, then by all means play ball.

You seriously overestimate how much people care. Adultery is common. A betrayed spouse has very little power to "destroy your life" simply because the number of people who'd care is very, very small. Like her parents+sister small. Seriously. Nobody cares. A betrayed spouse who tells "everyone that knows you" makes herself look pathetic and small. You have no idea how little people care. I mean he can get divorced today, remarry tomorrow and five years from now no one will remember. Get some perspective. I say this as a wronged spouse.

You are wrong. Most people care. Like, the American people would never elect a man who cheated on his wife because they care too much, especially the conservatives. Just like how when Bill Clinton was caught, his approval ratings went down and he was thrown out of office his second term. And you never hear people chanting "tiger" anymore on the golf course, since he was shunned since the cheating.

Thus the bill to remove MLK Day from our national holiday line-up, since he was a notorious philanderer.

Haha. Even in America not many people care at all. Affairs in Europe and Asia are quite well accepted. Wake up and get a grip. Nobody cares who you have sex with.

[Anonymous]

^actually, many care, some don’t. In my world, many people would care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^actually, many care, some don’t. In my world, many people would care.

^^ Pearl clutching prude fantasy world: population = 1

[Anonymous]

^+1000
In my world, people would definitely care . . . where do people live that they think their friends would not care about a spouse destroying their spouse and family, let alone another spouse and family?

Also, to people who said kids don't care - that may be true about young kids WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG, but just read all over these threads about the teens and young adults who care a lot and hold resentment about the cheating parent and say that it damages their relationship forever, if they even speak to the cheating parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^+1000
In my world, people would definitely care . . . where do people live that they think their friends would not care about a spouse destroying their spouse and family, let alone another spouse and family?

Also, to people who said kids don't care - that may be true about young kids WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG, but just read all over these threads about the teens and young adults who care a lot and hold resentment about the cheating parent and say that it damages their relationship forever, if they even speak to the cheating parent.

I think you need therapy. A bit of sex does not “destroy the family”

[Anonymous]

DP. You definitely are the one in need of therapy if you think an affair is just a bit of sex that hurts nobody. It’s the way you justify your actions. If you have been blindsided and thrust into PTSD you would understand. It’s a worse feeling than a parent’s death. There are entire practices devoted to affair/infidelity PTSD. If you have a marriage where you do not live your spouse and it was a “settled” thing you did for finances or family/societal expectation, of course you would have zero empathy or idea how that feels when it’s done to you. And these aren’t situations where there is no sex at home, quite the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^+1000
In my world, people would definitely care . . . where do people live that they think their friends would not care about a spouse destroying their spouse and family, let alone another spouse and family?

Also, to people who said kids don't care - that may be true about young kids WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG, but just read all over these threads about the teens and young adults who care a lot and hold resentment about the cheating parent and say that it damages their relationship forever, if they even speak to the cheating parent.

+1,000,000