Reply to how could I have handled this better -- found self in argument with both DS, 3 and DH

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[quote=Anonymous]We drove 10 hours last week to spend some time at SIL's house....it was a long day and we were all tired. At one point when we're all getting ready to sit down for dinner, DS runs off to another part of the house, I go to find him and he starts shouting "go away, I don't want you!" It stings and I'm embarrassed as my ILs have frequently remarked over the past few years about how DS has such a strong preference for DH.

The parent favoritism has gotten significantly better after I dropped to 4 day/wk work schedule to have one solo day with him -- I have tried everything I can to improve bond, am the only one who takes DS to parks, playdates and any sort of class (music, swimming, gymnastics etc -- husband has never even met most of teachers for these classes). Even so, while we've seen some improvement, DS prefers DH most of the time.

Anyhow, on Friday night as we're getting ready for bed and DS is refusing to calm down, jumping out of bed, crawling under bed etc, I give him a hug to try to calm him -- "I don't want you to hug me." I stop, a few minutes later he lays down and I rub his back -- "I don't want you to rub my back."

Without missing a beat he turns to DH and says "daddy I want you to rub my back." DH immediately says sure and starts rubbing DS's back -- I'm both hurt and angry that DS is manipulating us like this and dh is letting him. I reach out and gently grab DH's arm to try to silently get his attention about what just happened in an attempt to try to convey that we're being played without saying it out loud so DS can hear. DH sits straight up and says "take your hands off me now." I pause in shock because now both DS and DH are angrily rejecting any attempt at physical contact with me -- DH repeats himself. "take your hands off me right now. we don't get physical with each other and you've just crossed a boundary in our relationship."

Words can't even express how angry this made me. First of all, in no way, shape or form, had I reached out in anger or aggression to DH --  my  grip on his arm was gentle and intended to catch his attention.

I lost it with both of them and said in probably one of the most hostile tones I've ever used in my life -- "take it up with a judge if you're concerned. I am sick of being treated poorly in this household and DS is rude to me because you are rude to me and your sh*Tbag father is rude to me." I then stood up, walked to a bed on the other side of the room and proceeded to stare at phone until I had time to calm down.

I'm not proud of it, but all of the above is true. DH confirms afterwards that I didn't grab him in a hard or aggressive manner, says he was exhausted after drive and spaced out and hadn't heard DS make rude comments to me beforehand re rubbing his back and didn't realize situation at hand. He insists I owe him an apology for not immediately removing my hand from his arm when he asked me to do so -- I am frankly just shocked that I apparently need to ask my husband to touch his arm, and think any delay in doing so stemmed from my being appalled at DH's reaction to my attempt to get help w/ DS behavior.

I have no idea how I could have better handled this situation while maintaining some dignity; except I obviously should have not made the comments about my FIL, true as they are. Help please.[/quote]

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