Should I stay in the marriage or should I divorce him?

[Anonymous]

Our marriage has deteriorated quickly after our child was born eight years ago. My husband used to be infatuated with me. Then he wanted to have a child and I acquiesced. I thought he would be a great dad. But he has taken jobs out of state (first out of necessity) and we have become estranged. It is not a priority for him to be with us. He spends only the weekends at home and schedules frequent business trips over the weekends, too. Our daughter adores him and is eager to spend time with him. When he is at home though he is tired and doesn't want to play with the kid. I always encourage him to spend time with her. When at home, he does not have to do anything else.

We have not shared a bedroom since our daughter was born. First so that I don't wake him up during the night feedings, etc. Then he didn't want me to move back to the bedroom, claiming that he feels constrained when he goes to the restroom at night, wakes up and reads newspapers on his cell phone, etc.

He reproaches me periodically in a wave of angry outbursts that we never have sex. Yet he has not hugged me for five years and has not kissed me since the birth of our daughter. (FWIW, I take care of myself, wear a size 6, dress well, etc.) Random strangers show more kindness toward me than my husband. For example, last year he and I were riding in a cab and when I got out to deal with something I hurt my feet and fell down. The cab driver got out and helped me back in the car. When we arrived home my husband wouldn't help me out of the car and wouldn't hold my arm on the steps of the house. Years before that, I tripped on a NYC sidewalk, tumbled down and hurt my knee very badly. I was lying on the sidewalk crying and my husband was standing beside me. He just tried to pull me up by hand. Strangers who were passing by knelt down beside me and called a cab.

Many times he dismisses my feelings and opinions. For example, in hindsight I realized that after the childbirth I had a massive postpartum depression. When I told him this, his reaction was a quick "all women have postpartum depression, no big deal."

A few years ago he asked me for an open marriage. I offered to divorce instead. Twice I told him to move out but he didn't want to.

He has no bad conscience about sleeping with other women. I used to love him until I found out a few years ago that he is sleeping with other women.

Yet all these years he wanted a second child, a son. I told him that I don't want to raise two children on my own, given that he said openly that he would not consider spending more time at home.

I realize that so far this all sounds very bad, and I guess it is. So why do I even consider staying in the marriage? Because of the money and the little time he does spend with our daughter. I feel that if we divorce now he would become estranged from our daughter. And he and I actually spend very little time together. After a divorce I'd have to deal with him probably almost as much as I do now.

But more important is the money. I work part-time. Given that I raise our daughter basically alone, I feel that it would not be beneficial for her if she were in after-care until 6:30. My husband and I both agree on that. If we divorced, I could buy only a one-bedroom condo (which is fine with me) and would have to work full-time (I don't want to do this until our daughter is in high school). There is little hope for alimony, because I am highly educated and in Virginia judges are very parsimonious in such cases.

On a larger scale, it is also a matter of principle to me. When we got married we both committed to a certain responsibility and each to do our own part. I took time off after the childbirth and took a low-paying part-time job after that. Had I stayed single with no kid, I would have continued to work full-time and not damaged my earning potential. I feel that we have signed up for a project (raise a family) and we should see it to the end.

But if we didn't have a child, I would have left him years ago. And I know that I will leave him as soon as our daughter is off to college. Most likely though, he will leave me before that when he takes up with another woman in a serious way.

It is sad that we force ourselves to such serious and self-esteem-damaging compromises for the sake of our children. If he were just a boyfriend, I would have left and forgotten him long ago.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him now. He broke his end of the project you signed up for.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. Please show your daughter that no relationship is better than what you have. What you have it detrimental to you and your daughter. If she was in a relationship like this, what would you tell her?

[Anonymous]

This is beyond sad. Please call a lawyer today. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

You are in a very favorable position for custody. People never get full custody, but I really think you could. There are no reasons to stay and a million to leave. Please trust me, life can be so much BETTER.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it's all about the money, maybe speak with a lawyer and see what you can expect in terms of alimony and child support until your daughter is in high school. You seem to think that you'd need to be solely responsible for her for the next 6 years, which simply isn't true. He doesn't get excused from his obligation to his child. Your situation sounds miserable, though if he's gone all the time, it doesn't sound like you have to see him that much anyway, so it could be worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage has deteriorated quickly after our child was born eight years ago. My husband used to be infatuated with me. Then he wanted to have a child and I acquiesced. I thought he would be a great dad. But he has taken jobs out of state (first out of necessity) and we have become estranged. It is not a priority for him to be with us. He spends only the weekends at home and schedules frequent business trips over the weekends, too. Our daughter adores him and is eager to spend time with him. When he is at home though he is tired and doesn't want to play with the kid. I always encourage him to spend time with her. When at home, he does not have to do anything else.

We have not shared a bedroom since our daughter was born. First so that I don't wake him up during the night feedings, etc. Then he didn't want me to move back to the bedroom, claiming that he feels constrained when he goes to the restroom at night, wakes up and reads newspapers on his cell phone, etc.

He reproaches me periodically in a wave of angry outbursts that we never have sex. Yet he has not hugged me for five years and has not kissed me since the birth of our daughter. (FWIW, I take care of myself, wear a size 6, dress well, etc.) Random strangers show more kindness toward me than my husband. For example, last year he and I were riding in a cab and when I got out to deal with something I hurt my feet and fell down. The cab driver got out and helped me back in the car. When we arrived home my husband wouldn't help me out of the car and wouldn't hold my arm on the steps of the house. Years before that, I tripped on a NYC sidewalk, tumbled down and hurt my knee very badly. I was lying on the sidewalk crying and my husband was standing beside me. He just tried to pull me up by hand. Strangers who were passing by knelt down beside me and called a cab.

Many times he dismisses my feelings and opinions. For example, in hindsight I realized that after the childbirth I had a massive postpartum depression. When I told him this, his reaction was a quick "all women have postpartum depression, no big deal."

A few years ago he asked me for an open marriage. I offered to divorce instead. Twice I told him to move out but he didn't want to.

He has no bad conscience about sleeping with other women. I used to love him until I found out a few years ago that he is sleeping with other women.

Yet all these years he wanted a second child, a son. I told him that I don't want to raise two children on my own, given that he said openly that he would not consider spending more time at home.

I realize that so far this all sounds very bad, and I guess it is. So why do I even consider staying in the marriage? Because of the money and the little time he does spend with our daughter. I feel that if we divorce now he would become estranged from our daughter. And he and I actually spend very little time together. After a divorce I'd have to deal with him probably almost as much as I do now.

But more important is the money. I work part-time. Given that I raise our daughter basically alone, I feel that it would not be beneficial for her if she were in after-care until 6:30. My husband and I both agree on that. If we divorced, I could buy only a one-bedroom condo (which is fine with me) and would have to work full-time (I don't want to do this until our daughter is in high school). There is little hope for alimony, because I am highly educated and in Virginia judges are very parsimonious in such cases.

On a larger scale, it is also a matter of principle to me. When we got married we both committed to a certain responsibility and each to do our own part. I took time off after the childbirth and took a low-paying part-time job after that. Had I stayed single with no kid, I would have continued to work full-time and not damaged my earning potential. I feel that we have signed up for a project (raise a family) and we should see it to the end.

But if we didn't have a child, I would have left him years ago. And I know that I will leave him as soon as our daughter is off to college. Most likely though, he will leave me before that when he takes up with another woman in a serious way.

It is sad that we force ourselves to such serious and self-esteem-damaging compromises for the sake of our children. If he were just a boyfriend, I would have left and forgotten him long ago.

Be honest. What would his legitimate complaints be about you? Before anybody gets divorced they should be brutally honest about themselves as well. It is a rare and valuable women that can own the defects they bring to a relationship. What does the man need or want that you can't or are unwilling to bring to the relationship ?

You listed your issues with him very well but they sound like symptoms of a deeper issue.

[Anonymous]

Get a full time job, so you will be in a position to support your daughter, then look into a divorce. You really are married in name only at this point.

[Anonymous]

Meh, I'd stay in the marriage and live a single woman's life. Leave that man be. Let him hang himself and feel the loneliness and contempt that is coming his way.

You say you take care of yourself? Well, notch that up a bit. Decorate your room and you like it. Get your hair done more frequently. Pilates, pilates, and barre. Join a club (anything: VIDA, bridge club, church club, ladies who lunch club, book club). Go on trips with your DD to NYC. Make magic for her while you can.

I was watching the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and explained to my children that, at that time, being a wife was a job. See how she dresses up every single day? (No yoga pants!) Yada, yada.

Well, if this marriage is your source of income, you can treat it as you would any other job. We've all had asshole bosses. No kisses since DD was born? Oh, yes, my dear, you have permission to divest yourself of the romantic notion of a companionate marriage and see it for the business it is. Separate bedrooms? Him sleeping around and asking for an open marriage? Solidify your position (name on deed, life insurance, pension, whatever) in case he makes a move toward divorce. Definitely start a secret account and make it your mission to grow it. Put in professional housecleaning and pocket that money. Clean the house yourself. Get a set amount for grocery shopping and buy yourself gift cards instead.

My XH was just as uncaring as yours, but meaner and by no means a provider. Getting him out was easier for this reason. I was the breadwinner and was living as a single mom anyway. He taught me I could do it on my own, so it shouldn't have been a surprise when I took action to do exactly that.

Just one perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are in a very favorable position for custody. People never get full custody, but I really think you could. There are no reasons to stay and a million to leave. Please trust me, life can be so much BETTER.

I did. Full physical and legal custody in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Be honest. What would his legitimate complaints be about you? Before anybody gets divorced they should be brutally honest about themselves as well. It is a rare and valuable women that can own the defects they bring to a relationship. What does the man need or want that you can't or are unwilling to bring to the relationship ?

You listed your issues with him very well but they sound like symptoms of a deeper issue.

OP here. Thanks for your replies.

To PP, yes, you are right, I also have to consider what I am lacking. Here is what my husband criticizes about me (all true):

- I have low sexual drive, he has a very high one (I didn't know this before the marriage because he never complained about the frequency).

- Since our child was born I don't have the same patience with him as before.

- He doesn't feel that I respect him.

- We have saved very little money so far because my grad school was very expensive and it's all paid for.

- I got conned by a contractor and we lost a significant amount of money (about to sue now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are in a very favorable position for custody. People never get full custody, but I really think you could. There are no reasons to stay and a million to leave. Please trust me, life can be so much BETTER.

I did. Full physical and legal custody in DC.

OP here. I am not sure what I would get out of full custody. I just want my daughter to feel like part of a family, with a loving and caring dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are in a very favorable position for custody. People never get full custody, but I really think you could. There are no reasons to stay and a million to leave. Please trust me, life can be so much BETTER.

I don't think he'd give a shit considering he is rarely home anyways... I bet OP doesn't want to do this because she thinks it would be rewarding her husband. OP is sticking around because of money - that is it. Everything else she says is BS. She is sticking around for money, period.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Speak to a lawyer to see if you can make the money work. This situation sounds beyond miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Be honest. What would his legitimate complaints be about you? Before anybody gets divorced they should be brutally honest about themselves as well. It is a rare and valuable women that can own the defects they bring to a relationship. What does the man need or want that you can't or are unwilling to bring to the relationship ?

You listed your issues with him very well but they sound like symptoms of a deeper issue.

OP here. Thanks for your replies.

To PP, yes, you are right, I also have to consider what I am lacking. Here is what my husband criticizes about me (all true):

- I have low sexual drive, he has a very high one (I didn't know this before the marriage because he never complained about the frequency).

- Since our child was born I don't have the same patience with him as before.

- He doesn't feel that I respect him.

- We have saved very little money so far because my grad school was very expensive and it's all paid for.

- I got conned by a contractor and we lost a significant amount of money (about to sue now).

You also mentioned that in retrospect, you believe you had very bad post-partum depression... Which, probably had a much larger affect than you think. Your husband probably has a lot of resentment towards you, that he may not have even really processed yet.

He probably avoided you while you were going through your issues, and it just became habit...