Should I stay in the marriage or should I divorce him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"If we didn't have a child, I would have left him years ago."

Your own words, OP. Please listen to yourself. You knew the answer before you ever asked random strangers here, so please have the confidence to listen to your gut.

Do not stay in the marriage just for your daughter. If you fear that divorcing will give her a bad example of a relationship, please be aware that staying in a marriage where the husband clearly cheats with zero remorse about it is a much worse example than divorcing and then modeling how a woman does not have to tolerate that kind of treatment. Of course you won't tell her now, in so many words, that daddy is a terrible husband and father. But in time she will figure it out and will understand that you did the right thing in not allowing yourself to be walked all over. She may be angry with you at first, especially if daddy tries to claim you are somehow wrong, but be strong -- stick to your decision, never say anything bad about dad but keep things neutral, and if you can, consider getting her some counseling if she has trouble with the divorce. But do not stay for her sake, or you show her that it's OK for a husband to cheat. You CAN do this.

Before you say a word to him, though, get a lawyer experienced in divorce and custody so DH can't screw you out of custody (if he gets vengeful). Be SURE you have at least some money that is only in your name, which he cannot access at all; and be sure you have things set up so he can't clear out bank accounts or shut down credit cards etc. You might need to go to your nearest Women's Center (look them up) or talk with your attorney about how to protect some assets -- if you think your DH would clear out funds to punish you.

OP here. Thanks for your input. I am horrified of the scenario that you have just described: going to a woman's shelter, lawyering up, the full-on war about custody, child support and alimony...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem very concerned about your daughter, which is laudable. But, you seem overly concerned about things that are not so important (aftercare) and under-concerned about things that are very importation (the long term impact of growing up in the relationship you describe).

My exDH cheated repeatedly, travelled often for work and was not engaged in the task of parenting. I felt, like you did, that he should be doing 50% of the work, because he agreed to having a child. But, you can't make a person be a good parent. When I considered ending the relationship, I really thought hard about the impact on my kids and what message I would be sending them if I stayed. I asked myself, if my daughter came to me and confided that she had a marriage like I did at that moment, would I advise her to stay? Was my life the kind of life I wanted her to have? Would I have been proud of my son if he grew up to be the kind of father his father was being? I couldn't answer yes to any of those questions, so end it.

Money has been tough, but my children and I are in a much better place. Looking back, I can see that had I focused on keeping an "intact" family for them in this circumstances, they would have been really messed up psychologically in ways that would have been difficult to prevent. Now we live in our own home, which is a healthy place for them. They still suffer from their father's choices, but that is largely compartmentalized and as they have grown older they are more able to protect themselves and decide on their own what kind of relationship they want to have.

OP here. Thanks for your input. Of course, I would be horrified if my daughter lived in a marriage like mine. But she too would be worse off if we divorced. I would be concerned about money all the time, stressed out, working late. Because I don't see my husband very often, I feel that the situation is at least bearable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are in a very favorable position for custody. People never get full custody, but I really think you could. There are no reasons to stay and a million to leave. Please trust me, life can be so much BETTER.

I did. Full physical and legal custody in DC.

OP here. I am not sure what I would get out of full custody. I just want my daughter to feel like part of a family, with a loving and caring dad.

But she doesn't have a loving and caring dad. Why would you think he would change out of the blue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem is he feels that you don't respect him and part of that may be the mismatch in sex drive. Women want to be loved and men want to be respected . When that dynamic breaks all those other symptoms you listed were resentment. You should talk to him very deeply and sincerely about respect, love and the deepest human desires. See what happens.

OP here. Thanks for your input. But if I tell him that I need to feel loved, that will not make him love me. Same the other way around. I actually show him a lot of respect. I always listen to his work issues, say that he did a good job, that he shouldn't sell himself short, etc.

Yes, he hates me, I guess mostly because of the sexual discrepancy. I can literally feel the anger and hatred. This affects his relationship with our daughter, too. He says that I am too lenient with her and she should simply do as told, while I say that it is important to explain the reasons to her and sometimes even give her some slack.

PP here. You sound like a really wonderful person. I'm a male btw. You seem really nice and self reflective. Wow.

OP here. Thanks, PP. I haven't heard that in a long time.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Honestly, now at this late stage I feel that I can hardly hold him to monogamy if I myself don't wish to sleep with him anymore. Of course, this situation could have been prevented at an earlier stage. I believe now that he started sleeping around during my pregnancy (I saw condoms that he couldn't explain).

[Anonymous]

Op do what I said. There is no downside. Have a sincere and loving duscussion with your husband about love , respect and both of your deepest desires. He's going to be a part of your life forever no matter what happens. Show him you care about him , which you do at the very least because he is your daughters father. Even if you get divorced it could be on terms where you still look after each other due to mutual respect and for the wellbeing of your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP please ignore any poster that wants to explore what you did to make your husband sleep with other women and yell at you angrily that he's not getting enough sex from you, never mind he has not behaved tenderly toward you in years.

If he hit you would you listen to someone who was like, 'be honest. It's not good that he hit you, but what issues did you cause that led to this?'

Maybe it takes one to no one and I have been there, but this is more severe emotional abuse than I've heard of in a while.

OP here. I don't mind at all the question what I did wrong, on the contrary. It always takes two people to make or break a relationship.

Either you are a troll or this situation is even sadder than I thought.

[Anonymous]

People who simplify life's problems are kidding themselves .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Meh, I'd stay in the marriage and live a single woman's life. Leave that man be. Let him hang himself and feel the loneliness and contempt that is coming his way.

You say you take care of yourself? Well, notch that up a bit. Decorate your room and you like it. Get your hair done more frequently. Pilates, pilates, and barre. Join a club (anything: VIDA, bridge club, church club, ladies who lunch club, book club). Go on trips with your DD to NYC. Make magic for her while you can.

I was watching the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and explained to my children that, at that time, being a wife was a job. See how she dresses up every single day? (No yoga pants!) Yada, yada.

Well, if this marriage is your source of income, you can treat it as you would any other job. We've all had asshole bosses. No kisses since DD was born? Oh, yes, my dear, you have permission to divest yourself of the romantic notion of a companionate marriage and see it for the business it is. Separate bedrooms? Him sleeping around and asking for an open marriage? Solidify your position (name on deed, life insurance, pension, whatever) in case he makes a move toward divorce. Definitely start a secret account and make it your mission to grow it. Put in professional housecleaning and pocket that money. Clean the house yourself. Get a set amount for grocery shopping and buy yourself gift cards instead.

My XH was just as uncaring as yours, but meaner and by no means a provider. Getting him out was easier for this reason. I was the breadwinner and was living as a single mom anyway. He taught me I could do it on my own, so it shouldn't have been a surprise when I took action to do exactly that.

Just one perspective.

That scenario is unbridled rage refined into a never ending movie script. It would surely destroy your life.

[Anonymous]

OP--you need to have more sex with your husband. Your low sex drive is absolutely killing your relationship. You also need to get a job, since your kid is 8 yo. You don't have a newborn or a toddler requiring constant care. It appears to me you're wasting your education and just making excuses for yourself. Your husband wants a normal functioning adult to share his life with and you don't sound like one. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it! I would be pissed if my DH would waste his talent and a degree I helped pay for and decides to be stay at home dad instead. You have too much time on your hands and instead of "complaining", you could be "doing". 8-month pregnant WAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--you need to have more sex with your husband. Your low sex drive is absolutely killing your relationship. You also need to get a job, since your kid is 8 yo. You don't have a newborn or a toddler requiring constant care. It appears to me you're wasting your education and just making excuses for yourself. Your husband wants a normal functioning adult to share his life with and you don't sound like one. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it! I would be pissed if my DH would waste his talent and a degree I helped pay for and decides to be stay at home dad instead. You have too much time on your hands and instead of "complaining", you could be "doing". 8-month pregnant WAHM.

Agree! I mean, why would he spend time with his daughter when you're not even screwing him?? What, do you need a break, you're not even working! Afraid of contracting an STD? Stop making excuses for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--you need to have more sex with your husband. Your low sex drive is absolutely killing your relationship. You also need to get a job, since your kid is 8 yo. You don't have a newborn or a toddler requiring constant care. It appears to me you're wasting your education and just making excuses for yourself. Your husband wants a normal functioning adult to share his life with and you don't sound like one. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it! I would be pissed if my DH would waste his talent and a degree I helped pay for and decides to be stay at home dad instead. You have too much time on your hands and instead of "complaining", you could be "doing". 8-month pregnant WAHM.

OP here. I do work part-time (in my profession), so that I can pick up my daughter at 3. On the days when I have late meetings, events, etc, I put her in after-care and she clearly does not cope well.

Regarding the sex, I am not keen on STDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are in a very favorable position for custody. People never get full custody, but I really think you could. There are no reasons to stay and a million to leave. Please trust me, life can be so much BETTER.

I did. Full physical and legal custody in DC.

OP here. I am not sure what I would get out of full custody. I just want my daughter to feel like part of a family, with a loving and caring dad.

Does she have that now? It doesn't sound to me that what you're describing is a loving and caring dad situation.

Also, I think - just being brutally honest here - that if your child is already 8, then your desire to not work till she's in high school is indulgent and has probably screwed you financially and with regard to power dynamics in your marriage. You could have got a full-time job on an actual career trajectory and not cling to your husband for money as you do now. You are choosing to keep yourself in an underling position for no good reason. At least be honest with yourself that you are conceding to a humiliating, unsatisfactory marriage for no other reason but to indulge your fancy to not work. Millions of children are in aftercare every day and are none the worse for the wear. How many shit sandwiches are you wiling to eat and smile, telling yourself, at least I don't have to worry about money?

[Anonymous]

Divorce!!! I feel like you're on the road to a break down. Never touched, never kissed, dh never around and he cheats on you?? What the hell are you even staying for? He's not even a good father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are in a very favorable position for custody. People never get full custody, but I really think you could. There are no reasons to stay and a million to leave. Please trust me, life can be so much BETTER.

I did. Full physical and legal custody in DC.

OP here. I am not sure what I would get out of full custody. I just want my daughter to feel like part of a family, with a loving and caring dad.

Does she have that now? It doesn't sound to me that what you're describing is a loving and caring dad situation.

Also, I think - just being brutally honest here - that if your child is already 8, then your desire to not work till she's in high school is indulgent and has probably screwed you financially and with regard to power dynamics in your marriage. You could have got a full-time job on an actual career trajectory and not cling to your husband for money as you do now. You are choosing to keep yourself in an underling position for no good reason. At least be honest with yourself that you are conceding to a humiliating, unsatisfactory marriage for no other reason but to indulge your fancy to not work. Millions of children are in aftercare every day and are none the worse for the wear. How many shit sandwiches are you wiling to eat and smile, telling yourself, at least I don't have to worry about money?

This x 1000.