Reply to Should I stay in the marriage or should I divorce him?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Our marriage has deteriorated quickly after our child was born eight years ago. My husband used to be infatuated with me. Then he wanted to have a child and I acquiesced. I thought he would be a great dad. But he has taken jobs out of state (first out of necessity) and we have become estranged. It is not a priority for him to be with us. He spends only the weekends at home and schedules frequent business trips over the weekends, too. Our daughter adores him and is eager to spend time with him. When he is at home though he is tired and doesn't want to play with the kid. I always encourage him to spend time with her. When at home, he does not have to do anything else.

We have not shared a bedroom since our daughter was born. First so that I don't wake him up during the night feedings, etc. Then he didn't want me to move back to the bedroom, claiming that he feels constrained when he goes to the restroom at night, wakes up and reads newspapers on his cell phone, etc.

He reproaches me periodically in a wave of angry outbursts that we never have sex. Yet he has not hugged me for five years and has not kissed me since the birth of our daughter. (FWIW, I take care of myself, wear a size 6, dress well, etc.) Random strangers show more kindness toward me than my husband. For example, last year he and I were riding in a cab and when I got out to deal with something I hurt my feet and fell down. The cab driver got out and helped me back in the car. When we arrived home my husband wouldn't help me out of the car and wouldn't hold my arm on the steps of the house. Years before that, I tripped on a NYC sidewalk, tumbled down and hurt my knee very badly. I was lying on the sidewalk crying and my husband was standing beside me. He just tried to pull me up by hand. Strangers who were passing by knelt down beside me and called a cab.

Many times he dismisses my feelings and opinions. For example, in hindsight I realized that after the childbirth I had a massive postpartum depression. When I told him this, his reaction was a quick "all women have postpartum depression, no big deal."

A few years ago he asked me for an open marriage. I offered to divorce instead. Twice I told him to move out but he didn't want to.

He has no bad conscience about sleeping with other women. I used to love him until I found out a few years ago that he is sleeping with other women.

Yet all these years he wanted a second child, a son. I told him that I don't want to raise two children on my own, given that he said openly that he would not consider spending more time at home.

I realize that so far this all sounds very bad, and I guess it is. So why do I even consider staying in the marriage? Because of the money and the little time he does spend with our daughter. I feel that if we divorce now he would become estranged from our daughter. And he and I actually spend very little time together. After a divorce I'd have to deal with him probably almost as much as I do now.

But more important is the money. I work part-time. Given that I raise our daughter basically alone, I feel that it would not be beneficial for her if she were in after-care until 6:30. My husband and I both agree on that. If we divorced, I could buy only a one-bedroom condo (which is fine with me) and would have to work full-time (I don't want to do this until our daughter is in high school). There is little hope for alimony, because I am highly educated and in Virginia judges are very parsimonious in such cases.

On a larger scale, it is also a matter of principle to me. When we got married we both committed to a certain responsibility and each to do our own part. I took time off after the childbirth and took a low-paying part-time job after that. Had I stayed single with no kid, I would have continued to work full-time and not damaged my earning potential. I feel that we have signed up for a project (raise a family) and we should see it to the end.

But if we didn't have a child, I would have left him years ago. And I know that I will leave him as soon as our daughter is off to college. Most likely though, he will leave me before that when he takes up with another woman in a serious way.

It is sad that we force ourselves to such serious and self-esteem-damaging compromises for the sake of our children. If he were just a boyfriend, I would have left and forgotten him long ago.[/quote]

Be honest.  What would his legitimate complaints be about you?  Before anybody gets divorced they should be brutally honest about themselves as well. It is a rare and valuable women that can own the defects they bring to a relationship. What does the man need or want that you can't or are unwilling to bring to the relationship ?

You listed your issues with him very well but they sound like symptoms of a deeper issue.[/quote]

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