Should I stay in the marriage or should I divorce him?

[Anonymous]

The situation sounds miserable, but enrich yourself and be smart before lawyering up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Be honest. What would his legitimate complaints be about you? Before anybody gets divorced they should be brutally honest about themselves as well. It is a rare and valuable women that can own the defects they bring to a relationship. What does the man need or want that you can't or are unwilling to bring to the relationship ?

You listed your issues with him very well but they sound like symptoms of a deeper issue.

OP here. Thanks for your replies.

To PP, yes, you are right, I also have to consider what I am lacking. Here is what my husband criticizes about me (all true):

- I have low sexual drive, he has a very high one (I didn't know this before the marriage because he never complained about the frequency).

- Since our child was born I don't have the same patience with him as before.

- He doesn't feel that I respect him.

- We have saved very little money so far because my grad school was very expensive and it's all paid for.

- I got conned by a contractor and we lost a significant amount of money (about to sue now).

The problem is he feels that you don't respect him and part of that may be the mismatch in sex drive. Women want to be loved and men want to be respected . When that dynamic breaks all those other symptoms you listed were resentment. You should talk to him very deeply and sincerely about respect, love and the deepest human desires. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Meh, I'd stay in the marriage and live a single woman's life. Leave that man be. Let him hang himself and feel the loneliness and contempt that is coming his way.

You say you take care of yourself? Well, notch that up a bit. Decorate your room and you like it. Get your hair done more frequently. Pilates, pilates, and barre. Join a club (anything: VIDA, bridge club, church club, ladies who lunch club, book club). Go on trips with your DD to NYC. Make magic for her while you can.

I was watching the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and explained to my children that, at that time, being a wife was a job. See how she dresses up every single day? (No yoga pants!) Yada, yada.

Well, if this marriage is your source of income, you can treat it as you would any other job. We've all had asshole bosses. No kisses since DD was born? Oh, yes, my dear, you have permission to divest yourself of the romantic notion of a companionate marriage and see it for the business it is. Separate bedrooms? Him sleeping around and asking for an open marriage? Solidify your position (name on deed, life insurance, pension, whatever) in case he makes a move toward divorce. Definitely start a secret account and make it your mission to grow it. Put in professional housecleaning and pocket that money. Clean the house yourself. Get a set amount for grocery shopping and buy yourself gift cards instead.

My XH was just as uncaring as yours, but meaner and by no means a provider. Getting him out was easier for this reason. I was the breadwinner and was living as a single mom anyway. He taught me I could do it on my own, so it shouldn't have been a surprise when I took action to do exactly that.

Just one perspective.

OP here. PP, thanks for your input, it made me laugh. You are right, I should treat this marriage as a job. And I will sign up for those clubs DD and I are already taking nice vacations just the two of us. We even visit my in-laws without my husband.

[Anonymous]

You seem very concerned about your daughter, which is laudable. But, you seem overly concerned about things that are not so important (aftercare) and under-concerned about things that are very importation (the long term impact of growing up in the relationship you describe).

My exDH cheated repeatedly, travelled often for work and was not engaged in the task of parenting. I felt, like you did, that he should be doing 50% of the work, because he agreed to having a child. But, you can't make a person be a good parent. When I considered ending the relationship, I really thought hard about the impact on my kids and what message I would be sending them if I stayed. I asked myself, if my daughter came to me and confided that she had a marriage like I did at that moment, would I advise her to stay? Was my life the kind of life I wanted her to have? Would I have been proud of my son if he grew up to be the kind of father his father was being? I couldn't answer yes to any of those questions, so end it.

Money has been tough, but my children and I are in a much better place. Looking back, I can see that had I focused on keeping an "intact" family for them in this circumstances, they would have been really messed up psychologically in ways that would have been difficult to prevent. Now we live in our own home, which is a healthy place for them. They still suffer from their father's choices, but that is largely compartmentalized and as they have grown older they are more able to protect themselves and decide on their own what kind of relationship they want to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The problem is he feels that you don't respect him and part of that may be the mismatch in sex drive. Women want to be loved and men want to be respected . When that dynamic breaks all those other symptoms you listed were resentment. You should talk to him very deeply and sincerely about respect, love and the deepest human desires. See what happens.

OP here. Thanks for your input. But if I tell him that I need to feel loved, that will not make him love me. Same the other way around. I actually show him a lot of respect. I always listen to his work issues, say that he did a good job, that he shouldn't sell himself short, etc.

Yes, he hates me, I guess mostly because of the sexual discrepancy. I can literally feel the anger and hatred. This affects his relationship with our daughter, too. He says that I am too lenient with her and she should simply do as told, while I say that it is important to explain the reasons to her and sometimes even give her some slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage has deteriorated quickly after our child was born eight years ago. My husband used to be infatuated with me. Then he wanted to have a child and I acquiesced. I thought he would be a great dad. But he has taken jobs out of state (first out of necessity) and we have become estranged. It is not a priority for him to be with us. He spends only the weekends at home and schedules frequent business trips over the weekends, too. Our daughter adores him and is eager to spend time with him. When he is at home though he is tired and doesn't want to play with the kid. I always encourage him to spend time with her. When at home, he does not have to do anything else.

We have not shared a bedroom since our daughter was born. First so that I don't wake him up during the night feedings, etc. Then he didn't want me to move back to the bedroom, claiming that he feels constrained when he goes to the restroom at night, wakes up and reads newspapers on his cell phone, etc.

He reproaches me periodically in a wave of angry outbursts that we never have sex. Yet he has not hugged me for five years and has not kissed me since the birth of our daughter. (FWIW, I take care of myself, wear a size 6, dress well, etc.) Random strangers show more kindness toward me than my husband. For example, last year he and I were riding in a cab and when I got out to deal with something I hurt my feet and fell down. The cab driver got out and helped me back in the car. When we arrived home my husband wouldn't help me out of the car and wouldn't hold my arm on the steps of the house. Years before that, I tripped on a NYC sidewalk, tumbled down and hurt my knee very badly. I was lying on the sidewalk crying and my husband was standing beside me. He just tried to pull me up by hand. Strangers who were passing by knelt down beside me and called a cab.

Many times he dismisses my feelings and opinions. For example, in hindsight I realized that after the childbirth I had a massive postpartum depression. When I told him this, his reaction was a quick "all women have postpartum depression, no big deal."

A few years ago he asked me for an open marriage. I offered to divorce instead. Twice I told him to move out but he didn't want to.

He has no bad conscience about sleeping with other women. I used to love him until I found out a few years ago that he is sleeping with other women.

Yet all these years he wanted a second child, a son. I told him that I don't want to raise two children on my own, given that he said openly that he would not consider spending more time at home.

I realize that so far this all sounds very bad, and I guess it is. So why do I even consider staying in the marriage? Because of the money and the little time he does spend with our daughter. I feel that if we divorce now he would become estranged from our daughter. And he and I actually spend very little time together. After a divorce I'd have to deal with him probably almost as much as I do now.

But more important is the money. I work part-time. Given that I raise our daughter basically alone, I feel that it would not be beneficial for her if she were in after-care until 6:30. My husband and I both agree on that. If we divorced, I could buy only a one-bedroom condo (which is fine with me) and would have to work full-time (I don't want to do this until our daughter is in high school). There is little hope for alimony, because I am highly educated and in Virginia judges are very parsimonious in such cases.

On a larger scale, it is also a matter of principle to me. When we got married we both committed to a certain responsibility and each to do our own part. I took time off after the childbirth and took a low-paying part-time job after that. Had I stayed single with no kid, I would have continued to work full-time and not damaged my earning potential. I feel that we have signed up for a project (raise a family) and we should see it to the end.

But if we didn't have a child, I would have left him years ago. And I know that I will leave him as soon as our daughter is off to college. Most likely though, he will leave me before that when he takes up with another woman in a serious way.

It is sad that we force ourselves to such serious and self-esteem-damaging compromises for the sake of our children. If he were just a boyfriend, I would have left and forgotten him long ago.

Be honest. What would his legitimate complaints be about you? Before anybody gets divorced they should be brutally honest about themselves as well. It is a rare and valuable women that can own the defects they bring to a relationship. What does the man need or want that you can't or are unwilling to bring to the relationship ?

You listed your issues with him very well but they sound like symptoms of a deeper issue.

You are disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are in a very favorable position for custody. People never get full custody, but I really think you could. There are no reasons to stay and a million to leave. Please trust me, life can be so much BETTER.

I did. Full physical and legal custody in DC.

PP you quoted. I did too, I just think it's rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem is he feels that you don't respect him and part of that may be the mismatch in sex drive. Women want to be loved and men want to be respected . When that dynamic breaks all those other symptoms you listed were resentment. You should talk to him very deeply and sincerely about respect, love and the deepest human desires. See what happens.

OP here. Thanks for your input. But if I tell him that I need to feel loved, that will not make him love me. Same the other way around. I actually show him a lot of respect. I always listen to his work issues, say that he did a good job, that he shouldn't sell himself short, etc.

Yes, he hates me, I guess mostly because of the sexual discrepancy. I can literally feel the anger and hatred. This affects his relationship with our daughter, too. He says that I am too lenient with her and she should simply do as told, while I say that it is important to explain the reasons to her and sometimes even give her some slack.

PP here. You sound like a really wonderful person. I'm a male btw. You seem really nice and self reflective. Wow.

[Anonymous]

OP please ignore any poster that wants to explore what you did to make your husband sleep with other women and yell at you angrily that he's not getting enough sex from you, never mind he has not behaved tenderly toward you in years.

If he hit you would you listen to someone who was like, 'be honest. It's not good that he hit you, but what issues did you cause that led to this?'

Maybe it takes one to no one and I have been there, but this is more severe emotional abuse than I've heard of in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage has deteriorated quickly after our child was born eight years ago. My husband used to be infatuated with me. Then he wanted to have a child and I acquiesced. I thought he would be a great dad. But he has taken jobs out of state (first out of necessity) and we have become estranged. It is not a priority for him to be with us. He spends only the weekends at home and schedules frequent business trips over the weekends, too. Our daughter adores him and is eager to spend time with him. When he is at home though he is tired and doesn't want to play with the kid. I always encourage him to spend time with her. When at home, he does not have to do anything else.

We have not shared a bedroom since our daughter was born. First so that I don't wake him up during the night feedings, etc. Then he didn't want me to move back to the bedroom, claiming that he feels constrained when he goes to the restroom at night, wakes up and reads newspapers on his cell phone, etc.

He reproaches me periodically in a wave of angry outbursts that we never have sex. Yet he has not hugged me for five years and has not kissed me since the birth of our daughter. (FWIW, I take care of myself, wear a size 6, dress well, etc.) Random strangers show more kindness toward me than my husband. For example, last year he and I were riding in a cab and when I got out to deal with something I hurt my feet and fell down. The cab driver got out and helped me back in the car. When we arrived home my husband wouldn't help me out of the car and wouldn't hold my arm on the steps of the house. Years before that, I tripped on a NYC sidewalk, tumbled down and hurt my knee very badly. I was lying on the sidewalk crying and my husband was standing beside me. He just tried to pull me up by hand. Strangers who were passing by knelt down beside me and called a cab.

Many times he dismisses my feelings and opinions. For example, in hindsight I realized that after the childbirth I had a massive postpartum depression. When I told him this, his reaction was a quick "all women have postpartum depression, no big deal."

A few years ago he asked me for an open marriage. I offered to divorce instead. Twice I told him to move out but he didn't want to.

He has no bad conscience about sleeping with other women. I used to love him until I found out a few years ago that he is sleeping with other women.

Yet all these years he wanted a second child, a son. I told him that I don't want to raise two children on my own, given that he said openly that he would not consider spending more time at home.

I realize that so far this all sounds very bad, and I guess it is. So why do I even consider staying in the marriage? Because of the money and the little time he does spend with our daughter. I feel that if we divorce now he would become estranged from our daughter. And he and I actually spend very little time together. After a divorce I'd have to deal with him probably almost as much as I do now.

But more important is the money. I work part-time. Given that I raise our daughter basically alone, I feel that it would not be beneficial for her if she were in after-care until 6:30. My husband and I both agree on that. If we divorced, I could buy only a one-bedroom condo (which is fine with me) and would have to work full-time (I don't want to do this until our daughter is in high school). There is little hope for alimony, because I am highly educated and in Virginia judges are very parsimonious in such cases.

On a larger scale, it is also a matter of principle to me. When we got married we both committed to a certain responsibility and each to do our own part. I took time off after the childbirth and took a low-paying part-time job after that. Had I stayed single with no kid, I would have continued to work full-time and not damaged my earning potential. I feel that we have signed up for a project (raise a family) and we should see it to the end.

But if we didn't have a child, I would have left him years ago. And I know that I will leave him as soon as our daughter is off to college. Most likely though, he will leave me before that when he takes up with another woman in a serious way.

It is sad that we force ourselves to such serious and self-esteem-damaging compromises for the sake of our children. If he were just a boyfriend, I would have left and forgotten him long ago.

Be honest. What would his legitimate complaints be about you? Before anybody gets divorced they should be brutally honest about themselves as well. It is a rare and valuable women that can own the defects they bring to a relationship. What does the man need or want that you can't or are unwilling to bring to the relationship ?

You listed your issues with him very well but they sound like symptoms of a deeper issue.

You are disgusting.

Honest self appraisal is part of a full life.

[Anonymous]

*know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP please ignore any poster that wants to explore what you did to make your husband sleep with other women and yell at you angrily that he's not getting enough sex from you, never mind he has not behaved tenderly toward you in years.

If he hit you would you listen to someone who was like, 'be honest. It's not good that he hit you, but what issues did you cause that led to this?'

Maybe it takes one to no one and I have been there, but this is more severe emotional abuse than I've heard of in a while.

That's not what I said. Everybody brings issues into a relationship . If partners don't own their individual issues they cause eventual resentment. It goes for both people and is the foundation of a successful marriage.

[Anonymous]

"If we didn't have a child, I would have left him years ago."

Your own words, OP. Please listen to yourself. You knew the answer before you ever asked random strangers here, so please have the confidence to listen to your gut.

Do not stay in the marriage just for your daughter. If you fear that divorcing will give her a bad example of a relationship, please be aware that staying in a marriage where the husband clearly cheats with zero remorse about it is a much worse example than divorcing and then modeling how a woman does not have to tolerate that kind of treatment. Of course you won't tell her now, in so many words, that daddy is a terrible husband and father. But in time she will figure it out and will understand that you did the right thing in not allowing yourself to be walked all over. She may be angry with you at first, especially if daddy tries to claim you are somehow wrong, but be strong -- stick to your decision, never say anything bad about dad but keep things neutral, and if you can, consider getting her some counseling if she has trouble with the divorce. But do not stay for her sake, or you show her that it's OK for a husband to cheat. You CAN do this.

Before you say a word to him, though, get a lawyer experienced in divorce and custody so DH can't screw you out of custody (if he gets vengeful). Be SURE you have at least some money that is only in your name, which he cannot access at all; and be sure you have things set up so he can't clear out bank accounts or shut down credit cards etc. You might need to go to your nearest Women's Center (look them up) or talk with your attorney about how to protect some assets -- if you think your DH would clear out funds to punish you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP please ignore any poster that wants to explore what you did to make your husband sleep with other women and yell at you angrily that he's not getting enough sex from you, never mind he has not behaved tenderly toward you in years.

If he hit you would you listen to someone who was like, 'be honest. It's not good that he hit you, but what issues did you cause that led to this?'

Maybe it takes one to no one and I have been there, but this is more severe emotional abuse than I've heard of in a while.

OP here. I don't mind at all the question what I did wrong, on the contrary. It always takes two people to make or break a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP please ignore any poster that wants to explore what you did to make your husband sleep with other women and yell at you angrily that he's not getting enough sex from you, never mind he has not behaved tenderly toward you in years.

If he hit you would you listen to someone who was like, 'be honest. It's not good that he hit you, but what issues did you cause that led to this?'

Maybe it takes one to no one and I have been there, but this is more severe emotional abuse than I've heard of in a while.

That's not what I said. Everybody brings issues into a relationship . If partners don't own their individual issues they cause eventual resentment. It goes for both people and is the foundation of a successful marriage.[/quote]

That's a nice thought if there is still a marriage to work on, but in OP's case, it sounds as if the husband has long ago left the marriage in all but name. He treats it as an open marriage and sleeps with anyone he wants.

It isn't as if the husband seems to want anything different or wants to reconcile. I know -- we only have OP's side of the story and on DCUM there are always those posters who will come on and blast her and insist she's a party to whatever went wrong. She surely is; yes, we all bring issues into relationships . But this "relationship" sounds too far gone to try to work on her issues now, or his.

I agree that OP could use therapy or counseling later to work out what went wrong and why she stayed so long, but her priority should be extricating herself from marriage to a blatant cheater who has no interest in her or in committing to a marriage.