Should I stay in the marriage or should I divorce him?

[Anonymous]

"Also, I think - just being brutally honest here - that if your child is already 8, then your desire to not work till she's in high school is indulgent and has probably screwed you financially and with regard to power dynamics in your marriage."

+ 1 million

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could find a counselor who won't fixate on reviving your dead marriage, but will instead help you create a new working relationship so you can co-parent without animosity. Your husband sounds like one who copes by shutting down emotionally and avoiding everything, with no other good ways to deal with complexities or difficulties in relationships. You sound relatively reflective and aware, but stuck in your own form of passivity, where you shut down emotionally and think rather than feel.

At the very least, a counselor could help each of you clarify what keeps you in this set-up, since you're both so miserable, and validate each side's feelings. Whether you ultimately stick together to get the child raised, or not, your child is affected negatively by the anger and resentment between you, and by seeing your interactions.

[Anonymous]

OP, what would you tell your daughter if she was in your position? To stick it out and be miserable? You'd be OK with your daughter hurting the way you are? Or would you believe that she could be brave and strong and take care of her child on her own?

[Anonymous]

'But he has taken jobs out of state (first out of necessity)'

OP, are you not in the DC area? I would think this area has a more robust economy that other areas.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are going to end up divorced sometime in the next ten years, so ultimately will need to be able to support yourself financially. That means that with each passing day that you are only working part-time, you are earning less for your own future and retirement, and depending on your field and position, further eroding your future earning potential.

You need to get a full-time job. It's in the best interest of both you and your DD (who will ultimately have to support you if you don't start to earn more of your own money now).

It will set you both free, now and in the future, and will set an empowering example for your daughter.

She'll adjust to aftercare if she goes regularly. A part-time after school sitter could also be an option.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PPs, thank you all for your insight and kind advice. I see now that I should ramp up my career and earnings.

[Anonymous]

Why did you let this go on so long. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In every relationship mistakes happen where one partner is caught being unfaithful, then the relationship is now tested and may even end up ending, the crazy love spell makes sure that the relationship is back on track and the two lovers go back to being happy and in love, its not everyday where you are forgiven for being unfaithful to your partner that’s why if you find yourself in that situation you contact the good Dr. Lababa to help you solve this emotional problem on [e-mail]

You didn't use a single period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Meh, I'd stay in the marriage and live a single woman's life. Leave that man be. Let him hang himself and feel the loneliness and contempt that is coming his way.

You say you take care of yourself? Well, notch that up a bit. Decorate your room and you like it. Get your hair done more frequently. Pilates, pilates, and barre. Join a club (anything: VIDA, bridge club, church club, ladies who lunch club, book club). Go on trips with your DD to NYC. Make magic for her while you can.

I was watching the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and explained to my children that, at that time, being a wife was a job. See how she dresses up every single day? (No yoga pants!) Yada, yada.

Well, if this marriage is your source of income, you can treat it as you would any other job. We've all had asshole bosses. No kisses since DD was born? Oh, yes, my dear, you have permission to divest yourself of the romantic notion of a companionate marriage and see it for the business it is. Separate bedrooms? Him sleeping around and asking for an open marriage? Solidify your position (name on deed, life insurance, pension, whatever) in case he makes a move toward divorce. Definitely start a secret account and make it your mission to grow it. Put in professional housecleaning and pocket that money. Clean the house yourself. Get a set amount for grocery shopping and buy yourself gift cards instead.

My XH was just as uncaring as yours, but meaner and by no means a provider. Getting him out was easier for this reason. I was the breadwinner and was living as a single mom anyway. He taught me I could do it on my own, so it shouldn't have been a surprise when I took action to do exactly that.

Just one perspective.

That scenario is unbridled rage refined into a never ending movie script. It would surely destroy your life.

Not if you truly accept it. Think of the Royals or life before divorce. People stayed together and made of it what they could. The companionate marriage was a fairy tale (Cinderella, etc,) before it became a modern concept. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

My 86 year old mother always says she should have left my father years earlier and she is right. Their terrible marriage screwed me up and I never had the self confidence to do things in my life that could have come easily. Please, do not wind up like my mother.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an asshole, there are no ifs, ands, or buts. Your lack of sex drive is no justification for his behavior. Yes, you should divorce him. Your are sacrificing self-respect and dignity in exchange for being taken care of financially.

Protect yourself and carefully plan your escape. First and foremost -- get a full-time job so you can support yourself and your DD. Do whatever else it takes to make the transition easier (e.g. rent an apartment, consult a lawyer, open your own bank account and start saving, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Point out to him that a divorced man has lots more sex than a married man, I bet he will acquiesce to a rapid divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is an asshole, there are no ifs, ands, or buts. Your lack of sex drive is no justification for his behavior. Yes, you should divorce him. Your are sacrificing self-respect and dignity in exchange for being taken care of financially.

Protect yourself and carefully plan your escape. First and foremost -- get a full-time job so you can support yourself and your DD. Do whatever else it takes to make the transition easier (e.g. rent an apartment, consult a lawyer, open your own bank account and start saving, etc.)

Actually the fact she has a low sex drive very much explains his behavior. So he's the asshole while SHE coasts on his income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is an asshole, there are no ifs, ands, or buts. Your lack of sex drive is no justification for his behavior. Yes, you should divorce him. Your are sacrificing self-respect and dignity in exchange for being taken care of financially.

Protect yourself and carefully plan your escape. First and foremost -- get a full-time job so you can support yourself and your DD. Do whatever else it takes to make the transition easier (e.g. rent an apartment, consult a lawyer, open your own bank account and start saving, etc.)

Actually the fact she has a low sex drive very much explains his behavior. So he's the asshole while SHE coasts on his income?

NP. Yes, sweetie. She is not a prostitute, she is his wife. She is raising their daughter. Sex is not something you buy in a relationship. It is a mutual expression of love and desire. He deserves neither. Same with you, I suspect.

[Anonymous]

Actually the fact she has a low sex drive very much explains his behavior. So he's the asshole while SHE coasts on his income?

"NP. Yes, sweetie. She is not a prostitute, she is his wife. She is raising their daughter. Sex is not something you buy in a relationship. It is a mutual expression of love and desire. He deserves neither. Same with you, I suspect. "

Well said.