SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To PP: with a super handy surgeon husband who makes probably $1mm/year you indeed have no worries. Just make sure you invest and don’t spend all the money. Alimony is peanuts - one last I know got $100k alimony for a year, while her exH made several million/year. She was 50 yo and it was in DC

I don’t believe this unless they were married fir a year or something. A 50 year old who’s been married fir a couple decades divorcing a multimillionaire would be fine financially.

DP here. You'd be surprised at the number of people with 7-figure incomes who don't save much. I'm guessing that might be the situation the PP is describing. High income, low savings, not a lot of assets to divvy up in the divorce.

Exactly: the couple where exH made millions was spending on travel, timeshares, entertainment, luxury cars, art and expensive social clubs. They only have one marital home to split. The exH retained his income, and the 50yo exW went to work at $120k/year living in new home with huge mortgage.

But alimony is based on income. Why would a court not require a more equitable split in alimony, unless there was a prenup or they'd only been married for a short time. This just doesn't make sense.

Generally the judge expects everyone to work. There is no expectation that the exH should be maintaining exW lifestyle. Alimony is given to cover reasonable expenses, and it's temporary. Unless the divorce happens shortly pre-retirement.
She did get the alimony of $100K for 1 year in that case, and went to work

Alimony of 100K for 1 year coming out of a long term marriage to someone making seven figures is very strange. Your friend got screwed by bad lawyering, or is lying to you, or you are lying. But it is unusual and not really pertinent to this conversation.

I spoke to several DC family lawyers when I was divorcing myself - alimony for over 2 years is extremely rare and is given to retirees, when no individual earning capacity. When there are over 15 years to retirement it’s 1-2 years at a max. All top north family attorneys. You would need to provide case law here to prove otherwise. I think you are misled by celebrities divorces numbers - they often have prenups that specify alimony or future royalties that a spouse would be otherwise eligible for and traded for alimony.
I know cases of life long alimony but all involved 60+ age group and alimony itself wasn’t spectacular for “regular” people. In Colorado a surgeon exW was made to pay $7k/month for life to her stay at home exH. Both in 60s, and she’s making close to $1mm/year so not a big “bite” for her at all. ExH moved into a 1Br apartment as he can’t make much being a former professor

[Anonymous]

What I do recommend doing when married to a high earner - invest, buy real estate, prepay mortgages, make sure kids 529 are maxed out, create irrevocable trusts if you have too much money - they are not divisible in divorces.
Everything else like luxury stuff gives you shit. Future income of you spouse is not divisible either so there won’t be any cushion to compensate for your own list earning capacity unless you have substantial joint assets or trusts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having gone through a sudden divorce recently, and after 10 years SAHM, I regret this decision to stay at home. It works only if you husband is making so much and you have so much in joint assets that divorce can't change your social status, neighborhood you live, your circle of friends etc. Alimony is peanuts and wasting 10 years of working career to go back to beginner corporate positions alongside 25 y.o. graduates "sucks"

Your social status and circle of friends? Your fiends dropped you because you don’t make enough money?

I actually think you might like life better here on the slums . I can’t imagine my friends dropping someone because their financial status changed.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to SH but I was concerned about my income loss and what would happen if we got divorced and my career wasn’t recoverable so I shared my concerns with my husband. He said I’d get half our net worth so I’d be fine and he retitled a lot of our assets so that they would be in my name only. Legally they were still marital assets but being in my name definitely made me feel better. Many years later we are still happily married but I really appreciated that he took my concern seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having gone through a sudden divorce recently, and after 10 years SAHM, I regret this decision to stay at home. It works only if you husband is making so much and you have so much in joint assets that divorce can't change your social status, neighborhood you live, your circle of friends etc. Alimony is peanuts and wasting 10 years of working career to go back to beginner corporate positions alongside 25 y.o. graduates "sucks"

Your social status and circle of friends? Your fiends dropped you because you don’t make enough money?

I actually think you might like life better here on the slums . I can’t imagine my friends dropping someone because their financial status changed.

My few friends didn’t drop me. But the “social circle” appearance was misleading as it mainly comprised of his colleagues and friends. Of course it evaporated when we divorced and reminded me of my own mistake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to SH but I was concerned about my income loss and what would happen if we got divorced and my career wasn’t recoverable so I shared my concerns with my husband. He said I’d get half our net worth so I’d be fine and he retitled a lot of our assets so that they would be in my name only. Legally they were still marital assets but being in my name definitely made me feel better. Many years later we are still happily married but I really appreciated that he took my concern seriously.

Yeah, the "title" doesn't mean anything, so kind of silly. But glad you are happy with how it worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a stupid thing to fight over. 1. Because every marriage/family situation is different. Some people fight over money but some truly don’t and SAH or not will have little effect on the relationship. 2. People are going to do what they want anyway so why waste time fighting with people about it for forty pages?

It's a fight because some people on both sides are insecure with their choices and/or circumstances.

You SAHMs who are insecure for a variety of reasons. Some are resentful they gave up their careers and earning potential to be saddled with low-value (according to society) household drudgery. Some are secretly afraid their DHs will leave them for a professional equal or somebody younger/hotter and they'll be paupers. Some worry that by opting out of the workforce to rely on a man to provide basic needs, they're setting an anti-feminist example for their daughters (and sons).

Then you have WOHMs who are insecure for a variety of reasons. Some are afraid they're messing up their kids, missing out on precious time they'll never get back, by shuttling them off to daycare. Some would love to SAH but can't afford it or DHs will not agree to it so they resent that they didn't marry "better." Some are simply lazy and envious of women they perceive as having it easier.

Of course, none of these people will admit it, even anonymously.

WOHMs and SAHMs who are happy and secure do not feel any need to fight about this. There are many of these women, but they aren't here fighting for 40+ pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a stupid thing to fight over. 1. Because every marriage/family situation is different. Some people fight over money but some truly don’t and SAH or not will have little effect on the relationship. 2. People are going to do what they want anyway so why waste time fighting with people about it for forty pages?

It's a fight because some people on both sides are insecure with their choices and/or circumstances.

You SAHMs who are insecure for a variety of reasons. Some are resentful they gave up their careers and earning potential to be saddled with low-value (according to society) household drudgery. Some are secretly afraid their DHs will leave them for a professional equal or somebody younger/hotter and they'll be paupers. Some worry that by opting out of the workforce to rely on a man to provide basic needs, they're setting an anti-feminist example for their daughters (and sons).

Then you have WOHMs who are insecure for a variety of reasons. Some are afraid they're messing up their kids, missing out on precious time they'll never get back, by shuttling them off to daycare. Some would love to SAH but can't afford it or DHs will not agree to it so they resent that they didn't marry "better." Some are simply lazy and envious of women they perceive as having it easier.

Of course, none of these people will admit it, even anonymously.

WOHMs and SAHMs who are happy and secure do not feel any need to fight about this. There are many of these women, but they aren't here fighting for 40+ pages.

I don’t think I am insecure about my choice to be a SAHM. I have two masters and had a career. I juggled work life balance for years before deciding to stay home. I cherish my time with my children because the time really did fly by with my older two. I was glad I was able to spend time with them during this pandemic without work stress.

I am a SAHM now but I used to be a working mom. I may not be a SAHM forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to SH but I was concerned about my income loss and what would happen if we got divorced and my career wasn’t recoverable so I shared my concerns with my husband. He said I’d get half our net worth so I’d be fine and he retitled a lot of our assets so that they would be in my name only. Legally they were still marital assets but being in my name definitely made me feel better. Many years later we are still happily married but I really appreciated that he took my concern seriously.

Yeah, the "title" doesn't mean anything, so kind of silly. But glad you are happy with how it worked out.

PP - I agree and I knew it but it was the gesture that really counted. I'm not sure how many husbands would have done the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having gone through a sudden divorce recently, and after 10 years SAHM, I regret this decision to stay at home. It works only if you husband is making so much and you have so much in joint assets that divorce can't change your social status, neighborhood you live, your circle of friends etc. Alimony is peanuts and wasting 10 years of working career to go back to beginner corporate positions alongside 25 y.o. graduates "sucks"

Your social status and circle of friends? Your fiends dropped you because you don’t make enough money?

I actually think you might like life better here on the slums . I can’t imagine my friends dropping someone because their financial status changed.

My few friends didn’t drop me. But the “social circle” appearance was misleading as it mainly comprised of his colleagues and friends. Of course it evaporated when we divorced and reminded me of my own mistake

Divorce sucks. No two ways around it, but I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. There is no guarantee that you would have made $200k if you kept working. And you may not have had the time or inclination to make any of your own friends and been completely isolated when you divorced. I know that when I went back to work after my husband was out of work with a serious illness, my closest friends remained the women I had met through playgroup.

I wish you well! I don’t think things are as bad as they seem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a stupid thing to fight over. 1. Because every marriage/family situation is different. Some people fight over money but some truly don’t and SAH or not will have little effect on the relationship. 2. People are going to do what they want anyway so why waste time fighting with people about it for forty pages?

It's a fight because some people on both sides are insecure with their choices and/or circumstances.

You SAHMs who are insecure for a variety of reasons. Some are resentful they gave up their careers and earning potential to be saddled with low-value (according to society) household drudgery. Some are secretly afraid their DHs will leave them for a professional equal or somebody younger/hotter and they'll be paupers. Some worry that by opting out of the workforce to rely on a man to provide basic needs, they're setting an anti-feminist example for their daughters (and sons).

Then you have WOHMs who are insecure for a variety of reasons. Some are afraid they're messing up their kids, missing out on precious time they'll never get back, by shuttling them off to daycare. Some would love to SAH but can't afford it or DHs will not agree to it so they resent that they didn't marry "better." Some are simply lazy and envious of women they perceive as having it easier.

Of course, none of these people will admit it, even anonymously.

WOHMs and SAHMs who are happy and secure do not feel any need to fight about this. There are many of these women, but they aren't here fighting for 40+ pages.

I don’t think I am insecure about my choice to be a SAHM. I have two masters and had a career. I juggled work life balance for years before deciding to stay home. I cherish my time with my children because the time really did fly by with my older two. I was glad I was able to spend time with them during this pandemic without work stress.

I am a SAHM now but I used to be a working mom. I may not be a SAHM forever.

Then she is not talking about you!

[Anonymous]

I can see child support being mandated but why would lifetime alimony be mandated by a judge in 2021????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see child support being mandated but why would lifetime alimony be mandated by a judge in 2021????

For those cases when a spouse dumps you on your 60s when there is no earning power - don’t you see a reason ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see child support being mandated but why would lifetime alimony be mandated by a judge in 2021????

My friend got lifetime because she was on a disability. For older women it's pretty standard if they don't work, or are underemployed.

[Anonymous]

OP why would one need to convince their DH to stay home with their kids?
I would never have married a man to begin with if I didn't have that choice. That's part of the kid package and putting their needs first. It's a given that women will be in and out of the work force because of their kids. Even pregnancy.