Husband asked for a divorce last night

[Anonymous]

He wants to wait until after Christmas to tell the children. (5 and 7). I didn't see it coming, and haven't slept. How do I manage the next two weeks?

[Anonymous]

Like a boss! Just make sure you have outside support. Your finances are ok. Don't make it seem like it affects you. Carry on like it's nothing.

[Anonymous]

You see an attorney and make a plan to separate property.

[Anonymous]

What's his reason? Will he go to counseling? If he wants out, he needs to be able to say to his kids that he tried everything to make it work. He's about to turn their lives upside down, and it can't be because "this is how he feels right now." He has to work his way out of this.

What will you do? Contact a marriage counselor today. Even if he refuses to go, you need to go to work through this with someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like a boss! Just make sure you have outside support. Your finances are ok. Don't make it seem like it affects you. Carry on like it's nothing.

I understand this, but it all feels false. I worry the kids will have a wonderful holiday, and then boom, their world gets turned upside down. I haven't even thought about me yet. My finances are in order, and I have a separate account and all important documents photocopied in a safe place.

Damn

[Anonymous]

No sudden moves.

Calmly tell you asshat husband that he isn't allowed to simply drop that bomb on you and control the next steps. That's not how this will work.

He needs to tell you why, and you need to discuss it.

You two should do therapy--and so should the kids once they've been told.

You two must agree that all next steps will be carried out with the best interests of the children whose lives will be turned upside down. The therapist can coach you on how to tell the kids.

Act like you are committed to working on the marriage, but quietly lawyer up.

I've seen people handle it this way, and I think that's what I would do: the kids stay in their own home, and the parents stay at the house when they have custody. Some have spent off nights with their parents or in a nearby rental. Some move in with their GF/BF. It's less disruptive to the kids. *No GF/BF allowed in the family home.

Make sure DH gets custody Thursday thru Sunday so he doesn't have weekends off. Why should he get his cake and eat it too? Feel free to show up and the kids weekend games/activities, but don't be on the hook for them. (Hope his GF is inconvenienced when he isn't available on the weekends).

[Anonymous]

I think OP already know why...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No sudden moves.

Calmly tell you asshat husband that he isn't allowed to simply drop that bomb on you and control the next steps. That's not how this will work.

He needs to tell you why, and you need to discuss it.

You two should do therapy--and so should the kids once they've been told.

You two must agree that all next steps will be carried out with the best interests of the children whose lives will be turned upside down. The therapist can coach you on how to tell the kids.

Act like you are committed to working on the marriage, but quietly lawyer up.

I've seen people handle it this way, and I think that's what I would do: the kids stay in their own home, and the parents stay at the house when they have custody. Some have spent off nights with their parents or in a nearby rental. Some move in with their GF/BF. It's less disruptive to the kids. *No GF/BF allowed in the family home.

Make sure DH gets custody Thursday thru Sunday so he doesn't have weekends off. Why should he get his cake and eat it too? Feel free to show up and the kids weekend games/activities, but don't be on the hook for them. (Hope his GF is inconvenienced when he isn't available on the weekends).

This +1000. Print this out and follow it. All of it.

[Anonymous]

As a kid who went through a plan, I would say they very important things are to:

1. Always, always treat each other civilly and respectfully in front of the kids. Try to continue to present a united front to them, with some basic rules they can rely on when they switch custody. An hour of screen time. A stable bedtime. Homework before screens. Whatever. Of course you will end up parenting differently-- but try to keep some basic things constant-- especially at first. And don't bad moth, assign blame or make them feel like they have to choose sides.

2. Since you have some time, work out the issues that directly affect them before you talk to them. Kids at that age care most about how their life will change, or not. So tell them where they will live and go to school, what the custody arrangement will be. They will need to know that someone will still take them to soccer and dance lessons, who will take care of the family pet, and that there is a way for them to access favorite toys, clothes, etc. Small things matter. Make sure you are both CC'd on emails from the school and teachers and about activities. The more stability and certainty you can provide up front, the better.

3. Assure them that they didn't do anything to cause this. This is an adult problem (without getting into the details of where the marriage went off track). Not anything caused by the kids.

4. Respectfully disagree with the PP who said to make him the Thurs-Sunday parent. Especially as kids get older, the weekday for kids is full of school, homework and running kids from point A to point B for music lessons, sports practices, etc. everyone is tired from work. You have very little quality time with the kids. It is all about getting things done and getting them to bed. The weekend parent gets to be the "fun one" who takes them on outings and has movie nights. You have more unstructured time to hang up. Make sure you both have some weekday duty (and are the nagging parent) and some weekend duty (and are the fun parent)-- it's best your relationship with the kids.

5. Fidure out if your are sepeerating, and might reconcile down the road. Or definitely divorcing, and this is the end of the line. Then be honest with your kids. Mommy and Daddy are living apart for a while is a different conversation than Mommy and Daddy are never getting back together. And if divorce is definite, be clear and honest with the kids. Don't leave them hoping that things will work out.

Good luck and <3

[Anonymous]

^^ kid who went through a *divorce

[Anonymous]

Yes. No sudden moves. Breathe. Get therapist immediately. Ask DH how he will tell this to children? Seriously. What is he thinking about timeline? Is he willing to discuss w mediator/therapist? Is he having an affair?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't give him every weekend as suggested above.

The kids in the house, parents rotate also is not practical for many people. So don't feel like it's the only option.

I would definitely see a lawyer. You need to know what your options are. Knowledge is empowering.

[Anonymous]

Kids in the house/parents rotate is common in my part of MoCo.

Here's how it plays out:

Cheater stays with BF/GF

Other parent crashes with the grandparents, friends or neighbors---some even rent a room from another single/separated/divorced friend

The goal is to keep the kids stable.

If you have to make the kids switch homes, then your husband should rent a place in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, you do not have a choice in the matter: it takes two to stay married, but only one to divorce. With that said, if you can (and if you want to stay married), try to talk about the issues.

I am assuming you thought you had a good/ok marriage (based on being surprised). I am guessing the issue is you two do not communicate.

For what it is worth, I am a DH. A few years ago, I was frustrated with my life, dealing with some life threatening issues, and wanted freedom. I started preparing for a divorce. I even told my wife I wanted one. In my case, though, I came to realize my unhappiness was not about my wife, but about my fear of dying. (I survived metastatic cancer and a near heart attack within a year).

If you can, find out why he wants the divorce. Couples counseling can't hurt.

Note: all of my above changes is abuse, cheating, or addiction is involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like a boss! Just make sure you have outside support. Your finances are ok. Don't make it seem like it affects you. Carry on like it's nothing.

This is stupid. Why should she pretend like a divorce does not effect her? It certainly will, it certainly should and it certainly does. Divorce is not a time to pretend