Husband asked for a divorce last night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all have offered great advice.

Neither of us cheated. I have a major health illness that has caused a lot of stress on the family. I have chosen not to tell my parents, and husband disagrees with this decision. He is a kind, good man. I consider myself to also be a decent person. He realizes that we might be better off apart than together. He thinks he can actually help me handle the health issues when we are separated.

It is too complicated to communicate here, and I still haven't been able to sleep. I appreciate what everyone has contributed, and I am sure that therapy is in order. Hard to do that on a Saturday, but I am trying to get that lined up.

Be honest, is it alcohol abuse? I could see how he would need the distance of not living with you and being mArried to you to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Sandcastles book on divorce. On Amazon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all have offered great advice.

Neither of us cheated. I have a major health illness that has caused a lot of stress on the family. I have chosen not to tell my parents, and husband disagrees with this decision. He is a kind, good man. I consider myself to also be a decent person. He realizes that we might be better off apart than together. He thinks he can actually help me handle the health issues when we are separated.

It is too complicated to communicate here, and I still haven't been able to sleep. I appreciate what everyone has contributed, and I am sure that therapy is in order. Hard to do that on a Saturday, but I am trying to get that lined up.

Be honest, is it alcohol abuse? I could see how he would need the distance of not living with you and being mArried to you to deal with that.

I bet this is the winner.

[Anonymous]

But no father would leave his children with an alcoholic mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But no father would leave his children with an alcoholic mother.

OP never said that DH wanted her to have primary physical custody. This is an addiction issue for sure.

[Anonymous]

Too many extra helpings of stuffing she got g fat muchlllllll

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how the "kids live in the home" thing works. There is one main house, and the parents rent two separate apartments to live in when they don't have custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No sudden moves.

Calmly tell you asshat husband that he isn't allowed to simply drop that bomb on you and control the next steps. That's not how this will work.

He needs to tell you why, and you need to discuss it.

You two should do therapy--and so should the kids once they've been told.

You two must agree that all next steps will be carried out with the best interests of the children whose lives will be turned upside down. The therapist can coach you on how to tell the kids.

Act like you are committed to working on the marriage, but quietly lawyer up.

I've seen people handle it this way, and I think that's what I would do: the kids stay in their own home, and the parents stay at the house when they have custody. Some have spent off nights with their parents or in a nearby rental. Some move in with their GF/BF. It's less disruptive to the kids. *No GF/BF allowed in the family home.

Make sure DH gets custody Thursday thru Sunday so he doesn't have weekends off. Why should he get his cake and eat it too? Feel free to show up and the kids weekend games/activities, but don't be on the hook for them. (Hope his GF is inconvenienced when he isn't available on the weekends).

This +1000. Print this out and follow it. All of it.

Except the last part. Why would you give up alternate weekends with your kids to punish your XH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But no father would leave his children with an alcoholic mother.

Op never mentioned anything about custody. It's a "health issue" she won't tell her family about and he needs to be apart from her to help her deal with it and it's caused her family stress. No spouse would say that about cancer and no child would refuse to tell their family about something like that. I think it's alcohol and maybe it's not to the level it impacts her ability to maintain some custody or maybe the DH intends to seek primary but that's what it sounds like us going on to me. Especially the way op says he's a good kind man and "I consider myself a decent person." Classic language of an alcohol abuser who has guilt and low self esteem and self worth because of it.

I wish your family well OP if this is what you're dealing with. I know your husbands frustration and sadness at this. I hope this is your wake up call.

[Anonymous]

Hugs op. Huge hugs for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids in the house/parents rotate is common in my part of MoCo.

Here's how it plays out:

Cheater stays with BF/GF

Other parent crashes with the grandparents, friends or neighbors---some even rent a room from another single/separated/divorced friend

The goal is to keep the kids stable.

If you have to make the kids switch homes, then your husband should rent a place in the neighborhood.

Kids in the house works best when there is a separate place available for parents. I have a friend who did this and it was very difficult as she had to find a to rent and so did her ex. It was very expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids in the house/parents rotate is common in my part of MoCo.

Here's how it plays out:

Cheater stays with BF/GF

Other parent crashes with the grandparents, friends or neighbors---some even rent a room from another single/separated/divorced friend

The goal is to keep the kids stable.

If you have to make the kids switch homes, then your husband should rent a place in the neighborhood.

Kids in the house works best when there is a separate place available for parents. I have a friend who did this and it was very difficult as she had to find a to rent and so did her ex. It was very expensive.

Divorce is typically very expensive.

[Anonymous]

Op, he dropped a bombshell on you a week before Christmas. I would assume the worst moving forward and be pleasantly surprised if things work out better than that. I would definitely hire a lawyer. Now. But you certainly don't need to tell him right now. Plan. I am a pessimist by nature. But a father and dad who drops that bomb shell right before Christmas isn't thinking clearly and can't be trusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all have offered great advice.

Neither of us cheated. I have a major health illness that has caused a lot of stress on the family. I have chosen not to tell my parents, and husband disagrees with this decision. He is a kind, good man. I consider myself to also be a decent person. He realizes that we might be better off apart than together. He thinks he can actually help me handle the health issues when we are separated.

It is too complicated to communicate here, and I still haven't been able to sleep. I appreciate what everyone has contributed, and I am sure that therapy is in order. Hard to do that on a Saturday, but I am trying to get that lined up.

Do you have AIDS? A drug addiction? What possible major health issue could you have, bad enough to cause a break up of your family, that is so shameful to you, that you won't tell your own parents about it? He's threatening divorce in the hopes you will pull your head out of your ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all have offered great advice.

Neither of us cheated. I have a major health illness that has caused a lot of stress on the family. I have chosen not to tell my parents, and husband disagrees with this decision. He is a kind, good man. I consider myself to also be a decent person. He realizes that we might be better off apart than together. He thinks he can actually help me handle the health issues when we are separated.

It is too complicated to communicate here, and I still haven't been able to sleep. I appreciate what everyone has contributed, and I am sure that therapy is in order. Hard to do that on a Saturday, but I am trying to get that lined up.

Do you have AIDS? A drug addiction? What possible major health issue could you have, bad enough to cause a break up of your family, that is so shameful to you, that you won't tell your own parents about it? He's threatening divorce in the hopes you will pull your head out of your ass.

Borderline personality disorder? Depression? Untreated depression sucks to live with.