Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

OP, I suspect that his lashing out was his shame and anger at himself, which still is not ok but might help to understand it. He has a long way to go but I still think, based on what you have shared, that he can get there. He's definitely begun self-reflecting, which is where he needs to start. Also, your MC may suggest this, but it can be helpful to designate set times during the week to discuss the affair.

[Anonymous]

OP, everything that you're feeling is completely valid, and you absolutely deserve the space to have those feelings be heard and tended to. It is understandable that you would have many questions for your husband, but I think realistically, you have to begin to school yourself to only ask questions he can genuinely answer. He hurt you very, very badly, but he is also a person with feelings. It is not reasonable to require that the only path to repair is for him to accept and answer to your satisfaction any question you have while you are allowed to feel and respond however you need to. It was reasonable in the beginning, but that dynamic is not reparative.

If nothing else, I think it's good that you each have individual therapy and marriage counseling. It's a lot of therapy for everyone, but it may help you to express some of these feelings in a setting where he can learn how to respond in a way that is reassuring rather than additionally alienating.

[Anonymous]

I do get Spam messages on Whatsapp and I chat with family overseas.

[Anonymous]

OP — 2019 DDay poster here. I call those early weeks my husband’s zombie days. I was asking the why questions and he was completely in his own shock of losing everything possibly and not understanding why he did it himself. It sounds crazy but that kind of splitting is what contributes to cheating in the way you describe. I ended up having to stick ti facts - when, how, where and made a timeline, it tooks many months for my husband to start to get it. But we did all therapy from beginning, my therapist said he got stuck somewhere developmentally and we have to see if he can grow and that I would know eventually but it would take time. It is very immature conduct and feels a hole that came from somewhere. At least when you have a basically fine marriage like you did and I did also. My husband also experienced the betrayal period as the darkest time except for initial rush, he was scared OW would tell me, ashamed he was doing what his dad had done, etc. he was immediately relieved when i knew but also in shock for months and months desperate to find a way back to integrity. Hang in there and keep holding a mirror up to him and be unsparing while you take care if yourself and let him take on more work.

[Anonymous]

Fills a hole — need to learn where that hole came from. Also, does he use much porn? I think the porn aspect of it contributed to my husband’s delusion. The OW sent photos through office email of herself in lingerie, very porn story and she was working it on her end also as it seems to have fit her story of herself as so irresistable that married men woukd eff her. This is not real. You are real and he knows it,

[Anonymous]

I'm a former BW and veteran of affair forums and I'll say that this was definitely unacceptable, but to be expected. When people say "I have a model WS" I'm always like, what? How does someone who had the poor judgment/lack of self-esteem/lack of morals to have an affair have all the self-control, insight, and compassion needed to support their BS perfectly 100% of the time? It's not gonna happen, and if you think you have one, what you probably have is a skilled manipulator. So you got to peek behind the curtain where the "poor me, I've done everything right and yet here you are two whole weeks later STILL asking questions!" lives, which is his real internal dialogue.

And yeah, he's not going to have the emotional resources to listen and answer patiently 100% of the time, but he at least needs to be able to say, "Honey, I'm so sorry. You deserve to have all the time you need to ask questions and get answers. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now. Can we circle back in an hour?" This is what grownups do. We don't blow up at our kids just because they have emotional needs after we've had a horrible day at work. We have self-awareness and emotional regulation. So the part where he walked away was good but it needs to be used sparingly. If he's just using it to avoid answering questions then he's going to keep the wound festering rather than letting it heal. And the whole gorilla thing . . . what in the world is that? I'm going to guess this man is conflict-avoidant in general. Yeah, he needs therapy yesterday.

As a grown-up, surely he can understand the concept that intentions =/= impact. Does he really think it matters that his intentions were not to hurt you when he engaged in behavior that any idiot could predict WOULD hurt you?

For me, my husband's pity party was about having to give up the OW. He actually tried to vent to me about that. I said, oh, you need to vent about that? and I called his best friend (who was super duper not impressed by DH at this time). Suddenly, when it wasn't dumping on me and trying to reverse victim and perpetrator, and it was just telling an unsympathetic third party about his sadz, poof, no more sadz!

I get the whole "no couples therapy straight away" concept, but the one thing ours was good for was bursting this "woe is me" bubble. My DH had magnified minor faults ("you never ask about my day!" complained the chattier spouse who doesn't usually pause to let me ask questions) and pretended those were justifications for an affair. And he was so confident that he was right and he would just glare at me if I poked holes in his "logic." But having the therapist be like, "I'm sorry, you are arguing WHAT?" or having his best friend be like, "OK, um, I'm really disappointed in you but I guess you wanted to vent about something?" This all helped him see his actions outside of the bubble of our marriage which he had rewritten into some prison or disappointing thing. It was affirming to me to have people see it from the outside. I'm glad you have a best friend on your side now.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PPs so much for sharing.

Did you ever get back to some semblance of normalcy? I hate waking up everyday now. I hate that this is my life. I'm wondering of it gets better or of I need to see my GP about depression meds. I'm really really struggling to do the basic functions of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PPs so much for sharing.

Did you ever get back to some semblance of normalcy? I hate waking up everyday now. I hate that this is my life. I'm wondering of it gets better or of I need to see my GP about depression meds. I'm really really struggling to do the basic functions of the day.

OP, I have not been through an affair, but I have survived several major traumas that initially left me feeling incapacitated. In my situation, it wasn’t like I woke up one day and things were better. There was a lot of two steps forward one step back (which was so demoralizing). Then one day you realize it doesn’t feel quite as god awful as it once did. It’s a grieving process. You won’t go back to the old you, but the new you can be a really good place to be, too. It takes time.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

18:58 here…sorry if that was confusing. I’m not the PP OP was responding to. Just someone who’s seen some cr*p in life and come out the other side.

[Anonymous]

I'm 18:13 (and I've responded other times on this thread). Does a sense of normalcy return? Yes. I think it's like that research that says that people who win the lottery and people who lose a limb experience a period of increased positive or negative emotions, and then they return to their mean. That's how we are designed.

I remember being obsessed with how long all of this turmoil would last. Most affair advice says 2-5 years but I found something that said "18 to 36 months" and I was like, yup, I'll definitely be more like 18 months. LOL SOB. But the truth is that healing from a trauma isn't something you accomplish and then leave behind. At first it's an open wound (where you are now . . . those early days when you can't eat or sleep), then it begins closing. If your WS isn't doing the work then it may fester a bit, or be re-opened with a second DDay. But assuming you aren't dealing with that, it will heal just like any wound. You'll always have a scar, and the memory of the trauma.

That said, of course talk to your GP. It's always better safe than sorry. We can't tell you over the computer if you need meds. I was actually weaning off my SSRI on DDay. I stopped where I was for a month, and then I felt normal enough to keep weaning. I hope you'll feel a bit better in a couple of weeks too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think anyone has mentioned his secret drinking. I am assuming you had NO idea until he told you?

I hope this comes up in your marriage counseling. There is something bigger going on.

And he'll need to address it-- this sounds like he has some sort of alcohol dependency.

No wonder you are reeling... this is a whammy on top of his blowing up at you. I agree with PP that he was re-directing his shame to you.

[Anonymous]

use WhatsApp to communicate with people in Europe for the purpose of purchasing horses and I

I've been shoeing horses all day. Who is your farrier lol

[Anonymous]

In the months after discovery of the affair, my dr put me on Lexapro. I would literally cry all the way to work, and all the way home. I was struggling emotionally. So if you need a temporary (or not so temporary) antidepressant or other med, don't be afraid to talk to your Dr.

Also, I'm not encouraging divorce. But I did divorce mine. I could not live with the fact that he made the mistake of having an affair, but I would have to shoulder the burden of healing from it, even long after he discarded his AP. I'm sure some people get through and past it. I have moved past it (mostly). Without him. It's too much to have to carry that, and also get screamed at while you're trying to process your feelings. In hindsight, I would have cut my husband loose MUCH sooner. You don't owe him a damn thing. Either way, you're going to be ok.

[Anonymous]

PP- thats a HUGE thing I'm feeling right now. Like, ok he can just go eff all this up and I have to put in half the work to repair it and myself to get back to what? A semblance of my (what I thought was) happy life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PPs

He has his first individual therapy today. I know probably bad to start MC and IC on the same day but he is going to see someone that my long time therapist recommended highly and it was the only available appt. He's there now (it's in person).

OP, as one of those who suggested waiting on couples therapy - you’re doing your best. The main thing to watch for is you having to do most of the work in couples; a good couples therapist won’t let that happen. Don’t hesitate to pull back from couples for a while if you feel it’s not serving your interests right now. Your husband has a lot, a LOT of work to do.

I’m sorry he blew up at you this weekend. I think that episode indicates more than anything that this will be a long road and how far he has to come, “good” behavior the past two weeks aside. The latter is nice and all, but wholly insufficient.

Thank you this is helpful

You’re welcome - I’m glad if I can help at all.

Two other points: don’t hesitate to talk to your GP about antidepressants. If they can help you through this time, hey, better living through chemistry.

Second, a PP mentioned your husband’s drinking and I do think that’s important to be aware of. It’s great he told you; I’d assume he’s drinking double what he claims to be. Most people underestimate, deliberately or otherwise. It’s not surprising that he’s using alcohol to cope, unfortunately. Sigh. Sending you a virtual hug.