Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise.  Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids.  And it should be all about the kids.  My XH cheated-[b] after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. [/b] I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well.  Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same.  I don’t hate him.  I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated.  And I have a really, really good life.[/quote]

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.[/quote]

This is the PP and I agree- it was a really rough few years.  But I needed that time to deal with it and grow and move forward.  We did tell the kids we grew apart and they were confused and they didn’t understand initially.  Neither of us ever strayed from that story because it was a complicated situation and they’re kids.  And cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum and there were issues that contributed to it on both sides- complacency with our relationship, taking each other for granted, a loss of respect due to each other’s actions (or more accurately inactions).  We let the marriage die.  We spent the kids early years totally focused on them, our jobs, the house, the pets and the chores.  Our relationship came last.  The cheating was a byproduct of that.  I don’t condone the actions but having had time to reflect and heal I definitely see the role I played in how our marriage ended.  And I can’t with 100% certainty sit here and say that if I wasn’t given a similar opportunity at the time (an attractive person showing me the kind of interest I hadn’t received from my spouse in years, noticing things about me, listening to me and actually paying attention to me as a woman) that I wouldn't have been excited by the attention.  Who knows?  I’ve had a lot of years to contemplate this and analyze it.  I wouldn’t be who I am today if it hadn’t happened to me.  And I sure wasn’t going to spend the rest of my time on this earth being a bitter, miserable, angry person.  But I go back to my original opinion- there is no good reason for the kids to know about the cheating.[/quote]

There is about one sentence here about Kids and nothing about their involvement, their ages, their lives and the rest all about you and your relationship. Who cares. This is about telling kids. You keep expecting your story to be everyone’s cheating story and it just isn’t. It comes across as narcissistic. First off cheating actually happens outside the marriage so it’s not in a vacuum it’s in the world, but it’s not part of the marriage either as you seem to imply a relation. Secondly there is cheating for all sorts of reasons and I cannot repeat this enough on this thread I guess. Your story is not everyone’s story. Some cheaters cheat because they have mental issues. Some because they are narcissists. Some because they are unhappy. Some because they are secretly gay. Some because they don’t really want to be married and have kids and just want the facade. Some because they work away from the home and it’s just easy or the other way around where the spouse is never home. All sorts of reasons. The Ms Marvelous Maisel an example of where the guy was loved and plenty of sex but felt inadequate himself. Brokeback Mountain the guy was gay. Plenty of movies where the guy is a narcissist. All sorts of reasons. Cheating is not always the effect of a marriage being bad as the cause. And I have to wonder. If you have such a good life why are you hear?  I rarely read a thread about cheating till it happened to me. My ex was caught by kids in the act so the cat is out of the bag. My friend has an ex who is moving in with the AP. So most of the people I know either have little kids that it doesn’t make sense for or older kids whom have had to accept this about their dad because of the obvious. So I’ve really just been on here to find out what is the possible effect of kids knowing about the divorce and why since it was an inevitability. The friend with an ex who has an AP was able to settle with 2 months of negotiations out of court with more money than she anticipated. She has the kids most of the time and is really happy comparatively. Had a new job and home. I also have my kids most of the time and my home and a pay increase at work. It’s harder for us but we wouldn’t want to go back so there is no where except forward. So neither of us are bitter and I didn’t come on here to find out if you should or should not be bitter about your ex in front of the kids or if cheating is a terrible thing or not. I came on here to talk about how kids interpret the end of a marriage and a divorce. So can we please get off the topic of whether cheating is ok or bad and whether or not it’s ok to bad mouth your ex? It’s not answering the original question.

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Okay PP here you go- for all of the potential and possible different scenarios for cheating I don’t believe there’s any value at all in telling the kids the intimate details of the infidelity.  It harms the kids, it harms the cheater and the only person it doesn’t harm is the one who tells the story.  Kids need to be able to be kids.  Are you really suggesting like your scenario above that if dad cheated because he realized he was gay that’s truly something that the kids should be told about?  Get some therapy and give it a few years, maybe you’ll change your views on things. [/quote]

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