Would I be a jerk if I backed out of my family member’s bachelorette party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

Many (probably the majority) of air bnb rentals have significant penalties for cancellations so it’s unlikely that they can just “easily” cancel the Airbnb and find an alternative…especially a month or less out in Napa valley. I’m baffled by the people who think that OP should be able to just back out of something that she has not only already committed to but actually paid for because she has had a change of heart and expect the remaining participants to just eat the higher resulting cost.

Why would they cancel? They would just pay the difference which according to OP is $100. If they can expect people to pay an extra $600 and not to mention private masseuses, they can pay the extra $100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

If they can expect OP to pay an extra $600 then for private masseuses then yea, they can the extra $100. Clearly it’s no issue for them.

[Anonymous]

I'm another who thinks that weddings are out of control these days.

That said, you unfortunately agreed and the rest made plans based on your agreement. I don't think it would be fair to them to ask for the $800 back if you cancel. (Even though I'm totally with you in that being a painful amount of money to lose.) If you had all gotten hotel rooms it would be different, but you agreed to a shared accommodation.

But it would not be rude for you to back out of the trip to prevent further spending, and it's ok to say that it's because of the cost. If they offer the money back you can accept it.

[Anonymous]

This is completely insane to expect guests to spend over $2000 for a bachelorette party and then a destination wedding, too? She's expecting people to pay over $4000 to attend her wedding/bachelorette party? None of which was told to you upfront? This is crazy.

Back out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t go. Di merry there will easily be $200/pp. you are looking at another few thousand for food and wine tastings.

Man, I feel sorry for the groom to be. Hope he knows what he is getting into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t go. Di merry there will easily be $200/pp. you are looking at another few thousand for food and wine tastings.

Man, I feel sorry for the groom to be. Hope he knows what he is getting into.

Exactly. Spending upwards of 4K for a wedding is insane. People have wedding budgets for the same price. This is all pretentious and disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

Many (probably the majority) of air bnb rentals have significant penalties for cancellations so it’s unlikely that they can just “easily” cancel the Airbnb and find an alternative…especially a month or less out in Napa valley. I’m baffled by the people who think that OP should be able to just back out of something that she has not only already committed to but actually paid for because she has had a change of heart and expect the remaining participants to just eat the higher resulting cost.

Why would they cancel? They would just pay the difference which according to OP is $100. If they can expect people to pay an extra $600 and not to mention private masseuses, they can pay the extra $100.

It was a response to the pp who literally said they can easily just cancel the Airbnb and look for a cheaper place. Also presumably all 9 of the other attendees are not equally involved in the planning. There’s a good chance there are other participants who like op didn’t do due diligence in inquiring about the cost before committing to attending and already have similar concerns about the costs, who now are going to also have to pay even more if op backs out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t go. Di merry there will easily be $200/pp. you are looking at another few thousand for food and wine tastings.

Man, I feel sorry for the groom to be. Hope he knows what he is getting into.

Exactly. Spending upwards of 4K for a wedding is insane. People have wedding budgets for the same price. This is all pretentious and disgusting. [/quote


It's irrelevant. PEople can spend whatever they want n their wedding. OP doesn't want to pay the expense, that's fine. She doesn't go. She also is unlikely to get her $800 deposit back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

If they can expect OP to pay an extra $600 then for private masseuses then yea, they can the extra $100. Clearly it’s no issue for them.

Exactly. If $800 is no biggie to eat as a "gift" then the rest of the party can pay $100, what's the problem? What's the cancellation policy, can you usually cancel up until a month out? This trip is next month so likely within the cancellation period. Or bride can just pay for herself, why do brides expect an all expense paid trip? I'd feel like an ass accepting that money from a cousin who can't quite afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t go. Di merry there will easily be $200/pp. you are looking at another few thousand for food and wine tastings.

Man, I feel sorry for the groom to be. Hope he knows what he is getting into.

Exactly. Spending upwards of 4K for a wedding is insane. People have wedding budgets for the same price. This is all pretentious and disgusting. [/quote


It's irrelevant. PEople can spend whatever they want n their wedding. OP doesn't want to pay the expense, that's fine. She doesn't go. She also is unlikely to get her $800 deposit back.

Yes, people can spend whatever they want to on their wedding. Expecting people to spend whatever you want for your wedding is definitely relevant. This is the incredibly inconsiderate part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

If they can expect OP to pay an extra $600 then for private masseuses then yea, they can the extra $100. Clearly it’s no issue for them.

Where did anyone mention $600 for a private masseuse? You just made that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t go. Di merry there will easily be $200/pp. you are looking at another few thousand for food and wine tastings.

Man, I feel sorry for the groom to be. Hope he knows what he is getting into.

Exactly. Spending upwards of 4K for a wedding is insane. People have wedding budgets for the same price. This is all pretentious and disgusting. [/quote


It's irrelevant. PEople can spend whatever they want n their wedding. OP doesn't want to pay the expense, that's fine. She doesn't go. She also is unlikely to get her $800 deposit back.

Yes, people can spend whatever they want to on their wedding. Expecting people to spend whatever you want for your wedding is definitely relevant. This is the incredibly inconsiderate part.

Actually no it isn't. It's not OP's wedding so she has no say in the expense so going on about a wedding being too much is irrelevant. It also isn't OP's place to tell her cousin what she thinks is acceptable for her to spend so also irrelevant.

OP can let her cousin know that the cost to attend is greater than she anticipated and she will have to back out due to budget, be gracious about it ie not turn it into a crusade against extravagant weddings, and not ask for the $800 that she agreed too. Wishe her cousin well and move n.

[Anonymous]

Spend 5k on total for a wedding, using your PTO, and potentially get covid?
So what happens if you’re exposed or get Covid between now and then?

All of this just seems pretty stupid. Don’t go. Save your money and protect your health

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

If they can expect OP to pay an extra $600 then for private masseuses then yea, they can the extra $100. Clearly it’s no issue for them.

Where did anyone mention $600 for a private masseuse? You just made that up.

Where is the rule written down that you can't back out of a poorly planned trip for any reason and can't ask for a refund and must donate the deposit as a gift?