Constantly rejected and I'm feeling embarrassed. I'm not sure what to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can someone please explain why being a sports fan is a red flag?

+1 WTH

If someone judges an enthusiastic sports fan because they’re not an athlete themselves, well - that is a red flag, about *them*.

"an enthusiastic sports fan ... not an athlete" =/= "uber fans into sports who never played"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here.
What did the last guys you went out with look like and do for a living? Also, you said you're bi-racial. What race/ethnicity were they?

I ask a superficial question because the answer you got from them seems like BS, so I imagine there's more to it that they just didn't want to say.

Where did OP say she’s biracial?

Page 3. My mistake, she said multi-racial.

[Anonymous]

Cosplaying about sports to have an identity or something to talk about or bond over without any other ties to the sport intrinsically is about *them,* PP.

Being a fan of Van Gogh but being unable to paint myself? Sure. Uber fan of Van Gogh that wears Van Gogh themed clothing, decorates my house all in Van Gogh themed tchotchkes, and turns conversational topics into discussion about how into Van Gogh I am, and bringing that up on a first date as a matter of identity, etc? Weird enough to be a red flag.

Don't read to much into "red flag." It just means a flag, or something to assess more closely, not a final judgment.

Do read more into "uber" fan. I don't know if OP is an uber fan, but it indicates more than just an enthusiastic fan.

[Anonymous]

You are trying fight above your weight class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cosplaying about sports to have an identity or something to talk about or bond over without any other ties to the sport intrinsically is about *them,* PP.

Being a fan of Van Gogh but being unable to paint myself? Sure. Uber fan of Van Gogh that wears Van Gogh themed clothing, decorates my house all in Van Gogh themed tchotchkes, and turns conversational topics into discussion about how into Van Gogh I am, and bringing that up on a first date as a matter of identity, etc? Weird enough to be a red flag.

Don't read to much into "red flag." It just means a flag, or something to assess more closely, not a final judgment.

Do read more into "uber" fan. I don't know if OP is an uber fan, but it indicates more than just an enthusiastic fan.

Seems like reading too much into things is your specialty. How you went from OP mentioning a love of sports to her “cosplaying” is the epitome of reading into things! Your not seeing the irony is A RED FLAG.

[Anonymous]

Op here, I'm not an Uber fan of sports. I just like them enough to watch games on TV, attend a couple of games a season and I have some shirts and random knick knacks of my favorite teams. Nothing crazy. And also yes, I'm multi racial and I tend to date other minorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can someone please explain why being a sports fan is a red flag?

+1 WTH

If someone judges an enthusiastic sports fan because they’re not an athlete themselves, well - that is a red flag, about *them*.

Okay. IME people like this get really competitive when there’s nothing at stake for them and they have nothing to do with it. It’s also boring AF. I used to watch a lot of soccer and I still love the game but listening to people who’ve never played give endless opinions on the game is the worst. I don’t want to talk about it. I want to play it and sometimes watch it. Different strokes I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I'm not an Uber fan of sports. I just like them enough to watch games on TV, attend a couple of games a season and I have some shirts and random knick knacks of my favorite teams. Nothing crazy. And also yes, I'm multi racial and I tend to date other minorities.

PP here. You sound normal. Go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are trying fight above your weight class.

Op here, I'm honestly not even sure what guys are my type at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cosplaying about sports to have an identity or something to talk about or bond over without any other ties to the sport intrinsically is about *them,* PP.

Being a fan of Van Gogh but being unable to paint myself? Sure. Uber fan of Van Gogh that wears Van Gogh themed clothing, decorates my house all in Van Gogh themed tchotchkes, and turns conversational topics into discussion about how into Van Gogh I am, and bringing that up on a first date as a matter of identity, etc? Weird enough to be a red flag.

Don't read to much into "red flag." It just means a flag, or something to assess more closely, not a final judgment.

Do read more into "uber" fan. I don't know if OP is an uber fan, but it indicates more than just an enthusiastic fan.

Seems like reading too much into things is your specialty. How you went from OP mentioning a love of sports to her “cosplaying” is the epitome of reading into things! Your not seeing the irony is A RED FLAG.

Yeah, you don't know how DCUM works.

I responded to someone who mentioned uber fans, and I agreed that uber fans (who don't play sports themselves) would be a red flag for me, too. I never said anything about OP, at least not until I just specifically said that I don't know if she is an uber fan or not.

There is more than one person in the conversation, PP. Actually, there are lots. It's an illuminating realization.

[Anonymous]

^^But if you are super-defensive, then yes, you will read too much into things and assume things that are not true. Try not ot do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you play bball yourself? I find it weird to be a huge sports fan and never have played. I also find it weird to be a huge sports fan in general. And I played D1 soccer in college and love the game. But past the age of 30, it’s just weird for that to take up mental space on a regular basis. Follow a team and go to games, sure but that’s weird that that’s the first thing you said about yourself f you never even identified as a player.

Np I think it isn't weird at all. Would you say the same about art or music? That you can't enjoy musicals or concerts or go to art museums if you don't do those activities yourself?
You ate ridiculous, pp

[Anonymous]

Just merely enjoying musical or concerts or art museums is not the same as being "that’s the first thing you said about yourself if you never even identified as a player."

Enjoying isn't the same thing as adopting as your primary identity, and I think it's the latter that people are side-eyeing. Mischaracterizing that as something much milder doesn't actually amount to a criticism. It's a straw man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cosplaying about sports to have an identity or something to talk about or bond over without any other ties to the sport intrinsically is about *them,* PP.

Being a fan of Van Gogh but being unable to paint myself? Sure. Uber fan of Van Gogh that wears Van Gogh themed clothing, decorates my house all in Van Gogh themed tchotchkes, and turns conversational topics into discussion about how into Van Gogh I am, and bringing that up on a first date as a matter of identity, etc? Weird enough to be a red flag.

Don't read to much into "red flag." It just means a flag, or something to assess more closely, not a final judgment.

Do read more into "uber" fan. I don't know if OP is an uber fan, but it indicates more than just an enthusiastic fan.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really sound like a fantastic catch, and so I think it may be your mindset that needs a little help.

I was like you and could suddenly feel really shy around guys and had trouble relaxing and engaging. I then thought about how I was so different with my friends and colleagues and decided, "Hey, I just met this guys so I don't really have anything invested. I just want to enjoy myself and have a good time." That helped me move from feeling shy/uncomfortable to just relaxing and being myself.

It also helped that I tried to make dating like a hobby- it was something I was going to do once a week, and I was going to get better at it. I became much better in having dynamic conversations, perfecting my date outfits, and not taking it all so seriously. I found the repetition helpful: you're kind of going to have at least several minutes of the exact same conversation on every date about who you are/what's your story, having a go-to casual and a fancier date outfit, makeup routine, etc. Practice may not make perfect, but it did make me less stressed and awkward.

I also had it confirmed by my friends and my now boyfriend that initial attraction matters. I also go for comfort over cute, but I made sure to always wear fitted clothes for every date. I love flowy dresses but that can be the kiss of death apparently with some guys.

OP this is going to be the most helpful advice. Just do this. Don’t worry about the sports thing or the what level you are or whatever, just these things.