Constantly rejected and I'm feeling embarrassed. I'm not sure what to do

[Anonymous]

I'm 35 and I've never had a serious relationship. I dated someone 2 years ago who broke up with me and said I was very nice and sweet and anyone would be lucky to have me. Prior to that I was cheated on and I had a fwb before meeting my unfaithful ex. I have dated online and met people in person and the same results. People seem to want to date me because I'm nice and feel like I shouldn't be alone, but that isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I'm quite embarrassed as I do desire marriage and long-term partnership, but I can barely get into a relationship and I just don't see it happening. I'm the only one out of my friends who is in this situation, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP

My guess is you are picking wrong guys

[Anonymous]

I'm just a bit older than you and it's the same for me. It seems so easy fo everyone else. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong.

[Anonymous]

You’re super young and had a devastating heartbreak. Give yourself time to heal, stay encouraged, and love on yourself always. You’ll be much happier and it will radiate in a way you’ll either find someone who will stick around or won’t care whether or not they do (trust that the right one will).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs OP

My guess is you are picking wrong guys

I'm not sure how to pick the right ones at this point. Educated, goal-oriented, and family-oriented like myself. Preferably not too extroverted. I've honestly never understood how dating works. It just never came naturally to me.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. I think I've dated your type before. My guess is you're not that outgoing on dates in terms of asking questions of the other person, or talking about yourself. You can read books to learn how to be better at this -- it's kind of like networking in a professional context, but different topics. Even the classic "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie can be a help here.

Basically, you want to be someone the person remembers after the date. You probably are already interesting, but you need to "sell" yourself.

[Anonymous]

I've never been an outgoing person. Maybe most people would consider me boring. Networking is the only type of socialization that is easy to me. Dating and friendships are something that I've always struggled with. I just don't understand them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re super young and had a devastating heartbreak. Give yourself time to heal, stay encouraged, and love on yourself always. You’ll be much happier and it will radiate in a way you’ll either find someone who will stick around or won’t care whether or not they do (trust that the right one will).

35 is young? In terms of dating anyway.

[Anonymous]

Pick a couple of your most trustworthy friends and have them be honest with you. Often times people sugarcoat things to avoid hurting your feelings, but they know what the issues are because they see them. Are you in a mental space where you can accept their honest observations and not be angry at them or hold it against them? If so, talk to your friends. I can almost guarantee they have observed things that will give you an idea of what the issues are that are prventing you from having a good LTR.

[Anonymous]

OP, I dated someone who sounds like you. Nice woman, attractive, dressed well. But what is nice? She was polite to wait staff and kind to animals?

What she didn't have was real hobbies, curiosities, and a life plan. Nothing to make me think she had strong opinions about anything. Looked her up a few years ago and her life did not wind up being so great and that's sad. What are you doing to make yourself an interesting person so that someone wants to know you better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I dated someone who sounds like you. Nice woman, attractive, dressed well. But what is nice? She was polite to wait staff and kind to animals?

What she didn't have was real hobbies, curiosities, and a life plan. Nothing to make me think she had strong opinions about anything. Looked her up a few years ago and her life did not wind up being so great and that's sad. What are you doing to make yourself an interesting person so that someone wants to know you better?

So I think these two guys are probably right, but their advice is not coming at it from the right angle. As a woman who was not meeting the guys I wanted here my $.02.

Find out what you like, not to be an interesting person, but because you think it is interesting. Find out more about that whatever it is: gardening, canoeing, hiking, cooking, working on cars, whatever. THEN, start dating, but think about the qualities YOU want in a LTR partner. If you are constantly trying to be an interesting person for someone else, or make yourself into who someone else wants you to be, it won’t go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I dated someone who sounds like you. Nice woman, attractive, dressed well. But what is nice? She was polite to wait staff and kind to animals?

What she didn't have was real hobbies, curiosities, and a life plan. Nothing to make me think she had strong opinions about anything. Looked her up a few years ago and her life did not wind up being so great and that's sad. What are you doing to make yourself an interesting person so that someone wants to know you better?

So I think these two guys are probably right, but their advice is not coming at it from the right angle. As a woman who was not meeting the guys I wanted here my $.02.

Find out what you like, not to be an interesting person, but because you think it is interesting. Find out more about that whatever it is: gardening, canoeing, hiking, cooking, working on cars, whatever. THEN, start dating, but think about the qualities YOU want in a LTR partner. If you are constantly trying to be an interesting person for someone else, or make yourself into who someone else wants you to be, it won’t go well.

I'm the pp and couldn't agree more. Not saying she has to hike in Nepal, learn five languages, and sail across the Atlantic. Just have something that motivates you and is part of your story.

[Anonymous]

You have to do some serious numbers. Go on all the apps and swipe yes on almost everyone. Don’t message anyone more than twice - just set up coffee in a convenient location. If they want to keep messaging, move on. Aim for 1-3 coffees a week. Assume you will need 20 coffees for a second date and 20 second dates for a 3rd date. You will get really good at it! If they go badly, don’t worry, you have another one scheduled for Thursday or whenever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and I've never had a serious relationship. I dated someone 2 years ago who broke up with me and said I was very nice and sweet and anyone would be lucky to have me. Prior to that I was cheated on and I had a fwb before meeting my unfaithful ex. I have dated online and met people in person and the same results. People seem to want to date me because I'm nice and feel like I shouldn't be alone, but that isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I'm quite embarrassed as I do desire marriage and long-term partnership, but I can barely get into a relationship and I just don't see it happening. I'm the only one out of my friends who is in this situation, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

What are your interests, OP? What is your personality like?

[Anonymous]

You need a match maker or you need friends to pick your dates.