Constantly rejected and I'm feeling embarrassed. I'm not sure what to do

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example of how a typical date goes for you? Conversation etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and I've never had a serious relationship. I dated someone 2 years ago who broke up with me and said I was very nice and sweet and anyone would be lucky to have me. Prior to that I was cheated on and I had a fwb before meeting my unfaithful ex. I have dated online and met people in person and the same results. People seem to want to date me because I'm nice and feel like I shouldn't be alone, but that isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I'm quite embarrassed as I do desire marriage and long-term partnership, but I can barely get into a relationship and I just don't see it happening. I'm the only one out of my friends who is in this situation, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

Could you be holding back for fear of being hurt again? You honestly do seem great the way you describe yourself, so I wonder if it's a bit of this. not letting yourself be open enough and a little bit vulnerable for fear of having it end badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and I've never had a serious relationship. I dated someone 2 years ago who broke up with me and said I was very nice and sweet and anyone would be lucky to have me. Prior to that I was cheated on and I had a fwb before meeting my unfaithful ex. I have dated online and met people in person and the same results. People seem to want to date me because I'm nice and feel like I shouldn't be alone, but that isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I'm quite embarrassed as I do desire marriage and long-term partnership, but I can barely get into a relationship and I just don't see it happening. I'm the only one out of my friends who is in this situation, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

What are your interests, OP? What is your personality like?

I'm a huge sports fan, basketball specifically. My dad was a high school coach and my sibling played at the college level, so it's a big part of my life. Dating a sports fan is a must for me. I also love cooking, one of my favorite things to do with a partner. I read periodically and I love going to comedy shows and theater shows(live music and plays). Traveling is also an interest of mine.
I'm very low key and it can sometimes take awhile for me to come out of my shell as I'm shy, especially when it comes to dating. I'm confident elsewhere. I'm excelling in my career, but those skills haven't translated to my dating life.

OK so you sound pretty great! You just need a basketball guy, or a basketball-adjacent guy. How would you rate yourself in terms of attractiveness?

I'm likely a 6-7, so about average. 5'5" and 150lbs, size 6. Think cute, nerdy, with glasses. I'm kind of a plain jane, but dress up when necessary. I choose comfort over being cute however.

I know plenty of women who fit this description in relationships. What kind of guys do you go for . OP?

Nerdy types who like sports. Although, the last guy did like sports, he didn't like music and preferred NPR and podcasts. That would be an issue down the line because I like to jam out sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and I've never had a serious relationship. I dated someone 2 years ago who broke up with me and said I was very nice and sweet and anyone would be lucky to have me. Prior to that I was cheated on and I had a fwb before meeting my unfaithful ex. I have dated online and met people in person and the same results. People seem to want to date me because I'm nice and feel like I shouldn't be alone, but that isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I'm quite embarrassed as I do desire marriage and long-term partnership, but I can barely get into a relationship and I just don't see it happening. I'm the only one out of my friends who is in this situation, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

What are your interests, OP? What is your personality like?

I'm a huge sports fan, basketball specifically. My dad was a high school coach and my sibling played at the college level, so it's a big part of my life. Dating a sports fan is a must for me. I also love cooking, one of my favorite things to do with a partner. I read periodically and I love going to comedy shows and theater shows(live music and plays). Traveling is also an interest of mine.
I'm very low key and it can sometimes take awhile for me to come out of my shell as I'm shy, especially when it comes to dating. I'm confident elsewhere. I'm excelling in my career, but those skills haven't translated to my dating life.

OK so you sound pretty great! You just need a basketball guy, or a basketball-adjacent guy. How would you rate yourself in terms of attractiveness?

I'm likely a 6-7, so about average. 5'5" and 150lbs, size 6. Think cute, nerdy, with glasses. I'm kind of a plain jane, but dress up when necessary. I choose comfort over being cute however.

PP here. Do you have any dating profiles? Do you mention being a sports fan on them? I feel like you would be getting some hits that way.

I do mention that I'm a sports fan and have a couple of pics of my self at Wizards and Nats games. Kinda like most people have hiking pics, I have sports pics.

[Anonymous]

I would loose 20lbs. You are a tad overweight and probably attract men that look down on you…and the weight probably affects your self esteem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and I've never had a serious relationship. I dated someone 2 years ago who broke up with me and said I was very nice and sweet and anyone would be lucky to have me. Prior to that I was cheated on and I had a fwb before meeting my unfaithful ex. I have dated online and met people in person and the same results. People seem to want to date me because I'm nice and feel like I shouldn't be alone, but that isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I'm quite embarrassed as I do desire marriage and long-term partnership, but I can barely get into a relationship and I just don't see it happening. I'm the only one out of my friends who is in this situation, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

Could you be holding back for fear of being hurt again? You honestly do seem great the way you describe yourself, so I wonder if it's a bit of this. not letting yourself be open enough and a little bit vulnerable for fear of having it end badly.

I seriously think that this is it! That experience was horrible for me and sent me into a depression. With the last guy, I felt like I want to open up and be "vulnerable", but couldn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would loose 20lbs. You are a tad overweight and probably attract men that look down on you…and the weight probably affects your self esteem

Overweight? I wear a size small(I'm also multi-racial) and while I was previously more athletic(and stopped due to injury), I was so bony and skinny! I'm happy with my weight now.

[Anonymous]

Describe yourself and describe the type of guy you seek out for dates. Maybe you are picking the wrong type?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and I've never had a serious relationship. I dated someone 2 years ago who broke up with me and said I was very nice and sweet and anyone would be lucky to have me. Prior to that I was cheated on and I had a fwb before meeting my unfaithful ex. I have dated online and met people in person and the same results. People seem to want to date me because I'm nice and feel like I shouldn't be alone, but that isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I'm quite embarrassed as I do desire marriage and long-term partnership, but I can barely get into a relationship and I just don't see it happening. I'm the only one out of my friends who is in this situation, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

Could you be holding back for fear of being hurt again? You honestly do seem great the way you describe yourself, so I wonder if it's a bit of this. not letting yourself be open enough and a little bit vulnerable for fear of having it end badly.

I seriously think that this is it! That experience was horrible for me and sent me into a depression. With the last guy, I felt like I want to open up and be "vulnerable", but couldn't

I've been there OP and it's rough. For me, a few months of therapy helped not just for the heartbreak situation, but I also had some other issues, that needed tending to, and it really helped, 2.5 years later things are very different for me and I'm feeling more open again. I'm not saying you need 2.5 years, but do try and heal that wound so you can allow yourself to find your person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would loose 20lbs. You are a tad overweight and probably attract men that look down on you…and the weight probably affects your self esteem

Go away

[Anonymous]

I’m trying to understand what you mean when you say that guys (initially)want to date you because they “don’t want you to be alone”. I can’t imagine that’s anyone’s motivation and I’m just wondering where that perception comes from.

In truth, you sound great! Dating is really hard, especially now with the rotating door of people through dating apps. It’s very possible you just haven’t met the right person, like so many people in the same boat.

It would be detrimental to internalize these rejections. I’d focus on building up your self-esteem, and doing things that enrich your life, bring you enjoyment and feed your soul - whatever constitutes self-care for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and I've never had a serious relationship. I dated someone 2 years ago who broke up with me and said I was very nice and sweet and anyone would be lucky to have me. Prior to that I was cheated on and I had a fwb before meeting my unfaithful ex. I have dated online and met people in person and the same results. People seem to want to date me because I'm nice and feel like I shouldn't be alone, but that isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I'm quite embarrassed as I do desire marriage and long-term partnership, but I can barely get into a relationship and I just don't see it happening. I'm the only one out of my friends who is in this situation, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

What are your interests, OP? What is your personality like?

I'm a huge sports fan, basketball specifically. My dad was a high school coach and my sibling played at the college level, so it's a big part of my life. Dating a sports fan is a must for me. I also love cooking, one of my favorite things to do with a partner. I read periodically and I love going to comedy shows and theater shows(live music and plays). Traveling is also an interest of mine.
I'm very low key and it can sometimes take awhile for me to come out of my shell as I'm shy, especially when it comes to dating. I'm confident elsewhere. I'm excelling in my career, but those skills haven't translated to my dating life.

OK so you sound pretty great! You just need a basketball guy, or a basketball-adjacent guy. How would you rate yourself in terms of attractiveness?

I'm likely a 6-7, so about average. 5'5" and 150lbs, size 6. Think cute, nerdy, with glasses. I'm kind of a plain jane, but dress up when necessary. I choose comfort over being cute however.

I know plenty of women who fit this description in relationships. What kind of guys do you go for . OP?

Nerdy types who like sports. Although, the last guy did like sports, he didn't like music and preferred NPR and podcasts. That would be an issue down the line because I like to jam out sometimes.

OP, and I say this gently, there's a certain rigidity here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and I've never had a serious relationship. I dated someone 2 years ago who broke up with me and said I was very nice and sweet and anyone would be lucky to have me. Prior to that I was cheated on and I had a fwb before meeting my unfaithful ex. I have dated online and met people in person and the same results. People seem to want to date me because I'm nice and feel like I shouldn't be alone, but that isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I'm quite embarrassed as I do desire marriage and long-term partnership, but I can barely get into a relationship and I just don't see it happening. I'm the only one out of my friends who is in this situation, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

What are your interests, OP? What is your personality like?

I'm a huge sports fan, basketball specifically. My dad was a high school coach and my sibling played at the college level, so it's a big part of my life. Dating a sports fan is a must for me. I also love cooking, one of my favorite things to do with a partner. I read periodically and I love going to comedy shows and theater shows(live music and plays). Traveling is also an interest of mine.
I'm very low key and it can sometimes take awhile for me to come out of my shell as I'm shy, especially when it comes to dating. I'm confident elsewhere. I'm excelling in my career, but those skills haven't translated to my dating life.

OK so you sound pretty great! You just need a basketball guy, or a basketball-adjacent guy. How would you rate yourself in terms of attractiveness?

I'm likely a 6-7, so about average. 5'5" and 150lbs, size 6. Think cute, nerdy, with glasses. I'm kind of a plain jane, but dress up when necessary. I choose comfort over being cute however.

I know plenty of women who fit this description in relationships. What kind of guys do you go for . OP?

Nerdy types who like sports. Although, the last guy did like sports, he didn't like music and preferred NPR and podcasts. That would be an issue down the line because I like to jam out sometimes.

OP, and I say this gently, there's a certain rigidity here.

I actually think this is one of op's defense mechanisms she deploys to avoid being hurt again She finds reasons even very silly ones as for why things won't work out with a guy and therefore she won't open up. It seems rigid, but it makes perfect sense when you view it through the lens of trying to prevent hurt again. I really think OP needs mayve a few sessions of therapy to help heal the past hurt so she can move forward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and I've never had a serious relationship. I dated someone 2 years ago who broke up with me and said I was very nice and sweet and anyone would be lucky to have me. Prior to that I was cheated on and I had a fwb before meeting my unfaithful ex. I have dated online and met people in person and the same results. People seem to want to date me because I'm nice and feel like I shouldn't be alone, but that isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I'm quite embarrassed as I do desire marriage and long-term partnership, but I can barely get into a relationship and I just don't see it happening. I'm the only one out of my friends who is in this situation, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

What are your interests, OP? What is your personality like?

I'm a huge sports fan, basketball specifically. My dad was a high school coach and my sibling played at the college level, so it's a big part of my life. Dating a sports fan is a must for me. I also love cooking, one of my favorite things to do with a partner. I read periodically and I love going to comedy shows and theater shows(live music and plays). Traveling is also an interest of mine.
I'm very low key and it can sometimes take awhile for me to come out of my shell as I'm shy, especially when it comes to dating. I'm confident elsewhere. I'm excelling in my career, but those skills haven't translated to my dating life.

OK so you sound pretty great! You just need a basketball guy, or a basketball-adjacent guy. How would you rate yourself in terms of attractiveness?

I'm likely a 6-7, so about average. 5'5" and 150lbs, size 6. Think cute, nerdy, with glasses. I'm kind of a plain jane, but dress up when necessary. I choose comfort over being cute however.

I know plenty of women who fit this description in relationships. What kind of guys do you go for . OP?

Nerdy types who like sports. Although, the last guy did like sports, he didn't like music and preferred NPR and podcasts. That would be an issue down the line because I like to jam out sometimes.

OP, and I say this gently, there's a certain rigidity here.

I actually think this is one of op's defense mechanisms she deploys to avoid being hurt again She finds reasons even very silly ones as for why things won't work out with a guy and therefore she won't open up. It seems rigid, but it makes perfect sense when you view it through the lens of trying to prevent hurt again. I really think OP needs mayve a few sessions of therapy to help heal the past hurt so she can move forward

PP here, and I do not disagree.

As has been stated before, there's only one constant in all these failed relationships. Start there. It doesn't mean you are bad, or broken, or tainted, OP, but if you don't deal with what you have that may be getting int he way of what you want, you'll just bring it into the next relationship -- and likely straight through to the next ending of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really sound like a fantastic catch, and so I think it may be your mindset that needs a little help.

I was like you and could suddenly feel really shy around guys and had trouble relaxing and engaging. I then thought about how I was so different with my friends and colleagues and decided, "Hey, I just met this guys so I don't really have anything invested. I just want to enjoy myself and have a good time." That helped me move from feeling shy/uncomfortable to just relaxing and being myself.

It also helped that I tried to make dating like a hobby- it was something I was going to do once a week, and I was going to get better at it. I became much better in having dynamic conversations, perfecting my date outfits, and not taking it all so seriously. I found the repetition helpful: you're kind of going to have at least several minutes of the exact same conversation on every date about who you are/what's your story, having a go-to casual and a fancier date outfit, makeup routine, etc. Practice may not make perfect, but it did make me less stressed and awkward.

I also had it confirmed by my friends and my now boyfriend that initial attraction matters. I also go for comfort over cute, but I made sure to always wear fitted clothes for every date. I love flowy dresses but that can be the kiss of death apparently with some guys.