When Does It Start Getting Easier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three in the 'bad' time. Ages almost 6, almost 4 and 18 months. We also work full time and have no family help. Closest grandparents are an 8 hour drive away.

I think the person who said it is your temperament and your kids temperament that matters most is on point. And your income TBH.

Our lives are not bad! Although I feel like we are at a point where in a year we will be in a much easier space than we are even now. But we were not struggling when it was the two of them. Especially when we had a nanny, which we had until last June. For me I think the things it comes down to are...

1) If you don't have family nearby, you do need robust and reliable childcare options. Reliable sitters and reliable nanny/daycare. When we had a nanny we had date night built into her salary, every other week she would stay late for a date night. That one night every other week was an important pressure valve for us through those really demanding early months and ensured we made time for each other and because it was the nanny the kids were great with it.

2) Become a psycho sleep person. We are chill people, but we're not chill about sleep. Kids aren't in our beds and they are on a steady reliable daily sleep schedule. We have never been reading books to a 2 year old at 2 am. There is no getting water at 5am. There is sleeping time and awake time and we drill this in from like, I mean we started soft pushing towards a schedule at like 4 weeks old (NOT sleep training then but like, getting them into a schedule then). My kids all slept through the night by 6 weeks with one wake up for a feeding, and slept through entirely by 6-9 months and went to a single nap at 12 months. We have orbited around sleep for almost 5 years, but it makes all of us happier.

3) We are very routine driven people naturally and that helps. Our days do not change very much. Our kids know what to expect. And we kind of have accepted that until our youngest gets to the point where she can occasionally skip naps, that its just less fun to go out and do stuff as a family, so we just don't. We set up our house to be fun and very very kid oriented.

4) I am putting this as 4 but it is IMO the most important one. You need an egalitarian marriage and distribution of work in the household. Or we did. My husband does every load of laundry in this house. Even mine. He did 50% of the night wake ups and feedings, he wakes up and does mornings every other day (and sleeps in the other every other days). he does 50% of the bedtimes. He is 110% capable of watching the kids and doing a triple bedtime if I want to go out with friends and I am capable of doing it so he can do his team sports once a week. We carry each other's burdens and we do it consciously, willingly, and with love.

5) We both have careers, but neither of us has a CAREER. No one needs to work until 11pm. Neither of us are ambitious. We have good paying jobs and we are both entirely satisfied with putting any type of career advancement on the back burner for a few years. And that is BOTH of us, neither of us expects the other to carry the bag while we go off otherwise fulfilled. But we are also present in our careers and both of us are well regarded and respected. And, due to number 4, if one of us does need to put more time into work for some reason, the other one is happy to step up for a bit. We're just not out there seeking promotions etc.

5) You gotta be a little go with the flow and you have to be ok with the chaos. My house is messy a lot. I try to keep up but I don't always keep up. Sometimes you have to not do something you want to do because a kid started puking, and not carry around anger about it. I'm ok with mac and cheese dinners once a week and not making my kids organic chickpea salads every night.

All that said, as I kind of alluded to earlier, every day is a little easier. When my youngest was 9-15 months I think that was the hardest time we went through. She was mobile and a loose cannon and the other two still so little. But literally every month is better as she gets more competent, can understand no, etc. We're about to say goodbye to bottles forever (woohoo!) and within a year I think we will be saying goodbye to diapers! Saying goodbye to formula was huge. We are in a position where every few months we get to offload some large 'baby' responsibility. Now they can all walk if we need them to! I think that when the youngest is like 2.5-3 we will be in a MUCH easier place, and every year after that!

I will say the one thing that really rings true is that it is harder to give them all the individual attention they need. My oldest I think in particular doesn't always get everything she needs from us and I've been trying to consciously put more time in with her. But they are also a little pack and love each other so much. We work hard on building a culture of how important family is, being there for each other, sticking up for each other, being a GOOD brother and a GOOD sister etc. And so there are pros and cons.

This is really long. I feel like the TL/DR is, if you can let go a bit and work hard to set up the infrastructure you need to feel supported and happy and healthy then three is doable. But if you can't, then stopping at 2 is fine!

i like you

I also really liked this post. I have two and they are younger than hours but so much of this resonated with our home and lifestyle and goals right now. And we don't even plan to have a third. You seem very nice and grounded, PP!

[Anonymous]

I have a 3.5 year old and I’m pregnant with my second (we both work) and it’s not easier lol I’m reading these and I’m just going to say it…it never gets easier. I think you have it easy that you successfully finished giving birth and pregnancy ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

You are taking my post way, way too personally. Go back and re-read what you wrote: "the reward comes in 30 years." Your phrasing, not mine. That's a fairly clear statement about how you view things now (hard, also in your words) vs. what you're looking towards. I see the reward as the years I'm living now, not what might happen in the future.

Also, very few parents of 3+ kids prioritize one on one time. Most of us who chose to have that many enjoy at least some aspects of the outnumbered dynamic. If you're always one on one, that's qualitatively different. Not bad, mind you, but different. You might want to think about why you're so defensive on this issue.

This entire thread is about when will it get easier...I'm giving the perspective that a lot of us get through the hard years by looking at the long view. OP is in the thick of it now and wants to know. Glad you think these years are fine, not everyone has that experience. Take your judgement elsewhere if you have nothing constructive to add.

The constructive piece is that living for 30 years in the future doesn’t generally make for sound decision-making, which your disproportionately angry responses demonstrate pretty darn well.

Those of us who are less angry may be so in part because we didn’t deliberately overextend ourselves and were clear about our limits, even if that meant foregoing something we’d long hoped for (e.g., having another child).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

You are taking my post way, way too personally. Go back and re-read what you wrote: "the reward comes in 30 years." Your phrasing, not mine. That's a fairly clear statement about how you view things now (hard, also in your words) vs. what you're looking towards. I see the reward as the years I'm living now, not what might happen in the future.

Also, very few parents of 3+ kids prioritize one on one time. Most of us who chose to have that many enjoy at least some aspects of the outnumbered dynamic. If you're always one on one, that's qualitatively different. Not bad, mind you, but different. You might want to think about why you're so defensive on this issue.

This entire thread is about when will it get easier...I'm giving the perspective that a lot of us get through the hard years by looking at the long view. OP is in the thick of it now and wants to know. Glad you think these years are fine, not everyone has that experience. Take your judgement elsewhere if you have nothing constructive to add.

The constructive piece is that living for 30 years in the future doesn’t generally make for sound decision-making, which your disproportionately angry responses demonstrate pretty darn well.

Those of us who are less angry may be so in part because we didn’t deliberately overextend ourselves and were clear about our limits, even if that meant foregoing something we’d long hoped for (e.g., having another child).

DP. You are really ridiculous. Seriously. I mean yes of course no one should have a child that would hurt their marriage or severely overextend their family just to have a 'big' family. But making decisions today that will benefit the you 30 years from now is like...basically how our whole society runs.

Why are you doing algebra at 15? To get into college which will get you a job which will help you be stable etc etc.

Why are you putting money into retirement today? So that old you has some money of course.

Why did you buy a house instead of renting and flitting about the world? So old you has a place to live and stability!

Why don't you eat chocolate cake and french fries all day? So old you will be alive to enjoy all the things you're creating.

Acting like the decisions you make about how to build your family are totally separate from the way you see and desire your future to be is just ignorant of how humans (and like, time) work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three in the 'bad' time. Ages almost 6, almost 4 and 18 months. We also work full time and have no family help. Closest grandparents are an 8 hour drive away.

I think the person who said it is your temperament and your kids temperament that matters most is on point. And your income TBH.

Our lives are not bad! Although I feel like we are at a point where in a year we will be in a much easier space than we are even now. But we were not struggling when it was the two of them. Especially when we had a nanny, which we had until last June. For me I think the things it comes down to are...

1) If you don't have family nearby, you do need robust and reliable childcare options. Reliable sitters and reliable nanny/daycare. When we had a nanny we had date night built into her salary, every other week she would stay late for a date night. That one night every other week was an important pressure valve for us through those really demanding early months and ensured we made time for each other and because it was the nanny the kids were great with it.

2) Become a psycho sleep person. We are chill people, but we're not chill about sleep. Kids aren't in our beds and they are on a steady reliable daily sleep schedule. We have never been reading books to a 2 year old at 2 am. There is no getting water at 5am. There is sleeping time and awake time and we drill this in from like, I mean we started soft pushing towards a schedule at like 4 weeks old (NOT sleep training then but like, getting them into a schedule then). My kids all slept through the night by 6 weeks with one wake up for a feeding, and slept through entirely by 6-9 months and went to a single nap at 12 months. We have orbited around sleep for almost 5 years, but it makes all of us happier.

3) We are very routine driven people naturally and that helps. Our days do not change very much. Our kids know what to expect. And we kind of have accepted that until our youngest gets to the point where she can occasionally skip naps, that its just less fun to go out and do stuff as a family, so we just don't. We set up our house to be fun and very very kid oriented.

4) I am putting this as 4 but it is IMO the most important one. You need an egalitarian marriage and distribution of work in the household. Or we did. My husband does every load of laundry in this house. Even mine. He did 50% of the night wake ups and feedings, he wakes up and does mornings every other day (and sleeps in the other every other days). he does 50% of the bedtimes. He is 110% capable of watching the kids and doing a triple bedtime if I want to go out with friends and I am capable of doing it so he can do his team sports once a week. We carry each other's burdens and we do it consciously, willingly, and with love.

5) We both have careers, but neither of us has a CAREER. No one needs to work until 11pm. Neither of us are ambitious. We have good paying jobs and we are both entirely satisfied with putting any type of career advancement on the back burner for a few years. And that is BOTH of us, neither of us expects the other to carry the bag while we go off otherwise fulfilled. But we are also present in our careers and both of us are well regarded and respected. And, due to number 4, if one of us does need to put more time into work for some reason, the other one is happy to step up for a bit. We're just not out there seeking promotions etc.

5) You gotta be a little go with the flow and you have to be ok with the chaos. My house is messy a lot. I try to keep up but I don't always keep up. Sometimes you have to not do something you want to do because a kid started puking, and not carry around anger about it. I'm ok with mac and cheese dinners once a week and not making my kids organic chickpea salads every night.

All that said, as I kind of alluded to earlier, every day is a little easier. When my youngest was 9-15 months I think that was the hardest time we went through. She was mobile and a loose cannon and the other two still so little. But literally every month is better as she gets more competent, can understand no, etc. We're about to say goodbye to bottles forever (woohoo!) and within a year I think we will be saying goodbye to diapers! Saying goodbye to formula was huge. We are in a position where every few months we get to offload some large 'baby' responsibility. Now they can all walk if we need them to! I think that when the youngest is like 2.5-3 we will be in a MUCH easier place, and every year after that!

I will say the one thing that really rings true is that it is harder to give them all the individual attention they need. My oldest I think in particular doesn't always get everything she needs from us and I've been trying to consciously put more time in with her. But they are also a little pack and love each other so much. We work hard on building a culture of how important family is, being there for each other, sticking up for each other, being a GOOD brother and a GOOD sister etc. And so there are pros and cons.

This is really long. I feel like the TL/DR is, if you can let go a bit and work hard to set up the infrastructure you need to feel supported and happy and healthy then three is doable. But if you can't, then stopping at 2 is fine!

i like you

I also really liked this post. I have two and they are younger than hours but so much of this resonated with our home and lifestyle and goals right now. And we don't even plan to have a third. You seem very nice and grounded, PP!

+1

This was great to read. We have two littles and want a third, and will likely have a similar age spread. So much of your philosophy we agree with (the importance of sleep, egalitarian parenting, both having careers but not CAREERS, routine, all of that). I really wish I knew you in real life or you had a blog or something - I'd love to be able to pick your brain as we move through the same stages you've moved through - You're us, just four years ahead! Or at least, I hope so!

[Anonymous]

It gets less physically demanding once your youngest is fully potty trained and can do at least some stuff at mealtimes by him/herself (like once you cut things up kid can eat without much help).

After that it's more mental challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids (newborn and 2.5). Husband and I both work full-time in demanding-is jobs and we have a nanny, but no family support (everyone lives 5+ hours away and no one is in a position to drop everything and help unless there is a big emergency). We bring our kids on date nights and we don't have time alone together, except for when the kids are sleeping. We are thinking of having a third in a few years (that was always the plan). Just grinding it out right now and wondering when it starts getting easier. I've heard it's when your youngest is more independent, around 7. That makes sense to me, but then people always say "bigger kids bigger problems." I totally understand that having a kid who can't make their own meals and throws tantrums is easier than dealing with a mental health crisis or rehab. But that phrase always makes me feel like it will never get easier. So, when does it start getting easier for most people?

I honestly don’t understand why parents who both work “full time in demanding jobs” bother having kids — or then have kids and complain about how hard it is. You made your bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

You are taking my post way, way too personally. Go back and re-read what you wrote: "the reward comes in 30 years." Your phrasing, not mine. That's a fairly clear statement about how you view things now (hard, also in your words) vs. what you're looking towards. I see the reward as the years I'm living now, not what might happen in the future.

Also, very few parents of 3+ kids prioritize one on one time. Most of us who chose to have that many enjoy at least some aspects of the outnumbered dynamic. If you're always one on one, that's qualitatively different. Not bad, mind you, but different. You might want to think about why you're so defensive on this issue.

This entire thread is about when will it get easier...I'm giving the perspective that a lot of us get through the hard years by looking at the long view. OP is in the thick of it now and wants to know. Glad you think these years are fine, not everyone has that experience. Take your judgement elsewhere if you have nothing constructive to add.

The constructive piece is that living for 30 years in the future doesn’t generally make for sound decision-making, which your disproportionately angry responses demonstrate pretty darn well.

Those of us who are less angry may be so in part because we didn’t deliberately overextend ourselves and were clear about our limits, even if that meant foregoing something we’d long hoped for (e.g., having another child).

DP. You are really ridiculous. Seriously. I mean yes of course no one should have a child that would hurt their marriage or severely overextend their family just to have a 'big' family. But making decisions today that will benefit the you 30 years from now is like...basically how our whole society runs.

Why are you doing algebra at 15? To get into college which will get you a job which will help you be stable etc etc.

Why are you putting money into retirement today? So that old you has some money of course.

Why did you buy a house instead of renting and flitting about the world? So old you has a place to live and stability!

Why don't you eat chocolate cake and french fries all day? So old you will be alive to enjoy all the things you're creating.

Acting like the decisions you make about how to build your family are totally separate from the way you see and desire your future to be is just ignorant of how humans (and like, time) work.

I never said they were totally separate, but when “imagine your life in 30 years” is the driving force behind your decision to *bring another human being into the world* that’s all kinds of effed up. Plenty of people use that line of reasoning. Do you honestly think raising a child is tantamount to putting money in a 401K or deciding what to have for lunch or doing algebra (what?)?

PP said she pitied me because I didn’t imagine a big Thanksgiving dinner decades down the line. First, I certainly hope I have those, but second, and more important, I don’t need pity because I don’t get through the hard days by fantasizing about how this is all going to pay off in 20 years time. That’s just poor coping.

But to get back to the purpose of this thread, if your answer to “when does it start getting easier” is “30 years when we’re all together for the holidays,” you’re probably not someone giving useful advice on the topic.

[Anonymous]

I was really struggling when my kids were the same ages of yours, OP. I was venting to a good friend who had teen/tweens at the time, and she said it was much harder when they were older. I was incredulous: harder than when your kids don't sleep through the night, need you to feed them every meal and change diapers, and you can't leave them alone for 2 minutes? She quickly retracted and said, oh yeah, I forgot about those sleep deprived years. That's my first introduction to the big kids, big problem saying. Some people really do forget how gruelingly hard those first years are. For us, if it weren't for an oops pregnancy, we would not have actively pursued having a second one b/c the temperament of our first can best be described as a honey badger.

As I look around and consider all my peers (friends, neighbors, colleagues all solidly middle class) who have 3 kids, the vast majority struggle with health issues, as in having no time for self care and problems compound. The exception is one couple who is very young, wife stays at home, and all their kids are freaky unicorns who sleep 12 hours straight from 2 months on.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty easy now that youngest child is 9.

[Anonymous]

It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

I disagree. The first couple of years are objectively hard when your children are wholly dependent on you for their survival. OP is still in a sleep deprived fog stage and I remember those days well enough to know there's no physical hell quite like the early days of having an infant and toddler at the same time.

It's disheartening when people try to dismiss that stage as something one should enjoy and cherish b/c omg they grow up so fast or some such bullshit. It's hard to enjoy life when you're bone tired all the time, you know?

And it DOES get easier. When your kids start to sleep consistently through the night, it's huge. When they can play independently for 10 minutes, it's a big deal. When you finally get to a point where you can exercise and take some time for yourself, it's raining confetti.

It will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

+1

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't. It just changes. Buckle up!