When Does It Start Getting Easier

[Anonymous]

It definitely gets easier. I have pretty much ignored my teenagers for the last couple of years, abd tgey appear broadly fine...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the kid of course, but in my experience every year is a little bit easier. Eg. t's easier to have a three-year-old that can at least feed herself than an infant that almost needs a bath after every meal.

Agree that it gets easier with every year.

Disagree with it’s not easier until the youngest is in K. It’s easier once the youngest can go to prek.

Yes. One year from now will be much easier than now and a year after that will be still easier. And so on and so on. For me it has never gotten harder yet. Kids are 9 and 11. I imagine it will get harder again when puberty hits but not there yet with either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

You sound like my mother in law who is FURIOUS for like 6 months out of the year that she can’t get all four of her adult, married children home at the same time for a holiday. I’m an ER doctor so I work a lot of holidays. One sibling lives across the county. One is very close to the spouses family and often spends the holiday there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

NP. You said that you look at the reward as 30 years down the road. YOU said that. PP only pointed that out and said she enjoys the life she has NOW. Clearly she struck a nerve...

NP here, and I totally agree with defending the PP above. I get to some extent the "envision who you want around the table in 20 years" but I'd rather see "life as a journey, not a destination". I want to enjoy those 20 years leading up to the dinner, too. We're stopping at 2 because I'm afraid a third would tip the balance from loving more of my life to enduring more of my life.

Aw, thanks for sticking up for me, PPs. I truly didn’t mean to strike the nerve I did, or any ill-intent, only to point out that looking that far ahead is an awfully long time to endure, as you put it so well, PP, rather than enjoy. I feel exactly as you do about having a fourth, and so we didn’t.

I still don’t know where that PP got the idea that I don’t think my kids will want to see me when they’re adults. DH and I sometimes joke about particularly embarrassing kid photos that they’re already slated for the rehearsal dinner slide show, so it’s not like we never think happily about our long-term future. But this past year has made me even more determined to enjoy the life I have now as much as possible, warts and all.

I am the original PP. I think you and others have vastly misunderstood my point. Of course I enjoy the day to day. I love children, that's why I'm a stay at home mom to three toddlers. But OP asked specifically when it gets better...the thought that gets me through the particularly hard moments is that I will have a large family someday. If you don't need that to get through the day, great! Good for you. But to act like it's "illogical" (your words) to have that thought is kind of ridiculous. Especially since a lot of us have that thought! It really comes across as shaming anyone who tells themselves they're putting in the work in now for a goal down the road. That's how life works. We work towards something, we build something. Each positive interaction I have with my child is building something.

There's a trend I see here that minimizes the importance of family. Lots of posts "well you can't make your kids like each other, or like you". Something tells me you're in that camp. We have VASTLY different parenting philosophies and approaches to family and we're obviously very different types of people. Please keep an open mind that other humans look at parenting and family differently than you.

I’m the PP who first described that reasoning as illogical. Despite what you accused me of, I don’t hold that belief out of malice. I hold it because in my various work environments I’ve come across some very sick kids—kids who don’t make it—and then in other settings, I’ve worked with adults with serious mental illness. So it’s just not within my reality to comfort myself with the thought that I will have a large family someday. I really hope I do, of course, but I have seen way, way too often that it doesn’t always work that way.

Also, please don’t accuse me of not caring about my family, because nothing is further from the truth. In multiple posts, including this one, you have made all kinds of assumptions about who I am and what I believe, solely because I struck a nerve.

Don’t get me started on the idea that simply because a lot of people believe something, it can’t be illogical. Tens of millions of unvaccinated Americans undermine that point.

DP. Both sides of this have made huge insulting assumptions about the other side and peppered their posts with passive aggressive digs. Just from an outsider reading it's perspective.

[Anonymous]

What’s irritating is the smug stay at home mom with a full time nanny implying that somehow she loves her kids a little bit more than everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

You sound like my mother in law who is FURIOUS for like 6 months out of the year that she can’t get all four of her adult, married children home at the same time for a holiday. I’m an ER doctor so I work a lot of holidays. One sibling lives across the county. One is very close to the spouses family and often spends the holiday there.

We must have the same MIL and it’s exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s irritating is the smug stay at home mom with a full time nanny implying that somehow she loves her kids a little bit more than everyone else.

What? I didn't get that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^oh, and how do I get through low moments? I remind myself that bedtime is coming soon. And then, once my kids are asleep, I go and kiss them and tell them I love them, so I can start fresh again the next day.

I work hard to prevent low moments by meditating, exercising daily, and spending time with people I care about, and reminding myself how grateful I am for them. Daily.

You know what? I'm sorry. I was over the line. I'm sure you love your children and family dearly. You struck a nerve and I'm also sure it was unintentional. I'm not the sort of person who tears other mothers down, or but I was in this instance and that is not the person I want to be. We need less of this. I misread what you wrote, or you wrote something you didn't intend to be insulting and I took it that way. The days are long and hard, as I'm sure you know. I hope you have a good weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s irritating is the smug stay at home mom with a full time nanny implying that somehow she loves her kids a little bit more than everyone else.

I'm the PP you are talking about. I'm sorry it came across that was. I have nothing to be smug about, believe me. I'm actually pretty miserable! Which is why OR's post hurt so much. I have a full time nanny because I'm in and out of the loony bin. Tone is hard to convey online and while I love my kids a lot that doesn't really have anything to do with this thread. It bothered me OR was implying I don't really enjoy raising my kids because I am looking forward to the future, rather than enjoying the here and now. I think we all find joy in different things.

[Anonymous]

"Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

You sound like my mother in law who is FURIOUS for like 6 months out of the year that she can’t get all four of her adult, married children home at the same time for a holiday. I’m an ER doctor so I work a lot of holidays. One sibling lives across the county. One is very close to the spouses family and often spends the holiday there.

If you think it is overbearing to hope to you see your kid for one holiday a year, I don't know what to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

You sound like my mother in law who is FURIOUS for like 6 months out of the year that she can’t get all four of her adult, married children home at the same time for a holiday. I’m an ER doctor so I work a lot of holidays. One sibling lives across the county. One is very close to the spouses family and often spends the holiday there.

If you think it is overbearing to hope to you see your kid for one holiday a year, I don't know what to tell you.

+1 all I could think reading this is your offspring better never marry my (3 y/o) son. my MIL is no walk in the park but just going off this, you as a DIL make make me feel better about myself. Though if your MIL can’t get her kids together for one holiday it doesn’t seem like she raised great kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^oh, and how do I get through low moments? I remind myself that bedtime is coming soon. And then, once my kids are asleep, I go and kiss them and tell them I love them, so I can start fresh again the next day.

I work hard to prevent low moments by meditating, exercising daily, and spending time with people I care about, and reminding myself how grateful I am for them. Daily.

You know what? I'm sorry. I was over the line. I'm sure you love your children and family dearly. You struck a nerve and I'm also sure it was unintentional. I'm not the sort of person who tears other mothers down, or but I was in this instance and that is not the person I want to be. We need less of this. I misread what you wrote, or you wrote something you didn't intend to be insulting and I took it that way. The days are long and hard, as I'm sure you know. I hope you have a good weekend.

Oh, PP. Thank you. I’m sorry I hit the nerve that I did—which was unintentional—and I never for a second meant to imply that you don’t love your kids. Tone can be so hard to convey online, and for my contributions to an unfriendly tone, I apologize.

I saw your comment below, too; please be compassionate with yourself. Mental illness is hard enough (I struggled with depression in my 20s/early 30s), harder still when parenting, and maybe hardest of all with the stigma and shame associated with it. Your kids sound younger than mine—the toddler reference you made—and while I broadly agree that it gets differently hard, rather than easy—the physical aspect of it and sheer exhaustion do relent as they get older. You’ll get through it. I hope you have a great weekend, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not trying to say this judgmentally, but why would you consider a third when you don't have balance in your life right now? It's like taking on another pet when your dogs are clawing up the furniture. Never getting a break from your children is not balanced, imo. We're far enough along in the pandemic that if you have the means and if no one's immunocompromised, you should be able to find a sitter for a couple hours a week at least.

If you just miss the cuddly feeling of holding a baby, consider volunteering with babies.

The OP currently has a newborn. Even most of the people who are of the "it doesn't get easier, it's just different, learn to live with it" philosophy are carving out exceptions for the newborn phase.

I posted that it gets easier when you accept that raising kids is going to be a big part of your life, and you need to figure out how to live it.

I’m not making exceptions for the newborn phase. I also have kids on both sides of the divide, and the kids that came later were easier than the older ones were as newborns. Part of it was that I knew more about taking care of babies, but part of it is that I had set up my life in a way that makes taking care of kids (even newborns) easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids (newborn and 2.5). Husband and I both work full-time in demanding-is jobs and we have a nanny, but no family support (everyone lives 5+ hours away and no one is in a position to drop everything and help unless there is a big emergency). We bring our kids on date nights and we don't have time alone together, except for when the kids are sleeping. We are thinking of having a third in a few years (that was always the plan). Just grinding it out right now and wondering when it starts getting easier. I've heard it's when your youngest is more independent, around 7. That makes sense to me, but then people always say "bigger kids bigger problems." I totally understand that having a kid who can't make their own meals and throws tantrums is easier than dealing with a mental health crisis or rehab. But that phrase always makes me feel like it will never get easier. So, when does it start getting easier for most people?

When you stop having kids.

It’s always funny how people cry out “When does it get easier?” and then get pregnant with a third child.

It gets easier when kids get older and you don’t have a new baby.