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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but [b]the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table.[/b] We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now. [/quote]

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical.  First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road.  Second, nothing is given.  You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it.  Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on.  Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street.  That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids.  I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision.  DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.[/quote]

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.  [/quote]

You are taking my post way, way too personally.  Go back and re-read what you wrote: "the reward comes in 30 years."  Your phrasing, not mine.  That's a fairly clear statement about how you view things now (hard, also in your words) vs. what you're looking towards.  I see the reward as the years I'm living now, not what might happen in the future.

Also, very few parents of 3+ kids prioritize one on one time.  Most of us who chose to have that many enjoy at least some aspects of the outnumbered dynamic.  If you're always one on one, that's qualitatively different.  Not bad, mind you, but different.  You might want to think about why you're so defensive on this issue.[/quote] 
This entire thread is about when will it get easier...I'm giving the perspective that a lot of us get through the hard years by looking at the long view. OP is in the thick of it now and wants to know. Glad you think these years are fine, not everyone has that experience. Take your judgement elsewhere if you have nothing constructive to add. [/quote]

The constructive piece is that living for 30 years in the future doesn’t generally make for sound decision-making, which your disproportionately angry responses demonstrate pretty darn well.

Those of us who are less angry may be so in part because we didn’t deliberately overextend ourselves and were clear about our limits, even if that meant foregoing something we’d long hoped for (e.g., having another child).[/quote]

DP. You are really ridiculous. Seriously. I mean yes of course no one should have a child that would hurt their marriage or severely overextend their family just to have a 'big' family. But making decisions today that will benefit the you 30 years from now is like...basically how our whole society runs.

Why are you doing algebra at 15? To get into college which will get you a job which will help you be stable etc etc.

Why are you putting money into retirement today? So that old you has some money of course.

Why did you buy a house instead of renting and flitting about the world? So old you has a place to live and stability!

Why don't you eat chocolate cake and french fries all day? So old you will be alive to enjoy all the things you're creating.

Acting like the decisions you make about how to build your family are totally separate from the way you see and desire your future to be is just ignorant of how humans (and like, time) work. [/quote]

I never said they were totally separate, but when “imagine your life in 30 years” is the driving force behind your decision to *bring another human being into the world* that’s all kinds of effed up.  Plenty of people use that line of reasoning.  Do you honestly think raising a child is tantamount to putting money in a 401K or deciding what to have for lunch or doing algebra (what?)?

PP said she pitied me because I didn’t imagine a big Thanksgiving dinner decades down the line.  First, I certainly hope I have those, but second, and more important, I don’t need pity because I don’t get through the hard days by fantasizing about how this is all going to pay off in 20 years time.  That’s just poor coping.

But to get back to the purpose of this thread, if your answer to “when does it start getting easier” is “30 years when we’re all together for the holidays,” you’re probably not someone giving useful advice on the topic.[/quote]

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