When Does It Start Getting Easier

[Anonymous]

I have two kids (newborn and 2.5). Husband and I both work full-time in demanding-is jobs and we have a nanny, but no family support (everyone lives 5+ hours away and no one is in a position to drop everything and help unless there is a big emergency). We bring our kids on date nights and we don't have time alone together, except for when the kids are sleeping. We are thinking of having a third in a few years (that was always the plan). Just grinding it out right now and wondering when it starts getting easier. I've heard it's when your youngest is more independent, around 7. That makes sense to me, but then people always say "bigger kids bigger problems." I totally understand that having a kid who can't make their own meals and throws tantrums is easier than dealing with a mental health crisis or rehab. But that phrase always makes me feel like it will never get easier. So, when does it start getting easier for most people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids (newborn and 2.5). Husband and I both work full-time in demanding-is jobs and we have a nanny, but no family support (everyone lives 5+ hours away and no one is in a position to drop everything and help unless there is a big emergency). We bring our kids on date nights and we don't have time alone together, except for when the kids are sleeping. We are thinking of having a third in a few years (that was always the plan). Just grinding it out right now and wondering when it starts getting easier. I've heard it's when your youngest is more independent, around 7. That makes sense to me, but then people always say "bigger kids bigger problems." I totally understand that having a kid who can't make their own meals and throws tantrums is easier than dealing with a mental health crisis or rehab. But that phrase always makes me feel like it will never get easier. So, when does it start getting easier for most people?

Once the youngest child starts K. Some families do end up having bigger problems as the kids grow--some of my friends have really heartbreaking problems with their kids--but that has not been our experience at all.

[Anonymous]

I have an 11 and 13 year old. It is easier in some ways than when they were young, and harder in others. I have more free time and more sleep, but the issues we are dealing with seem much more scary than when will they potty train or when should we drop the pacifier. I look back sometimes and wish I did appreciate the little years more, but it’s hard when they’re so dependent on you.

Just because you had a plan to have 3, doesn’t mean you have to do it. Why don’t you wait a few years before making that decision?

[Anonymous]

Depends on the kid of course, but in my experience every year is a little bit easier. Eg. t's easier to have a three-year-old that can at least feed herself than an infant that almost needs a bath after every meal.

[Anonymous]

It gets easier the more children over the age of 4 you have. 5 is even better.

Mine are 4.5 and 7 right now. It's awesome! Of course there are still challenges and the whole "parenting" part doesn't go away. But I can leave them with a neighborhood teen for a few hours in a pinch and they don't freak out. That was not possible with a 2 year old who would flip about a "new" person. It opens up your ability to get a sitter.

They can also get in and out of the car on their own. This one simple thing improved my life immeasurably.

However I didn't have a 3rd for this reason. I couldn't fathom starting all the infant and toddler stuff over again. I didn't have the bandwidth for another 3 year old (cute but OHMYLORD stubborn).

[Anonymous]

When newborn sleeps thru night. it actually gets harder when kids go to school. so, so much harder.

Lack of family support is the issue. You need a sitter to come on weekends to take load off you. Maybe every Saturday or something. So you can decompress, come and go, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the kid of course, but in my experience every year is a little bit easier. Eg. t's easier to have a three-year-old that can at least feed herself than an infant that almost needs a bath after every meal.

Agree that it gets easier with every year.

Disagree with it’s not easier until the youngest is in K. It’s easier once the youngest can go to prek.

[Anonymous]

I just remember being so tired when my kids were at that age. It was a nightmare.

I can honestly say that every day has gotten easier since then. My kids are now teenagers and getting through the pandemic has not been bad, in that they are super independent and don't need monitoring. Yes, there are new and difficult struggles, mental health, grades etc. But they are genuinely great kids and I love spending time with them.

I would caution against having a third. If you don't, you will be over the worst in three years or so. If you do have a third, you are looking at 5 or 6 years of hell. It puts tremendous strain on a family and I know couples that have broken up over it.

I will also say - teamwork and good consistent parenting is essential if you want things to get easier. Taking the easy way out in the short term - e.g. giving in to tantrums, picky eating etc - will always bite you in the long term. Stay strong!

[Anonymous]

It does get easier all the time as your kids get older, but every time you have another kid it just resets the clock and everything gets even harder. If you think things are hard with a newborn and a 2.5 year old, think of how hard they will be with a newborn, a 2.5 year old, and a 5 year old as well. I only have two kids and they are both in elementary school, but I spent the last week watching my 2 year old nephew and wow did it bring back memories of when my kids were little. I just can't imagine going back to that world full time right now.

That said, I think people with large families really enjoy it when all of the kids are older and especially when they are grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the kid of course, but in my experience every year is a little bit easier. Eg. t's easier to have a three-year-old that can at least feed herself than an infant that almost needs a bath after every meal.

Agree that it gets easier with every year.

Disagree with it’s not easier until the youngest is in K. It’s easier once the youngest can go to prek.

+1

[Anonymous]

Bigger kids, bigger problems. But it is less physically taxing.

[Anonymous]

Every age comes with its challenges. But that constant stress and exhaustion starts to dissipate as others have said when the youngest starts kindergarten. I refer to the time when my kids were 7yo and 10yo as the "golden era." They were old enough to not need constant attention, but young enough to not resent me yet or be capable of getting into "real" trouble...

[Anonymous]

Hmmmmmm. My oldest is 31. Youngest is 19. I'm not sure it ever got easier. It just changes. At some point, especially with five kids, I just learned to accept that there will always be someone in crisis, either big ones or little ones. I learned to let go and trust that they were all on their own unique paths. And I embraced the controlled chaos. But, I was a SAHM when my kids were little. I think that made the earlier years much more manageable.

Sleep helps a ton. Once everyone consistently sleeps though the night, you feel more able to get through the long days.

[Anonymous]

I mean this with kindness. Do not have a third. Don’t. Trust me. It’s really really hard with two parents who work. Your health and your marriage especially will take a major hit. You won’t listen but at least I told you so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmmmm. My oldest is 31. Youngest is 19. I'm not sure it ever got easier. It just changes. At some point, especially with five kids, I just learned to accept that there will always be someone in crisis, either big ones or little ones. I learned to let go and trust that they were all on their own unique paths. And I embraced the controlled chaos. But, I was a SAHM when my kids were little. I think that made the earlier years much more manageable.

Sleep helps a ton. Once everyone consistently sleeps though the night, you feel more able to get through the long days.

This was not my experience. Once I got sleep it was exponentially easier and then once the kids were in school full time it again got exponentially easier.

I did read that once you have four kids it gets easier because you just learn to not worry so much, but with two, things are now really easy with the kids ages 9 and 12 and have been decently easy since they were 4 and 7 (the oldest used to be very taxing emotionally and that got better around 10 but I think that’s unusual).