When Does It Start Getting Easier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 3.5 year old and I’m pregnant with my second (we both work) and it’s not easier lol I’m reading these and I’m just going to say it…it never gets easier. I think you have it easy that you successfully finished giving birth and pregnancy ha.

It'll be different or maybe easier for you than OP. Your first will be older, potty trained etc when the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

I just had my third and agree with a lot of what was said here’s. Mostly, if two overwhelms you three is not a good idea. Kids are hard, and for me the sleep deprivation has always been the biggest challenge, but I never felt overwhelmed with kids or life. Granted, we also have big age gaps between our kids. Almost 4 years between the first two, and my oldest are now 10 and 6 with a newborn. So they’re completely self sufficient, they’ll be in school full time in the fall (God willing) and can be incredibly helpful with the baby. That said, the biggest logistics for us is scheduling. They have a lot of play dates and activities and fall sports aren’t even in the mix. Luckily a baby is easy to transport but when that baby is 12/15/18 months and can’t nap on the go as easily I’m sure it’ll be a big challenge.

I also agree that how involved your spouse is makes a world of difference. I SAH because my husband is a big law partner and it just wouldn’t be feasible without a full time nanny. So I do 99% of the “household jobs”. I do all the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, managing all the kids schedules, etc. But my husband is an incredibly involved dad as much as he’s able with his schedule. Covid has actually been a blessing in that sense because he’s still working from home so he’s around right now for bedtime and can take my older kids to some activities if he’s not on calls. When he goes back to the office this fall that will definitely make things more challenging but such is the nature of life.

All that said, three has been a joy so far and watching my older two with the baby brings me more joy than I ever thought possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

+1

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on.

+2

I do think the newborn months have their unique challenges, but they’re also such a period of adjustment, at least for your first child, since you’ve never been a parent before. Much of that for me was doing what this poster says about creating and embracing your new reality - which is *not* the same as sanctimoniously cherishing the sleep-deprived days. But her point about not wishing this time away is so key.

When I was slogging through grad school, a good friend a few years ahead of me in the program advised me to keep my eyes on the prize, i.e., finishing my Ph.D., and she was right. But similarly, PP is right that parenting *is* the prize. This is it. I have my hard days and times like anyone (hello, pandemic parenting) but I work very hard to be present and enjoy these days for what they are. Some of that has meant building the infrastructure that another PP outlined (around sleep, an equal partner, etc.), but some of it really is a paradigm shift about what life looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

+1

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on.

+2

I do think the newborn months have their unique challenges, but they’re also such a period of adjustment, at least for your first child, since you’ve never been a parent before. Much of that for me was doing what this poster says about creating and embracing your new reality - which is *not* the same as sanctimoniously cherishing the sleep-deprived days. But her point about not wishing this time away is so key.

When I was slogging through grad school, a good friend a few years ahead of me in the program advised me to keep my eyes on the prize, i.e., finishing my Ph.D., and she was right. But similarly, PP is right that parenting *is* the prize. This is it. I have my hard days and times like anyone (hello, pandemic parenting) but I work very hard to be present and enjoy these days for what they are. Some of that has meant building the infrastructure that another PP outlined (around sleep, an equal partner, etc.), but some of it really is a paradigm shift about what life looks like.

I feel like the bolded is true but a lot of what all of you guys are saying is also BS. Getting your kids to 4 is getting through a LOT of physical labor. It is sleep deprivation, being pooped on, someone randomly walking up to you and hitting you, getting 17 colds in a year when your kid goes to daycare, dealing with postpartum issues (mental and physical). Acting like this is just a tough spot when your baby is 3-6 months old? You are gaslighting people.

Young kids are wonderful hilarious loving special little people, there is nothing in the world quite like being the caretaker of one and knowing its up to you to keep this precious little chubby being alive. But it is also a LOT of work, and there is a significant ease in the physicality of parenting when you have children that sleep at night, are up during the day, can walk distances on their own, who don't poop themselves or have pee accidents on the regular and who can be handed a juicebox without constant supervision. This is just true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

+1

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on.

+2

I do think the newborn months have their unique challenges, but they’re also such a period of adjustment, at least for your first child, since you’ve never been a parent before. Much of that for me was doing what this poster says about creating and embracing your new reality - which is *not* the same as sanctimoniously cherishing the sleep-deprived days. But her point about not wishing this time away is so key.

When I was slogging through grad school, a good friend a few years ahead of me in the program advised me to keep my eyes on the prize, i.e., finishing my Ph.D., and she was right. But similarly, PP is right that parenting *is* the prize. This is it. I have my hard days and times like anyone (hello, pandemic parenting) but I work very hard to be present and enjoy these days for what they are. Some of that has meant building the infrastructure that another PP outlined (around sleep, an equal partner, etc.), but some of it really is a paradigm shift about what life looks like.

I feel like the bolded is true but a lot of what all of you guys are saying is also BS. Getting your kids to 4 is getting through a LOT of physical labor. It is sleep deprivation, being pooped on, someone randomly walking up to you and hitting you, getting 17 colds in a year when your kid goes to daycare, dealing with postpartum issues (mental and physical). Acting like this is just a tough spot when your baby is 3-6 months old? You are gaslighting people.

Young kids are wonderful hilarious loving special little people, there is nothing in the world quite like being the caretaker of one and knowing its up to you to keep this precious little chubby being alive. But it is also a LOT of work, and there is a significant ease in the physicality of parenting when you have children that sleep at night, are up during the day, can walk distances on their own, who don't poop themselves or have pee accidents on the regular and who can be handed a juicebox without constant supervision. This is just true.

We're not saying it's not hard, we're saying (1) life is harder with kids so (2) you need to find ways to cope that make the load sustainable and (3) it's still hard with older kids, but hard differently. I mean, do you think it's easy talking about things like mental illness with kids? Dealing with mental illness in your own child? Navigating your child being bullied in school? Helping your kid when they have a really lousy teacher for an entire freaking school year?

Of COURSE it's easier physically when your children get older; no one is saying otherwise. But emotionally, it's a whole other ball of wax. Again, I'm not at all diminishing how grueling the early years are with really little ones and I'm not telling you or anyone to "cherish these days" or whatever nonsense. I'm just pointing out that you can't endlessly hold out for "when it gets easier."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

+1

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on.

+2

I do think the newborn months have their unique challenges, but they’re also such a period of adjustment, at least for your first child, since you’ve never been a parent before. Much of that for me was doing what this poster says about creating and embracing your new reality - which is *not* the same as sanctimoniously cherishing the sleep-deprived days. But her point about not wishing this time away is so key.

When I was slogging through grad school, a good friend a few years ahead of me in the program advised me to keep my eyes on the prize, i.e., finishing my Ph.D., and she was right. But similarly, PP is right that parenting *is* the prize. This is it. I have my hard days and times like anyone (hello, pandemic parenting) but I work very hard to be present and enjoy these days for what they are. Some of that has meant building the infrastructure that another PP outlined (around sleep, an equal partner, etc.), but some of it really is a paradigm shift about what life looks like.

I feel like the bolded is true but a lot of what all of you guys are saying is also BS. Getting your kids to 4 is getting through a LOT of physical labor. It is sleep deprivation, being pooped on, someone randomly walking up to you and hitting you, getting 17 colds in a year when your kid goes to daycare, dealing with postpartum issues (mental and physical). Acting like this is just a tough spot when your baby is 3-6 months old? You are gaslighting people.

Young kids are wonderful hilarious loving special little people, there is nothing in the world quite like being the caretaker of one and knowing its up to you to keep this precious little chubby being alive. But it is also a LOT of work, and there is a significant ease in the physicality of parenting when you have children that sleep at night, are up during the day, can walk distances on their own, who don't poop themselves or have pee accidents on the regular and who can be handed a juicebox without constant supervision. This is just true.

I really mean the opposite of what you think I do. I am not saying that parenting a child up to 4 years old isn't a lot of work. It IS. But...it doesn't really stop then. It's not like after that, you go back to life pre-kids. And maybe it's a little easier, but it's not a LOT easier. If you feel like you need other support (more equal partner, less intense work outside the home, moving closer to family, etc) when your child is 2, you will probably also need it when your child is 6. And you might need that or something else when your child is 9. Don't just tell yourself that you are going to deal because everything will be better or easier in 2 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

+1

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on.

+2

I do think the newborn months have their unique challenges, but they’re also such a period of adjustment, at least for your first child, since you’ve never been a parent before. Much of that for me was doing what this poster says about creating and embracing your new reality - which is *not* the same as sanctimoniously cherishing the sleep-deprived days. But her point about not wishing this time away is so key.

When I was slogging through grad school, a good friend a few years ahead of me in the program advised me to keep my eyes on the prize, i.e., finishing my Ph.D., and she was right. But similarly, PP is right that parenting *is* the prize. This is it. I have my hard days and times like anyone (hello, pandemic parenting) but I work very hard to be present and enjoy these days for what they are. Some of that has meant building the infrastructure that another PP outlined (around sleep, an equal partner, etc.), but some of it really is a paradigm shift about what life looks like.

I feel like the bolded is true but a lot of what all of you guys are saying is also BS. Getting your kids to 4 is getting through a LOT of physical labor. It is sleep deprivation, being pooped on, someone randomly walking up to you and hitting you, getting 17 colds in a year when your kid goes to daycare, dealing with postpartum issues (mental and physical). Acting like this is just a tough spot when your baby is 3-6 months old? You are gaslighting people.

Young kids are wonderful hilarious loving special little people, there is nothing in the world quite like being the caretaker of one and knowing its up to you to keep this precious little chubby being alive. But it is also a LOT of work, and there is a significant ease in the physicality of parenting when you have children that sleep at night, are up during the day, can walk distances on their own, who don't poop themselves or have pee accidents on the regular and who can be handed a juicebox without constant supervision. This is just true.

We're not saying it's not hard, we're saying (1) life is harder with kids so (2) you need to find ways to cope that make the load sustainable and (3) it's still hard with older kids, but hard differently. I mean, do you think it's easy talking about things like mental illness with kids? Dealing with mental illness in your own child? Navigating your child being bullied in school? Helping your kid when they have a really lousy teacher for an entire freaking school year?

Of COURSE it's easier physically when your children get older; no one is saying otherwise. But emotionally, it's a whole other ball of wax. Again, I'm not at all diminishing how grueling the early years are with really little ones and I'm not telling you or anyone to "cherish these days" or whatever nonsense. I'm just pointing out that you can't endlessly hold out for "when it gets easier."

+1. Exactly.
Figure out what you need to make your life work, and make it happen now, OP. The parenting part really isn't going to get a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Little kids take it out of you physically; older kids grind you down emotionally. Trying to be the parent each kid needs is hard as hell, even when you have great kids and everything going for you. When we had three kids we didn’t expect bipolar disorder, one with a learning disability and our precious child getting raped while on a study abroad. I believe we have come through ok, but never ever would have imagined how difficult it would be to shepherd those darling babies through dark, awful times when they still need us but can’t even stand to be in the same room as their parents. So yeah, in some ways it won’t ever be “easy.” I lost just as much sleep to worry and grief sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Little kids take it out of you physically; older kids grind you down emotionally. Trying to be the parent each kid needs is hard as hell, even when you have great kids and everything going for you. When we had three kids we didn’t expect bipolar disorder, one with a learning disability and our precious child getting raped while on a study abroad. I believe we have come through ok, but never ever would have imagined how difficult it would be to shepherd those darling babies through dark, awful times when they still need us but can’t even stand to be in the same room as their parents. So yeah, in some ways it won’t ever be “easy.” I lost just as much sleep to worry and grief sometimes.

I’m so so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

+1

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on.

+2

I do think the newborn months have their unique challenges, but they’re also such a period of adjustment, at least for your first child, since you’ve never been a parent before. Much of that for me was doing what this poster says about creating and embracing your new reality - which is *not* the same as sanctimoniously cherishing the sleep-deprived days. But her point about not wishing this time away is so key.

When I was slogging through grad school, a good friend a few years ahead of me in the program advised me to keep my eyes on the prize, i.e., finishing my Ph.D., and she was right. But similarly, PP is right that parenting *is* the prize. This is it. I have my hard days and times like anyone (hello, pandemic parenting) but I work very hard to be present and enjoy these days for what they are. Some of that has meant building the infrastructure that another PP outlined (around sleep, an equal partner, etc.), but some of it really is a paradigm shift about what life looks like.

I feel like the bolded is true but a lot of what all of you guys are saying is also BS. Getting your kids to 4 is getting through a LOT of physical labor. It is sleep deprivation, being pooped on, someone randomly walking up to you and hitting you, getting 17 colds in a year when your kid goes to daycare, dealing with postpartum issues (mental and physical). Acting like this is just a tough spot when your baby is 3-6 months old? You are gaslighting people.

Young kids are wonderful hilarious loving special little people, there is nothing in the world quite like being the caretaker of one and knowing its up to you to keep this precious little chubby being alive. But it is also a LOT of work, and there is a significant ease in the physicality of parenting when you have children that sleep at night, are up during the day, can walk distances on their own, who don't poop themselves or have pee accidents on the regular and who can be handed a juicebox without constant supervision. This is just true.

We're not saying it's not hard, we're saying (1) life is harder with kids so (2) you need to find ways to cope that make the load sustainable and (3) it's still hard with older kids, but hard differently. I mean, do you think it's easy talking about things like mental illness with kids? Dealing with mental illness in your own child? Navigating your child being bullied in school? Helping your kid when they have a really lousy teacher for an entire freaking school year?

Of COURSE it's easier physically when your children get older; no one is saying otherwise. But emotionally, it's a whole other ball of wax. Again, I'm not at all diminishing how grueling the early years are with really little ones and I'm not telling you or anyone to "cherish these days" or whatever nonsense. I'm just pointing out that you can't endlessly hold out for "when it gets easier."

I just disagree with you. The average 7 year old is easier than the average 2 y ear old. And op is in the thick of those grueling early years. I love my kids. And I agree overall that you shouldn’t wait around for your kids to get easier or to change your life to suit the lifestyle of a parent versus thinking you will return to pre kid life. I also think those first three years are hard in a unique way that is very difficult and you guys are really diminishing that. And yes, big kid big problems I get that but at least you aren’t sleep deprived and dealing with post partum hormones

[Anonymous]

Mine are 8 and 6 and for a few years I was wistful about a third but we both work and honestly my marriage isn't strong enough for another baby. It gets easier. For several years now I can go to bed and be confident that I can sleep on until morning. We can go to a playground now and I don't worry about anyone running into traffic. In the morning my kids can even make themselves breakfast and turn on the tv. But they are challenging in ways babies could never have been. Even when I'm not with them I worry am I doing enough? Are they in the right camp/school/friend situation etc? Parenting is hard but mostly because WE make it hard. Be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

+1

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on.

+2

I do think the newborn months have their unique challenges, but they’re also such a period of adjustment, at least for your first child, since you’ve never been a parent before. Much of that for me was doing what this poster says about creating and embracing your new reality - which is *not* the same as sanctimoniously cherishing the sleep-deprived days. But her point about not wishing this time away is so key.

When I was slogging through grad school, a good friend a few years ahead of me in the program advised me to keep my eyes on the prize, i.e., finishing my Ph.D., and she was right. But similarly, PP is right that parenting *is* the prize. This is it. I have my hard days and times like anyone (hello, pandemic parenting) but I work very hard to be present and enjoy these days for what they are. Some of that has meant building the infrastructure that another PP outlined (around sleep, an equal partner, etc.), but some of it really is a paradigm shift about what life looks like.

I feel like the bolded is true but a lot of what all of you guys are saying is also BS. Getting your kids to 4 is getting through a LOT of physical labor. It is sleep deprivation, being pooped on, someone randomly walking up to you and hitting you, getting 17 colds in a year when your kid goes to daycare, dealing with postpartum issues (mental and physical). Acting like this is just a tough spot when your baby is 3-6 months old? You are gaslighting people.

Young kids are wonderful hilarious loving special little people, there is nothing in the world quite like being the caretaker of one and knowing its up to you to keep this precious little chubby being alive. But it is also a LOT of work, and there is a significant ease in the physicality of parenting when you have children that sleep at night, are up during the day, can walk distances on their own, who don't poop themselves or have pee accidents on the regular and who can be handed a juicebox without constant supervision. This is just true.

We're not saying it's not hard, we're saying (1) life is harder with kids so (2) you need to find ways to cope that make the load sustainable and (3) it's still hard with older kids, but hard differently. I mean, do you think it's easy talking about things like mental illness with kids? Dealing with mental illness in your own child? Navigating your child being bullied in school? Helping your kid when they have a really lousy teacher for an entire freaking school year?

Of COURSE it's easier physically when your children get older; no one is saying otherwise. But emotionally, it's a whole other ball of wax. Again, I'm not at all diminishing how grueling the early years are with really little ones and I'm not telling you or anyone to "cherish these days" or whatever nonsense. I'm just pointing out that you can't endlessly hold out for "when it gets easier."

I just disagree with you. The average 7 year old is easier than the average 2 y ear old. And op is in the thick of those grueling early years. I love my kids. And I agree overall that you shouldn’t wait around for your kids to get easier or to change your life to suit the lifestyle of a parent versus thinking you will return to pre kid life. I also think those first three years are hard in a unique way that is very difficult and you guys are really diminishing that. And yes, big kid big problems I get that but at least you aren’t sleep deprived and dealing with post partum hormones

Yeah, it's really hard when you're so mired in how difficult your life is that you can't fathom anything else and won't (can't?) comprehend what other people are telling you. I don't know what else to say, other than I'm sorry you're struggling. You might want to consider a depression screening, though. That level of self-absorption in the context of exhaustion can be a hallmark of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

+1

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on.

+2

I do think the newborn months have their unique challenges, but they’re also such a period of adjustment, at least for your first child, since you’ve never been a parent before. Much of that for me was doing what this poster says about creating and embracing your new reality - which is *not* the same as sanctimoniously cherishing the sleep-deprived days. But her point about not wishing this time away is so key.

When I was slogging through grad school, a good friend a few years ahead of me in the program advised me to keep my eyes on the prize, i.e., finishing my Ph.D., and she was right. But similarly, PP is right that parenting *is* the prize. This is it. I have my hard days and times like anyone (hello, pandemic parenting) but I work very hard to be present and enjoy these days for what they are. Some of that has meant building the infrastructure that another PP outlined (around sleep, an equal partner, etc.), but some of it really is a paradigm shift about what life looks like.

I feel like the bolded is true but a lot of what all of you guys are saying is also BS. Getting your kids to 4 is getting through a LOT of physical labor. It is sleep deprivation, being pooped on, someone randomly walking up to you and hitting you, getting 17 colds in a year when your kid goes to daycare, dealing with postpartum issues (mental and physical). Acting like this is just a tough spot when your baby is 3-6 months old? You are gaslighting people.

Young kids are wonderful hilarious loving special little people, there is nothing in the world quite like being the caretaker of one and knowing its up to you to keep this precious little chubby being alive. But it is also a LOT of work, and there is a significant ease in the physicality of parenting when you have children that sleep at night, are up during the day, can walk distances on their own, who don't poop themselves or have pee accidents on the regular and who can be handed a juicebox without constant supervision. This is just true.

We're not saying it's not hard, we're saying (1) life is harder with kids so (2) you need to find ways to cope that make the load sustainable and (3) it's still hard with older kids, but hard differently. I mean, do you think it's easy talking about things like mental illness with kids? Dealing with mental illness in your own child? Navigating your child being bullied in school? Helping your kid when they have a really lousy teacher for an entire freaking school year?

Of COURSE it's easier physically when your children get older; no one is saying otherwise. But emotionally, it's a whole other ball of wax. Again, I'm not at all diminishing how grueling the early years are with really little ones and I'm not telling you or anyone to "cherish these days" or whatever nonsense. I'm just pointing out that you can't endlessly hold out for "when it gets easier."

I just disagree with you. The average 7 year old is easier than the average 2 y ear old. And op is in the thick of those grueling early years. I love my kids. And I agree overall that you shouldn’t wait around for your kids to get easier or to change your life to suit the lifestyle of a parent versus thinking you will return to pre kid life. I also think those first three years are hard in a unique way that is very difficult and you guys are really diminishing that. And yes, big kid big problems I get that but at least you aren’t sleep deprived and dealing with post partum hormones

Yeah, it's really hard when you're so mired in how difficult your life is that you can't fathom anything else and won't (can't?) comprehend what other people are telling you. I don't know what else to say, other than I'm sorry you're struggling. You might want to consider a depression screening, though. That level of self-absorption in the context of exhaustion can be a hallmark of it.

What? Lol. I am not depressed or struggling. I'm not OP. I do have kids on both sides of the divide right now though and feel like you guys are being very dismissive.

I think there are two like, swimlanes (apologies for the corporate speak) of parenting here and people are confusing them. One is the worry you feel about parenting your children and your investment in their emotional health. The emotional and mental side of parenting. This is actually I think easier in the early years because yes, little kids little problems. I don't worry about whether my 1 year old is happy or feeling loved, but I can already see that with my 6 year old that my fears and worries for them have become 'bigger'. I know that this mental load so to speak will only grow and get more complex and difficult.

The other swimlane is the physical parenting. Having to constantly be paying attention so no one dies. Listening for every rogue bump, waking up for every nightmare and accident and feeding. This is mentally and physically taxing in an entirely different way and defines for many people the early years. The not being able to have a moment to myself to think. The having only an hour at the end of the day to decompress after all the chores and cleaning and kid stuff is done. The being constantly tired and dragging yourself up to do it again. And I think this is the stuff you DO grit your teeth to get through. You grit your teeth to survive until they sleep through the night. You grit your teeth cleaning up bodily fluids until they can manage that. You grit your teeth and pay attention until you think you can't pay attention for another second to make sure they don't fall down the stairs or under the water in the tub. You grit your teeth through not having enough time. This is the part that literally wears on you as a person and makes it more difficult to cope with the problems going on around you.

Acknowledging that that part is hard and does require some pushing through doesn't take away from the complexities and toughness of that mental load in the first swimlane. They are different, one is lifelong and one is temporary. And I think for the first it is important to just accept that this is your life now and you did make it and that is amazing and awesome and I have actually thought to myself almost exactly what PP said above before. I made it, I got a job and a good husband and got babies out into this world alive and healthy and I made it and I am mostly extremely grateful for that. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard to sit down and immediately have some kid yell for me to come wipe their butt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It starts getting easier when you recognize that the amount of responsibility you have at home isn’t going to change much, and you take steps to figure out how to live this way long term and enjoy your life instead of powering through it.
This isn’t medical school or law school. It isn’t something that you just set your jaw and grit it out for a few years until you get to the finish line. It isn’t just a few years, and there is no finish line. It’s just life.
Being a mother is like being a daughter or a sister or a wife. Yes. You can be better or worse at it, but no one is perfect, and there are times that it’s easy and times that it’s hard. Ironically, the hard times aren’t necessarily the times of illness and stress like you thought they would be. But, like any relationship, if you find yourself wishing it away, then you are missing the point.

I said earlier that there is no finish line, but I’m going to take that back. There is. And you have crossed it. You finished school, got the job, found the husband, had the kids. You did all of the things to get your life set up. If this isn’t the finish line, then what is? When kids start elementary school? When they move out? Retirement? You can wish your whole life away like this.

You are here. You have all of the things. It isn’t going to “get better.”

Woah. Sometimes DCUM delivers on the real deal.

+1

This is very insightful.

My one quibble would be the newborn stage. The first 3-6 months for each kid (depending on the kid and when you sleep train), IMHO, are for setting your jaw and gritting it out. But beyond that, I think this poster is SPOT on.

+2

I do think the newborn months have their unique challenges, but they’re also such a period of adjustment, at least for your first child, since you’ve never been a parent before. Much of that for me was doing what this poster says about creating and embracing your new reality - which is *not* the same as sanctimoniously cherishing the sleep-deprived days. But her point about not wishing this time away is so key.

When I was slogging through grad school, a good friend a few years ahead of me in the program advised me to keep my eyes on the prize, i.e., finishing my Ph.D., and she was right. But similarly, PP is right that parenting *is* the prize. This is it. I have my hard days and times like anyone (hello, pandemic parenting) but I work very hard to be present and enjoy these days for what they are. Some of that has meant building the infrastructure that another PP outlined (around sleep, an equal partner, etc.), but some of it really is a paradigm shift about what life looks like.

I feel like the bolded is true but a lot of what all of you guys are saying is also BS. Getting your kids to 4 is getting through a LOT of physical labor. It is sleep deprivation, being pooped on, someone randomly walking up to you and hitting you, getting 17 colds in a year when your kid goes to daycare, dealing with postpartum issues (mental and physical). Acting like this is just a tough spot when your baby is 3-6 months old? You are gaslighting people.

Young kids are wonderful hilarious loving special little people, there is nothing in the world quite like being the caretaker of one and knowing its up to you to keep this precious little chubby being alive. But it is also a LOT of work, and there is a significant ease in the physicality of parenting when you have children that sleep at night, are up during the day, can walk distances on their own, who don't poop themselves or have pee accidents on the regular and who can be handed a juicebox without constant supervision. This is just true.

We're not saying it's not hard, we're saying (1) life is harder with kids so (2) you need to find ways to cope that make the load sustainable and (3) it's still hard with older kids, but hard differently. I mean, do you think it's easy talking about things like mental illness with kids? Dealing with mental illness in your own child? Navigating your child being bullied in school? Helping your kid when they have a really lousy teacher for an entire freaking school year?

Of COURSE it's easier physically when your children get older; no one is saying otherwise. But emotionally, it's a whole other ball of wax. Again, I'm not at all diminishing how grueling the early years are with really little ones and I'm not telling you or anyone to "cherish these days" or whatever nonsense. I'm just pointing out that you can't endlessly hold out for "when it gets easier."

I just disagree with you. The average 7 year old is easier than the average 2 y ear old. And op is in the thick of those grueling early years. I love my kids. And I agree overall that you shouldn’t wait around for your kids to get easier or to change your life to suit the lifestyle of a parent versus thinking you will return to pre kid life. I also think those first three years are hard in a unique way that is very difficult and you guys are really diminishing that. And yes, big kid big problems I get that but at least you aren’t sleep deprived and dealing with post partum hormones

Yeah, it's really hard when you're so mired in how difficult your life is that you can't fathom anything else and won't (can't?) comprehend what other people are telling you. I don't know what else to say, other than I'm sorry you're struggling. You might want to consider a depression screening, though. That level of self-absorption in the context of exhaustion can be a hallmark of it.

What? Lol. I am not depressed or struggling. I'm not OP. I do have kids on both sides of the divide right now though and feel like you guys are being very dismissive.

I think there are two like, swimlanes (apologies for the corporate speak) of parenting here and people are confusing them. One is the worry you feel about parenting your children and your investment in their emotional health. The emotional and mental side of parenting. This is actually I think easier in the early years because yes, little kids little problems. I don't worry about whether my 1 year old is happy or feeling loved, but I can already see that with my 6 year old that my fears and worries for them have become 'bigger'. I know that this mental load so to speak will only grow and get more complex and difficult.

The other swimlane is the physical parenting. Having to constantly be paying attention so no one dies. Listening for every rogue bump, waking up for every nightmare and accident and feeding. This is mentally and physically taxing in an entirely different way and defines for many people the early years. The not being able to have a moment to myself to think. The having only an hour at the end of the day to decompress after all the chores and cleaning and kid stuff is done. The being constantly tired and dragging yourself up to do it again. And I think this is the stuff you DO grit your teeth to get through. You grit your teeth to survive until they sleep through the night. You grit your teeth cleaning up bodily fluids until they can manage that. You grit your teeth and pay attention until you think you can't pay attention for another second to make sure they don't fall down the stairs or under the water in the tub. You grit your teeth through not having enough time. This is the part that literally wears on you as a person and makes it more difficult to cope with the problems going on around you.

Acknowledging that that part is hard and does require some pushing through doesn't take away from the complexities and toughness of that mental load in the first swimlane. They are different, one is lifelong and one is temporary. And I think for the first it is important to just accept that this is your life now and you did make it and that is amazing and awesome and I have actually thought to myself almost exactly what PP said above before. I made it, I got a job and a good husband and got babies out into this world alive and healthy and I made it and I am mostly extremely grateful for that. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard to sit down and immediately have some kid yell for me to come wipe their butt.

I think you're mischaracterizing and, thus, minimizing, the first swimlane you describe. It's not solely worrying about your children, it's *managing* the big problems that arise with older kids: mental illness, substance use, safety around things like cars and letting them go off on their own, managing relationships with peers, at school, etc. It's not about you getting spun up in your head, it's about *actually dealing* with the emotional and relational and safety problems that arise, which many parents really, really struggle with. It's IEP meetings, bullies, fights with friends, setting and maintaining limits around access to cell phones and cars, preventing substance use, suicidal ideation, your daughter's early puberty, etc. I've gotten better about not worrying about what might happen, but these are all things that can and do happen, and need action to address. I get that parents of very little kids don't see that yet, but it doesn't make these things fictitious.

Look, I have three (9, 7, 5). I remember well how physically demanding they were when they were younger. My youngest was a nightmare to potty train and I still shudder when I think about it. But I do think there's a tendency among some parents to not do things that will make that time easier (e.g., sleep training) and also for some parents to think that whatever time they're currently in is the hardest and dismiss everything else. Also, some parents just find things generally hard and always will, and some parents just go with it, accept the scut work for what it is, and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

You are taking my post way, way too personally. Go back and re-read what you wrote: "the reward comes in 30 years." Your phrasing, not mine. That's a fairly clear statement about how you view things now (hard, also in your words) vs. what you're looking towards. I see the reward as the years I'm living now, not what might happen in the future.

Also, very few parents of 3+ kids prioritize one on one time. Most of us who chose to have that many enjoy at least some aspects of the outnumbered dynamic. If you're always one on one, that's qualitatively different. Not bad, mind you, but different. You might want to think about why you're so defensive on this issue.

This entire thread is about when will it get easier...I'm giving the perspective that a lot of us get through the hard years by looking at the long view. OP is in the thick of it now and wants to know. Glad you think these years are fine, not everyone has that experience. Take your judgement elsewhere if you have nothing constructive to add.

The constructive piece is that living for 30 years in the future doesn’t generally make for sound decision-making, which your disproportionately angry responses demonstrate pretty darn well.

Those of us who are less angry may be so in part because we didn’t deliberately overextend ourselves and were clear about our limits, even if that meant foregoing something we’d long hoped for (e.g., having another child).

DP. You are really ridiculous. Seriously. I mean yes of course no one should have a child that would hurt their marriage or severely overextend their family just to have a 'big' family. But making decisions today that will benefit the you 30 years from now is like...basically how our whole society runs.

Why are you doing algebra at 15? To get into college which will get you a job which will help you be stable etc etc.

Why are you putting money into retirement today? So that old you has some money of course.

Why did you buy a house instead of renting and flitting about the world? So old you has a place to live and stability!

Why don't you eat chocolate cake and french fries all day? So old you will be alive to enjoy all the things you're creating.

Acting like the decisions you make about how to build your family are totally separate from the way you see and desire your future to be is just ignorant of how humans (and like, time) work.

I never said they were totally separate, but when “imagine your life in 30 years” is the driving force behind your decision to *bring another human being into the world* that’s all kinds of effed up. Plenty of people use that line of reasoning. Do you honestly think raising a child is tantamount to putting money in a 401K or deciding what to have for lunch or doing algebra (what?)?

PP said she pitied me because I didn’t imagine a big Thanksgiving dinner decades down the line. First, I certainly hope I have those, but second, and more important, I don’t need pity because I don’t get through the hard days by fantasizing about how this is all going to pay off in 20 years time. That’s just poor coping.

But to get back to the purpose of this thread, if your answer to “when does it start getting easier” is “30 years when we’re all together for the holidays,” you’re probably not someone giving useful advice on the topic.

NP- your literal thinking and willful misinterpretation of her original point makes me think there's something wrong with you.